This story begins with a Swedish man. This story also begins with an American woman. This story, my story, begins with my parents. My father was born and raised in Sweden, and moved to the United States during the 1970’s to seek his fame and fortune in the land of opportunity. My mother was born in Chicago, Illinois. The two met in a small, summer resort town in southeast Wisconsin, in the late 1980’s. They moved back to Sweden, where they were married, and soon settled to raise a family.
I was born in Stockholm, as was my younger sister, and we lived there with our family until I was two years old. We packed up & moved to the United States, and from there on out, I was raised as an American child. In the following sixteen years, I moved around quite a bit. My parents divorced when I was six, and at the time we had been living in Wisconsin, near my mother’s family. I moved to California, with my mother & sister, and lived there until I was fifteen. I left California for Michigan, to live with my father and stepmom, just before I turned sixteen, and lived there until June of this year.
I’d just graduated high school. My older brother, who had remained in Sweden (and was now married, with four children), was strongly encouraging me to come and visit him, if not just to see him & our family, but also to get in touch with my roots. The plan was simple: I was to live with them for six months, take a few classes in Swedish, and just get a feel for what day to day Swedish life was like. But as the months have passed, the plan has evolved and changed a great deal. Seems I’m going to be here longer than I thought. Whether or not it is for the better has yet to reveal itself, but as I am an optimist by nature, I can only hope that I am doing the right thing by staying here… over four thousand miles away from the people I love, and the only life I’ve ever really known.
And so, here I am. What am I doing here? Well, that’s a question I’m still asking myself, but for the time being, I am just rolling with the punches. I’m enrolled in SFI (Swedish For Immigrants) at a Gymnasiet in a neighboring community, and I’m going to school five days a week, trying to learn Swedish. What comes next? I honestly have no idea. I’d love to get a job somewhere, but it’s slim pickings for someone who only speaks English. ((Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated!))
I’m really starting to grasp a sense of irony from the situation I’ve found myself in. Growing up, I was extremely proud of being Swedish. Any time a teacher, school counselor, potential employer, pageant judge, or DMV clerk would notice on a piece of paperwork that I was born in Stockholm, I would glow, and happily answer any questions they had. And they always had questions. “What was it like, there? Do you remember it at all? Do you ever go back to visit? Why did you move to America?” I revelled in the fact that I had dual citizenship, and as a child used to brag about it to my friends. Hey, cut me some slack! Whenever anyone found out I was from Sweden, they were immediately interested in whatever I had to say, as if my birth place somehow affected my IQ and gave me an award-winning personality. It’s pretty hard to not abuse that kind of power when you’re that young.
So where is the irony? Well, I am starting to realize how (I don’t know any other way to put it) not-Swedish I am. That’s not to say I am now identifying myself as an American. To be honest, I have no idea who, or what, I am. All I know is that I have been thrown into an environment where my world has been turned completely upside down, and it’s as if I am having to learn to walk & talk all over again.
I am having a lot of difficulty relating to Swedish kids my age, particularly the ones I’m now going to Gymnasiet with. Part of that could have something to do with my maturity level: I always hung out with the older kids in high school, and never could quite get along with the students in my grade. But the culture clash is also starting to wear on me, and making it clear to me just how different I am. For example, from what I have observed thus far -
Swedes hate eye contact, and are very reserved around strangers. I, on the other hand, am bright eyed, eager, and smiling at people on the bus.
Swedes are quick to think you have some sort of hidden intention if you try to brush up a conversation with them. Then there’s me, where I feel no embarassment whatsoever about approaching someone at school and remarking about the shoes they are wearing, the book they’re reading, or asking them if they can recommend anything fun to do in town.
I’m not doing these things to be a creep, or drive people away from me. This is the way I’ve interacted with people for the last eighteen years. I’ve never known any other way. Is my behavior considered American? Not necessarily. I’ve met many Americans who are just as reserved around strangers, and wouldn’t think twice about saying “F*** off” to someone who randomly approached them on the street. It could all be a matter of personality, and a person’s comfort zone.
Regardless, I’m having a hard time making friends since I’ve moved to Sweden. Part of it could be my behavior, part of it could be the way I dress (though I will touch up on the subject of my fashion vs. Swedish fashion on another day), but I think the main reason is because I don’t speak Swedish. It immediately throws up red flags to anyone I meet, and stamps a big, red label on my forehead: “Immigrant”. No one has ever once taken the time to ask me where I came from, so I’ve never been given the opportunity to explain the situation: that I am indeed Swedish, and merely trying to catch up! I’m sure it probably doesn’t help my situation that the only kids I really socialize with at school come from the Middle East and Africa, all of whom look the part of an immigrant moreso than I do. I’m not the only one who is being ignored. Several of the kids in my class speak nearly fluent Swedish, and have tried breaking out of their shells to socialize more with the Swedish kids at our school, but no one will even give them the time of day. There are the rare few, who are former SFI students, who talk to us, and a couple of kids who approach us to ask how to say something in English, so they won’t look stupid when they go to class in an hour without having studied the night before. But other than that? Nobody. And it’s truly heartbreaking, because the kids in my class are good-hearted, wonderful people. I turned eighteen on my third day in class, and was horribly depressed because I was so far away from home. You know what they did for me? They threw me a birthday party during class! Cakes, cupcakes, delicious orange flavored saft, birthday candles, the works. Do these Swedish kids realize what kind of friends they are missing out on?
I know that not all Swedes are biased against immigrants. To assume so would be asinine. I do believe that the general Swedish public is full of intriguing, open minded people, many of whom would like a chance to get to know me, or any other person with a story to tell. But the fact of the matter is, I am currently meeting a lot of hostility & resentment because I am not a native Swedish speaker, and no one is really giving me a chance. That is a hard mountain to climb.
As I’m sure you’ve read the title to this blog post, I’m sure you’re wondering what it means/what it has to do with me. Well, it’s a bit of a spin on an old proverb: “Beware the wolf in sheep’s clothing.” I’ve had this analogy in my head for quite some time. You see, I’ve been trying to explain to my friends back home why I am having such difficulty adjusting to life in Sweden, and after trying in vain to make them understand why people immediately dislike me, I figured out the perfect way to word it: Sweden, and it’s people, are a flock of sheep. Some Swedes view immigrants as potential threats, or simply dislike them/feel uncomfortable around them because they are different. The immigrants are seen as wolves, and though they may be harmless, the sheep aren’t taking any chances. And that’s where I come in. I’m the sheep in wolf’s clothing.
And so, now that I have gone & thrown myself a pity party, allow me to introduce myself: My name is Cortney. I’m eighteen years old, and I am a citizen of both America and Sweden. I’ve started this blog because I want to chronicle my experiences of re-discovering my roots (and maybe even re-discovering myself), & share them with others in the hopes that I can reach out to people in similar positions, or maybe even help someone who finds themself as lonely as I’ve been feeling these last months.
I believe I will make friends here, I don’t think this rut will last forever. I believe I’m going to find happiness in Sweden. I just have to work hard enough to find it. I’ve yet to meet a challenge that I couldn’t overcome.
Hej!
My bf is swedish and i was there for 3weeks last summer and i LOVED it
i want to move for good and what you Said frightens me…maybe if i am there NeXT june as i plan to be we can learn swedish together! Haha
i guess it helps when you know ppl there (in my case bf friends)
i can totally identify w not knowing WHO i am having been boen in russia and moving to Sydney when i was 8…
Good luck w it all i too moved loads as à kid and its tough!!
Report abuse »
I know the feeling! Making the permanent move to Stockholm in 2 weeks!
Report abuse »
Interesting post, some suprising parts, some not… Just wanna throw in a few tips.
Maybe you’ve heard about it or maybe it’s not really what you’re looking for, but there is a social netowork called CouchSurfing, where you can meet people when travelling or living somewhere new. The community in Stockholm is pretty active and there are lot’s of events arranged. People there are probably more open and into meeting new people, than the general Swede is!
http://www.couchsurfing.com
http://www.couchsurfing.com/meetings.html
Another thing is to start some kind of activity. I dance lindy hop, and dancing is something really international, so if you’re interested I’d suggest to try that. Just north of Stockholm is also the world’s biggest swing dance camp every summer!
http://www.chicago75.se
http://www.herrang.com
Hope things get going for you!
Report abuse »
I wish you luck making friends with the Swedes. I spent over 6 months living there last year and had a hell of a time getting their attention. When you do make friends with one you really have someone you can depend on. Try the night life, they really break out of their shells after a few drinks..I promise you this!
Report abuse »
Best of luck, don’t get discouraged!
Report abuse »
It’s not that most Swedes are against immigrants, I promise. The problem with Swedes is that many have a very low confidence. They are scared to talk to strangers because they are scared to come across as stupid. And they are scared to speak English to you because they are scared their English isn’t good enough. There is something about growing up in Sweden that makes you feel pretty insecure. And if you are, it is a whole lot easier to just stick to what you know, avoiding situations that you feel are out of your comfort zone.
Look for people who have travelled, they will be more open-minded and easier to become friends with. The Couch surfing community is a great advice. xx
Report abuse »
@ ligonbernie
Why is it that people take offense with some facts. Obviously its not generalizing, but you have got to admit that what Courtney wrote is all true! Its all constructive criticism
Also, stick to the topic instead of bashing my opinions, I respect yours. Also if my comments are detrimental, then you need to respond to all the other constructive criticisms that you will find all over the internet!
It is what it is!
Report abuse »
Hi Cortney,
I totally understand your feeling. Why not think like this: Swedish culture is a chain of puzzles for you to find each and every answers step by step. It will take time for you to find those answers so patience is the key.
I grew up with dual cultures: Vietnamese and American. The American one is mainly a distant culture (due to the fact that I grew up in Vietnam and only lived in the States for less than a year) attached by the relationship betwen my American Godfather and I (we keep contact via email and skype chat). When I first got exposed to American culture, I was in almost the same situation like you but after 8 years of being distantly adopted and as a Godson of an American, now I can say that I partly identify myself as American as well. Ffrom the point that I had no idea about the culture till the point that I feel I am so much attached to the culture, it takes me eight years. I often tell my friends that I am Vietnamese with a bit of American background. After eight years, I still have so many unanswered pieces of the American culture chains waiting to be solved.
The bottom line is to be patient and keep on exploring and discovering the Swedish culture.The culture norms and behaviors are coded and your work is all about uncoding the Swedish culture.
One day, I realized that I became so Swedish when I was waiting in a bus station in Milwaukee-Winsconsin or somewhere downtown LA without talking to anyone…
My Godfather even said like this” David has become so much Swedish now, he doesn’t say anything when driving with me in the car. My Godson has become less American!”
Report abuse »
Welcome to Sweden.
Report abuse »
I’m also an amerikan living in Sweden, legally now for over 2 years full time. I’ve never had a problem making friends and while I do know a lot of people in Sweden, mostly in Stockholm and Malmö, where I actually live is far less progressive…Örebro. I’ve kept up contact with a few people from SFI and think you are right to notice how much native born Swedes are missing out with their stand offish attitudes towards all strangers. I had to laugh when you said they were sheep because to me that means that they are much better at following than leading, they are less politically active in general (maybe because they don’t have much to fight for here?) and yet extremely self satisfied. Good luck. I suspect that i you have the chance you will go back to the States soon!
Report abuse »
I’m swedish and I understand what you mean but I also understand the swedes you have met so far.
Asking you about your past or where you come from is something many swedes would think of as very rude, if you want to tell someone that’s fine but to ask you about it would just not be polite if the one asking you is not a close friend. Asking you would be “forcing” you to talk about something you may not want to even think about.
If someone came up to me and started talking to me out of the blue I would be very suspicious, my brain would be screaming “WHY THE H¤LL ARE YOU TALKING TO ME YOU CRAZY PERSON!?!?!?!?” at the same time as I tried to be as nice a possible while trying to get away from you as fast as I could.
Most of my friends I know because we were placed in the same group for some reason or other (class, dog training and stuff) so I think doris gave some very good advice, People will be more open to talk to you if you share an interest and you will have a safe topic to talk to them about at your first meeting which will make you a lot less suspicious to people.
Report abuse »
As a Swede living in Los Angeles this Autumn, I’ve read your blog input with some interest. I’ve made more friends here in California than I did the past five years in Sweden, and I generally dislike Swedes for being withdrawn and rude and unable to be generally cheerful and friendly (compassionate and giving is far too much to ask!). The funny thing is, before I travelled abroad (at 18, like you), I never gave a thought to people’s unwillingness to make new friends, I just stayed with my group of friends I had through school and various hobby activities and looked suspiciously at strangers.
Now, back, wiser, and studying full time, I’m constantly annoyed at these people that simply cannot be bothered to get to know new friends. It’s like they think: I have five friends, it’s troublesome since I have to meet all of them all the time and adding another would just swamp my filofax, so thank you, but no. I’ll talk to you politely if we’re involved in the same activity, but I might not say hello to you tomorrow.
What to talk about? The weather, the endless rain, does spring always come in May, do you think we’ll see sunshine before Christmas, what’s this Lucia thing in December.
Swedes are not engaged politically because the state is so all-powerful there is not point engaging yourself in anything. Even companies can charge you money for bills you never received and not stand accountable in anyway. Damages paid out for sexual abuse of a minor is usually pittens, and there are insane people walking the streets because some polititians decided to close the mental institutions without a contingency plan. Swedes have the highest suicide rate in the world and do not employ people who do not speak Swedish perfectly, because they think they are morons. Swedes are comfortable because the government pays for everything and gives years of parental leave to parents, buses arrive on time, and housing is incredibly comfortable and warm, despite the weather. All these good aspects means Swedes rarely have to leave their dwellings in the winter except for work, which is ideal to people who prefer their televisions to new company.
So there you go. The sad truth. Find a hobby at Folkuniversitetet, like French, German, Cooking or Choir singing (very popular among Swedes, you might even find a free choir somewhere else), and you will find people to talk to, who, like yourself, are looking for new friends.
Sorry for my long rant. I will probably leave Sweden when I can, if the free schools and healthcare have not trapped me there forever.
Best of luck to you, you have my greatest sympathies.
Report abuse »
Immigrants are always very quick to judge Swedes as hostile because they can’t make friends with them. Believe me, as an imminent you really are at no disadvantage, especially if you are not an obviously immigrant man trying to approach a woman. All Swedes have difficulty finding new friends, that’s the way things work. You really have to find places where you have something in common with people. I have been living in Norway for two years (I am Swedish) and I have no friends here, except for a Russian girl I met recently in connection with my Russian studies. That’s just Scandinavia for you.
If someone started speaking to me on the bus or something like that, I would most likely just be afraid. Sorry, but that’s our culture. On the other hand, shallow friends are not something we really indulge in either. If you are friends, you are friends.
Report abuse »
Sorry, “as an immigrant”.
Report abuse »
I’m American with Swedish friends and visit Sweden frequently, though the longest time I’ve been there in one stretch was 3 weeks, so I can’t say what it would be like to live there. However, I can tell you that trying to learn Swedish to honor my friends and to be able to speak to their children has been very discouraging. Instead of being encouraging and supportive, they make fun of my mistakes. Something I would NEVER do to them (and trust me, Swedes have a good command of the English language, but they are far from perfect – lots of misspelling, poor grammar and mispronunciation). So I can imagine how impossible it would be to try to live there as an immigrant AND a teenager!
Report abuse »
Cortney,
I can’t belive that you are only 18! I am so impressed with your blog entries. Your intelligence. Your wit. Your openness. And it is so much better written then most other of the material (incl editorial) here on The Local. You and “Snuggling With the Enemy” are truly offering something positive, constructive and valuable with your blogs for Swedes and non-Swedes alike.
As someone earlier here said, decoding a culture is a slow iterative process. Keep your positive and openminded attituded intact and don’t let the downers get you and you will soon get the picture and understand better some of Swedish idiosyncrasies and start to appreciate them for what they are. With that I don’t suggest that you have to, or will, neccesarily like them, but possibly you will, but at least understanding that if people don’t approach you it is out of genuine respect for your privacy/persona and not becasue anyone is “cold”, “reserved” or “socially handicapped”. And this realisation will help you see many/all things in a new light.
I’m currently reading a book, that I got to my American partner, which I think is by far the best I’ve read on this topic: Modern Day Vikings – A practical guide to interacting with the Swedes.
I got it at Amazon and I highly reccomend it to anyone who as a genuine interest in getting behind the sterotypes and challenging the ignorance fueled comments that so many bloggers and diuscussion posters (and editorial staff) on The Local are so keen to share.
I’m based in London (originally from Stockholm) but have lived in another 5-6 countries on three continents so I can truly relate to your challenges in decoding and appreciating a new culture. With your intelligence, curiosity and openness you will have no problem to integrate as much as you would like. But you need to give it time. And be yourself. Don’t try to become a “local”. That is the biggest mistake many expacts make. Be yourself and explore.
I hope you will learn to enjoy your new/temporary hometurf, if not for anyother reason it will have enriched you to widen your horizon.
I’m based in London for now and an old fart (40) so in the name of decency and practiciality I will not invite you out for a fika/drink/dinner. But you sure sounds like a real sweethart with both big heart and a well-wired brain!
Good luck with your blog and I hope you meet some nice genuine Swedes that you could build solid friendships/relationships with.
Report abuse »
Definitely agree with what you stated. Your explanation was certainly the easiest to understand. I tell you, I usually get irked when folks discuss issues that they plainly do not know about. You managed to hit the nail right on the head and explained out everything without complication. Maybe, people can take a signal. Will likely be back to get more. Thanks.
Report abuse »
Nice Blog and Nice posts. You have put some nice points but I beg to differ about your pint of views being totally relevant and them being automated.
Report abuse »
Great article and post, we will submit your article to our social network and our twitter, thanks and please post our comment, as we will put a link as well on our blog to your article. Thanks!
Report abuse »
According to my investigation, thousands of people in the world receive the loans from different banks. So, there is good chances to find a financial loan in every country.
Report abuse »
Pretty cool blog you’ve got here. Thanks for it. I like such topics and anything connected to this matter. I definitely want to read a bit more soon.
Hilary Smith
escort ny
Report abuse »
The mortgage loans suppose to be useful for guys, which want to start their business. As a fact, that’s easy to receive a secured loan.
Report abuse »
your post content was very insightful I will definately be coming back
Report abuse »
This is an awesome article. You love a dress that you already own? You can still wear it whether its winter, spring or summer and we will show you how! Thin women, hearten up, you’ll crop up pleasing in any tinge ranges. All colors as good as shades are starting to be run over you. You might additionally try over the sleeves, low cuts, as well as blouses attached. Thanks for the thorough explanation how to keep my old stuff looking new. Thanks for joining.
Report abuse »
Now you’ve got your new website online and also you’re keen to start making
some sales! However, how will you make gross sales for those who should not
have high volumes of holiday makers to your website?
Report abuse »
Your blog is more like of your life’s story. but i must say your story is so interesting we’ll promise to be coming back for more.
Report abuse »
You certainly have some agreeable opinions and views. Your blog provides a fresh look at the subject.
Report abuse »
Thanks For This Blog, was added to my bookmarks.
Report abuse »
I find myself coming to your blog more and more often to the point where my visits are almost daily now!
Report abuse »
Whats up,I’m thankful Deb iscovered th is post,A totally free book mark that,Fantastic website online,Great files.
Report abuse »
Wow det var ovanligt. Jag skrev bara en extremt lång kommentar , men när jag klickade in min kommentar inte dyker upp. Grrrr … väl jag inte skriva allt igen. Hur som helst, ville bara säga superb blogg!
Report abuse »
I’m a long time watcher and I just believed I’d drop by and say hello there for your very first time.
Report abuse »
I seriously enjoy your posts. Thanks
Report abuse »
I can not figure out how do I subscribe to your blog
Report abuse »
Reading this article – the gift of your time
Report abuse »
Hey I think your post is good. i found it on Google and I think I will come back one day.
Report abuse »
I’d perpetually want to be update on new posts on this site, saved to my bookmarks!
Report abuse »
I am impressed by the quality of information on this website. There are a lot of good resources here. I am sure I will visit this place again soon.
Report abuse »
I think so. I think your article will give those people a good reminding. And they will express thanks to you later.
Report abuse »
I think so. I think your article will give those people a good reminding. And they will express thanks to you later.
Report abuse »
Unquestionably consider that that you stated. Your favorite justification appeared to be at the web the
easiest factor to consider of. I say to you, I definitely get irked at the
same time as other folks consider concerns that they plainly do not realize about.
You controlled to hit the nail upon the top and defined out the whole
thing without having side effect , folks could take a signal.
Will probably be back to get more. Thanks
Report abuse »
Impotent guys by no means had it so superior. Viagra pioneered the oral procedure for Male Impotence. Along with the baton, it appears, has long been transferred to Cialis. Between, Levitra also designed its existence felt. But Cialis could be the potential drug which includes the earth on its toes.
Report abuse »
This is what I have been searching in many websites and I finally found it here. Amazing article. I am so impressed. Could never think of such a thing is possible with it…I think you have a great knowledge especially while dealings with such subjects.
Report abuse »