A few days ago I wandered Stockholm, taking random photos in the foggy twilight and generally just enjoying a chilled, late-autumn afternoon. The old buildings, cobblestone laneways, quaint little parks sandwiched in between stunning architecture and meandering traffic; the lights that twinkled in windows and doorways and festive trees surrounded by young families and squealing children; on the waterfront, with creaking old boats and the straining mooring ropes, a chill wafting in from the bay and the fading skyline disappearing into the darkening mist.
There have been many times – whether out on a wander, or heading in to work, or on the subway, or sitting in some late night café, that a sudden realization pierces through and snaps me into a sharp-focused reality: I live in Stockholm. Rationally, I know this. But there are times where the magnitude of that reality hits home, and I picture a big map of the globe, with a little push-pin inserted somewhere over Stockholm with a flag noting “You are here.” Coming from a relatively obscure city in Canada (more often it’s easier to just say I live close to Toronto), at times it still amazes me that somehow, inexplicably, I find myself surrounded by strange accents, foreign words, captivating sights that seem lifted from an old Bergman film. Europe – at least this little corner – is not foreign anymore; it’s home.
I lived in Dubai for a few years, and frequently had the same, sudden thought: How the hell did I end up in the Middle East? I could look out my office window and see the Burj Dubai, recently crowned the world’s tallest tower and an icon of the UAE’s ambitions; or drive down Jumeirah Beach Road and see the Burj Al Arab, arguably the first icon of Dubai and easily its most recognizable structure thus far. Had I traveled there for a vacation, seeing those identifying symbols of architectural achievement would be awe-inspiring and amazing, but wouldn’t stop me in my tracks. I’d expect to see them, just as I expected to see the pyramids of Giza, the Rock of Gibraltar, the Basilica in Barcelona, or even simple windmills in Holland, a chocolate shop in Belgium, the Rockies in Alberta, or an ice road in Yellowknife. They are temporary sights to behold, to photograph, to check off the list of things I want to see; but it’s a completely different sensation to realize that these things aren’t attractions per se – they’re in your backyard, things you pass on your way to work, almost inconspicuous against the greater backdrop of life. It’s those times – like seeing these images for the first time again – that reality hits and I realize I live here now.
Sometimes it’s not even a particular building or monument or postcard-famous sight. Sometimes it’s just a feeling, a general surrounding, a vibe in the streets. A couple of weeks ago Jill and I spent the day in Gamlastan, milling through the throngs, browsing print stores and window shopping, strolling through the Christmas market, getting lost in the alleys. At one point in the evening I was sitting on a set of steps, looking out over a crowded square lined with age-old homes, candles flickering in the windows, random faces glowing with seasonal cheer (and no small amount of glögg, I’m sure), and it hit me: I live in Stockholm. This is still a foreign country to me, a mystery to be enjoyed, explored; a cultural milieu that was only ever accessible on grainy war-era movies or tourist brochures, distant and seemingly contrived, but with an inviting aspiration of what life might be like.
But it’s here, it’s real, I’m here and still amazed at that fact. I don’t want to lose that random sensation, but with time and increased familiarity I fear it’s only inevitable. Until then I’ll keep staring up at the buildings, through soft-lit windows, at passing faces and crowded squares and sidewalk cafes and darkened pubs and cobblestones and archways and rolling parks and 3pm sunsets, at times amazed, at times lost in mundane thought, at times just trying to get home, and at times – when I’m lucky enough – realize that this is home. And then I’ll smile.
Tags: Swedish
beautiful feeling that must be
I remember I once had that nice and cozy feeling, back in the days when I was living in Amsterdam, just sitting in the park and watch those random faces walking by, it gives me a warmth sensation and it also hits me: I live here..and what a beautiful feeling it was..
Now, couple years later, I’m struggling to find that nice feeling again, which is strange, because I am living in my supposedly natural home – my birthland – yet, the feeling of being an alien is even more greater than how it is when I called Amsterdam as my home…perhaps being “home” is actually means being somewhere where your heart is….and I think I left my heart & feeling in Amsterdam….and what is life without heart & feeling, dont you think?
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Kemal – very true… Interestingly I feel the same way about Amsterdam – the first night I was there many years back was the first time in my life I’ve felt ‘home’. I’m part Dutch and despite having never been there, that first rain-soaked night walking the canals and sitting in darkened coffee shops just felt ‘right’, like a return to where I had been. I still get the same sensation whenever I return, and vow to live there one day. My wife and I are spending a long weekend there in March and I am sooo looking forward to it. Until then, I’ll have to simply enjoy my new StockHOME… (P.S. I’ve got a few galleries of Amsterdam / Holland pics I can share with you if you’re interested… let me know!)
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I know exactly how you feel, it’s kinda surreal sometimes to think that this strange foreign place is actually where I live.
I am like hey I actually live in a holiday destination! It does sound a bit exotic too when you tell your old friends back home casually ‘Yeah I live in Sweden now…’
It really comes home to you that, YES, OMG! I do actually live somewhere else in the world. And it’s all a bit different and they speak funny. But I am here.
Keep smiling.
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I get this feeling alot too, usually when just out for a walk. To look around at the picturesque setting of everything, no matter the season and be speechless because oh damn it’s Stockholm. It feels like Stockholm is this big awesome secret that very few people get to visit and see for themselves, and I get to see it every single day. Hell yes.
Enjoying your posts, and looking forward to more!
Sarah
@ No Man’s Land
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STOCKHOLM STORIES by Askin Ozcan. ISBN 1425771629 (Xlibris)
Perhaps of interest to the readers of this blog. Available at 200 internet bookshops incl. http://www.adlibris.com
http://www.xlibris.com/STOCKHOLMSTORIES/.html
web-page of the author:
http://www.xlibris.com/AskinOzcan.html
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@ PeddlerOfBombast
Yes the thoughts of taking a look at your amsterdam gallery is so nice, let me know how can I see it
The funny thing for me is that I am trying to find a way to move to stockholm, not amsterdam, at least not on this stage of my life, and you have a quite opposite condition compared to me
For me, Amsterdam will always be the place that has matured me as a person, so it is a very special place for me, and I too will look to move there again one day. But, my obsession with sweden from the day when I was still a child has grown so large these days, so I am preparing myself again to sort everything out to be able to move there..
Amsterdam has its people that makes it Amsterdam, but peaceful cold country like Sweden is where I want to settle and make it as my permanent home…quite strange in my point of view, at least for a person that born and grew up in SE asia, who used to have so many sun exposure like me :p
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@ PeddlerOfBombast
and by the way, I love your stockHOME’s photos, it makes me even more want to moved there ;D
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@ Kemal – here are a few galleries from recent trips to Amsterdam… I vow to live there one day. Cheers!
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=23378&id=660690116&l=04b80fc922
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=23128&id=660690116&l=e946d917b7
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=149304&id=660690116&l=d9d3022c2b
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=338816&id=660690116&l=4fa62aa5f9
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@ PeddlerOfBombast
fantastic mate! may you got your wish come true to move there someday
Big Cheers!
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