(edit title) Losing a parent - grieving what is normal? Nothing related to Sweden - sorry! Options

[huckleberry]

No we don't... speak for your self pal.. I only feel sorry for people not being able to accept death as something normal in life.

What a sad, self serving sack of shit you must be

[Duron1]

hi Sneal
got your message but don't know how to reply
my email is hpf38@shaw.ca
thank you duron1
Helen

[ricenbeans]

about ten years ago, i had two friends take their lives within six months. I still think about them, but in a good way with fond memories. it really crushed me for a while, but at some point (at least a year after, probably more like two) it sort of turned into a kind of optimism. i saw how easy it is to take/lose a life and figured i should try to enjoy every day of my life.
Nietzsche has a great quote: ''The certain prospect of death could sweeten every life with a precious and fragrant drop of levity- and now you strange apothecary souls have turned it into an ill-tasting drop of poison that makes the whole of life repulsive''.

to queenS, of course death is a normal part of life; it is the crowning achievement of your life, the cherry on the cake, the last brushstroke on a work of art, but that does not mean that being sad when loved ones go is wrong. I think it is an honor to die (a long time from now, in my case), but god damnit if the people who love you dont miss you and arent quite sad about it, then you probably spent your life with the wrong folks, and if you dont miss them, i'm sure they think the same about you...

[Lysanne Sizoo]

Dear Sneal,

I am so sorry for your loss. Suicide complicates things even more, I know, because my aunt took her life only a few months ago, and I can see how my cousin struggles with her own feelings of disappointment, anger, and also shame.

I lost my own parents young, and if there's one thing I've learned, is to throw all expectation of how one 'ought' to be grieving out of the window, and just 'be' with what your feeling, moment to moment, day to day. Two months is still such a short time, and the psyche has a way of putting a big fat cotton wrapping around the grief to help us cope through the day. About now this cotton wrapping will be loosening somewhat, and bit and pieces of grief can suddenly coming streaming out, only for the numbness to set in again. That's our emotional system's way of protecting itself.

Dreaming of your mum might be a way of keeping her with you just a little longer, or maybe you still have so much to ask her, especially about the way she decided to end her life, and you are creating the chance to do so. See if you can decide the night before you go to sleep what it is you would want to ask her.

I STILL think of my mum and dad on an almost daily basis, and they've been gone for 17 and 12 years respectively. Sometimes it's like a chat, wondering what they would think about what I am up to these days, sometimes it hurts, and sometimes I tell them to buzz off :-)

The hardest thing is the way other people deal with your grief and how you feel you need to 'protect' them from your own grief. At least, I know I did. I used to practise saying 'my mum is dead' - just to get used to saying it.

There have been so may responses on this board so I really hope you have found some comfort in that. Life throws us some real curve balls from time to time. So try to be gentle with yourself for now, and give yourself heaps of time to come to terms with what has happened. I don't think 'getting over it' is the goal, but 'getting used to it' and giving it a place in your heart is certainly doable.

All my love,
Lysanne

[sarah02]

so sorry for your loss Sneal. i lost two auntie ( my mother's aunties but still like ones to me) in 2004 and 2006 due to breast cancer. i have nice child memories with both of them in their houses and playing in their backyards with my cousines. sometimes i wish time can go back to spend more time with them and talk to them and be there for them but i was to young and i didn't know what to do. in your case it was sudden so i can't imagine how hard must that be for you. again i am so sorry.
take care

[mikewhite]

Grieving - what is it all about ?

My dad died in 2006 a short while after contracting an infection following a "successful" operation. It was my first close family death.

For the first couple of weeks, the thoughts would distract me at all times, when I was at work, there when I went to bed, and on waking up there would be a few seconds of "normality" before the reality would pop back into my thoughts. My throat would tighten when I had to tell someone else the news.

It actually lasted several weeks I think: having the funeral as a focus seemed to relieve things afterwards to a certain extent. But that painful reality adjustment still occurred on waking up.

Then one day (with hindsight) I noticed that it hadn't. And I didn't feel bad about it, because I knew he wouldn't have wanted us to think about him with pain. And I started instead, to think he would have found a certain thing amusing, or would have made one of his comments in response to some event.

I could still go back to the painful feelings if I wanted to, but they served no purpose, and I felt that I had enough of him in my thoughts to make me laugh or think carefully, or consider how he would have reacted.

So I guess that's what people mean by "coming to terms with things".

But I also think that the grieving, which is ever-present in the first few weeks, does serve a purpose, in that you are convincing yourself that it's really happened, that you did all you could do, and that that was good enough for anyone. Your thoughts are exploring every possibility that it may not be so, but eventually you have tried everything, and you come to some kind of acceptance. And it's the right thing to do for everyone's sake, you are not letting them down.

Hope this helps in some small way.

[Scots]

I lost my mother 24 years ago and I still am not over it, I miss her everyday, cry very often and have a hole inside of me that I cant fill so it depends on the person but on me, it kinda ruined my life

I was 12, now 36 and nothing has helped me, therapies failed, part of me died when she left so it really depends ... everyone is different

[mikewhite]

I think it's because you lost her when you were still a child, Scots, and she was not there to care for you as you grew into an adult and on more equal terms. That must have been very hard for you.

[Mib]

I'm truly sorry to hear of your Mum passing away in such cirmcumstances. Someone once said that losing a person very close to you is when you truly become an adult. Having moved to Sweden, it has made me appreciate my family even more and I dread the day I get that phone call. I think more about it now that I live in another country, especially as my parents are the only family in the UK.

My Wife lost a good friend to suicide 18 months ago and it was totally unexpected. We had seen her friend a few months earlier and she was makng all these plans to go to weddings etc and then my Wife received the devastating news. She felt guilty that she hadn't called sooner or had noticed that she was so depressed as to take her life. In hinesight, there is very little you can do or could have done. Whatever you think, it is not your fault.

My question is what is normal in dealing with such a situation? Everyone has their way of dealing with it, but it seems that grieving is the best way to deal with the situation and to not hold it back or fight it. I'm sure my view or opinion will change or not when I become an adult as I described above. Only time will heal the shock, but keeping busy and having good friends and loved ones around you will help you find a way through it. As with any traumatic experience, it is probably good to talk face to face with people who have gone through a similar situation as that will probably help to lift the emotional burden that you may feel. Someone who understands your situation through personal experience would be 100 times better than a counsellor, which is my personal opinion. Hopefully, someone on here can recommend a group in Sweden that have meetings to meet other people in a similar situation.

Sweden can feel a bit isolating sometimes, but there are plenty of good people on here and elsewhere who will help you if needed. The best of luck in this difficult time. Take Care!

[ChocOwl]

I found the book Motherless daughters really helpful, there is also one called Motherless mothers.
Not sure if you are a son or a daughter, Sneal, but I think the book is worth a look in any case. My mother died of illness 14 years ago, she in turn had also lost her mother relatively early and had read the book too. I sort of inherited it.
Motherless daughters at bokus
Warm wishes
Tania

[Scots]

I think it's because you lost her when you were still a child, Scots, and she was not there to care for you as you grew into an adult and on more equal terms. That must ha ... (show full quote)

I think it's because you lost her when you were still a child, Scots, and she was not there to care for you as you grew into an adult and on more equal terms. That must have been very hard for you. ... (hide full quote)

@ Mikewhite: thanks for your answer

It was indeed very hard, as if losing my mum wasnt bad enough, my dad remarried a year after with someone who never accepted me and made me eat out of date foods, wear old clothing with holes in and my dad being weak and say nothing to help me, I wouldnt wish all this on my worse enemy...now I grew up with lots of anger constantly, a feeling of injustice that I can not stand and its a miracle that I never killed myself, thought about it many times but mever had the courage...

Wonder why now I barely talk to my father??!! ;-) Now he has regrets, bit late isnt it?! Damage is done, losing my mum and my dads behaviour screwed me up, thanks life, to live like this, I'd rather have never been born...

[Scots]

No we don't... speak for your self pal.. I only feel sorry for people not being able to accept death as something normal in life.

How nasty!!! Have some compassion for fuck sake!!!!!! Do you have a heart and a soul????

When I think good people are dying out there and people like you are still alive, how unfair!!!!!

Hope karma comes to bite you in the ass "pal"

How disrespectful, I actually pity you, you must be a very sad person for being so selfsih and heartless!!!

Either you never lost anyone you really loved or you did and it made you like this, either way, go see a shrink cos you are sick!

[frolixer]

We are funny things aren't we? Being aware - conscious - does seem a double edged sword. On the one hand, walks, kisses, great comedy, snowball fights and chats by a fire - on the other the propensity to morph love of a person into grief upon their death. My dad died in 2008, my mum the exact day a year later. I like to see myself as a rational being - in fact I get too rational by way of compensation sometimes - but my ratioanlity didn't serve in this one. And the bits of me that did try and serve - the emotions, fragmented memories, outburts of irrelevant pique - just didn't seem up to the job of coping very well. But it changes. It does. And, in fact, those bits of you are contributing something.

The dreams, the half dialled numbers and face-down photos - it is all a part of it. I'm learning to trust those bits of me that I'm not in control of to start doing their thing - because actually, it does work after a while. The dreams become less intense - or rather you don't feel as freaky when you wake up. You dial just a couple of numbers before you smile instead of shaking your head and having a weep. And you do put the photo back up and remember something wonderful not the moment you heard of their death or a row you never resolved. So, there is light. And what you're feeling is ok. Normal. More than ok - you need to go through it because otherwise - - well otherwise you miss out on a genuinely awful, but truly human experience.

Think about the good bits...

[damaros]

Sneal, so very sorry for your loss.

My sister passed on in 2000. I still cry every now and then. I am now far away from where we buried her but thanks to GoneTooSoon I have a 'virtual grave' where I post messages, poems and light candle for her as long as I have my laptop and connection. Also visiting sites of the other lovely angels with her on the same Gone Too Soon has helped me to cope. There are lots and lots of good people there to chat with. Do join them, trust me you will feel that it is normal to grieve.

http://www.gonetoosoon.org/
GoneTooSoon enables anyone to create a free online tribute for a much loved relative or friend who has passed away.

[Loeske17]

@frolixer: beautiful words.

Dear sneal,

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. The manner in which she passed certainly can prolong the grieving process also.

I have never lost anyone that close and so (luckily) can't speak from personal experience, but I have alot of patients going through something similar. Most importantly know that, as several people here have said, every individual grieves in different ways. Your grieving process is entirely different than someone else's and what worked for them may not work for you.

What I would say though, generally speaking, is try not to push it away, for it will not dissapear and likely resurface later in life. You're going to have to go through this at some point, I'm afraid . As several people have also said: "normal" doesn't really apply to grieving. Don't look up on the internet what is normal. Whatever you find is most likely only going to make you feel worse/guilty/"abnormal".

Please don't look at going to get counselling as a thing to do when you've "used up" your time to grieve. It may help. So may attending a support group, where you can talk about how you feel but also just hear the experiences of others that may have gone through the same thing. Find what works for you but never be ashamed or afraid to ask for help.

Though all this is only my opinion, I hope it may help in some small way. My heart goes out to you!