(edit title) Child care balance Consesus view Options

[JaneJohnDoe]

In the interest of not clouding the issue with gender I have deliberately omitted my gender here but wanted to poll this group on what their feelings are on child care balance.
My problem is I am happily married with a Swedish non working partner (current situation) and I am have an office job. And have a toddler and we have complely differing views on what could be expected to do in terms of taking care of the child.

Currently I will get up with the child at 7 and bottle, maybe shower the child etc and generally get ready to go to work. My partner finds it difficult to operate until after 8 which is fair enough. I will go to work for my 8 hour shift and come come home and take over the child till bedtime at 7 including a bath if we did not shower in the morning. Weekends I will get up with baby and generally tak a more hands on approach with the baby as my partner has had the child all week. No dagis yet.

Right I am finding this pretty tiring etc and my uk friends family say I am doing to much. BUT I am not interested in what they say as long as I fit the pattern of a modern swedish family I can not argue. So I ask this forumn and particularly the mixed Swedish / non Swedish partners am I being pathetic, or am I being taken advantage of. I have a suspicion and am recsentful of my partner but maybe I am the one that's is living in the dark ages and this is modern Swedish life.

[skogsbo]

I guess you are female. Yes, he is taking the pi$$. Why can't he get up with you and sorting the baby, while you get ready for work? Is he that tired from not working? He needs to man up, or get a job and share baby duties 50/50.

ps. I'm a guy.

[160kph]

Who get up if your child wakes up in the night?

[JaneJohnDoe]

When the baby needed breast milk then the women but now I'd say a balance of 40 to the office worker and 60 % to the stay at home child care partner

[grymagnusson]

We have three kids and have always tried to equate time i.e. working away from the home/in the home should be given the same value.

This means that the the time and duties outside of that it is fair to expect is shared between the two of us. If both have had a stint with the baby then both surely understand that looking after a little one is no dance on roses.

I can understand that the stay-at-home partner doesn't want to feel that they are an employee of the office-job partner, they after all work for the child not for their partner.

The UK model seems to be that the stay-at-home partner is expected to do everything at home including for example ironing shirts for the working partner, which is destined for disaster in my view.

So in your case, I would argue that you should split the evenings - you take 3, him/her two perhaps. Weekends you can split a day each. This means that you are both free to keep up outside interests,sleep or just hang out with the baby/each other while knowing that the ground work will be taken care of by whichever partner is 'on duty'.

[jan.petras]

You're acting like you don't want to spend time and be with the child. Why did you have the thing if you're so bitchy about it? I don't care if you work or not. Maybe he thinks staying home sucks, so how about you stay home, and he goes to work.

Or how about you both go to work and just leave the kid alone, seeing as you don't really care about the kid, but about who gets less time with it.

[Satrina]

@skogsbo you can not assume this is the case.

I don't function before 8am either, but, I still manage to make the kids packed lunches for school and iron hubbys shirt for work while he's getting ready.

[tuborgian]

In our case, I am staying at home and my partner (swedish) works. I do the bulk of looking after our baby, which I believe is right as I feed at night while my partner who has a physically demanding job sleeps. Even though I am at home I do expect my partner to help, which he does by doing the first night feed and giving me a couple of hours in the morning to myself.

I would go bonkers in your position. If I get this right you are expected to go to work and then look after your child before and after as well. It is hard work looking after kids, you have to have a rest, for the child's sake as much as yours. Having one extremely knackered parent and a resentful atmophere around them, isn't good for a kid.

Is your partner enjoying looking after your child? My partner loves our baby but simply could not spend all day looking after him. My partner has to work. I don't like working, so this arrangement suits us. Maybe your partner is depressed - or simply could need a kick up the backside.

[John.Smith]

You're acting like you don't want to spend time and be with the child. Why did you have the thing if you're so bitchy about it? I don't care if you work or not ... (show full quote)

You're acting like you don't want to spend time and be with the child. Why did you have the thing if you're so bitchy about it? I don't care if you work or not. Maybe he thinks staying home sucks, so how about you stay home, and he goes to work.
Or how about you both go to work and just leave the kid alone, seeing as you don't really care about the kid, but about who gets less time with it. ... (hide full quote)

@ Jan Petras
Very Harsh reply IMHO. I think you missed the point of the OP's topic. The OP was not questioning having the child. (S)he was questioning the division of parental and spousal duties. Also a child is not a 'thing'.

@ OP,
I understand where you are coming from and considering this is your first child (assumption I am making) then such feelings are quite normal. Rather than let them fester I think you and your spouse need to sit down and talk about the issue.

For me, parenting is 50-50 between mum and dad. My wife is on extended parental leave and at home breast feeding with our baby and we also have 2 older kids too. I do the house cleaning, she does the clothes washing. I take the older two kids to their football, horse riding and at weekend I take the kids to swimming, and other activities they want to do. She cooks dinner 95% of the time and I clean the dishes in return etc etc... we have a balance that works for us. We are lucky to rarely have any disagreements about the sharing of our parental duties.

From experience it is important that you both try to see the other person's perspective and your partner may have feelings that also need attention. Having the first child can feel a little overwhelming until such time that the parent find the routines and dynamic that works for them both. Me and my wife have recently been blessed with our 3rd child and I have to say that the experiences and knowledge we gained from our first 2 kids has resulted in a most enjoyable 3rd birth and a very relaxed and comfortable experience in parenting our little baby i.e. baby duties (nappies, putting to bed etc etc..). We have our routines and dynamic and we also know when we need to say to each other if something is not working.

Talk it out

Hope it all works out.

[byke]

We are living in different times to our parents in regards to gender roles.

And I believe their is an extended backlash by some females especially reluctant to become mothers after birth as it is often seen as degrading or a demotion in a working role. Almost a polar opposite to male roles 30 years ago.

Regardless of your gender, parenthood is something to embrace and cherish.
Its definitely an acquired taste for some ... but give it time.

Personally I believe the first few months are especially important for a child and its mother which I know will anger some people out there. But the reason for this is related to breast feeding and other key aspects of nurturing which I don't believe it is possible to simulate by a male in the same mannerism.

http://www.healthspan.co.uk/articles/food-for-thought/

And a particular type of long-chain fatty acid, found in breast milk and oily fish, is vital for brain function. Norwegian and Danish research has shown that babies who were breasted for less than three months were more likely to score below average for mental skills when they were five years old. It is interesting to note also that the lowest rates of dyslexia are found in Japan, where the diet includes a lot of fish.

Either way, just remember that the first 12 months of a newborns arrival is the most strenuous time in any relationship.
And more relationships are ended in this 12 month period, than any other time.

[John.Smith]

We are living in different times to our parents in regards to gender roles.And I believe their is an extended backlash by some females especially reluctant to become mothers a ... (show full quote)

We are living in different times to our parents in regards to gender roles.

And I believe their is an extended backlash by some females especially reluctant to become mothers after birth as it is often seen as degrading or a demotion in a working role. Almost a polar opposite to male roles 30 years ago.

Regardless of your gender, parenthood is something to embrace and cherish.
Its definitely an acquired taste for some ... but give it time.

Personally I believe the first few months are especially important for a child and its mother which I know will anger some people out there. But the reason for this is related to breast feeding and other key aspects of nurturing which I don't believe it is possible to simulate by a male in the same mannerism.

http://www.healthspan.co.uk/articles/food-for-thought/

Either way, just remember that the first 12 months of a newborns arrival is the most strenuous time in any relationship.
And more relationships are ended in this 12 month period, than any other time. ... (hide full quote)

+1
Well said.

I would however say that breast feeding is not an option for all mothers due to various reasons. I have no specific view on whether or not breastfeeding creates a tighter emotional bond between mother and baby (some people have extreme views both ways on this) but the health benefits are clear in terms of babys immune system etc..
I do feel however that mother and father go through phases of 'importance' to the kids as the kids grow up. For example, my 5 year old son is crazy about hanging with Dad right now and wants to dress the same as me, help me with jobs and generally be around me all the time (which I love ), whereas a year ago he was all about Mum (which was also ok with me)

[160kph]

I was going to offer a opinion but I can't add much more then what "John Smith" and "Byke" have said.

[Migga]

I guess one could look at it that your partner spends 8 hours a day with the child while you only spend 4 hours, is that somewhat correct? I take it the child sleeps around 12 hours a day?

On the other side one could see it that you spend 12 hours working and taking care of the child while your partner only does 8 hours of child care.

I`d say that both scenarios aren`t that unfair really. It`s "only" 4 hours difference. Of course it`s hard but I guess that`s the life of a family with a small child.

What I think the issue may be is the 8 hours child care your partner do and the 8 hours work you do. How well do they match up towards eachother? How much energy and work goes in to those hours, depending on if you are the one staying at home or the one working? I bet that "only" those 4 extra hours working in combination of your 4 hours of child care is much more straining then your partners 8 hours of child care. And there you have a valid point.

[StephenR]

I think Byke and John Smith have summed it up excellently. I wouldn't necessarily say it has to be a clear 50/50 split and I don't think John is suggesting that - I think it would be better to say that an equal sacrifice is necessary from both parents whether that works out as 50/50 timewise or 35/75 or whatever depending on the specific circumstances.

One thing I would like to ask is about the "non-working" situation? Do you meant that parental leave is the issue here or is it unemployment? In the latter case, and if unemployment is particularly weighing on your partner's mind, could it be the case that they have made childcare their new job in a sense and so they're viewing it as a 9-5 thing? Would be worth thinking about. In any case, the real solution isn't on these forums but in a discussion with your partner.

[Darwinder]

My wife and I have a 16 month year old little girl, our first. I can understand you questioning all the time if its normal and perhaps people back home saying your doing to much and all that, trust me, I do understand, been through it myself now and having a baby really does put your relationship to the test, especially if one person has to deal with it with no real family anywhere within earshot and living in a country that has completely different ideas of child rearing.

At the same time, I just really put my head to the ground and said you know what, this is the way they do it here, I am going to try my best to do it there way but to make sure I have input on what I feel are the really important matters.

We kind of split up the repsonsibilities based on who is working and when. For the first 12 months my wife got her mamamoney so she was the full time caregiver, while I worked full time and helped out when I could. For months 13 to 16 my wife and I both worked 75% and I took my papa money and also 75% of the workload with the baby. Sometimes its fair, sometimes not. My wife doesnt have a drivers license even though I have bugged her for a year to get one and so guess who gets to take the baby to daycare and pick her up every day But at the same time, my wife likes to get up early in the mornings and let me sleep in once and awhile on my days as a surprise, and I always wake up with some kind of special breakfast being made, american pancakes or freshly made croissonts, so it all evens out.

I think its really important just to be open and honest without being hostile. I know myself there are many times when my wife was at work I come home, the house is a pigstye, the baby is teething and I have to spend 2 hours cleaning and dealing with a pissed off baby that all I can think in my mind is ... hey, when did your wife last clean the bathroom, when did she last go shopping, when did she last do , well you get my point. Those types of moods will lean on you hard mentally, better to just let it go, and figure out a healthy comprimise.

Now, if you are actually getting taken advantage of, well then you need to put a stop to it, because those relationships only turn into resentment later and will hurt the child. Figure out a loving way to get through it, truly around 16 months you can start to see the light again of a normal life, and such a beautiful light it is.