I just got home from Stockholms Sjukhem which is a hospice in central Stockholm.
E, the husband of a close friend, M, is expected to die during the night from liver failure as a complication of cancer. I can’t sleep.
I have been considering posting about this for several months because of the many cultural clashes and questions and misunderstandings and similarities of how dying and death mix between people from each side of the big pond (aka The Atlantic). I think back to the surreal moment just after M told me that there would be no more chemo treatments for E and I wondered if the carton of milk I was holding in the supermarket would outlast E. Gratefully E outlasted that milk by nearly 3 months.
We already tiptoe around the topic of death. No one truly feels at ease with it when it involves people you know, have eaten dinner with and been a part of your and your family’s life and there’s (thankfully) not many occasions to practice or discuss the shoulds or shouldn’ts of death and dying etiquette for family and friends.
I can even feel the clash through how my husband and I have viewed and view my role in this evolution of events. I want to be omni-present for M. I have brought them food, helped coordinate a fabulous extended network of volunteers to cook food (some of the volunteers don’t know E and M personally) started a Facebook page for friends and family of E and M where support, well wishes and requests for help can and have been posted cared for. My Swedish husband is always concerned that I could get in the way.
It’s understandable that as a non-family member I am probably not the person expected to be at the hospice on a night like tonight, but circumstances are complicated. M isn’t from Sweden and her closest network of relatives are not here. Her mother has arrived, but she is caring for the young children at their home. And so I was there, and yes, probably a bit in the way. Definitely by Swedish norms (and maybe even by N. American norms –but I don’t know, I have never lost anyone close to cancer.) I am comforted that M was grateful I was there. She has gone through most of this on her own with only very little help from her in-laws (which E didn’t think was odd –culture clash classic.)
It seems the N. American view is that friends, neighbors even unknown volunteers, pitch in to give a hand and the Swedish view is to keep a respectful distance –in other words, the polar opposite. I hope E’s Swedish family can accept the oddity of my/our actions and choices which go against what seems to be “right” the same way M is trying to accept that the actions and choices of E’s family which go against what seems to be “right to us Americans and Canadians.
I think the true clashes are yet to come with the planning of the funeral. In Sweden there are no wakes as we know them in the US. I wonder if M decided to organize one how it would be received. I plan to post about it since funerals are very different than what I have experienced in Boston.
NB. Please understand that as this is a very sensitive and personal experience I will simply delete any and all inappropriate or insensitive comments.
Tags: cancer, death, hospice, stockholm, stockholms sjukhem, sweden
As you say, it is a very sensitive & personal experience…especially for your friend’s poor wife. My heart goes out to her…
However….
Please don’t blog any more about this or about the funeral. I think your friend would be mortified. It’s very inappropriate.
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@Julie. Thanks. I asked her first before I blogged about it. She feels the difficulties surrounding experiencing this due to the cultural clashes is important to speak about openly. Funerals are very different here than in N. America (I’ve been to more than my fair share of them) and people who have never been to one have asked about what to expect. That is why I will post about it and I will encourage people to discuss or participate if they so incline.
BB
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Fair enough.
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The problem with us swedes is that I think in general it’s usually just what we think others would think, and it goes both ways.
The griefing: Who can I call to keep me company? I don’t want to be a bother to anyone, but I feel so alone in my sadness.
Friend of the griefing: Should I call my friend who has a dying partner? I don’t want to be a bother.
They may mind, but there’s also a high probability that they won’t, neither of which you’ll know unless you do what you feels good for you. i.e. helping your friend.
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@Mats. I agree that Swedes are very considerate and do not wish to burden or impose on others which leads to the catch-22.
When I first heard of the cancer I had no idea what to do: stay a respectable distance or do whatever I could think up that might help them out. So I consulted a friend in the US who had lost a parent to cancer and a husband to an accident. Her very strong message was to offer and just DO everything and anything like dropping off food for the freezer, offering to take children to play, even just turning up cleaning a toilet or folding clothes and leaving again. I took her advice to heart and I’m glad someone could tell me what to do.
In the 20 months since the diagnosis I have spoken to several people from the UK and N. America about similar experiences involving dying, cancer and loved ones (friends and/or family) and there is always a discussion about the cultural misunderstandings. Anglophones bring food over and that isn’t all that common here (no judgment, just a big difference between the cultures which makes both sides a little uncomfortable not knowing who is doing the “right” thing or not)
We all feel we can ask for cultural coaching when we go to our first Swedish wedding, but it feels so taboo to ask about what to expect when attending a Swedish funeral (or helping out a family suffering from cancer and dying.)
BB
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I am an American that has been permanently in Sweden for about 2yrs now. I have just a couple of shortened experiences/stories while here.
About a year ago while in driving school I had a instructor who was telling a story. His child had died sometime back unexpectedly. He and his wife were extremely distraught, as you can imagine. But he was very bitter about friends and relatives that just avoided them. No words of sympathy or offers of help, nothing. He also noted that he would see them drive by his home, point and drive on, or see them talking amongst themselves. But still he was very bitter.
Just a week ago I was talking to a woman I had just met. She is 42yrs of age. Her husband had died 1yr ago. He was diagnosed with cancer and died within a couple of weeks. She went telling me about the last moments of his death. At the time I thought it odd she was telling me all this since we had just met. But then she mentioned that it was the first she had ever told anyone what she had just told me, not wanting to burden family or friends with it. I was the first she felt like she could ‘release too’. But when she mentioned to friends and family about expanding her social life or dating they bashed her for it.
Just a couple observations/opinions; In Sweden, if you die, your are put in the freezer until it is convenient for everyone to attend the funeral. The funeral had better be on a Friday or Monday so people can get a 3-day weekend from work. And if you die during the summer, you will be in the freezer until autumn, at least.
For the most part I notice that Swedes seem to keep their personality and emotions behind a wall. Once you get through that wall you get to the real person. And in most cases are very nice people. Whereas Americans tend to where their emotions on their sleeve. What you see is what you get and you know what it is almost immediately upon meeting them. But this is another subject in itself.
I’m not suggesting rights or wrongs.
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I think we in the UK come somewhere in between – I would love to have someone like you around if i should find myself in the same position! I do help friends when they are in trouble, I would feel awful if I didn’t. If you aren’t wanted, you will be sked to go away, and that is fair enough, but when I have been in trouble I have been incredibly grateful for any support given to me. When you are grieving it’s very hard to concentrate on things like legal niceties and childcare, bill-paying and the organisation of a funeral, particularly if you have a very small family network.
I wonder if it’s a ‘man’ thing, rather than a cultural thing – many men like to be left alone in their grief, not ‘fussed over’?
However, I am aware that my parents’ generation were almost as reserved as the Swedes are now, where family matters were concerned. So maybe there is just a little bit of catching up to do, as Swedes have been more insular than Brits until relatively recently. Americans at one time were all new together, so had to rely on friends and neighbours rather than family.
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Boston Blatte,
It is not done your way throughout N. America.
In my culture, you would have a “celebration of life” at the funeral service, and perhaps a buffet afterwards — no wake.
And a kind person like you would say “What can I do to help?” or “If you need someone to talk to, call me anytime” — and mean it. This would happen especially in the months, maybe years, after the death. The responses above have been about people not knowing how to help. Well, in my culture, you ask how you can help!
Again — I know you mean well — but I would not like you setting up a Facebook page and the posting about a death in my family. Or using the details of my family member’s funeral to contrast with American funerals. It would feel inappropriate and intrusive to me, like you were trying to make it all about you. And I know your friend said it was OK, but she is in shock right now — not a good time to be giving permissions or making decisions.
Let your friend experience the death of her husband in her way. She may want time for quiet reflection. If she wants you omnipresent, she’ll ask you. And please don’t post about her private grief — would you want details of a private and vulnerable time in your life posted for comments by a close friend?
Would a person who did that to you remain your close friend?
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One possible reason for the different approaches to grieving may be due to the religious background that many North Americans have. In our church, we offer support to our fellow members when they are in distress. We visit our ailing brethren when they are in the hospital, bring meals to the family when someone passes, help with chores, attend the funerals and generally give our love to those who are at a low point.
As a person who has received such support, I can tell you that it is welcome.
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Hi Bobwas
In general I understand what you’re saying and would agree except M is a very unique person and what BB did was perfect for her. A special FB page where one can just rant scream and rail at the world where only the people that can take it are members.
Like BB one is always afraid of stepping over the line and I think for me I would rather step over it and back up a little than never come close due to fear of intruding.
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@Keith. Indirectly, through a friend with a sick child, I have heard of the terrible isolation parents feel either through the suffering of the illness or the more devastating loss. I think that many people do not know how to surmount the discomfort of such a sorrow and feel that giving them space is respectable. I am so glad that so many people in my network and in M’s network kept up the mantra to just keep saying “I’m here” in any way we could.
@Janerowena. Thank you for bringing up something as boring and mundane as bill paying. A very helpful friend, T, who has had first hand experience sat me down with a very long list of very practical ways I and anyone who asked me could help M. She pointed out bill-paying. She also pointed out some cultural “shocks” that non-Swedish survivors find out about (M knew about all of this and had many things covered, but it was very eye-opening for me) for instance, that ashes cannot be kept privately or freely scattered (there are limited places in Sweden where it would be allowed.) Inheritance laws can also be difficult to figure out since they don’t always harmonize with what you may be familiar with coming from another culture.
It’s also an interesting point you bring up about the complication of gender. I only know female survivors. As for if you are ever in this situation, tell people to get in your face. Swedes will do it too if you tell them. They will know how to help. In fact, we all will. People are glad to be given tasks. They feel useful.
@Bobwas. A celebration of life is already the plan. I am pretty certain M has no interest to have a wake. The thought was rhetorical. You’re right that things differ around the US. In the NE we are heavily influenced by Italian/Irish Catholic cultures and other areas of the US have other cultural influences.
Everyone, including me, was constantly offering…(not just asking) “Tell me what to do”. It takes organizational skills and energy to put people to work. So I often fielded offers of food, or kid minding, or even socializing when it was possible. Sometimes those offers were accepted, sometimes politely fielded away or even nixed as if I suggested something crazy…but I just kept putting them out there. Whenever I stopped by I tried to do a little bit of laundry folding (if there was any…M is amazing). E was there for most of it (he only entered the hospice a bit over a week ago.) We’d talk about normal stuff, tell jokes, mock cancer. We’d do a “pop by” to have a pre-party with Champagne with M and E on our way out to another party. They were part of our lives and E was alive even if terminal.
Were it you, your family and friends would know not to make a FB page. We who know M and E know it was right for them. M and E are admins and had full control. M was able to use it as a way to communicate a lot of stuff to all of us. She even wrote up lists of “please help me with”…so many of us jumped on those requests. Requests were even relayed to friends of friends who could pick up and send something from Linköping. Absolutely amazing.
M has been a close friend for many years. This experience has certainly made us closer.
@Swedesmith. I think that community feeling of help extends beyond the church in N. America, but it is a wonderful effort. As Keith suggested, I think Americans wear their emotions out on display.
@Irishb. Thanks.
BB
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Blatte,
You are such a great blogger and I always love to read your stuff!
Of course people dying and funerals can be different in any culture, but it is surely different with Americans and Swedes when it comes to care or concern. Swedes can be very stand offish and almost unconcerned on some things, but then some of the most caring and wanting to know all about you if you are having fika. Then again, us Americans can sometimes never know if we are being too overbearing and in the way. I say, you just keep doing what your doing and help them as much as possible. It never hurts to show this side of “Americanism”(I know not so much a word, but for sure a feeling) to the Swedes.
God Bless you Blatte!!
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@ Jeff. Thanks you. I find more and more when tested that Swedes care a whole lot more than we perceive. But since the cultural values dictate that a higher priority of politeness is to NOT intrude they wait until asked for help to not offend.
Since it is in me to want to help and at the very least offer help, whether I am being intrusive or not I have to do it. I know that it is a forgiveable offence since the intentions are kind and it is chalked up to cultural differences.
BB
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Offering the perspective of a Swede who has spent several years in North America. The oppressive social milieu, the generally submissive attitude towards authority, the high tolerance of incompetence (sometimes bordering on criminal) and the expectation, born of years of welfare politics and state-individualism, that everything is always up to somebody else, have all contributed to the problems we face in Sweden. Make no mistake about it, this is an extremely individualistic society. It´s like: “what are you bothering me with that for, isn´t there some government agency that deals with this kind of stuff?”
More to the point, I am personally aware of close personal relationships that have disintegrated as a direct result of the inability to relate to each other. And that is not idiosyncratic, but systemic. Sad, but true.Don´t forget that there is a strong class component here as well. The general Social Democratic ethos was for a long time centered on material improvement. They then used the legitimacy derived from the successful completion of that project to execute all manner of social engineering projects, one of the consequences of which is what we are discussing here. Namely, the destruction of non-state based societies.
Some general advice, Swedes are no different than anybody else, in the sense, that they will appreciate (although maybe they won´t say so), any help you offer when they are in trouble. Everybody I have talked to who have been through something awful, always come away with same perception; it really sucks to need help in Sweden. So if help is offered it is gladly accepted. And fondly remembered.
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@Ola. I think you are right and a very good point. Help is always gladly accepted. I have never had anyone in Sweden be resentful of having received help.
BB
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The fact that the both the grieving individual and the sympathetic supporters are nervous about how to relate to each other in a difficult time should not prevent personal contact or at least a handwritten note from the other fringe relatives, friends and neighbors. Who really knows, what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ ?
I myself, if grieving, would very much appreciate further followups, say, at a week or month after the death of a loved one. Such contacts would not be ‘intrusive’; quite the contrary, I would regard them as a loving gesture. And what else distinguishes us humans except the capacity to love, or at least try to love. The ATTEMPT to console is what is really important.
As the child of a Swedish decendant father, I could see his great reluctance to show emotion. Perhaps he thought it showed vulnerability or weakness. My Irish decendant mother, still alive at 91, has no such qualms, and has been the better because of her capacity to show love unconditionally.
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Boston Blatte: You are absolutely doing the right thing. Especially with the food. Those suffering the most are unable to cope with the mundane activities. I lost my sister recently, and everyone was so kind. Even people I don’t know particularly well offered help, and meant it. Those I did know well couldn’t have been kinder.
Funerals and grieving, especially after burial, are for the living more than the dead. The thing that was most impressed upon me was how many people I had let drift away from me, and my detemrination not to let that happen again. Perhaps, the living in Sweden are getting the funerals and mourning they want.
I can’t deny that to me the Swedish way of death sounds very odd, which is the best euphimistic spin I can put on the matter. The most horrible must be the isolation from others, especially in the first few awful days, Re you background, I’m a Jew whose family is from the midwest, and those who who expressed kindness were of various regional, religious, ethnic, racial whaterver.
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As an American who has regretfully spent more than half of her life in the coldness of German society. I and my relative (also a woman) have experienced long years of unemployment and social isolation. I am writing a book on social exclusion. And I am an atheistic Buddhist and an adherent of the Fourth Socialist International. Therefore, I do not conform to the majority’s ideology, which is another reason for not being mindlessly integrated into the coldness of German society. Not being able to tolerate the Christianity superficially lived in the churches of both major denominations heightens the total lack of social support. Nonetheless, we have helped many others over long periods of time. I can write Finnish and our most affectionate and intense friendship is with a young gay friend who lives in Helsinki. I am also learning Swedish. We hope to end our lives in Scandinavia. At the University of Duesseldorf we have wonderful acquaintances– just acquaintances–, mostly Muslims. Social engineering has been unsuccessfully used in failed attempts to integrate the foreign underclass in Germany.
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If true and widespread, what an odd thing about the ‘Friday/Monday’ funeral for a long weekend. I think I have preferred, if that is the correct term, the midweek events: you are taking a single day from the normal stream of events, and devoting it to the memory of your friend or relative. And then the next day you are symbolically continuing with your own life as you must.
And the working week has been made into two shorter halves – the Before, with the trepidation and regret, and the After, with the sorrow but love of friends.
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@mikewhite. I don’t know if Mon/Fri funerals are the norm or the most desirable dates. I literally can’t remember which days of the week the 6 funerals in Sweden fell on I’ve attended. I had to travel for 3 of them, so I am sure a weekend was included in those. Perhaps Mon/Fri are desirable because of travel needs for extended family? Just speculating.
BB
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Thanks for the thoughtful conversation here.
You or others may want to check out http://www.caringbridge.org/media as a way to create an easily accessible site where friends and family can provide information updates and messages of support to those facing difficult health challenges. It’s free, extremely well designed for precisely these kinds of circumstances, and facilitates an extraordinary dimension of connection.
Best to you and your friends during this difficult time.
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I am of Noweigian and Danish decent. My mom lives in Sweden and I live in the USA. We have traveled quite a bit back and fourth. There are some cultural differences between the USA and Scandinavia. Swedes are a very quiet and conservative people. Norweigians are a little bit noiser. Americans take the cake of the noise factor. When my grandmother died in Norway, it was during winter time. They were not able to bury her because the ground was frozen. At the time of her death, not one person from my mom’s family showed up. Unfortunately, I was pregnant at the time, 40 years old, high risk pregnancy. The only time my family shows up if there’s money involved. Anyway, Swede’s are in my opinion are just very polite, quiet and kind. They sincerely, do not want to affend anyone. I admire them very much.
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I thank you for writing about this painful topic. I am an American married to a Swede. I fear what would happen to me if something happened to my husband. I would have no idea where to begin. He was sick my first Christmas here and I felt I had no one to call on. What Swedes call ‘respectful distance’, I find very cold. I pray that if something were to happen to my husband that someone as kind as you would come in and help me take care of business and get on with life. Swedish funeral practices just baffle me beyond measure. I find I get on with immigrants in general much better than native Swedes.
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I just want to highlight that current attitudes and routines around death and funeral are not any old, deep-seated traditions. It is a result of the urbanization and individualization of our society over the last century. Back in the old, rural Sweden death and funeral concerned almost everyone in the parish. Partially because almost everyone were extended family, but also because everyone really knew everyone. There were no undertakers, the corpse was taken care of by the immediate family (most often three generations) and the local clergyman (who always lived in the parish and often made a living just like the other farmers, although with education and a certain social status, of course). The corpse was kept in a cool place like the earth cellar or woodshed. Also children had to go see their dead grandmother etc before the (homemade) coffin was closed. (There has never been a tradition of open coffin at the funeral service.) The funeral service took place as soon as a grave was digged. The service was always held outside, at the grave. (Funeral services inside the church began in the 1910’s – 1920’s.)
Nowadays all this is gone also in rural areas, but there is still a tradition that most people who has had any relation to the deceased attend the funeral, not just close relatives.
I think the main reason for the long time between death and funeral nowadays is that the clergymen and -women are on a 40 hour workweek and not on duty at all times like in the old days.
Anyway, here’s some facts:
http://www.svenskakyrkan.se/default.aspx?id=657773
There’s a paragraph “Funeral”
Och för er som kan läsa svenska:
http://www.svenskakyrkan.se/default.aspx?id=660039
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When the brother of my son’s teammate died, I rushed over with a basket of food. I was greated with open arms. The apartment was filled with people (at least 4-5 team members). The grandparents told me how wonderful it was that I came over and how horribly lonely it would be for the family if they had to sit there all alone. The mother took me to the room to explain how the accident happened and how her son’s teammates acompanied her son to the hospital and waited for him while said his farewells to his brother. She said that the teammates never left her son’s side after he received the news.
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Pls continue this blog. The reason I stumbled on this was I just received a SMS from Sweden that a very good friend has passed away. It was a great shock as the last news I had was that the cancer had gone into remission. I was deeply saddened and unsure how to respond. And also wondered why I was not informed sooner. This blog site had helped answer many questions. I have many Swedish friends, and our friendships have lasted many decades but the subject of death never came up. So this was a part of the Swedish culture that I knew nothing about. Mats comments are probably the most accurate reasons for the silence & distance. The swedes have always been the most stociand fiercely independent people I know. I will now SMS a friend to lay a flower on his coffin for me. Being so far away in Asia, I can only grief though I know my late friend would rather I laugh as I reminiscenced the trek we took together in the Artic Circle.
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Thank you for responding and adding your personal experience. Death is funny since it is so culturally affected. I recently learned of a friend’s husband’s cancer. Part of the shock has been that this is the first I am hearing of it despite the amount of time that it has been affecting them. And while we rarely see each other divided by the city limits of Stockholm and other obligations, we are pretty good friends. I think it comes down to the fact that no one really knows “the rules” and we make them up as we go along.
I think your idea to lay a flower via a friend will be well received by his family and friends. Sometimes children attach a little “note” they have written/drawn. The personal touches are always appreciated and moving. My father-in-law’s card-playing club included an ace in their flowers. It made my mother-in-law smile. And what a lovely memory you share with a trek to the Arctic Circle!
BB
I went to a funeral yesterday and have been reflecting on it for a while now. Despite having other work to complete (have a few deadlines looming) your post has inspired me to write about it today. Thanks.
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