(edit title) Workplace birthday etiquette Nasty work colleague Options

[oOjimOo]

My wife, who is on mamma leave, was told today that, as it was a colleagues birthday, she was expected to contribute toward the gift. They are 4 women working together, my wife and one collague in their 30's and the other two in their 50's. In this office it has been the practice to contribue towards a birthday present each year for each of the girls. My wife's birthday occured at the end of March before she had the baby about a month later.

The 3 other colleagues have their birthdays now within the month, so she would be expected to cough up for all three from the same "wage packet". She discussed it with the younger colleague today, explaining that it wasnt that she didnt want to but couldnt afford to at the moment since the money was so tight. The younger colleague, who is new to the job, expressed surprise that they were expected to contribute towards presents yearly, as opposed to "key" birthdays, such as 20, 30, 40, 50 etc., but she said that she would go along with it.

She obviously discussed the probable shortfall with another colleague who decided to send a message to my wife on FB lambasting her for not contributing, reminding her that she had recived a gift on her own birthday, saying that her own finances were much tougher than my wife's because she and her husband had two sons in college and had a house which was more expensive to run than the rented apartment that we live in. She said that she will now have to pick up the extra cost herself for "the perfect gift" she had found and at the very end of the messsage wished my wife a good weekend.

Needless to say my wife is upset and I am fuming.

But what is the etiquette here in Sweden? I work with a small firm of 5 persons, and we each give 100 SEK when it comes to a key birthday, with the boss topping it off at 2000 SEK. They done the same when my wife had her baby, but as I am the youngest I dont expect that Ill ever be asked to contribute other than for a colleagues retirement in about 2 years time.

I myself, expecting three birthdays in the one month, would have put aside money to cover tis, but I guess my wife has had other things on her mind of late.

[Svensksmith]

How much are they hitting her up for?

[William Sachsen-Coburg-Go...]

Very bad form to accept birthday presents bought by your small team of colleagues and then refuse to pay towards birthday presents for them, regardless of what culture you're from.

[Puffin]

Yes I am inclined to agree - it does come over as rather rude and grabby to take a gift and then refuse to give to others - if she was not prepared to contribute to other presents from team members this year she should have let it be known that she did not want to receive a gift herself.

How much do they want? In most places it is quite a small token such as 20-100kr - hardly a fortune

[Abe L]

I only see people commenting on the matter rather then providing feedback of wether this is common or not. I've not seen this in any Swedish company and neither has my wife. Perhaps not that common, or not with 'better' jobs.

Otherwise there do is value in keeping peace with your coworkers and if it takes a few hundred crowns to do so, I would just go ahead and get it over with. Hope she has learned from adding co-workers on facebook, there comes nothing good from that ever.

[byke]

I agree with the others, you can't just take ... and not return the gesture.
However, the monetary value is not the issue - is it?.

Otherwise, a gesture of making something such as a cake or so on would surely surface.
However if your wife is being pressured into paying for a gift chosen by another person to an amount that is over what you feel you can afford, then the issue lays with that single person and their choice.

So get your misses baking and all should be tickity boo.
A box of home made muffins is just as good as any gift.

[oOjimOo]

I have learned today that the money is for a wine tasting evening. Sounds nice, only that the person doing the lambasting will also accompany the birthday girl to the event, with the other two not invited.

I know what it seems like, accepting a present and not contributing to others, but she has raised this before with her colleagues, but they carry on regardless. The last time she raised it this nasty colleague made snide remarks about how me and my wife manage our finance. Aparently it is not right to save 500 Sek monthly to go on a small cheap holiday yearly.

All 4 are Swede's and are low paid. Despite this the same woman inisists that they take it in turn to buy lunch each week, fresh bread, fresh ham etc daily. My wife takes a packed lunch to work each day, but still pays for lunch on this persons insistance, usually at 150 SEK per month each. I think this is insane.

My wife wants to break this practice, but the latest snide message has left her very upset.

[johnjohn]

Fresh bread, Fresh ham. 150kr per month. Oh the humanity!!!

 

 

[Flutterbye]

I don't think this is just a "Swedish" thing, I used to work in a large office (100 ppl) so we were split up into different sections. Birthday present contributions were usually kept within your own section ( unless you had a very good friend in another section ) usually the whole department contributed to wedding presents.
We had a girl who was transferred from another office and she anounced she did not want to contribute to any collections, ok that was her decision so she received nothing on her birthday.
Difficult one this one but I guess you can't take and not give.

 

 

[gplusa]

Birthday presents every year is a bit over the top. We chip in within our own group but only for special birthdays such as 30, 40, 50 etc. Even then it's only 20kr or so with the company also chipping in for a bit. No way I'd be paying 100kr for people I have little in common with every year.

[Svensksmith]

If it is a small amount of money (200 krowns or so), it is worth it to pay up and keep the peace. Office politics can be a real pain. Also, as other posters have noted, your wife wasn't shy about accepting a gift. That's a two-way street.

The lunch thing is a different matter. Your wife should not feel obligated to buy lunch. I brown bag it every day and have for many years. When the group goes out for lunch, I stay behind. I just explain that I'm a little short on cash and I try to make up for it in other ways. For example, there is a group of us who go for a run after work each day. I joined that group because it's good for me and my budget and shows that I am making an effort to be part of the team. Perhaps there are other opportunities to be part of the group w/o spending money.

[oOjimOo]

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[oOjimOo]

3 girls have their birthdays within the coming month, my wifes birthday is in March. Last November she tried to discuss with them this arrangement which led to this one particular colleague to deride her for our financial situation. Although it brought up a lot of anomisity she felt that she got her point across. But last March she was given a gift. I think that she should have refused to take it at that stage, but she didnt want to offend and didnt know what to do.

[Yorkshireman]

It is more normal that only special anniversaries 30 40 50 60 65 etc.. are gathered for by the workers!, not every birthday! . I would even add into the pot there, births, marriages and retirements, and supplimented by donations from the company itself.

It was also very rude of Your partners colleagues to chase her about this whilst on parent leave. The whole point of parent leave is that all obligations to work and the employer are removed, in fact it is a condition of receiving any parent leave monies that You do not do anything for work!

There are obviously other issues at play in the work place if they are continually making comments about your personal finances! What business is it of theirs, You have kids?, then every penny counts.

However, that said, gifts have been received, you are now part of the machine that turns around every year, it is often treated like a social debt ... they paid for your partners present, you are supposed to contribute to theirs. For peace in the office, like the bully in the playground, you will have to pay for peace!

[JulieLou40]

I think that other woman sounds like a complete bully. I notice she is accompanying the birthday girl to the wine tasting event-is she paying for herself, or is she quietly sneaking the cost of her ticket into the birthday present cost?
Also, the lunch thing is crazy. What the hell has it got to do with that woman if your wife takes a packed lunch to cut costs? Good on her, I say, I've finally got my partner to do the same instead of eating in the canteen every day, and he saves loads-plus my cooking is better.
If I was your wife, I would probably state that ok, as she's received a gift this year, she accepts she has to pay for the others-but that after this round of birthdays are done, she removes herself from this arrangement.
Regarding the lunch, I'd tell the bully woman straight out that she's not joining in any more as from now, and she can whistle for her fresh bread and ham.