(edit title) Please help: Being denied guardianship of my child Can a foreign father really be denied custody? Options

[trustabused]

I have read through topics with some similarities here, and am really hoping that someone can help me out with a difficult situation.

My Swedish girlfriend and I are breaking up, and have a one year-old son. For background, I am American - we met in the states and lived there and elsewhere before having a child just over a year ago (the delivery was in Sweden). I wish we could stay together, but it's not going to work for several reasons, not least of all her refusal to come to the US even temporarily (I am a final-year medical resident there, and was in the middle of the program back when we met).

About a month after our son was born, we went to an office in Sweden where I signed papers saying that I was the father. (In the US, this information would have gone into his birth certificate at the hospital, but I guess in Sweden this isn't done if you're not married?) It was a very proud moment for me, of course, but a few things happened that I have come to regret. There was an opportunity to request a paternity test, which I declined - no problem there. The key thing is that there was also a choice to make as to whether or not I would be his legal guardian. I wanted to be, and told this to the somewhat-hostile staff person. Her English was very poor, though, and my Swedish is worse, so we ended up doing translation through my girlfriend. Bad mistake.

With a lot of pressure, half in English and half in Swedish, I was told through/by my girlfriend that as a foreigner it would be extremely complicated for me to to be a guardian. Very important: I was also told that I could revise the decision any time I wanted. The tone of the conversation strongly implied that inserting myself as guardian would complicate future paperwork and cause trouble for all involved. Basically, I was made to feel that I would be a jerk to insist, so I declined the guardianship. This didn't sit well with me, and immediately afterwards I told my girlfriend I wanted to go back in and change the decision. She promised me then that she would support revisiting things if I wanted, which I pushed for but she stalled on throughout the year. Since I expected we'd be spending a life together raising our son, I reminded her often but never took a hard line and demanded to go down to the courthouse. Another mistake.

Now, a year later, we are breaking up, and of course I would like to be a guardian of my own son. Of course, I have now learned that my (ex) girlfriend has to agree to instate me as a guardian. She refuses. She has openly stated that she wants to be able to plan his life, choose his schools, and move countries (she is a huge globetrotter) without my involvement. Since I am currently pretty tied to the US, or in the longer term other English-speaking countries I can work as a doctor, this is tough. She is talking about moving to Switzerland or France, which would basically mean I won't know my baby growing up.

It just feels as if the Swedish staff took me for some random guy who got a Swedish woman pregnant, and decided on the simple path of having me sign off with zero responsibilities or entitlements. That is far from the case. I have lived abroad for nearly two years to follow his mother around and to be with him, and we lived together throughout the pregnancy and his first year. I went on parental leave from my job at home to help raise him while she worked. It seems ridiculously unfair that I can be kept out of his guardianship, and essentially his life if she chooses, just on her say-so.

So, that's the situation. Sorry for the lengthy story; I have literally nobody to turn to for support or advice in Sweden, and I find the Socialstyrelsen website to be no help, almost unnavigable. What can I do?

[Mo]

you are way too naive to deal with Swedes, your best chance by far is to get a 3rd party whom she trusts (the child's grandmother possibly) to intercede on your part. Failing that you will need a lawyer.

[libertarianism]

I'm sorry I know nothing about custody laws. My first impulse though is get a good lawyer. I've seen the name Ruby Harrold-Claesson tied to some especially nasty cases where the state has taken children away for speaking English at home, etc. Perhaps she's available or her office could at least recommend someone in your area. My general impression is that Sweden's child welfare people can be really nasty (see the case of Dominic Johansson), and from what I've seen on comment boards, I believe a lot of fathers feel that they aren't treated fairly. Again though, I don't really know anything. Just find a lawyer who does. Best of luck.

[Yorkshireman]

The only course of action You have is the Family Court, to try and gain back Your 50% custody. Just because You signed it away does not mean that it is gone forever.

However, I will put this into perspective. You are not in Sweden, nor living near Your child. The family court's duty is towards what they believe is BEST for the Child, and not what either of the parents wish for the child, as such. And the normal starting point is that both parents should be part of the childs life.

Generally speaking they tend towards 50/50 in terms of custody, but in the case of absent parents, or parents that have severe difficulty agreeing with each other in terms of the child, they will move to 100% custody for 1 parent. (and whilst Sweden has general equality, court statistics clearly show a majority of decisions go in favour of the mother)

Custody in Sweden is about decision making with respect to the child, nothing to do with rights of visit or where/who the child lives with etc.. . In many respects the Social Worker was correct about it being more difficult with 50/50 and You not being here in Sweden, since there are many documents, school papers etc..., that from time to time would need your signature also, though it should be manageable.

Get a lawyer, and make the case for the family court.

BTW: Since the child does not live with You at all, You are also liable to pay Child Maintenance.

[skogsbo]

I should just add to the great reply above, that being recognised as the child's parent and their carer/guardian are 2 independent things in Sweden. Whilst being both adds slightly it is kind of critical, as mentioned early it does mean that you need to sign some forms from places like dagis twice, but without this recognition I think it's impossible to transfer things like parental leave to each other and when you take your child to the doctors they might ask for your ID to tie them to you, collect prescriptions etc..

Ours were born in the UK, but we registered them in Sweden and got personal numbers shortly after they were born, however, don't even trust the system then, as I was only the guardian for 1 for out 2 kids and the consulate or skatteverket must have goofed somewhere because our little lad had a girl's personal number for the first 4 years of his life (girls and boys are number odd or even last digit) and we didn't find out until we had been here a few months.

So good luck to the OP and for others; presume nothing, always check.

[John.Smith]

Mmm, difficult one. Your ex will battle this all the way as from her perspective she will be the one raising the child on a daily basis. Your child will be raised as Swedish while you live in the US.

You have several options:

1. Move back to the US and apply for custody in terms of holiday visit rights etc.. Apply via the US courts, there is an agreement between the 2 countries for this sort of thing.
2. Apply here in Sweden for same but via Swedish courts. This may be cheaper and less drawn out in my opinion but I do not know if you need to be a resident here for this process to work?
3. Apply for 50-50 custody, but you would need to be resident here for this to work. This is very feasible and there are standard processes in place to support you. However it would mean you residing here permanently.
4. Have no legal guardianship rights but try to make an agreement with your ex to allow visits etc...

Start with number 4 with a longer term view to make the arrangment 'legal' once you two can create some form of trusting working relationship.

Sorry for your troubles

[Darwinder]

Very tough one man, just wanted to send a note saying I feel for you and hope for the best. Being objective and not knowing exactly the troubles you and your misses have gone through all I can say is that if its possible that you two can sit down after a month or two with a clear head and try to hash some things out. There needs to be some give and take, but going through the courts is going to create more hard feelings and bad will, you both need to face that you are going to by tied together for the rest of your lives through your little one and maybe when some of the hurt feelings subside you guys can sit down as adults and try to figure a situation that will work for both of you in as an objective way as possible that will create a safe and loving childhood for your kid. Really good wishes and best of luck in the future my man.

[sometimesinsweden]

Hello mate - I went through something similar a few years back, so here's what I experienced and my opinions from it.

You will not get 50/50 custody if you are in the US. The reason for this has been mentioned by previous posters - the Swedish Family Court will see it that it is essential that your ex-/child's mother has 100% sole parent custody so that if anything happens to your child, she won't need to get your permission, which could be difficult with you several thousand miles away. Also, that because of your location, it will take too long to get signatures etc. It might seem ridiculous in the modern age of communication, but your ex's legal counsel will spin this and the court will always come down on the side of the Swedish parent (if she is fit and proper etc).

HOWEVER, this concentration on the child's welfare works both ways. Unless you have history of violence or neglect, your ex cannot deny you parental access to your child and the court will see it essential that you are granted regular, set access. Your ex- cannot stop this without good reason and has to go to court to do this. If she breaks this without good reason, she can potentially lose the sole parent custody. If access is a problem that you can't agree, you need a Swedish lawyer who will hash out some set dates with her/her lawyer that if you can't agree on, you'll go to court to resolve.

I wouldn't get too hung up about the sole parent custody definition thing - it's almost a purely administrative thing. Your ex- can't take your child to live abroad once you have your access rights and dates sorted as it would break these obviously and then she would be in disregard of the Swedish legal process - if she moves abroad and breaks access with her child's father, the Swedish Courts will act in your favour. This may seem harsh to her if she's a wandering soul, but then this is the responsibility that comes with having a child and tough shit. Swedish family law sees that a child has the right to see their father and so access is a priority.

Get a lawyer to fire off a fair letter to start with and see what happens.

[Yorkshireman]

Your ex- can't take your child to live abroad once you have your access rights and dates sorted as it would break these obviously and then she would be in disregard of the ... (show full quote)

Your ex- can't take your child to live abroad once you have your access rights and dates sorted as it would break these obviously and then she would be in disregard of the Swedish legal process - if she moves abroad and breaks access with her child's father, the Swedish Courts will act in your favour. ... (hide full quote)

Don't want to put a damper on the positives, but this is actually not true!

Even within Sweden it is a growing problem, especially recognised by groups that support Fathers, that in seperation cases, there is a trend that the Mothers find a new partner in a different part of Sweden and move to that location taking the child with them, even when they have joint custody.

What happens then is that it takes so long to get the case heard in the family court, whilst it is recognised that the Mother has done wrong, the judgement often states that since the child has now been established in a new location, new school, new friends etc... that it is in the interest of the child that it remains in that new location with the Mother.

(Sorry to Mum's, not meant to be sexist, but court cases/statistics show that this is in the majority of cases the mum's)

However, if You can get 50/50 custody then it would require both parents signature to get the passports, making it less likely to hop country.

As said earlier, visitation rights etc... are not normally enforced by the family court, they are only really considering custody in terms of decision making on behalf of the child. All other items have to be negotiated and handled by agreement between both partners, and often in difficult cases with Social Worker as a mediator. The parents have to have an extremely good case to remove visitation rights.

Note: 1 way a partner can argue for 100% custody (and living rights) is by arguing that maintenance is not paid. That shows You do not care to pay even the financial side of raising Your child.

[sometimesinsweden]

Just in response to another poster's point that going to Court will inflame the situation..

I found the opposite. Swedish Family Court is very informal, compared to the UK. We were sat round a table with a judge who was very personable and encouraged compromise. Once it was all agreed, my ex- and I have been getting on a lot better as it's all set in paper, pre-agreed, and so there's no question for debate or argument, and as it's regular, we can both set our jobs and time off around it well in advance.

The danger of waiting a month, appealing to her good side etc. is that in a year, your relationship could break down again and you'll be in the same situation, essentially going through what you been through now, twice. Easier to get it sorted ASAP in my opinion - I let it drift for far too long before getting legal advice.

[sometimesinsweden]

Don't want to put a damper on the positives, but this is actually not true! Even within Sweden it is a growing problem, especially recognised by groups that support Fa ... (show full quote)

Don't want to put a damper on the positives, but this is actually not true!

Even within Sweden it is a growing problem, especially recognised by groups that support Fathers, that in seperation cases, there is a trend that the Mothers find a new partner in a different part of Sweden and move to that location taking the child with them, even when they have joint custody.

What happens then is that it takes so long to get the case heard in the family court, whilst it is recognised that the Mother has done wrong, the judgement often states that since the child has now been established in a new location, new school, new friends etc... that it is in the interest of the child that it remains in that new location with the Mother.

(Sorry to Mum's, not meant to be sexist, but court cases/statistics show that this is in the majority of cases the mum's)

However, if You can get 50/50 custody then it would require both parents signature to get the passports, making it less likely to hop country.

As said earlier, visitation rights etc... are not normally enforced by the family court, they are only really considering custody in terms of decision making on behalf of the child. All other items have to be negotiated and handled by agreement between both partners, and often in difficult cases with Social Worker as a mediator. The parents have to have an extremely good case to remove visitation rights.

Note: 1 way a partner can argue for 100% custody (and living rights) is by arguing that maintenance is not paid. That shows You do not care to pay even the financial side of raising Your child.
... (hide full quote)

Oh ok, well I was responding to what I interpreted as the original poster stating that his ex- may move out of Sweden to a foreign country - which is NOT accepted by Swedish Family Court. If she does this without prior permission and disrupts access etc, the courts will award joint custody. Regarding moving within Sweden, realistically, this can't be stopped due to jobs/new relationship etc. and is tough. You can't make a single parent live in the same town until her child is 18 - it's unfair and not realistic.

[Yorkshireman]

Oh ok, well I was responding to what I interpreted as the original poster stating that his ex- may move out of Sweden to a foreign country - which is NOT accepted by Swedish Family Court...

I agree it isn't reasonable to expect a parent to stay in a single location until the child is 18. However, the point is that even with 50/50 custody, it doesn't always give what You would expect. Custody = decision making with regards the child. One would expect that the parent moving would have to have agreed the move beforehand in cases of 50/50, but the reality is one parent can move, and the time it takes for the case to be heard with regards the breach of 50/50 decision making, the parent and child have settled in their new location, so more-often-then-not the court decides that in the interest of the child it stays where it is.

In this case here, one parent has 100% right to make decisions about the child, and that includes where and with whom it will live. If the parent decides to move outside of Sweden, the poor parent that does not have custody has little to do but challenge the decision in court by means of custody request, unfortuntaly again, I reather suspect that the time it would take to be heard, the child would be settled in it's new location, and likely that the decision would be to stay there. This is even more highly likely since the OP does not live in Sweden in the 1st place, and that even with 0% custody there is no agreement between parties that specifically state the parent with 100% custody cannot move out of Sweden.

On the otherside, there are cases won in court by parents where they had 0% custody, and the other parent moved abroad. The basis of those arguments to win were ... even though they had little/no contact with the child, that does not mean it will always be so, but moving the child from Sweden prevents that from being a reality ... OP you could argue that whilst you are in the USA that is not a permanent solution, and sadly this means less contact with your child for the immediate future, however the intention/plan is to move to Sweden and establish true contact as a parent. It is possible in this case that if the mother tries to move abroad, you can be awarded by the court 50/50 custody