(edit title) Workplace birthday etiquette Nasty work colleague Options

[ddsupreme]

these people are her work colleagues.

they are not her friends.

there is no formal etiquette anywhere for this sort of thing. quite simply what your wife chooses to do with her money is her business and as a default and she should feel no pressure nor be made to feel any pressure to opt in.

a polite and direct statement saying that she no longer wants to be part of any of this nonsense (including the lunch) is the best approach. if necessary she could suggest to repay those who contributed to her gift.

if anyone is particularly put out by this, it's likely that you'd fall out with them at a later date anyway.

and as for my experience of this, i worked on a 5 year project in Sweden and not once was there a collection for birthdays. We had leaving presents as long term members of the project rolled off (or were about to give birth). muggins here was the last to switch the lights off and having put into everyone else's present got sweet fa (the clients who I worked closest with were kind enough to get me something and take me out for lunch though).

[sometimesinsweden]

The organisation of such birthday present may be a Swedish thing, as the UK and US companies I have worked at/for have all involved just an A4 envelope coming round and people put in what they want, rather than a set monetary value.

However, if your wife has accepted a present which has been contributed towards by the woman she doesn't like, it would be etiquette in all countries I've lived in to return the gesture and her other colleague who complained about making up the shortfall has every right to be - you're either in or out with these things.

[oOjimOo]

I just want to point out again, as it seems to be a common reaction from people, that last year, perhaps 5 months BEFORE my wifes last birthday, she tried to discuss the issue of birthday gifts and the need for them EVERY year. It lead to one staff member to question how we manage our finances - which went something like this - I have a house, and I have a lazy husband, and Im low paid and you have it better, and you waste money on holidays so you should be able to contribute. etc. They bought her a present anyway, despite making her feelings known - it was a cheese platter. She was too embarrased to refuse, so she took it.

The woman in question is paying her own ticket to the wine tasting. Because they are both in their 50's they always spend time together. My wifes opinion or input wasnt sought, just her share of the cost. An invitation to attend the event wasnt forthcomming either, not that my wife can afford to go, as our finances are at a low level as she is on Mamma Leave.

My wife took the money from her holiday savings and transfered it to this womans account Sunday after she recieved another vicious message of how this woman now had to "scrape the bottom of the barrell" so that her good work friend would have the perfect birthday!

My wife will be on Mamma Leave until way after her birthday, but I have told her if they offer her a gift after this, and she accepts I will personally take it back to them and tell them what to do with it!

[Hamsterdam]

You should really be able to sort out this trivial shit yourself.

[ddsupreme]

oOjimOo

i'm going to be a little more direct this time

does your wife want to be friends with these awful people?

if not, she needs to stop acquiescing to their ridiculous and entirely fabricated work social structure and moreover stop giving them your money.

seriously, you are giving this woman money so she can have a night out with her friend partially paid for by people she works with she's bullying into paying.

it's not acceptable.

it's not hard and whilst we should all be careful about offending people we like, this woman is clearly a manipulative cow who wants everyone to conform to her idea of the social arrangements in the office. your wife needs to grow a pair and tell her to do one.

failing that, you play her at her own game, and get the wife to arrange all subsequent presents, which will be nights out for the birthday girl and herself at michelin starred restaurants, followed by the theatre and then a nightclub.

[John.Smith]

Simple solution:
Your wife needs to make clear to the a$$h0le bully that she wants no further part in the birthday gift giving or receiving and that any further spiteful messages received on Facebook or anyother media will result in a complaint being made to the relevant manager for harassment.
These women are not her friends... period!

She should pay up for this year (to balance things out) and then make it clear that her finances are her business and that she would rather save for a holiday than cough up for workplace festivities.

[Puffin]

I once worked in a place where the birthday person was required to provide cakes for the entire section/department. Not too bad if you worked on an average section with 5-8 people but got expensive when you were on a large one of 30+.

OP I think that your wife should contribute to the remaining birthdays this year as a gesture of fairness to the others (a pity given her feelings that she did not opt out of the present group and refuse to have a gift earlier in the year)

She should then make it very clear that she no longer wishes to be a member of the birthday and lunch "pool" and that future activities should be planned without her. It may make her somewhat of an "outsider" at work but as she has made it clear that she does not wish to be a part of this circle perhaps she will not mind

[Essingen]

A whole range of opinions here, but personally I find the contributions from JulieLou40 and Puffin (of course!) to be the most sensible ways forward.

[dave.smith]

Workplace birthday etiquette is a tough one, because evry company is different and has different standards / expectations.

We have a few traditions in place now:

1. The person having the birthday gets an inflatable sheep put on his or her desk, usually with a girl's name (although for the PA we changed it this year to a boy's name). The sheep is put in a "strange" position. This was started as a gag between one of the developers and the sys admin/tester, but has become company wide.

2. If it's someone's birthday, we close early and go for pizza at the local pizzeria. You just can't get better than Swedish pizza (which other country has pizza sallad?), and everyone at the company seems to agree

[byke]

Is a person who is absent from work with a child really part of a work group? Given the time frame along with such spaces often filled with a temp.

Should it not be the responsibility of the temp to fill any such void ?

[John.Smith]

Agreed, I think they are pulling the mickey on this one in fairness. It feels like small minded behavior to be honest.

[Coolrunnings]

Go with the flow or be an asshole.

[Shibumi]

Sometimes it's ok to be seen as an asshole.

[byke]

... Only when there is a gap in the market.