(edit title) Dealing with bullying 9 y.o. in school. Options

[Migga]

Swedish culture and system favours the bullies in the school and workplace, that a fact.

Is that a fact, sounds like an opinion. What`s your proof?

[jack sprat]

Best solution is to get a transfer for your son to another school. . Swedish culture and system favours the bullies in the school and workplace, that a fact.

Quite true, I recall similar situations being discussed on previous threads.

If the lad is looked upon as an outsider or originating from a different country, Swedish kids look on it as a great opportunity to show how macho they are when mob handed.

Put them in a one to one situation and they wouldn't say boo to a goose.

[Migga]

You don`t have to narrow it down to only swedish kids. Kids everywhere bully outsiders.

http://www.svtplay.se/video/316409/bully

[Gamla Hälsingebock]

"Put them in a one to one situation and they wouldn't say boo to a goose."

Would you?...The Swedish ones bite and are used to chase away Scillians!

[olga118]

Lest we forget, bullying is actually a crime in Sweden, as it should be. The school is required to take action and, if they don't, that is a reportable offense. Perhaps mentioning that to the school would stimulate some action.

[ingeling]

For your child to have to go through any kind of bullying I think is any parents worst nightmare. I've been reading the suggestions on this thread and I agree with most of them to a certain extent - a child needs a group of peers where you can learn to assert yourself, in school and outside, and it's also good to have activities and sport groups etc where a child can grow more competent and confident as they go along learning new skills, but I think that you as parents in this case have to take a step back. You have to allow your boy to find a way to deal with the situation and solve it himself. This is the only thing that can boast his self-esteem. The more people meddle and try to do it for him, the more powerless and useless he'll feel.

I know it's hard to do this as a parent. It's so painful to see your child suffer, but it sounds to me like this 9 year-old is quite open about what's happening and has a good rapport with his parents, so maybe if you just show him you support him and think he's great the way he is ( trying too much to sort out the bullying through other people, talking to teachers, other parents, taking him to activities he's not chosen himself etc may affect his self-image negatively as hhe looses quite a bit of autonomy ) and make sure he knows YOU have faith in him being able to fix it himself, this difficult siuation may solve itself quite naturally.

You say your son is sociable and friendly with other children but that he has an accent which singles him out. So basically there's nothing wrong with HIM at all - he's just in a new environment and needs time to adjust and find his feet.

Talk about the incidents and support your boy but don't take over! As a parent this is very hard as our instinct will always be to preotect them, however, they have to grow up and learn to deal with stupid people. We're not born with self-confidence and assertivness, it's a long process which often starts in the play ground,

I think that if you take the pressure off abit your boy may surprise you.

Nothing wrong with trying to expose him to more "groups" of children to get more "practise" in the dynamics and learn things like standing up for yourself, but I wouldn't let the whole thing grow too big. Allow him time and space to work it out. Maybe he will knock someone out eventually. Maybe he will strike up friendships with other boys which will allow him to deal with the bullies more confidently, who knows, but one thing is certain: if someone else takes over and deals with it he'll probably never learn and may always be scared to become a target again in other circumstances as he grows older.

Sorry if it's sounds harsh but to me it's the only way to look at it.

I wish you lots of luck and hope your son will soon start to feel happier at school.

[Svensksmith]

Thanks ingeling for saying it much better than I could.

[mångk]

Gordy this is a very difficult and sensitive topic indeed!

So hopefully you do not take objection to any advice offered.

Having the benefit of reading through much of the comments, and whilst I agree with much that is said I would like to offer some alternate advice.

I am going to agree with Byke in that it is likely that karate or the other forms of martial arts may not be the best in this scenario. It seems he 'wanted' to and then when he went once he did not want to. Violence is not going to be of any assistance and should be avoided.

I am not sure how long ago the move to Sweden was, but it sounds to me from what you have described that the things your son used to enjoy and do back 'home' he has lost interest in. Correct me if I am wrong on this.

Also it sounds like back 'home' your son was also a bit quiet but has really withdrawn after the move and after a reasonable settling in period. Is that a fair assessment?

What I would suggest is that you talk to his teachers and find out if after the move he has further withdrawn at school in the classroom as well.

It could be a case of your son suffering from culture shock and is overwhelmed and that could be leading to the other problems.

It sounds as though you are making every effort to find activities and hobbies that your son is interested in and that you can share. Another good thing! However be a little careful that he is not doing these things just to please you or out of fear that he is not living up to your expectations.

Your son is at that age where he may be shifting from having a family based identity to developing an individual, personal identity and starting to have independent thoughts and so on. So it is important to see that his personal identity is not that of 'victim'. Some people feed off that. Remember that a little shy or a little quiet is not a bad thing, but 'overwhelmed', 'weak/submissive' and 'victim' can have life-long consequences.

I am trying to think of a good example, so not offense with this one! If you have seen a litter of puppies for example, there often is one particular puppy that appears weak or submissive, and it is often that puppy that the others pick on, dominate and bite in a more aggressive manner that sometimes goes beyond just 'playing'. Even when the puppies are not playing you can easily identify that puppy by its body language. Sometimes there is another puppy that is also a bit quiet and a bit of a loner, but that puppy is not bullied like the other one, it seems happy to do its own thing and the dominant puppies often don't try and be so aggressive even when playing with that quieter puppy. Its body language it different to the submissive/weak puppy. It is okay to have a puppy that is a bit quiet and a bit of a loner IF that puppy is balanced. It is not so good to have a puppy that is too weak and submissive because generally that puppy lacks balance and if that lack of balance is not corrected it tends to lead to socialisation and other problems later.

I am not suggesting you are and it doesn't sound like it but try not to make things too formalised and be careful of your body language when dealing with the issues. Make sure that your son is not doing things just to please you!

It does depend on the circumstances, but the bullying may be a consequence and not the actual cause. It also may be that if things are not improving it could be beneficial to have third-party assistance.

I would repeat that this is just an alternate point of view from much of the good advice offered, it is not intended to upset or cause too much concern.

It is a very difficult and sensitive topic and I wish you all the best!

[Gordy]

hopefully you do not take objection to any advice offered.

No I don't take objection to anyone giving good intentioned advice.

Indeed it's possible that I am part of the problem, so I welcome all points of view.

We are here about 2 and a half years now, and if anything my lad has come out of himself more here than he did before we moved. Here is definitely seen as home by the kids there has never been a question raised by my son about moving back to Ireland and when his old school in Ireland came up in conversation recently he only had vague memories of some things I questioned him about so it is definitely not something he dwells on.

So it is important to see that his personal identity is not that of 'victim'. Some people feed off that.

This is precisely the point I am worried about, the latest incident with a lad who up until recently was his friend has really set the alarm bells ringing as this guy has obviously picked up on the fact that my son is vulnerable to intimidation and for whatever reason he has decided to pick on my son as well.

I was a very late developer myself and even though I am 6ft. now right up to 18 I was always one of the smallest in my class and always had a problem with bullies and being able to deal with them.

I don't want my son to be in the same position and therefore my focus is on trying to ensure that he is able to deal with the problem himself.

At the moment he is not able to do that. That was very much demonstrated to me the other night when I brought him along to the scouts. We got there early and had a nice chat with the scout leaders and I waited with him as the rest of the boys and girls came in to the hall, but then he got agitated and said he wanted to leave, he wouldn't tell me why until we were out in the car. It seems he saw a photo on the wall of some older boys who had previously given him hassle in the school yard and even though they weren't there that evening he didn't want to stay for fear of them.

I did of course explain to him that they were much less likely to give him hassle in the future if they saw that they had things in common like all being scouts but I don't think he really took that on board.

I really don't know at this stage what the full extent of the problem is, from what he has told me so far it seems like he is reacting quite badly to quite minor incidents. So either there is more to it than what he is telling us or he is being very sensitive. We clearly need to slowly tease out what is going on.

[scumbag steve]

Life is not a bed of roses, and the sooner the kid realizes he cant cry like a bitch to the nearest authority figure, the better. Teach him how to fight, and to never back down even if the kid is bigger or tougher. If someone says something bad about him, he should deck that kid in the face, not cry like a baby to the anti bullying department. I used to be bullied, then i beat a kid with a relay pole so hard he got a mild concussion. Nobody fucked with me after that.