(edit title) Common misconception or just being rude? Does this happen to you? Options

[Craptastical]

Haha! So there's no need to use any other furniture polish on them. That should save you some $$

[Streja]

Wweird, the same thing happens to me with my inlaws. They're British and never really travelled. Tesco's is the only trip once a week.

[Swedeman]

Some of you guys seem to have a hard time here in Sweden. That actually makes me feel good.

[Brunette Babe 5]

It has never happened to me!

[VargasGray]

Maybe I can pitch in for you about this obsessive, repeated with regulars intervals, mindfulness about the weather actually means.

First of all if there's anything you need to know about us Swedes is that we are damn awkward doing small talks and is terrible at it too. We generally don't mind it but we rather don't do it because of the waste it really is - why not talk about something more serious or just drop hard-to-decode sarcastic jokes without the proper facial expressions? We love it so because it keeps our minds working. Really, we crack everything from blunt in-your-face-jokes to difficult-to-understand-jokes, also sometimes because of our self awareness in regards to our behaviourisms and stereotypical Swedishness.

We complain readily about ourselves and our Swedish ways. We hate it that we're stiff and awkward but we don't like to be forced to be social, that's a no-no to force a Swede being social; silence is fine too for us, just as a good honest heart-to-hearth talk. We don't want to rude but ends up being rude because of our silence and timidness to strangers: we're being perceived as cold and racist when we're not.

We are rather pragmatic and effective - then sophisticated and socially smooth. We value autonomy from others and by others and compensates that obsessive trait with out welfare state, to some extent, and a willingness to help out if asked of. To help someone when it's apparent that that person needs some help is something to valued but in later times, the last 20-30 years, we've lost that trait it seems because of fear of strangers being too pushy with their ways and too aggressive for no apparent reasons. Shortly we stay out of trouble nowadays because of the increased risk in being kicked, shot or knifed to death by criminal gangs of teenagers from the suburbs, sadly in suburbs with a high density of immigrants. But that's a failure of our society and as a people not being able to, basically, say "hi" to them.

Also: we are an old warrior nation that's been warring for over 1000 years, first as a people and latter as a nation, with harsh environments and a shifting weather. Weather matters to us because of our common history, we've always obsessed about the general state of the weather because it effected us so much before and that is virtually engraved into our minds by the older generations. It's a very common traits if you look it up amongst peoples in cold climates or climates with fast shifting weather.

But nowadays the true reason why we bla bla about weather is because we're trying to make small talk.

We're honestly trying to say "hi" to you and we try also to open up so we can learn about you or we do this for your sake, not for ours because of our lack of interest in small talk. Let me retake that again:

We're

also

doing

it

for

your

sake

Because we believe it will ease your stay with us, your interaction with us but it usually ends up being odd, obsessive and dull. I know we Swedes are a difficult people to interact with because of our so blunt behaviour towards each others and towards others. Like the fact that we sometimes don't mention the loss of a object someone might of caused us by being clumsy or the like. It's usually because we don't want to make a big deal of it and also we don't want the person, whom caused the accident, to feel like a total jackass or a bad person. We're quite concerned with others feelings and causing damages is very shameful, fearful and, of course, stressful for us, so we tend to minimize those negative feelings by ignoring the issue or playing it down. This is also a historical trait passed down to us by our wiking ancestors because a peaceful co-existence with our neighbours is more important then hostilities. In fact was one of the very foundations that our society's survival depended upon because of the harsh environment and many enemies.

Okey, I'm going to end it here because I believe it's quite enough for now.

Good luck to you all.

[jack sprat]

An interesting, honest and thoughtful post,... likewise on the other thread.

[gplusa]

I appreciate that about Swedes. When they speak, it's because they have something to say. Nothing worse than being drawn into a meaningless natter session about something that you're not interested in, being delivered by someone who's pretending that they are interested. You don't care about the weather, and you care even less about how I am. You know it, and I know it. So don't insult my intelligence by pretending that you do by asking. I've got better stuff to do.

[Saram]

QFE, you hit the nail on the head Cogito!

I BINGO THAT.
Good thing you didn't experience the slow and loud enunciation, to make you understand.. or did you ö_0

[VargasGray]

Well... we did care about the weather and actually, amazingly enough, we still do because of how it effects us. Another reason why we mention about the weather, obsess about it, are also because we, when in someone's company, might feel uneasy with nothing but silence. It feels like we must say something or else we might offend the person we're with, also we feel uneasy overall when being in the company of somebody that acts like talk must happen or else.

And if anyone gets in our face, as in trying to stand right in front of you always, we feel like the person is being pushy and rude. You turn to look at something and that person takes two steps and positioning himself/herself right in your face. Rude.

This happens usually with foreigners that acts like they're actually demanding a talk, demanding to be acknowledged - that obsessive small talk that is just impolite. Some foreigners I've meet either act in two general ways: talk endlessly or act smug and walks away. Those with common sense takes it easy and at least tries to feel the social pulse of the Swedes in general. Why not just talking about a event that occurred of you want to know a Swede?

I want to share a little story, a family story about being a foreigner in another nation, this is about my aunt. I do want to share this to make a point about honest and polite. A few years ago my aunt lived and worked in USA for three years and she loved it - in the beginning. It was new and it was refreshing with the laid back attitude and easy-going ways when socializing. There where some things that she had a difficulty adjusting to of course. American children didn't use fork and knife which was a annoyance to her because of the mess it made, after the first dinner she promptly placed cutlery upon the plates and asked nicely if they would try to learn how to use them. They did but not without some complaints.

Anyhow the first months where just great but later when she were getting acclimatized she noticed that there was loads of superficial behaviours, that later would get her ticked. One example of this is when an American asks "are you good today" or "well come on over and have a dinner someday" but she learnt to read their expressions and learnt quite quickly that they where just trading empty pleasantries. They were even so rude sometimes that when she was about to answer them they promptly cut her off and if not they surely rushed her answers. There was no dinners at any Americans home but a lot of in her home, always bringing their children with without asking.

In Sweden one might say "Oh, why not having a dinner someday" and even though it might not happen right away we will usually do it. As how our neighbours sometimes comes over and asks if we can eat together.

Anyhow. My aunt did experience a lot of pushing down on her of some quite patriotic peoples that couldn't care a thing about other nations and their peoples. Complaints about Americans being so physical, touching and putting hands on ones shoulder and whatnot, which is another big no-no if you're not good friends.

The list is longer but you understand my point, do you?

So whilst we might talk about the weather we still do it for more then one simple reason and wait for the reaction.

[libertarianism]

Regarding the inlaws and perhaps the mother-in-law in particular, maybe you could try to steer the conversation away from travel? Can you ask for a favorite recipe she's cooked or ask about family history or stories of your fiance from when he was young? Something more domestic and personal than travel? Advice for hanging wallpaper. Where to get the best whathaveyou? Make her favorite cookies... I don't know. Domestic-related conversations might be less interesting but maybe they're more low pressure and intimate also, if that makes sense. You should probably listen to what Swedish posters advise though. I guess you don't want to bombard someone with questions either...

My ex-mother-in-law (not Swedish) drove me nuts cause she talked ALL the time... I often appreciate the quietness of Sweden, though in small towns, I can't not smile at people sometimes. They'll just have to think I'm crazy. It just feels so wrong to me not to smile at someone...

[libertarianism]

Well, based on the posts immediately above my last, I guess I was way off... Perhaps I'm one of the foreigners who talks too much... It's hard. From my cultural perspective, silence is for strangers and people you know well. Small talk is for people in between, like a bridge. Otherwise, it implies you want to remain strangers. ...But got it. In Sweden, no talking! No smiling!

Regarding the dinner thing, at least in some areas of the US, only close, close friends are invited to your home. It's been very, very difficult for me to adjust to that in Sweden. From my background, home is for family and super close friends only. Otherwise, you go out and meet people out somewhere. Home though is more of a private, sacred domain. If people showed up for the aunt's invitation, it could have just been that it would have been really rude to say no to someone who invited you into their personal domain.

[texaslass]

That is a good point about the "personal domain" in the States. This is true. Most folks go out for dinner and drinks to a restaurant or bar with friends. If dinner is served at home rather than in a restaurant it is either for close friends and family or a special occasion like a birthday celebration. And even at that- caterers are usually hired.

Americans would rather spend their time chatting and relaxing with friends than cooking and cleaning. Something that makes me uncomfortable sometimes, is when the hostess is slaving away in the kitchen and the guests are eating and drinking- it just seems so wrong. I always offer to help cook and clean, but oftentimes I feel like, 'hell, can't we go to a restaurant and just enjoy life!"

[texaslass]

About the inlaws: I think that if all they talk about is Sweden, then they may not know so much about the world outside Sweden. They discuss what they know, which makes sense. Also, it may be a matter of patriotism or state pride, and they want to 'convince' you (and also themselves) into thinking that Sweden is a great place to live. My mother does this all the time with Texas. Although my mother has travelled and finds many places to be nice, she has never lived outside Texas, and cannot imagine living outside Texas. Moving outside Texas would involve moving outside her comfort zone. So, honestly I think all her "'Texas is best' propaganda" is a way to convince others and herself (to legitimize her life experience) that the place she has chosen to live is indeed a good place.

You will find people who engage in this tribalism (my tribe is best) the world over. It is a way of legitimizing our experiences.

[chazza]

Well... we did care about the weather and actually, amazingly enough, we still do because of how it effects us. Another reason why we mention about the weather, obsess about i ... (show full quote)

Well... we did care about the weather and actually, amazingly enough, we still do because of how it effects us. Another reason why we mention about the weather, obsess about it, are also because we, when in someone's company, might feel uneasy with nothing but silence. It feels like we must say something or else we might offend the person we're with, also we feel uneasy overall when being in the company of somebody that acts like talk must happen or else.

And if anyone gets in our face, as in trying to stand right in front of you always, we feel like the person is being pushy and rude. You turn to look at something and that person takes two steps and positioning himself/herself right in your face. Rude.

This happens usually with foreigners that acts like they're actually demanding a talk, demanding to be acknowledged - that obsessive small talk that is just impolite. Some foreigners I've meet either act in two general ways: talk endlessly or act smug and walks away. Those with common sense takes it easy and at least tries to feel the social pulse of the Swedes in general. Why not just talking about a event that occurred of you want to know a Swede?

I want to share a little story, a family story about being a foreigner in another nation, this is about my aunt. I do want to share this to make a point about honest and polite. A few years ago my aunt lived and worked in USA for three years and she loved it - in the beginning. It was new and it was refreshing with the laid back attitude and easy-going ways when socializing. There where some things that she had a difficulty adjusting to of course. American children didn't use fork and knife which was a annoyance to her because of the mess it made, after the first dinner she promptly placed cutlery upon the plates and asked nicely if they would try to learn how to use them. They did but not without some complaints.

Anyhow the first months where just great but later when she were getting acclimatized she noticed that there was loads of superficial behaviours, that later would get her ticked. One example of this is when an American asks "are you good today" or "well come on over and have a dinner someday" but she learnt to read their expressions and learnt quite quickly that they where just trading empty pleasantries. They were even so rude sometimes that when she was about to answer them they promptly cut her off and if not they surely rushed her answers. There was no dinners at any Americans home but a lot of in her home, always bringing their children with without asking.

In Sweden one might say "Oh, why not having a dinner someday" and even though it might not happen right away we will usually do it. As how our neighbours sometimes comes over and asks if we can eat together.

Anyhow. My aunt did experience a lot of pushing down on her of some quite patriotic peoples that couldn't care a thing about other nations and their peoples. Complaints about Americans being so physical, touching and putting hands on ones shoulder and whatnot, which is another big no-no if you're not good friends.

The list is longer but you understand my point, do you?

So whilst we might talk about the weather we still do it for more then one simple reason and wait for the reaction. ... (hide full quote)

Brilliant post VargasGray

[Willy]

I'd say the "my home is sacred" view is rather close to the Swedish one, too. Which is why the "you should come over for dinner" is interpreted as there being a close friendship emerging. And hence the disappointment when it turns out just to be an empty phrase.