This story begins with a Swedish man. This story also begins with an American woman. This story, my story, begins with my parents. My father was born and raised in Sweden, and moved to the United States during the 1970’s to seek his fame and fortune in the land of opportunity. My mother was born in Chicago, Illinois. The two met in a small, summer resort town in southeast Wisconsin, in the late 1980’s. They moved back to Sweden, where they were married, and soon settled to raise a family.
I was born in Stockholm, as was my younger sister, and we lived there with our family until I was two years old. We packed up & moved to the United States, and from there on out, I was raised as an American child. In the following sixteen years, I moved around quite a bit. My parents divorced when I was six, and at the time we had been living in Wisconsin, near my mother’s family. I moved to California, with my mother & sister, and lived there until I was fifteen. I left California for Michigan, to live with my father and stepmom, just before I turned sixteen, and lived there until June of this year.
I’d just graduated high school. My older brother, who had remained in Sweden (and was now married, with four children), was strongly encouraging me to come and visit him, if not just to see him & our family, but also to get in touch with my roots. The plan was simple: I was to live with them for six months, take a few classes in Swedish, and just get a feel for what day to day Swedish life was like. But as the months have passed, the plan has evolved and changed a great deal. Seems I’m going to be here longer than I thought. Whether or not it is for the better has yet to reveal itself, but as I am an optimist by nature, I can only hope that I am doing the right thing by staying here… over four thousand miles away from the people I love, and the only life I’ve ever really known.
And so, here I am. What am I doing here? Well, that’s a question I’m still asking myself, but for the time being, I am just rolling with the punches. I’m enrolled in SFI (Swedish For Immigrants) at a Gymnasiet in a neighboring community, and I’m going to school five days a week, trying to learn Swedish. What comes next? I honestly have no idea. I’d love to get a job somewhere, but it’s slim pickings for someone who only speaks English. ((Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated!))
I’m really starting to grasp a sense of irony from the situation I’ve found myself in. Growing up, I was extremely proud of being Swedish. Any time a teacher, school counselor, potential employer, pageant judge, or DMV clerk would notice on a piece of paperwork that I was born in Stockholm, I would glow, and happily answer any questions they had. And they always had questions. “What was it like, there? Do you remember it at all? Do you ever go back to visit? Why did you move to America?” I revelled in the fact that I had dual citizenship, and as a child used to brag about it to my friends. Hey, cut me some slack! Whenever anyone found out I was from Sweden, they were immediately interested in whatever I had to say, as if my birth place somehow affected my IQ and gave me an award-winning personality. It’s pretty hard to not abuse that kind of power when you’re that young.
So where is the irony? Well, I am starting to realize how (I don’t know any other way to put it) not-Swedish I am. That’s not to say I am now identifying myself as an American. To be honest, I have no idea who, or what, I am. All I know is that I have been thrown into an environment where my world has been turned completely upside down, and it’s as if I am having to learn to walk & talk all over again.
I am having a lot of difficulty relating to Swedish kids my age, particularly the ones I’m now going to Gymnasiet with. Part of that could have something to do with my maturity level: I always hung out with the older kids in high school, and never could quite get along with the students in my grade. But the culture clash is also starting to wear on me, and making it clear to me just how different I am. For example, from what I have observed thus far -
Swedes hate eye contact, and are very reserved around strangers. I, on the other hand, am bright eyed, eager, and smiling at people on the bus.
Swedes are quick to think you have some sort of hidden intention if you try to brush up a conversation with them. Then there’s me, where I feel no embarassment whatsoever about approaching someone at school and remarking about the shoes they are wearing, the book they’re reading, or asking them if they can recommend anything fun to do in town.
I’m not doing these things to be a creep, or drive people away from me. This is the way I’ve interacted with people for the last eighteen years. I’ve never known any other way. Is my behavior considered American? Not necessarily. I’ve met many Americans who are just as reserved around strangers, and wouldn’t think twice about saying “F*** off” to someone who randomly approached them on the street. It could all be a matter of personality, and a person’s comfort zone.
Regardless, I’m having a hard time making friends since I’ve moved to Sweden. Part of it could be my behavior, part of it could be the way I dress (though I will touch up on the subject of my fashion vs. Swedish fashion on another day), but I think the main reason is because I don’t speak Swedish. It immediately throws up red flags to anyone I meet, and stamps a big, red label on my forehead: “Immigrant”. No one has ever once taken the time to ask me where I came from, so I’ve never been given the opportunity to explain the situation: that I am indeed Swedish, and merely trying to catch up! I’m sure it probably doesn’t help my situation that the only kids I really socialize with at school come from the Middle East and Africa, all of whom look the part of an immigrant moreso than I do. I’m not the only one who is being ignored. Several of the kids in my class speak nearly fluent Swedish, and have tried breaking out of their shells to socialize more with the Swedish kids at our school, but no one will even give them the time of day. There are the rare few, who are former SFI students, who talk to us, and a couple of kids who approach us to ask how to say something in English, so they won’t look stupid when they go to class in an hour without having studied the night before. But other than that? Nobody. And it’s truly heartbreaking, because the kids in my class are good-hearted, wonderful people. I turned eighteen on my third day in class, and was horribly depressed because I was so far away from home. You know what they did for me? They threw me a birthday party during class! Cakes, cupcakes, delicious orange flavored saft, birthday candles, the works. Do these Swedish kids realize what kind of friends they are missing out on?
I know that not all Swedes are biased against immigrants. To assume so would be asinine. I do believe that the general Swedish public is full of intriguing, open minded people, many of whom would like a chance to get to know me, or any other person with a story to tell. But the fact of the matter is, I am currently meeting a lot of hostility & resentment because I am not a native Swedish speaker, and no one is really giving me a chance. That is a hard mountain to climb.
As I’m sure you’ve read the title to this blog post, I’m sure you’re wondering what it means/what it has to do with me. Well, it’s a bit of a spin on an old proverb: “Beware the wolf in sheep’s clothing.” I’ve had this analogy in my head for quite some time. You see, I’ve been trying to explain to my friends back home why I am having such difficulty adjusting to life in Sweden, and after trying in vain to make them understand why people immediately dislike me, I figured out the perfect way to word it: Sweden, and it’s people, are a flock of sheep. Some Swedes view immigrants as potential threats, or simply dislike them/feel uncomfortable around them because they are different. The immigrants are seen as wolves, and though they may be harmless, the sheep aren’t taking any chances. And that’s where I come in. I’m the sheep in wolf’s clothing.
And so, now that I have gone & thrown myself a pity party, allow me to introduce myself: My name is Cortney. I’m eighteen years old, and I am a citizen of both America and Sweden. I’ve started this blog because I want to chronicle my experiences of re-discovering my roots (and maybe even re-discovering myself), & share them with others in the hopes that I can reach out to people in similar positions, or maybe even help someone who finds themself as lonely as I’ve been feeling these last months.
I believe I will make friends here, I don’t think this rut will last forever. I believe I’m going to find happiness in Sweden. I just have to work hard enough to find it. I’ve yet to meet a challenge that I couldn’t overcome.
Wonderful and thought provoking article Cortney! Whatever you do, don’t change your inquisitive nature or positive outlook on life… Hang in there and continue to stand up for beliefs!
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Well said Cortney. As a song I listened to in my youth the lyric reads, “Don’t let the bastards get you down.” I doubt you will as you are staying positive and being yourself.
My mother was an immigrant from the Philipines and my father an American from Chicago. They met in the 50’s in San Francisco. She was a naturalized US citizen because my grandfather served in the US Army during WWII. Anyway to make a long story short, because of my mixed ethnicity, I was never accepted by my American peers, most of my friends were immigrants and refugees from other countries. So yes I know what wonderful friends those kids are missing out of as friends.
I gave up trying to “fit in” and always stayed true to myself. Yes it was very lonely at times being the sheep in wolves clothing. Times will be better and the friends in your life will be “true friends” because they accept you as you are. A few true friends is better than a “flockful” of superficial ones.
Should the sheep finally think out of the herd, they will find a wonderful young lady as a friend and be lucky to know you Cortney.
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Give yourself time. Time is your friend.
After six months the language will be much easier.
After a year, once communication has been established, things will start to make sense.
Take advantage of your strengths.
If all else fails, then you can always teach some English. Volunteer at your school. Some folks like the British (RP) accent; some like the American.
Everything happens for a reason.
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Hi, Cortney! Hang in there…I wish you could meet my family that lives over there…some on Goteborg and some in Stockholm and they are NOT your typical stereotype Swedes…there are kids over there who are great kids who are open to being good friends. Both of my stepsons speak fluent English and Swedish and so do their friends. They both are involved in music (something more Swedish schools need, I think) and I’ve never seen them shun anyone based upon where they are from. Part of it may be the area you live in, too. Take care and Good luck!
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Be glad that you are and optimist Cortney, try being a pessimist in Sweden, then it’s really tough making friends…Good things will come with time
That English teaching idea is a good one!
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You are going through the same thing I will be going through in approx 1 month! Yup, I is moveing to Sverige and Jeg also cannot tale svenska meget good…but i am trying!!! What is even funnier is I speak English German Spanish French and smidgen Danish And BROOOOTHER!!!! It can sound like a chichen getting its feathers sucked off by an electrolux !!!
YOU WILL DO GREAT AND SWEDEN AND THE SWEDES WILL LOVE YOU…. (if not, run over them with a Volvo )
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I really understand what you must be going through. I was told that Swedish people are a lot more friendly and unbiased but I guess I learnt the hard way.
Nevertheless I am keeping my fingers crossed
Hang in there!!!
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Your beauty is a reflection of your inner beauty…Keep it up!!!
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What a wonderful article. At long last a blog on The Local enagages! Fantastic reading.
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Great story, do you mind me using this in my English classes? I’m an English teacher.
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Excellent article. Unfortunately you are not politically educated so you can’t recognize how much politics has influence on life of ordinary people. Common opinion about immigrants is produced by right wing political parties, secret agency and their journalists. Political establishment don’t know how to open new job places but they would like to be elected again, therefore they put finger on foreigners and ordinary people follow politicians and medias like sheep. That’s result of nationalism and patriotism, people follow politicians and medias, it means they follow hate on the basis of nationality, it means fascism. As you see, foreigners started to burn Uppsala. But they are not Americans, they are much more discriminated than Americans. In any case, in USA exist white-black racism, while in Europe exist hate among nations (wars in the past, colonialism, etc) even EU is united officially, but unofficially, if you move yourself from Poland to Denmark, you will not be welcomed. Therefore I would correct you: Swedish are not sheep, they are wolfs dressed like sheep. They are majority, and they produce conflict with trying to make hegemony: abolishing of immigrants identity and securing existence of their identity (they have imagined fear for their identity, such fear is produced by right wing idiots who don’t know how to create new job places but they would like to be elected again and to continue to enjoy in privileges of their political positions).
I can tell you, situation is the same in whole Europe, in last 4 years I was in half Europe. You can imagine how much are discriminated East Europeans, Africans and Arabish when someone from USA can’t make friendship with Swedish. Therefore foreigners who live many years in Sweden started to burn everything. I know you are against burning, but burning means that people were kicked in brain many years and there is no more place for negotiations.
Everything the best for you, if you want to swim against river (which became strong and fast because of right wing idiots) you should find people who are friendly like you (immigrants and Swedish who are helping to foreigners) and swim together with them against river. It means: organize and resist:) Life is fight, with aim to secure enjoying and happiness.
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I’m American and have been here for almost two years. I do speak some Swedish but would not call myself fluent – that’s probably the most important thing you can do. But despite that I have made several close Swedish friends here.
Don’t give up and keep an open mind. There are a lot of good people out there – it’s just sometimes you have to look under a few rocks to find them.
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I think you underestimate how important a common language is, especially for people in a high-school social environment. It’s not that people are wary of immigrants or afraid of them in anyway, it’s just that it’s hugely inconvenient to switch the English to include someone in an otherwise Swedish speaking social circle, since most of them probably feel better and communicate easier in Swedish. It’s kind of presumptuous to attribute a simple problem to a general prejudice against immigrants.
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Your article reminds me very much of my own situation when I was in my late teens. I had moved to Germany to work – sort of due to being tired of school. My German was fairly good, to start with, but still I didn’t make many friends. Among my work mates, it turned out that I came to get good relations only with the two other foreigners. One of them came from Romania and had German mother tongue. But that didn’t help much.
The natives considered me to be… well, I don’t know actually. Complicated, perhaps? Hard to understand? I refuse to believe it could have been a language issue. But surely it was about such things as body language and how it gets interpreted in the context of local cultural codes.
What I try to say is that although speking the local language (and trying doing it again and again and again) really is an important point, the fact that one has lived most of one’s life in other cultural surroundings is a huge obstacle for one self and for others in understanding each other and making friends.
Climbing over that obstacle isn’t easy, but when one has made it once, it gets easier and easier for every new social or cultural group one tries to entry.
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Hej Cortney!
Interesting story, and I’m sure many of us have felt similar, though we have not had the same situation as you. It definitely rings a bell!
Where you from in Michigan? Im also from Michigan, born and raised in Flint though I then moved down to West Bloomfield. Also where do you live here now in Sweden?
If you are around Linköping, look me up and I will talk to ya =) Also, just hang in there, it takes a long time to make Swedish friends. The only realy Swedish friends I have I met outside Sweden…interesting huh….
-Mike-
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Dear Cortney,
please move to Canada as soon as you can! You will be loved right away! Every nordic person I know, including germanic people fall in love with Canada. They seem to shed all that reservedness within a very short time when they live hear.
Dear Cortney, Canada was built by people like you FOR people like you. Like you, I have Swedish ancestry. I admire them alot. But if you want friendliness, you will be hard pressed to find a nicer country than good old Canada!
A big hug and kiss to you, my sweetheart!
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Hi Courtney,
Maybe some of your experiences are because you were like me and didn’t come to Sweden at the best time. A lot of people are loosing jobs, both foreign and Swedish. The economic climate is not so great here at the moment.
Unfortunately during these bad times foreigners/immigrants often bare the negativity and frustration that is in the environment.
I have lived here for 14 years without speaking Swedish totally fluently. It is possible to survive and have friends in Stockholm without knowing Swedish. It is maybe a bit harder to get jobs but not impossible. You just have to become more creative I guess.
There are American clubs here you can join if you get too lonely.
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Hi Cortney,
I LOVED your post. It reminds me a lot of my situation. I was born in El Salvador and came to Canada when I was 12 years old along with my family (Mum, dad, three younger brothers and baby sister). We settled in a very small town named Trenton (province of Ontario) and we were the very first kids that went to the elementary and secondary schools there that were from another country but were not exchange students. There were others with Greek and Italian backgrounds but they had been born and grew up in Canada and were already part of the community. Some people were amazingly nice and some were awful. Since I didn’t speak any English at all it was tough to get along with people and make yourself understood. Within six months I was doing very well and could hold my own. What I wasn’t prepared for was the blatant racism and name-calling that I got from my peers in Elementary School. I was called a n***er, a paki, and told to go back to my own country many times. I remember once that I was so upset that I mentioned it to the school counselor and I even cried out of pure rage and he just brushed it off. Eventually I made it to high school and found my niche. I started skateboarding and got involved in Student’s Council and made loads of friends. One thing that really struck me then about how people can change is that in Elementary there was a guy by the name of Jason who was extremely nasty to me. Used to be really bad when it came to name-calling and even used to brag about the fact that his trainers were worth more money than my entire outfit. In High School we were in the same Family Studies class and we had to volunteer at the pre-school that we had on the premises. It was a lot of fun but since it was around Christmas time one of us had to be the Santa for the kids party that the pre-school had. I am a bit of the bigger side and naturally I was chosen but I was concerned and said to Jason, “But I can’t be Santa, I am not white!” He just looked at me and said “It doesn’t matter, you will do a really good job!” It was then that I realised that people can and will accept you and you can be part of a community. It just takes time and effort. First and foremost is learning the language. A few years later in uni I ran into a guy that I went to school with who had moved away and he said that it was really hard for him to relate to me then because I didn’t speak the language and he didn’t think we had much in common. Funny enough in uni we ended up working out together all the time! Hang in there! Embrace your Swedish and American heritage and draw the best from both! It took me a long time but I realised that I am a very proud Canadian and part of the great immigrant tradition that has made our country what it is. I am rooting for you!
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From your writing; I can say, you have already got the necessary experiences from Sweden, so, the rest would be easier!
By the way you have a lovely writing style.
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>speedygonzales
Dohoho. It would be exciting to see a response or topic on this matter.
>Dennis
Please read the section where people assume she’s up to no good. They assume she’s makin’ trouble in the neighborhood.
I’m glad your article was able to touch so many people so soon. I’m sure many others have read it but didn’t post as well. I suppose, in a way, that you might feel less lonely knowing others have felt similar to you.
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I just got home from helping out in my brother’s workshop, only to find I had nineteen amazing comments on this blog of mine. The feedback I’m getting is unbelievable, thank you all so much for your kind words!
Streja, you are more than welcome to use this article in your English class, I would be honored!
As far as learning the language goes, I’m doing my best. I have the advantage of living with three children in my home, all of whom speak Swedish, and so they are a large motivation for me to become fluent. I agree with you all one hundred percent that learning the language is crucial to making friends and fitting in, particularly in a high school social setting. I will keep you all posted on how my progression with Swedish affects my social life!
Again, thank you all so much for your kind words. You have no idea how much reading your comments meant to me. I just spent the last ten minutes reading these all out loud to my sister-in-law, and I think it’s safe to say I’m not the only one who feels incredibly touched by the open arms I’ve found myself in. *:) I love this website.
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Tha´nk you for sharing, I put my response here:
http://www.thelocal.se/blogs/alexakesson/2009/11/23/returning-to-sweden/
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great blog! I have been planning on moving to Uppsala and studying there in an exchange program for one year and I’d like to possibly move there for as long as I like to work and live. In my senior year of highschool I met a Swede who came to my town in Brighton, CO and we became great friends from the first day I met him on the first day of classes. I have always been very intrested in foreign exchange students trying to help them have a good time here and to learn about their culture. It seems that most kids here were amazed by exchange students as well. Everyone loved them, all they had to do is speak with an accent or say they were from another country and everyone wanted to bring exchange students to parties etc. Needless to say becoming good friends with the exchange student Erik from Sweden sparked my interest in Sweden and it has become my dream to go there. At first learning about Sweden. I only heard great things, but the only thing that I keep hearing is that Swedes are very reserved and it is difficult to make friends there. I know this is a stereotype and there may be very many outgoing people as with any country reguardless of norms/culture. I am a little nervous about the fact that it may be hard to find good friends in Sweden when I’m there. Luckily, I have a really good Swedish friend that can help me out a bit and possibly make more connections through him. Another good thing is I love to party and throw back a few drinks and like anyplace it is a great way for people to relax and become comfortable to emerge from their shells. Even if it is tough I’m ready for the challenge and very excited to study in Sweden in the fall.
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Having read that, I’m convinced you’ll be fine. You have optimism and inner resolve. Don’t give up, keep smiling – its almost never as bad as we think.
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i will say that quite a few swedes are jelous of your “american” comunication skills. use it your advantage. swedes have something to say. sure, you may start the conversation but make them talk. and (as you already know) cutting into a conversation here is thought to be much more rude than the states. im just past year 2 in sweden and I can say it gets better and better from a 30+ white male perspective. for what is worth.
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Hang in there, us Swedes are a tough nut to crack but once you get under our shell I think you’ll find some of the best friends of your life.
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Hey,
I understand exactly how you feel. I am Swedish and my family is swedsih as far as can be traced, however I was given an “unswedish” name and therefore experience much of what you have described. that was the main reason I left Sweden as a 21 year old and moved to the States to stay there for 13 years. Moved back a couple of years ago when I met my wife, hoping things have changed. It hasn’t. My wife is not Swedish and could have easily written your post. I am even more “kept away” since now I have been even more “unsweded” by living abroad so long. Getting swedish friends for any of us…forget it! We’ll stay another year and then leave this biased country…heading to Canada, similar social system but hellofa nicer people! Suggest you stop wasting time here and start living. Cal is not bad just stay grounded out there!
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Hey there,
The problem with us Swedes is that it takes a while for us to warm up to someone so “casual friendships” isn’t really our thing, however if you do get a Swedish friend chances are they are going to consider you a friend for life.
Best wishes
Lars
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Love the entry. Very engaging writing!
I must say I am terribly surprised by this. Loads of Swedes are “anglophiles”, and while you’re not really English, you should really come in kind of the same category. I know Americans as such are not the most popular of nations still, after Bush etc, but I am still amazed.
Perhaps it’s the fact you are in a class with so much younger students (only very few in Gymnasiet are anywhere near 18) could have an effect? I would have assumed someone coming from America (or other “equal-level” society country) would be a riot at parties and what have you.
Swedes do have more of a shell though, and “first contact” properly can be a bit more tricky for near-adults (closer than child, anyway), especially without Swedish. It’s not so much you’re seen as suspect, I think, but a weird sense of shyness on their parts. It’s kind of like it would be “presumptuous” of a Swede to get an American friend, implying they would have something to brag about (bragging is a big no-no in Sweden).
I normally find though that if a group of Swedes meet someone who are very extrovert and positive, they usually react like anyone, with positive reactions. Many Americans I know kind of unconsciously act very self-assured in a manner that is similar to “bragging”. They are not really, and don;t think the world of themselves, but it’s small mannerisms that does it, which could possibly annoy the very timid Swedes. I wouldn’t advice you to change that, if you find that might be the cause, but something to keep in mind.
As someone said in the comments, you often find the best Swedish friends outside of Sweden (as in my experience, you usually do with any nation), but there’s shitloads of good ones in there as well!
I’m very sorry for those commentors that have had bad experiences, but I know very well that this is the same in any country. It always helps to have a few contacts to start with, to create a network.
Try joining some associations, like sport/games, school newspaper, Warhammer or other conflict boardgames, roleplaying, anything you are interested in. Of course, try to go to parties if possible. An English-speaker SHOULD be high social currency at least if alcohol is involved. Perhaps keep it to yourself if you are a big fan of Mr Bush though…
Doing something in an “official activity capacity” will automatically get under the initial social shell. This is a good tip for anyone moving abroad by themselves, actually. Helped me a lot when moving to England, and I was very depressed here before getting some out-of-work friends.
All the best
Gunnar
Living in UK, but will move back one day.
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This article hits on the bulls eye!! Al this talk of equality and other shit in sweden is nothing but crap!
The swedes are the most weird people one can come into contact. They think their world cant be better than it is and just stab you behind the back everytime!!
They are he black sheep!!
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I really feel for you, and I totally agree with your assessment and a lot of what’s been said here. I think Swedes are either afraid of or simply not interested in outsiders. The school system keeps the same group of children together from first grade up to gymnasium which makes them uncomfortable with newcomers.
A few months after I came here from California, I turned 30. This milestone was complete ignored by my SFI class until afterward when I was informed that I was expected to bring my own cake and host the festivities. I eventually learned not to expect much from my attempts to befriend Swedes. 10 years later, all of my close friends are immigrants. My Swedish friends are people who have also recently moved to the area. They have also noticed that the “locals” keep the relationship superficial and have little interest in outsiders regardless of race.
You are very articulate and a talented writer. I look forward to reading more of your experiences. Good luck!
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Cortney: Your dilema brings back memories. Five years ago, myself, my wife (a Swede) and my two young daughters moved to Sweden from the States to give it a one year trial. To be honest, one year is really not enough, but that is all I could get without losing my teaching job. I became very discouraged at about 5 to 6 months in. I think it had a lot to do with my lack of progress at learning the language and the dark, gloomy weather. If I were to pass on any advice it would be:
1. You will find friends but things take time in Sweden. In America it is rather easy to make friends but the friendships are often transient. (For us) in Sweden, it took longer, but the friendships have continued. Also, no offense to you Stockholmers, but being in a big city may also be a hindrance. We were in a rural area (Öland) and the people were friendlier.
2. You will learn the language, but not as fast as you imagined. Learning a foreign language as an adult is difficult. There is an immense amount of vocabulary that has to be assimilated in order to have an adult conversation. I think a reasonable goal is 2 to 3 years. I can’t say for sure as I was only in SFI for one year and I feel I am halfway there.
3. You can find a job, but it may not be what you want or feel qualified for due to your lack of fluency. Myself, a college educated teacher, found a job working as a flyttman (moving man). It was quite fun and I got to see a lot of Sweden, but the pay was a fraction of my salary in the States.
4. Finally, if you decide to move back to the States, as we did, you will find that you miss Sweden just as much as you are now missing USA. We are now debating as to wether or not we will move back to Sweden in a few years. If we do, though, we will bring plenty of penga. Everything is expensive and I estimate it may take another year or two to learn Swedish and find meaningful employment.
Good luck and I have to give it to you for guts. You are learning a lot more than you can ever imagine…
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As a native swede I agree with Gunnar about us beeing a bit anglophilic so americans and englishmen are considered cool by default (in contrast to many other immigrants , I’m afraid) . To some degree it might even be a bit of shyness to speak english with a native speaker since we either think our english too poor, or the opposite, believing ourselves so good at english that we won’t dare to challenge that self image =)..
On the other hand , You’re right about our suspicious attitude towards people who are too open too fast. It’s a pity of course but usually the only times someone who we don’t know comes forth looking straight in our eyes and even worse , greeting us with our names it’s either a slimy salesperson, jehova’s witnesses or a pair of men-in-black i.e mormons (usually american guys btw).
Speaking about looking in the eyes.. In most parts of the world the eyes are ‘the mirror of the soul’ and if you are looking for a persons intentions you should look at the eyes since they often betray the true feelings etc. Therefore it’s natural to show honesty by looking straight in the other persons eyes.
In Scandinavia and some other rare parts though, it’s found that you can’t trust just the eyes but have to look at the mouth as well to see a persons true feelings. I guess that’s at least part of an explanation why we don’t search eye contact as much as in other countries.
You are right too in that we often are a flock of sheep. Being part of the common is more safe than standing out as an individual.. That is a bad cultural habit from our long past rural peasant society they say. Hopefully that is starting to loosen up a bit but probably not as fast as we believe ourselves.
Besides -teenagers are tending to be like a flock of sheep everyhere, aren’t they, so that will give a more extreme impression together with the swedish national character I guess.
Still I think that some of the people you meet that you read as hostile are not that negative that you think but they just act in the same (seemingly) shallow or cautious or closed way they do when they meet fellow swedes. To a degree I think its misinterpretation.
Good luck and welcome deeper into Sweden. Just continue to be yourself and that will be great
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Cortney,
Nice blog and right on. I was born and raised in Sweden but have lived in the US for the past 26 years and Swedes are, in general, reserved but very willing to make friends; just a matter of time. I have had the same experiences when I visit Sweden as you describe regarding the “target” of an impromptu conversation with a stranger at an airport or in a plane being met with “why are you talking to me, what is your angle”? And I do speak fluent Swedish! Anyway, give it time and don’t give up, it may just be that you’re meeting the wrong people.
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Don’t lose heart. In time, you will make the friends that you need to. You are lucky to have such wonderful classmates.
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I was born in Sweden in the early 80’s. Nine years later I left the motherland with my parents and became an ‘utlandssvensk’ without any real choice in the matter. I don’t remember being very upset about it except for leaving my friends. It was a bit tricky to adjust to living in a new country but at that age it wasn’t too difficult. I did have to have private tuition to learn English so I could enrol in a school. Growing up where I did has made me a culturally aware and well rounded person. However there where may occasions where I was beaten up or picked on for being foreign. It’s something that was unpleasant but a part of life. Throughout this time I was very proud to be Swedish (I still am but in a less naïve way) and was well known for saying things like “in Sweden we do it this way…”. It was the source of many jibes from my friends but I persisted. I believe that growing up in a foreign country makes for a greater need to have somewhere to come from, where your roots are if you like. It lets you keep your identity. If someone asked where I was from I’d proudly declare “I’m Swedish!”. For my many friends over the years this has become an integral part of my identity.
Nine years later I decided to go to university in the UK. I had looked into studying in Sweden (it’s free!) but as I have no formal grades in Swedish I would have to study Swedish at Komvux for a year which I didn’t really fancy. My Swedish by the way is very good having always spoken it at home – you wouldn’t know I haven’t lived there for 18 years.
Mid way though university I took a year off to do my national service in Sweden, which my mother was very happy with as I could “get some Swedish friends”. I had a great time and did in fact make many friends for life. Incidentally during the assessment process I was asked by a perplexed psychologist why I wanted to do national service “surely you don’t feel very patriotic?”. During these 15 months I was described as the “Englishman”. I had gone from being the Swedish guy to the English guy! This suited me fine as I quite like the idea of being different but it does highlight the way in which the way you are perceived changes depending on where you are (quite obvious really). But I don’t think it makes any real difference for me personally. By then I was used to always being a bit of an outsider. The language was no problem for me at all (except for särskrivning of words) but I did find it hard to relate to my peers and I often talked about how good certain things were in the UK! But I don’t think this was because they don’t like outsiders, just a lack of experience with ‘foreigners’ on their part and Swedes on my part. Once we started opening up to each other our differences were not important any more.
After finishing university I ended up staying here in the UK. I still go back to Sweden a few times a year, still bringing my mates with me. We always have a fantastic time and they all have nothing but good things to say about it (except for the expensive alcohol).
Again they all think I am the epitome of Swedishness but get slightly confused when they go to Sweden and see that other Swedes are nothing like me. As someone posted above the Swedes you meet abroad are quite different from Swedes in Sweden.
I am often asked what Sweden/Swedes are like and I find it hard to give a simple explanation. On one hand they are liberal and friendly on the other very set in their ways and uncompromising. Everything is very clean and organised – done by the book. I do like that. It is something I often point to when remarking on the poor insulation or plumbing in the UK. But on the other hand I have worked out that one of the things I really love about the UK is the decrepitness of the place. Here you can act, wear and say pretty much what you want without any hassle. I think that is because there are so many people here, so many subcultures. There is always somewhere to fit in. In Sweden, despite popular belief (abroad), that is not the case (although It is OK to be naked a lot of the time and you can swear on the radio). When in Sweden I like dressing up like ‘a bag of shite’ just to get the locals looking at you in a funny way. This is OK as long as I have my mates with me but if you’re actively trying to make friends this probably isn’t the best approach.
I’ve thought about all these things a lot and have come to the conclusion that all places have their good and bad sides. And actually I think that most places have a sort of duality where in one circumstance, something is good, and in another bad (maybe I’m fickle!). And so what if when I’m in the UK I’m Swedish and when I’m in Sweden I’m English. I think I can be both and I’m a better person for it. Swedes may be harder to make friends with than people from home but this I think, is to be expected. Just persevere and you’ll make friends in Sweden just as you would anywhere else.
Soon I’ll be home for 24 days over Christmas enjoying the food and drink!
Good luck!
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Very excellent and correct picture
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Why on earth didn’t your father bring you up with your native Swedish language as well as English? Surely he had the responsibility to do that….yet he didn’t. And now you are struggling. I feel sorry for you. What a waste
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Everything you write in your article is correct.
After I lived in Cambridge, Ma (U.S.A.) I had in my note book over two hundred names and addresses. After seven years in Canada, I had about one hundred. After thirty years in Stockholm, I have ten names and phone numbers in my note book : my doctor’s, my psychiatrist’s, of the social bureau, the fire department, of the Soder sjukhuset,
of an Iranian, of a French and of a Swedish, a Turkish and an American friend.
Swedes are honest, punctual, clean, helpful, technically talented, intelligent, kind people, but they are lonely and unsociable. More of my thoughts about Swedes and my life in Sweden, I have outlined in my book “STOCKHOLM STORIES” ISBN 1425771629 (Xlibris) available at adlibris.com for those who have contributed to this column and may be interested in
finding out.
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You could always end up like me – I’ve been here 12 years and don’t speak any Swedish. There are jobs out there that you don’t need to speak english for.
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Good luck Cortney I am sure you will do just fine. Keep smiling it will get better.
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hej Cortney, my name is Duncan. my grandma and great grandma were danish and my great grandpa was swedish – treleborg. I’m 29 and currently live in Toronto.
When i was 27, i did a 5 month foreign exchange to Lulea University of Tech up in the north part of the country. i had been to denmark the year before to see my danish roots but as i don’t know of any swedish roots (Nelander) I thought going to school might allow me to gain some insight into that side of the family tree.
now when i arrived, i looked like everyone which made communicating difficult cause everyone thought i was swedish. my goal, like yourself, was to immerse myself in the swedish culture and make new friends. (maybe even marry a swedish woman and stay in the country! hahaha)
my university had an orientation program where first year swedish students got together with a few non swedish students and we all got to know names and such. we hung out a few times afterwards too cause i got all of their email addresses and communicated that way. sometimes, i find with the swedes – or the general population of the world these days – that it’s easier to talk online than it is face to face. they are worried about making mistakes speaking english that might be embarrassing to them and you don’t know enough swedish to have a conversation. but i found that having a fun, outgoing personality like i have, really helps.
i was myself. i didn’t try too hard nor did i try to be someone who i wasn’t. i found though, that doing things on my own in the swedish community allows you to get more interactive with the crowd than if you were with others who only speak english. (analogy – jocks and nerds – don’t mix supposedly)
one thing i suggest is – don’t change your life from how you were in the states. you might be thinking, ‘well that’s not possible cause i’m in a different country.’ this is true but do the things (shopping, library, play sports, etc) that you’d normally do and familiarity of your face will open a few doors. people might see you every so often – might see your struggles of handing swedish and courageously offer to help out – despite a lack of english vocab.
an example for me was when i came from canada, i brought my hockey equipment
(not a professional but i figured sweden ranks 2nd behind canada in hockey ((opinion/fact – you decide :p)) so i might find myself skating a bit while i was there – this was true)
anyway, i went to the main arena in lulea and asked to skate on the ice and i told the man (Kjell was his name i believe) that i was from canada. his english was decent so we talked about hockey for a while and then he said i could go skate on the ice alone for 2 hours! this was the ice surface the Lulea HF of the Swedish Elite League play on. It made my day.
while i was skating on the ice, a lot of swedish people coming in to buy tickets sat and watched me for a while and later on, the LHF trainer came to me and started talking to me in english about hockey. it was a great introduction to the swedes and i met up a few times. i lost his business card though so i haven’t kept in touch.
but the point of that whole rambling on was be yourself and stay true to what you’d normally do. you’ll meet up with people who speak english eventually or your swedish will get better and you’ll feel more confident talking to them and your foreigner stamp on your forehead will disappear.
one last thing (i know, it’s a long post) don’t be afraid to try new things. food, customs, parades, parties, swedish saunas, clubs. i went over with the opennest (haha) mind one could have and subsequently had THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE. it is possible. just make it on your own, your own way and things will fall into place.
if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. if not, enjoy your time there and take from all the experiences you had and use that to befriend others in a similar situation if you move back to the states.
good luck
Duncan
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Great post, some very accurate observations too of Sweden, the culture and the people. Some ramblings:
I feel sorry that you have not met good friends yet, but it does take time to establish friends here. More so than other European countries. Scandinavian reserve to blame. Just keep at it, you will find friends, be they of Swedish origin or otherwise.
I moved to Sweden 2 years ago with Swedish wife (a very non-Swedish personality, she lived abroad from age 19) and little boy, for the first 4 months I just wanted to go back to Scotland and could not see anything positive at all about being here, everything was wrong, but we stuck it out and it’s now better, Much better.
The one thing I will suggest is almost a cliche, that you should not change who you are, you must remain true to yourself, always do what YOU want to do, not what you feel is expected of you by what you call ‘the sheep’ and I jokingly refer to as the ‘Bjorg Collective’. Your way is best for you.
A sense of humour helps in Sweden, many people are so uptight, they need to ‘koppla av’ more and not take themselves so seriously. If you can joke with them in Swedish all the better……..
I tried early on being more ‘Swedish’ in my actions, but it just didn’t feel right, because it wasn’t right, I never will be ‘Swedish’ as I was not raised here, but being true to myself was the key to being able to survive here and actually enjoy it. I do not think I will ever think in the same way as the collective, so why try to change that? I am an outsider whether I act or speak Swedish or not, but at least I am still ME regardless!! Talk to strangers if you think it’s appropriate, not all of them will ignore you !! Some might be fun and want to speak to you. It gets you through the day
I started to learn the language from the outset thinking it would be easier to engage with people, which it is, but to be honest I am now not so sure how much of a difference it makes in making ‘real’ friends. The people I socialise with here almost exclusively use English when we are in each others company even though half of them are Swedish. It is what everyone feels most comfortable with, and it is in that environment that you make true friends.
I can converse fairly fluently so can speak Swedish if required in day to day life, in most cases I do, but often it tires me and I just skip to English. As soon as people see me they know anyway I am not Swedish, It’s like I have a big arrow above me with ‘I’m Scottish’ written on it!
I think that you will end up making friends wherever you go, as you seem to have a very outgoing personality and positive outlook, they will both help you achieve that..
The final thing is, do you have to stay here? If its so bad after you have tried living here for a few years, you can always move on, back to places, friends you know, or new adventures, try something else, whatever, at least you can say that you gave it a good try and it was not what you wanted….
Anyway, Good Luck, just be yourself. keep blogging
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Courtney
Don’t lose hope and hang in there.
I am of Swedish ancestry and I was raised by my second generation Swedish grandparents. They spoke fluent Swedish and so did their five children. All of my aunts and uncles spoke Swedish, and so did many of my slightly older friends in my hometown. My grandmother’s friends all spoke fluent Swedish, so did all of the older members of our church and all of the Swede neighbors in our neighborhood. I grew up immersed in two cultures, Swede and American.
I never learned to speak Swedish because our grandmother never taught us Swedish, but she did speak a few phrases, as did my aunts, to me on occasion. Swedish was an everyday language in our home because my grandmother talked in Swedish on the phone and with her visiting friends or when she said that there were “ears in the wall” to circumvent our hearing what she was saying. Thus, I was constantly exposed to Swedes and Swedish for the first 18 years of my life
When I was in Germany as a soldier, I had no problem with the Germans or their culture or traditions and I had many German friends, both former military and civilians.
My first wife had Swedish ancestry and her Dad spoke fluent Swedish and his dad, an immigrant from Sweden, spoke very good English with a heavy accent. He was a hard worker with a nice farm, and all of his children spoke Swedish as well. Thus, for the first half of my life I was part of the Swedish culture, and my grandmother kept all of the Swedish customs on holidays and when she had private lunches with her friends.
My second wife had German ancestry and she spoke fluent German, French and later, Italian. Her mother was pure German, and so she had an extended German family in Bavaria, and many German friends who I knew as well. I wrote to her friends in Germany for a few years as well.
So, I do have a hard time understanding how you find such trouble, since your brother is a native Swedish speaker and resident who must help you to understand and to relate.
Remember, you are Swedish, you were born in Sweden and you have as much right there as the natives who never left. Hang in there, travel about, and learn, and soon this experience will seem like a learning experience that was necessary. Avoid the naysayers. Pay attention to the native Swedes who have posted to you with positive comments and good wishes.
I want to return to Sweden to visit Halland, from where my ancestors originated and where our name is well known and extant. I do not belieive that I would have a difficult time in Sweden. My first wife visited her extended family on her Dad’s side over seven times, and she did not speak a word of Swedish. All of her experiences in Sweden were positive.
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Hello Courtney,
Excellent reading, and spot on! I have been here for almost 5 years, and still cannot relate to the Swedes. They are from a different planet my dear, its like a chip has been implanted in most Swedes, because they all seem robotic in nature. Trust me, do not believe all the nice things they are saying. My daughter also could not find any kids to relate to here, and schooling was very difficult, that is why we will move back, so that I could salvage whatever dignity, civility is left of my kids. The environment here is cold, just like the weather, so it matches the people “Cold!, sad to say but its true. It is very rare to meet a happy Swede, well not quite, unless they are intoxicated. Ive proven this time and time. ONe example, I went to a wedding, and sang a beautiful song, we were obviously odd out, but not one person said hello to me or even looked my way, but at the reception, after they all got drunk, they come up to my face and start passing compliments about my singing, and trying to make small conversation, that made no sense anyway, I just did a U turn, and acted stuffy and cold, dont worry it could never be offensive to them, its their nature to be cold. No matter what people tell you, trust me, its much better in the USA or Canada as someone wrote. The divorce rate is astronomically high, and rightfully, so, the kids here bring themselves up, with no rules, boundaries, discipline, self respect, manners or decorum, so that goes right into their adult life, where they have no control. Schools here are also a bit slack, so the quality of education is poor, compared to the states, but that could be good for some, who prefer the laid back approach to education. Sorry to be so negative, but its all facts. Oh, dont forget that its dreadfully cold, rainy, mushy and gray for about 9 months of the year. Truthfully, dont be anxious to find Swedish friends, because you will find you do not have much in common, and besides the expat community is much more friendlier and open. Join the Americans Women club,that helps with net.working. Good luck!
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Geez Louise!
I can’t believe some of this negative speak! I’m telling you I have known plenty of Swedes and other Scandies who came to Canada and they are just the most wonderful people.
My first nanny was a Swede ( Elsie Swansson ). Some of my favorite school friends were of Swedish extract, and they were my favorite friends.
Maybe our friendliness is what intimidates them. But that is not how I remember them at all. Most Swedish, Norwegian, Dane, Finn and Islandic people love Canada, and they fit right in! They don’t have any issues with adapting to Canadian life, because there is no need to adapt! I’m really not making this up. Maybe it’s the atmosphere of our very open society. Maybe it’s the water! Probably it’s the beer!
Sweden produces some of the worlds very best atheletes, and their hockey players are very greatly appreciated over here too.
Cortney, if you really want to meet some really nice Swedes, move to Canada!!
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Great blog. I think you will find people everywhere are the same; most are too caught up in themselves to be bothered to try to relate to someone they don’t know unless they need something from you. Yeah that is pretty cynical, but I am much older. I think the best way is to find Swedes who have a mutual interest so that you have something to offer. What you are doing now is like a telemarketer cold calling people. Teaching English worked for me. Hang in there.
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If anyone is interested in meeting people, we have a small
international club in Handen (only 25 minutes by the pendeltåg from Central Station). Every wednesday at 16.00
hours, it is our “coffee time” in the cafe of the Haninge Bibliotek. Just come and join us.
How to come? When you arrive at the Handen pendeltåg station, follow the people up. The Library/Kulturhus is about 100 m. right in front of you. The cafe is right when you enter the building. Ask the cafe owner where the international club is sitting. He will show you our table.
Welcome!
(There are no fees, no formalities. Just take a cup of coffee or tea or a soft drink and join our table. There is excellent food too at low prices.
Askin Ozcan – Author of STOCKHOLM STORIES, WISDOM IN SMILE,
THE SECOND VENICE, SMALL MIRACLES, LIGHTNING AND A BOUQUET OF ROSES, THE MINI-SUBMARINE
Vice President of the HIC (Haninge International Club)
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Courtney,
Angie made too many detrimental remarks about Swedes and Sweden.
Rather than not believing what Swedes are saying or writing, just be your positive and optimistic self and you will find that is the best course of action to take.
Such negativism about an entire population and such gross generalizations about everything from the weather to the education reminds me of the bard’s famous words: “. . . . you doth proteth too much, ” and all that that phrase connotes. Bitterness will get no one anything but more bitterness.
She is a poor ambassador for the United States, and the United States needs as much help as possible with their miserable rating in the world,
and rightfully so. Good luck to her with the current Depression in the States, and the 15 millions of unemployed people, and counting, and one in seven homes being lost to foreclosure.
I know U.S students who left High School who could barely read, and my brother was an educator for thirty years and found the same. I met some in college whose basic English composition skills were so miserable that they did not advance past their freshman year , and others who just skimmed through that year by the skin of their teeth.
I was taught to keep my own threshold clean before I complained about the threshold of someone else.
She needs to serve a hitch in the military to get her head around the world.
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I am feeling for you girl. But please take in the good advice in this blog: hang in there and it does take time and courage and perseverance. I am Russian from Baltic States, living 9 years in the US. I changed a lot and enjoying American culture. HOwever I am thinking of moving to Sweden, because I heard lots of wonderful things as much as hardships. Living in Minnesota ( by the way I lived in WI for 5 yrs as well). And I know how it is when the people are not open to foreigners. If prior of living in MN, most of my friends were Americans, here 99% of my friends internationals and Russians. I am enjoying my heritage and good qualities of people. And please be strong. I know it is hard. But depends on your attitude inside. You can always come back to the States. Try to make the best out of your time. It is life.
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