• Sweden edition
 
The comments below have not been moderated in advance and are not produced by The Local unless clearly stated.
Readers are responsible for the content of their own comments. Comments that breach our terms and conditions will be removed.
2 Pages V  < 1 2   Reply to this topic

Step child's manners

How to deal with child who doesnt respect you

olga118
post 24.Jan.2013, 04:30 PM
Post #16
Joined: 27.Jan.2012

It is your HUSBAND who must change the behavior, not you.
You are not the child's parent.
If the child is acting out in a way that bothers you that much and your husband is not addressing that behavior then the problem is, indeed, between you and your husband.
I find it hard to believe that the child didn't sleep with his father because his current behavior would indicate that was the norm before you entered the picture.
It is normal for there to be an adjustment period but if you and your husband don't present a united front you are in for big trouble down the road.
You asked people for suggestions...I suggest you take some of them.
Go to the top of the page
+
jostein
post 24.Jan.2013, 08:27 PM
Post #17
Joined: 22.Mar.2011

Like master, like dog. Why stay with a man that placates rather than leads? That neither impose rules nor enforce order? That blames the woman for what he should have done himself?
Oh, no matter. To me its a joy to read liberals that reap what they sow smile.gif Thanx for sharing!
Go to the top of the page
+
k2kats
post 24.Jan.2013, 11:39 PM
Post #18
Joined: 4.Sep.2011

Bravo to your perseverance during a very trying time!

There have been a few great comments here. Bottom line? How lucky that, since you and your husband want to have children and parent together, you already have a soul who craves love! Who cares how he got here? He's yours too now. It sounds like this 12 year old is scared and overwhelmed by all the changes. Smart kid!

In my humble experience, children this age and in these circumstances secretly thrive on family structure, love helping establish new traditions, and want to be leaders, not followers, hangers-on, or interveners. They just don't know how and would rather get in trouble than admit they crave the security that love and structure provide.

If you haven't already, it might be helpful to sit down with your husband and write 9 Rules of the House (for everyone). During the first morning of the boy's next visit, hold a family meeting, post the rules and review them. Ask him to think about 3 more house rules that might make sense and write them down that weekend. Have another family meeting before he leaves for his Mom's to discuss his ideas and negotiate them. In other words, help him begin to understand his role in your new family and teach him how to be a valuable contributing member.

Please continue to be persistent. Remember that when he tests these limits (and he will, over and over again at first!), he's really testing you're love. Show him you can be trusted to love him even when he's difficult, and set consistent limits, stick to them, and explain why. For example, "We love you enough to set limits that will help you become the best you can be, so that you can grow up strong, confident, and able to help others." (or whatever values best represent your family).

Of course, you and your husband need each others' full support. (Agree to disagree in private. Keep communicating with each other. Don't let the young man succeed at playing one of you against the other.) Your role will be overwhelming and exhausting at times, but the rewards are boundless and oh-so sweet!

Good luck!
Go to the top of the page
+
jostein
post 25.Jan.2013, 12:02 AM
Post #19
Joined: 22.Mar.2011

QUOTE (k2kats @ 24.Jan.2013, 10:39 PM) *
.... Please continue to be persistent. Remember that when he tests these limits (and he will, over and over again at first!), he's really testing you're love. . ...

But she is the bleeeding stepmother??!?!?!! How could she possibly love this brat? Even tolerance sounds like a challenge? Love aint upbringing, its simply a given that normal kids take as a given if you dont screw with them to much? And that normal parents feel as a background noice. I mean, they are not women that need to be told that you love them every second sentence?
Go to the top of the page
+
jostein
post 25.Jan.2013, 07:46 AM
Post #20
Joined: 22.Mar.2011

Sorry for the over the top tone in post #19, and if i took your qoute out of context. I asked the admin to remove it.
Go to the top of the page
+
k2kats
post 25.Jan.2013, 07:56 PM
Post #21
Joined: 4.Sep.2011

carl785: I just discovered that I had missed one of your follow-up posts. My apologies. Sounds like you're taking all the right steps for both your boys (the little one and the big one). It's one thing to discuss major behavioural issues with your husband before disciplining a step-child, but its not feasible on an ongoing basis. Once you two are more confident in your roles as equal child-rearing partners, your step-son will learn what to expect.

Jostein: Thanks for the after thought. Just a few thoughts in case you pass by this way again...

* How can a step-mother love her husband's child? What self respecting spouse could not, especially when it's so clear that the child is acting out because he's scared?

* Children are not miniature adults; they have special needs. Children who know they are loved (i.e. who receive the acceptance and understanding that we all crave) have the most important tools to help them succeed with childhood's developmental tasks and become responsible loving adults.

* Children confronted with loss of proximity and/or intimacy with a parent need repeated assurance that it's safe to trust someone new who is now labeled as a family member.

* As for your perception that telling someone they are loved is a burden... have you ever tired of hearing those words directed towards you?
Go to the top of the page
+
intrepidfox
post 25.Jan.2013, 08:00 PM
Post #22
Location: Gothenburg
Joined: 18.Jul.2012

QUOTE (k2kats @ 25.Jan.2013, 07:56 PM) *
* How can a step-mother love her husband's child? What self respecting spouse could not, especially when it's so clear that the child is acting out because he's scared?

I have 3 step kids and they are great.
Go to the top of the page
+
carl785
post 27.Jan.2013, 05:26 PM
Post #23
Joined: 23.Jan.2013

QUOTE (jostein @ 24.Jan.2013, 08:27 PM) *
Like master, like dog. Why stay with a man that placates rather than leads? That neither impose rules nor enforce order? That blames the woman for what he should have done him ... (show full quote)

QUOTE (k2kats @ 24.Jan.2013, 11:39 PM) *
My husband isn't a dictator. He likes to discuss things and values my imput. It's fact that the child's mother doesn't teach her son how to behave probably.Bra ... (show full quote)

Thank you for your suggestions and advice. I'm new to this situation and I'm taking all the necessary steps to make it easy for all of us and learn what works and what not.

QUOTE (jostein @ 25.Jan.2013, 12:02 AM) *
But she is the bleeeding stepmother??!?!?!! How could she possibly love this brat? Even tolerance sounds like a challenge? Love aint upbringing, its simply a g ... (show full quote)

The problem isnt about loving him or not. It's more like how to deal with his behaviour and how to approach it. Love and respect has to do with upbringing. Children need guidence, they need to learn how to love, respect, understanding and good behaviour. This comes from their enviornment (home) and their parents' imput.
Go to the top of the page
+

2 Pages V  < 1 2
Reply to this topic
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

 

718
jobs available
Swedish Down Town Consulting & Productions
Swedish Down Town Consulting & Productions is an innovative business company which provides valuable assistance with the Swedish Authorities, Swedish language practice and general communications. Call 073-100 47 81 or visit:
www.swedishdowntown.com