• Sweden edition
 
The comments below have not been moderated in advance and are not produced by The Local unless clearly stated.
Readers are responsible for the content of their own comments. Comments that breach our terms and conditions will be removed.
7 Pages V   1 2 3 > »    Reply to this topic

Swedish men and the dating norm?

Confused american girl

Lightbeez
post 13.Aug.2011, 06:15 PM
Post #1
Joined: 13.Aug.2011

I've been involved with a Swedish man for the past 7 months. Till now he's acted like he's been in love with me even if he's never said the words "i love you." I just thought he was afraid of saying it because I wasn't saying it to him. I realized just how much he cared not just from how well he treated me and calling me "my love" but because he was talking about a future with me and deciding whether I should move there or live elsewhere in europe. He even introduced me to his mormor and his friend when i was in sweden 2 months ago. Then when I recently decided to tell him that I love him, because i thought its what he wanted to hear, it scares him and he has the most unexpected reaction. He just goes cold on me and suddenly flips a 180. IHe just completely drops everything as if everything he said was never said. Says he doesn't want to be in a relationship and doesn't think the sambo visa is a good idea now. I was completely confused and upset because he didn't give me any explanation other than saying he changed his mind. As though me saying the "L" word turned it into something dramatic when I just simply said how i felt in the moment. It wasn't said with demands or expectations or anything, i just said it openly and honestly.

I got upset and didn't understand how he can drastically go cold just like that and we haven't talked for 3 weeks now. Finally talked to him yesterday and when i accused him of being a liar or being insincere, he still defends himself saying he was real and meant what he said to me but that he just changed his mind and wants to focus on work. How can he sincerely say he wanted to only be with me and have a future with me, but then just because i drop the "L" word he now wants to drop everything and hide behind "work" as an excuse? His only explaination now is "I have and always had feelings for you not in love but never the less." I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. Just thinking about how caring and loving he was these past months especially when I was in sweden recently, I know he could be in love with me but he's just scared because he'd rather not because it's easier not to.But if he could easily let me go, then he couldn't have sincerely cared and meant all the things he's said and done till now.

As an american girl, I'm honestly wondering if there's a cultural clash here as far as relationships go. I am completely baffled. Is this normal for a swedish guy to treat a girl like his girlfriend and speak of future with her, saying she's his most valued and special person but not want love involved? and if she suddenly is in love then he doesn't want anything anymore??
Go to the top of the page
+
swozzie
post 13.Aug.2011, 06:28 PM
Post #2
Joined: 8.Oct.2009

Oh yeah....big time culture clash honey
Go to the top of the page
+
swozzie
post 13.Aug.2011, 06:31 PM
Post #3
Joined: 8.Oct.2009

" Finally talked to him yesterday and when i accused him of being a liar or being insincere"

This would not have helped your case dry.gif
Go to the top of the page
+
swozzie
post 13.Aug.2011, 06:34 PM
Post #4
Joined: 8.Oct.2009

This topic has been covered here before so you may like to do a search. Or maybe it's time to read the " Xenophobes guide to the Swedes".

Yes - it is a published book

So is "The Xenophobes guide to the Americans" Let him read that. Not fair that you should do all the understanding
Go to the top of the page
+
CathySky
post 13.Aug.2011, 06:38 PM
Post #5
Joined: 8.Oct.2006

I am so sorry to hear about your situation but on an honest note, most swedish guys are like this. They enjoy having the feeling of being in a relationship but at the same time don't want to be. And I know you don't want to hear this but be happy he told you of his feelings sooner rather than later.

Swedish men are known to be honest, he might have cared for you deeply but was not in love with you because if he were, he wouldn't have treated you the way he did. Sorry again but see this as a blessing in disguise.
Go to the top of the page
+
Gamla Hälsingebock
post 13.Aug.2011, 06:50 PM
Post #6
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

If you were having a "log distance" romance it is easy to, casually say endearing things from afar, if that was the case, a face to face declaration of the "L" word is a big, shall we say shock.

Also I think all men, not only Swedes would have considered that as a great surprise and ducked for cover so to speak.

It really hurts to honestly express feelings and find they are not mutual, however such expressions should only be made when you are sure the feeling is mutual...unfortunately that's the hard part...live and learn.

Try to keep friendly and wait to see if he comes around, if not, I'm sorry.
Go to the top of the page
+
mångk
post 13.Aug.2011, 06:52 PM
Post #7
Joined: 27.Jul.2008

QUOTE (Gamla Hälsingebock @ 13.Aug.2011, 07:50 PM) *
Also I think all men, not only Swedes would have considered that as a great surprise and ducked for cover so to speak.

Surely that cannot be true! blink.gif
Go to the top of the page
+
YHPK
post 13.Aug.2011, 07:00 PM
Post #8
Joined: 27.Mar.2011

Dating culture is definitely not in sync with what you would be used to in the US
Having said that, I never get the sensitivity people have about declaring love; 'The L Word' ... I mean its not the F word for god's sake! Why are people so afraid of acknowledging a feeling or emotion

If you care for someone deeply enough that you want to be with them or live with them, introduce them to your family or friends, etc ... that's supposed to be Love or am I on drugs?

maybe its the western fear of commitment that associates a declaration of love to a expectation of marriage or something...
If he freaks out over using a particular word, he never really cared for you is how I personally look at it.

Anyways, hold you head up and don't let it get you too down, life goes on, you meet new people who you eventually grow fond off smile.gif
Go to the top of the page
+
Gamla Hälsingebock
post 13.Aug.2011, 07:03 PM
Post #9
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

"Surely that cannot be true!"

If it was a long distance affair as I outlined...why not?
Go to the top of the page
+
mångk
post 13.Aug.2011, 07:11 PM
Post #10
Joined: 27.Jul.2008

QUOTE (Gamla Hälsingebock @ 13.Aug.2011, 08:03 PM) *
If it was a long distance affair as I outlined...why not?

I was being sarcastic about it being not only a Swedish trait! smile.gif
Go to the top of the page
+
swozzie
post 13.Aug.2011, 07:16 PM
Post #11
Joined: 8.Oct.2009

QUOTE (YHPK @ 13.Aug.2011, 06:00 PM) *
If you care for someone deeply enough that you want to be with them or live with them, introduce them to your family or friends, etc ... that's supposed to be Love or am I on drugs?

maybe you're on the Hollywood love drug ? dunno... but for some, doing all those things could be part of really getting to know someone at a deeper level before deciding that this could be the real deal. Maybe ? whatever, I think it's clear that the L word has different connotations for different people and like humour, isn't guaranteed to cross the cultural barrier easily or at all
Go to the top of the page
+
byke
post 13.Aug.2011, 07:17 PM
Post #12
Location: Europe
Joined: 28.Oct.2008

I can say hand on heart, I would never EVER date a Swedish man.

I am married, but even if I was single ...
Having lived here as long as I have ... The thought of having sex with a swedish man disgusts me and would NEVER consider trying to have a relationship with Swedish man.

Hope you feel better soon.
Go to the top of the page
+
Gamla Hälsingebock
post 13.Aug.2011, 07:17 PM
Post #13
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

[quote name='mångk' date='13.Aug.2011, 08:11 PM' post='667935']
I was being sarcastic about it being not only a Swedish trait! smile.gif
/quote]

laugh.gif It's hard to recognize a lot of things on paper, that's why we so often get flamed for nothing "real", just imagined!
Go to the top of the page
+
JulieLou40
post 13.Aug.2011, 07:39 PM
Post #14
Location: Luleå
Joined: 19.Oct.2009

I saw this exact same story in a post here some months ago.

Looks like we have another troll. Joy.
Go to the top of the page
+
Lightbeez
post 13.Aug.2011, 07:40 PM
Post #15
Joined: 13.Aug.2011

QUOTE (Gamla Hälsingebock @ 13.Aug.2011, 06:50 PM) *
If you were having a "log distance" romance it is easy to, casually say endearing things from afar, if that was the case, a face to face declaration of the "L&q ... (show full quote)

It was transatlantic because I live in the US, but in those 7 months, half that time was spent together going back and forth. The rest, we were speaking everyday on skype so if anything, he expressed how much I meant to him through his actions when we were physically together, not with "endearments from afar"

Why would all men have considered the "L" word a surprise? Especially if he was the one talking about a future with me. I was the one being grounded but he wanted to think of a long term solution. If that wasn't a clear indication of how serious was about me, i don't know what else was. That was the only reason why i decided in one moment to just tell him openly how i felt. If i didn't think he felt the same I wouldn't have said so; hence my confusion to his reaction. Caught me off guard to say the least.
Go to the top of the page
+

7 Pages V   1 2 3 > » 
Reply to this topic
2 User(s) are reading this topic (2 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

 

Swedish Down Town Consulting & Productions
Swedish Down Town Consulting & Productions is an innovative business company which provides valuable assistance with the Swedish Authorities, Swedish language practice and general communications. Call 073-100 47 81 or visit:
www.swedishdowntown.com
PSD Media
PSD Media is marketing company that offers innovative solutions for online retailers. We provide modern solutions that help increase traffic and raise conversion. Visit our site at:
http://psdmedia.se
If you want to drink, that’s your business.
If you want to stop, we can help.

Learn more about English-language Alcoholics Anonymous in Sweden. No dues. No fees. Confidentiality assured.
AA-EUROPE.ORG/SWEDEN