(edit title) Dealing with bullying 9 y.o. in school. Options

[Gordy]

Since moving here our son has been subjected to bullying in the school yard.

The school is otherwise excellent but supervision in the school yard at breaks during school time seems to be severely lacking. Despite there being a huge number of teachers it seems they all insist on taking their breaks at the same time.

The bullying is what I would consider to be at a fairly low level and is mostly verbal but has been physical on a few occasions. It does none the less have a serious negative effect on our son.

We have spoken to the school about it a number of times and there is usually a short term improvement in the situation but then it seems to drift off their radar and the bullying re-emerges.

Our son who is turning 9 soon is the shy and quiet type and an easy target for the bullies.

My feeling is that we now really need to deal with the situation as I can only see it growing worse as he gets older as I experienced much the same sort of bullying during all my school years and I don't wish to see him having to endure anything similar.

My feeling is that if he was more assertive he could deal with the bullies effectively himself.

Has anyone got experience of effectively dealing with this kind of situation here and can offer advice?

[sometimesinsweden]

Is it the same child/group of children doing the bullying over the period of time?

If so, speak to their parents maybe?

Good luck to you and your son, I've got 3 young children under 10 and not sure I could keep my temper Swedish-style with the opposing childrens parents if I found out similar was happening and it didn't stop.

[byke]

Gordy,
I really feel for you and your kid ... that cant be an easy thing.
Obviously the first port of call regarding advice for such is usually : http://friends.se

If you haven't gotten anywhere with the school then it may be time to make an official complaint.
Is it a state run school?

[John.Smith]

Tough one mate
I detest bullying in all its forms. I had a small group of d1ckheads bully me when I started in a new school ( I was about 14-15 y.o.). I was a quiet unassuming kid and really didn't have the wit to counter them except laugh it off and pretend like it didn't matter.
One day one of the lads decided to try and kick the crap out of me (up until then the abuse was never physical). I lost the plot, saw red and battered several shades out of him in full view of his mates and a teacher. To cut a long story short, the teacher applauded me in private, I got suspended for 1 day and detention of a week. The lad I battered suffered a fractured nose, blackeyes and dented ego.
The bullying stopped. It gave me a sense of confidence that lasts to this day. I would never advocate violence but all i can say is that it worked for me in that scenario.

With a 9 year old, it is different because 2 things need to happen:

1. He needs to increase his confidence and sense of self worth with his peers.
2. he needs to understand how to defend himself both verbally and physically.

They are not mutually exclusive.

I recall feeling totally intimidated by the bullies and they knew it. The trick is to break that cycle. A simple way that is effective is to challenge them. What I mean is that if they make a smart comment/joke at your expense, then walk straight up to them and ask them to repeat the comment. Be aggressive, and do not back down. Make sure that they (the bully) is the one who starts to feel uncomfortable around your presence and not the other way around. If the bully does not get the reaction he is expecting or wants (fear) then he will stop as he starts to look like a tool in front of his buddies.
Another approach is to understand that bullies bully because of their own insecurities. If you can tap into and understand what the insecurities are then you can find ways to exact revenge.

I am sorry, but I do not believe that teachers and/or the parents of a bully can actually make much of a difference. The bully will always find a way to bully and the victims may become targeted in other ways.

My advice in summary is to ensure that the problem is dealt with ASAP and that you need to find a way that involves your son. If he sees that he can actually defend himself it will work wonders on his self confidence and that is one of the best gifts you can give to him.

[Gordy]

Yes it is a state school and in other respects is very good so I would be reluctant to take an official complaint at this stage at least. There is a new principal who has been effective in changing other things so I am hopeful that they can also make changes on this front.

We have spoken to other parents when we were aware their kid was doing the bullying and in some cases it has been effective but in other cases I don't think the home life of some of the kids is the best and the bullying is probably an outlet for there own frustrations.

My own feeling is that we need to empower our son to be able to face down the bullies himself. It's a pretty small school he is in now but in time will have to move to a bigger school and if he isn't able to stand up for himself there he will face a lot more of this kind of stuff.

[Shibumi]

How about signing him up for some sort of martial art classes like Taekwondo? I saw it do wonders for the self-confidence and assertiveness of a friend's 8 year-old son.

[Gordy]

Crossed with your post John. Pretty much how I feel. We did try to get our son started with karate lessons to give him more self confidence but he didn't want to go a 2nd time, so we didn't force him but he needs something like that to develop himself.

[Mo]

<in jest> Bullying is as swedish as pink fishy toothpaste </in jest>

I think martial arts are the way to go, problem is he is different to the other kids & Sweden does not value diversity.

[Yorkshireman]

Skolverket has been running a program that started a while back. Every school is supposed to have a how to deal with it plan for bullying. Talk with the Head Teacher about what plan they have in your kids school.

One of the things they did in My kids school was that between 7->10 every kid had an older child as their mentor (read protector) who they could go to for advice etc... The hope was that they could at least stop the bullying within similar years. Won't say that it worked!, but as they were proud to tell the parents ... at least they have a plan!

Here's a couple of links that may or may not be useful!:
http://www.friends.se/ (for the kid himself)

and some advise from BRIS:
http://www.barnperspektivet.se/teman/forsk...ing-krankningar

[skogsbo]

rather than self defence or martial arts stuff, I would steer him towards sports clubs etc. either school or external. Apart from increasing his social circle, it will enhance his confidence too. It will also give him some extra folk to hang out with at school break time.

Bullies rarely target anyone who is part of another strong clique, especially a sporting one, too much to risk.

Whilst the school should be aware, overt school intervention might not ease his situation in the short term. Most bullies come from like parents, so your also unlikely to see any assistance in that direction either.

[cogito]

Gordy,
What Shibumi said.
Try to persuade your son to give karate another chance. Maybe in a different class or with a different coach?I have seen karate work wonders for a young boy who was being tortured by class bullies.

[skogsbo]

Try to persuade your son to give karate another chance. Maybe in a different class or with a different coach?I have seen karate work wonders for a young boy who was being tortured by class bullies.

Something that impacted me when I was 13 or so, was when I started skating and playing hockey, didn't notice it at the time, more of hindsight thing since maturing (ish), i realised now that I was probably just projecting more confidence if nothing else.

I think sport is the key, but clearly a sport that projects the image of "I won't take your $hit anymore" is better.

[Gordy]

Thanks for the feedback folks, I will follow up on those links later.

The problem with the karate was that my wife brought him along for a try out without him having been there for a look previously and the warm up was a group session of every age group up to adults in a big hall and the whole experience was just too over whelming for him with all the shouting etc, That was only a few weeks ago so it's too soon to try again even with another club.

He was in the Boys Brigade in Ireland and loved that but we just couldn't convince him to go to the Scouts here last year, but he is going along to the local troop this week so hopefully he will continue with that.

He (like myself) is not very sports minded but goes to table tennis and did golf lessons in the summer. He was by far the youngest doing the golf and it did get him some respect with the two older boys from his school who did the same lessons but they have now both moved from his school so no benefit there any more.

It has been my wife who has been dealing with this issue with the school up till now so it may not harm if I pay the principal a visit myself to see if they can enforce some more control in the playground during breaks, it could buy some time while we work on some other things to help his self confidence.

[skogsbo]

speak to the scout group and see if one of you can stay there for the whole session, just lurking in the background. It might give your son the confidence, just knowing you're nearby, then like all kids he'll make friends and find fun things to do and forget about you. It's just a matter of helping him through the initial first day feeling. Try and arrive very early, so the group progressively gets bigger, rather than on time and he has to dive into a group of kids already there.

[byke]

Karate doesnt solve the problem ... It just gives the kid an extra issue they have to worry about.
Some kids are fighters while others are thinkers ... Best advice would be to go after the bully to the point where their actions are led to either him or the parents to be held accountable.

I am a big fan of boxing ... but again it doesnt solve the problem.
Especially if your kids goes from bully to accused.

stress , stress and more stress ....

Catch the bully and hold them accountable.