The 29-Day Blogging Challenge: L is for Listerine
When one chooses to move to a new country and live the expat life, one has to expect and accept that certain things once familiar and given are not readily – if at all – available. When I moved to Dubai I was really looking forward to the new foods – Turkish, Lebanese, North African, all manners of Sub-Continent fare… What surprised and delighted me, though, was the abundance of traditional North American food as well. Some of the big grocery stores looked no different from Sabey’s in Sweden, Metro and Fortinos in Canada, or Kroger in the US – massive, brightly lit, cavernous warehouses of polished shelves, bright signage, and every kind of pre-made, pre-packaged fare. I could buy the same can of Campbell’s soup, the same box of Hamburger Helper, the same Minute Rice, etc. If ever I was homesick for a taste of the Old Country, I could pop by my local Spinney’s or Choithram and stock up for a heavy sodium, heat & mix, ready-in-10-minutes meal.
Of course, there were certain staples of back home that weren’t available. For example, even through the stores stocked a number of Kraft products, they didn’t carry the traditional Yellow Death – otherwise known as Kraft Dinner, a box containing dried macaroni noodles and a packet of powdered cheese (or some benign orange chemical that doubled as cheese flavour and food colouring). Boil the noodles, drain, mix in a dollop of butter, a splash of milk, and the secret orange powder, and voila! Down home cooking well into one’s college years. There was impostor mac-n-cheez, but no back-home KD. And this isn’t due to import or dietary restrictions – most of these stores contained a room solely for pork products – real bacon, sausage, chops, etc. So, I took to smuggling boxes back whenever I visited, or having Jill include a few boxes in every care package. I got my fill and was satisfied with that solution, but was – and am – still mystified that certain things – of which KD is but one example – just weren’t available.
Ironically, Sweden doesn’t seem to carry Kraft Dinner either. We’ve found a Swedish version, but still no KD. But I’ve already mentioned KD, and this post is brought to you by the letter L, so – I’ll talk about Listerine.
Listerine, an iconic brand of antiseptic mouthwash dates back to 1879 when it was used as an antiseptic wash for surgical instruments. It was later made available to dentists as part of their treatments, and was the first commercially available consumer mouthwash in 1914. The original concoction that looks similar to a bottle of scotch, has a notoriously harsh, burning taste. It has since developed milder versions, as well as a range of alternative flavours. I never liked the alternatives – I like that early morning kick-in-the-ass swig of piss-yellow Listerine because, quite honestly, it taste like an antiseptic mouthwash should taste. The weaker, minty-fresh crap just doesn’t seem like it’s doing its job, or at best a half-assed effort. It’s like Buckley’s, a Canadian company just down the road from my hometown. They make cough medicine, and for years parents shoved the stuff down their kids’ throats to cure all manner of cold-related ailments. The thing is, the stuff tastes like crap. And a teaspoon of sugar does not help the medicine go down, no matter how melodically you put it. So many years back, perhaps following some of the competitive activity in the market, Buckley’s changed its formula – it made a cherry-flavoured version and a few others, put them on the shelves, and watched sales drop through the floor. Their customers stopped buying it, you see, because it didn’t taste like medicine, so they didn’t believe in its efficacy. Brilliantly – and this is a well-known case in the marketing world – the company went back to the old gut-wrenching, gag-inducing formula and slapped on its now-famous tag line, “Buckley’s. It tastes awful. And it works.” Sales shot up. People loved the line, delivered in TV commercials by the grandfatherly owner of the company himself. Who says there’s no truth in advertising?
For me, the same holds true with Listerine. If I want something to make my breath minty or cinnamony or icey or whatever, I’ll grab some gum, a candy, or lick the back of a stamp. No, I want antiseptic action, and I want it to burn. I want it to charge in, all asses and elbows, and take no prisoners. I want an oral Blitzkrieg. I want to cringe, to hurt, to countdown the seconds like they’re my last on earth. Original, scotch-coloured Listerine does that. But do you think I can find it in Sweden? Nooo. I would prefer to go without KD than without Listerine. As a grudging compromise I’ve had to make do with the purple, minty, icky Listerine-lite version, and I’m none too happy about it. If anyone from J&J is reading this (Ha! Yeah, I know), hook a brother up!
Anyway, Jill just came back from a conference in Washington, and as we always do, the returning party brought the patiently-waiting party some presents. I always tended to bring back jewelry, hand-woven tapestries, pashminas, carved bric-a-brac, something nice. So what did I get from Obama’s backyard? A box of Scoobie Doo Kraft Dinner (yum!), 4 Cadbury’s Cream Eggs (haven’t found them here, and they’re my favourite confection), and… a bottle of original recipe Listerine! AWE-SOME. Can’t wait to get ready for work tomorrow. It’s gonna hurt sooo good.
The funny thing is, Jill found the bottle in Washington, in a Korean convenience store, and the bottle is imported from Indonesia. Yes, Indonesia. The colour is a little off, too, as I remember it. We’re honestly thinking this is bootleg mouth-hooch, but I really don’t care. It’s the closest I’ve come to real Listerine, even if it is just a mix of gasoline, bleach, and kraft-dinner food colouring.
Previous posts: Introducing the 29-Day Blogging Challenge; A is for Anonymity; B is for Busses; C is for Canada; D is for Dogs;E is for Expatriate; F is for Failure;G is for Google; H is for Hedgehog; I is for Indian food; J is for Jill, obviously; K is for Kurt Cobain
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I think Listerine was packaged in a glass bottle inside a corrugated cardboard tube for nearly 80 years before the first revamps were made to the brand
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