I think I get Swedes. Sort of. Kind of. Still working on it, really.
I’ve been at it for nearly 2 decades and the learning curve has been tumultuous, but any good ride has its ups and down. However, it can be a hit or miss for most “newbies” to Sweden. And if you read the pages of The Local, you’ll find there is often “someone” with their knickers in a twist about Swedes. This popular article on TL comes first to mind.
Now it’s quite true that striking up conversation with the random Swede on the street is not always forthcoming. Swedes are a little skittish and they (particularly 08ers aka Stockholmers) are molded from that normal “big city aloofness” you find in any big city which does make them hard to reach. But reachable they are. Warm and loving too. But yes, also, terse, stoic and reserved.
I’m gregarious. I talk up everyone and anyone and it took me a long while to realize that I’m pretty odd in Boston too. New Yorkers and other Americans regularly complain about us Bostonians being uptight and unapproachable. When I first heard it, I was shocked. Taking a look at it with open eyes I realized that there’s truth to it. Your average Bostonian won’t strike up random conversation, not the kind of polite conversation the people in the article are talking about. BUT, if YOU strike up conversation with a Bostonian and work at it by all the unwritten social/cultural rules of Bostonianism, you can be chatting away for hours.
Stockholmers are like Bostonians: tough nuts to crack (and Swedes have slightly tougher outer shells.) But inside that outer crust it’s all warm and gooey.
I feel sorry for the couple in the above article. They think that because they were brown Swedes didn’t want to interact with them. I’m brown (more so now after a sunny summer) but I chat up Swedes regularly with the fitting success one can ascribe to chatting to Stockholmers.
But maybe I “hear” Swedes better. So much communication among Swedes is non-verbal: a nod of the head, a crook in their smile, a twinkle in their eye.
As for the staring, I have heard people complain of this, but in all honesty I’ve never felt it myself (do Bostonians stare a lot?).
So take heart. If you want to speak to Swedes. Make the first, gentle move. Wait. And then listen…they’re talking to you.
Tags: non-verbal communication., Swedish culture, talking to swedes
It sounds to me like you DO get us
I’m glad you’ve figured out how we work.
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I’m fairly certain that the people in that article got stared at because of the behavior described in the article. They broke a fair amount of social customs.
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@jemjom. Thank you. I do think I’ve cracked the code, but there are still many nuances and reasons why Swedes do things (or don’t do things) that I am continuously discovering. And many of the things that I understand I still don’t “get”. The reason is logically explainable, but the logic is unattainable (well, for me at least) and so I accept that it’s beyond what I can control.
@Don_right. I have to wonder if they were truly “stared at” more than anyone else.I have heard many people complain of the “staring” but in all honesty, I can’t say I have ever been stared at. Am I too insensitive or are people (the British in particular) too sensitive?
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Yes, it’s not like we have a lack of “brown” people. That’s just ridiculous. It was their own thoughts, which they came up with while feeling not wanted.
Swedes do not strike up a conversation with a stranger. It’s just not done. Sure, there are exceptions, but they’re just that, exceptions.
If a stranger starts talking with me, my analytical sense goes into overdrive. “What kind of person is this?” And I don’t want to sit and spend time talking about things like the weather or something similar meaningless. I can appreciate when someone makes contact with me, as I don’t find it easy to make contact with others. But then it’s usually in other venues, not at a restaurant when I’m eating, or on the bus for that matter. And that could also be a reason, that those people simply felt disturbed.
There was nothing in that article that I wouldn’t attribute to cultures clashing. I didn’t see anything wrong being done by the swedes they wrote about, only their own thoughts and how they thought the swedes were like. it’s nothing new. I’ve heard it from several different nationalities: Swedes are cold. Which as you know is simply not true. We just have higher and tougher walls you may need to break through.
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I can certainly attest to the fact that Swedes do not like impromptu conversation with strangers, including with fellow Swedes. Born and raised in Sweden but living in the US for many years, I’ve become more outgoing and American like. On my last visit to Sweden, my attempt to strike up a conversation with another Swede at the airport in Paris was met with a very curt reply indicating no desire whatsoever for a conversation. However, I’m not sure when in the Swede’s life this “coldness” creeps in as my children had absolutely not trouble at all making friends with Swedish children during our visit even though they speak no Swedish.
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@Björn. Many Swedes don’t mind it if it is in the right context and it’s done with the right “dance”. I have heard from a lot of native Swedes who have been out of Sweden for a long time that they have a hard time reconnecting with “the locals”. I’d guess it’s because we adopt the social norms of the culture and society we live in and it takes time to relearn local rules.
You’re right that children always manage to figure each other out. Perhaps we need to learn (or relearn) something from them.
BB
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Wrap it how you like. Make up all the caveats of misunderstanding.
The bottom line is that Swedes are cold. End of
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Swedes don’t suffer fools. Might explain it.
BB
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@Washington Reed:
Then I’d like to hear your definition of cold.
Most non-Swedes I’ve talked to have said that Swedes tend to be terse and stoic at first, as put in this post, but that once they start feeling comfortable with you, that completely turns. They’ve then all agreed that Swedish people are very open, fun, kind and far from cold. I believe, like many others in this thread, that Swedes are simply much more reserved compared to for example Americans, but once they open up, you can be sure it’s genuine, and not just a facade to make people think you’re nice and open.
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As I said, wrap it up all you want, but the bottom line is they are cold.
Taking criticism is also an achilles heel for them.
It doesn’t mean they are not decent though.
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BB, you are keen to tell us what you are with self regarding monotony.
reality though shows you to be nothing more than a gobby woman. This doesnt make you stand out from the crowd, just join a long list of average annoying people.
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From the handful of Swedes that I have had the opportunity to meet I have found that they are just very reserved people. It just takes more time for them to get to know and trust you. After that then it is amazing how wonderful and genuine they are as friends.
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Swedes are emotionally disturbed. The closer you get to them (relationships, friendship) the more emotionally abusive they get. I sense it has to do with that they are afraid of being abandoned in a complex world. Swedes live like semi-gods and lack common sense, respect for others plus intellectual skills.
If you abandon them after they have treated you bad you will be treated like “scum of the earth”. You have no right to protect yourself against swedes emotional abuse.
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Monica :0)
From the handful of Swedes that I have had the opportunity to meet I have found that they are just very reserved people. It just takes more time for them to get to know and trust you.
Exactly. It’s called being cold.
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I find it interesting of what other people think of us swedes. I’ve lived in America for some time and made some American friends. I do find that it is somewhat difficult to talk to random strangers and such but I think it is a cultural difference. Plus, I believe that if you went to a different country with a total different culture you would have some social differences too. For example I didn’t know there was a very short time limit while shaking hands when you greet someone in the U.S.A. It takes like three seconds. In sweden it can go on forever on ends. It is nice. I see it as that person is saying “hey I care about what you are saying and you seem like an interesting person.” When I kept on getting those three seconds of handshaking It was like they wanted to me to be done with. I was a waste of time. I’m sure that that wasn’t the case. People here seem sometimes happy and cheery. But then people here were getting very confused and slightly uncomfortable when I did my long swedish “Hey, you seem like an interesting person” handshake.
It is not just swedes or Bostanians tht is hard to understand. It’s the whole world.
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