(edit title) Dealing with bullying 9 y.o. in school. Options

[sometimesinsweden]

Karate doesnt solve the problem ... It just gives the kid an extra issue they have to worry about.Some kids are fighters while others are thinkers ... Best advice would be to ... (show full quote)

Karate doesnt solve the problem ... It just gives the kid an extra issue they have to worry about.
Some kids are fighters while others are thinkers ... Best advice would be to go after the bully to the point where their actions are led to either him or the parents to be held accountable.

I am a big fan of boxing ... but again it doesnt solve the problem.
Especially if your kids goes from bully to accused.

stress , stress and more stress ...

Catch the bully and hold them accountable. ... (hide full quote)

This is a very good and helpful post on the topic, in my opinion.

Not sure forcing an activity on your lad, that he doesnt enjoy, will help - maybe even hinder if it lowers his self esteem more. I'd concentrate on activities that your son does enjoy, whatever they may be, and using them to open up his social circle beyond school life. If he's happy and enjoying doing something with his peer group and older, that will help make him more impervious to bullying, whether it be a martial art, golf or whatever.

I'd go to school yourself and have a word with teachers then the parents of the culprits. As 'equal' as Sweden is purported to be between the sexes, there are some times when a word from dad goes further, in my experience...

[Richard Head]

I would suggest the martial arts route as well but not karate. It doesn't work. Jiu-Jitsu, Judo or Muay Thai would be the way to go if you want something that works. I would also suggest getting angry with the school since they will basically ignore you otherwise. Demand a meeting with the principal/rektor. And explain in no uncertain terms that you willl pull your kid from the school and generally give the school a bad name around town if things don't change. I worked in a school for a while and know how things work. Best of luck with your issue.

[Migga]

Moving from one country to another where one doesn`t know much is enough to make anyone insecure. It must be even more so for a kid. If I were you I would sit down with my kid and talk to him and find out if he feels insecure and why. Trying to solve the issue over his head will not help.

[Gamla Hälsingebock]

I think at some time we have all been bullied in some fashion, and probably, we ourselves let it happen.

There comes a time when we have had enough and changed the situation...this could easily come about as the child gets a little older and realizes that things are different, he is a little bigger now and is just fed up enough to fight back...I think time will tell in this situation, as it has in my experience.

It is part of growing up and realizing that bullies don't last all that long before someone "decks" him out of frustration and pent up anger.

My advice would be, to not press too much as adults...stand a bit back and advise the child, but don't make him look like a "mama's boy" that could be worse for him.

This too shall pass and then you will worry about him staying out too late and the others he hangs around with, etc...it happened to you didn't it?

Good luck,
GH

[Svensksmith]

Lots of advice to sort through. If I had a son (I have two daughters), I would be tempted to make sure my son learned proper self defense. Judo and Jiu Jitsu are sports, not self defense. Not that that is necessarily bad or that the techniques learned there might apply in certain situations. Certainly, involvement in either sport could help build confidence which may be what your son needs.

I know that you, as a dad, want to help but sometimes these things have to sort themselves out. Too much involvement on your part may make it even worse.

I had a bully terrorize me for a week or so when I was a kid. Finally I got tired of it and punched him in the nose. End of bullying. That was many years ago and times have changed, so I'm not sure if that approach would work today. In those days we didn't involve our parents, we handled it on our own. At least I did.

Best of luck with the situation.

[dave.smith]

As a kid I was bullied mercilessly. I used to bring in sheets of paper and during breaks / teacherless classes I used to write programs for my Commodore 64 and enter them when I got home. This was when I was 10ish.

I can only hope the bullies are enjoying their council houses while I enjoy my blonde Swedish sambo, Maserati, farm house a few minutes from a lake, and holiday houses overseas

[John.Smith]

rather than self defence or martial arts stuff, I would steer him towards sports clubs etc. either school or external. Apart from increasing his social circle, it will enhance ... (show full quote)

rather than self defence or martial arts stuff, I would steer him towards sports clubs etc. either school or external. Apart from increasing his social circle, it will enhance his confidence too. It will also give him some extra folk to hang out with at school break time.

Bullies rarely target anyone who is part of another strong clique, especially a sporting one, too much to risk.

Whilst the school should be aware, overt school intervention might not ease his situation in the short term. Most bullies come from like parents, so your also unlikely to see any assistance in that direction either. ... (hide full quote)

Gordy,
Great words of wisdom from Skogsbo. The issue right now is how your son can develop his sense of confidence. It is not about self defence (at least at this stage) so him learning fighting techniques is not a solution for a 9 y.o. child.
Also, I second the opinion that if teachers and other third parties were to step in that it really is only a very short term solution. He could still be victimized in other ways e.g. via social exclusion because he 'told on' one of the kids.

Moving from one country to another where one doesn`t know much is enough to make anyone insecure. It must be even more so for a kid. If I were you I would sit down with my ... (show full quote)

Moving from one country to another where one doesn`t know much is enough to make anyone insecure. It must be even more so for a kid. If I were you I would sit down with my kid and talk to him and find out if he feels insecure and why. Trying to solve the issue over his head will not help. ... (hide full quote)

Migga is also correct. Focus in on what it is that makes your child lack confidence right now. The fact that he has been targeted by some little brats is because they see him as an easy target. This is because he is not asserting himself in a way that shows his strengths.

One of the best suggestions so far is that rather than focus on self-defence, help him to develop his social circle both in and out of school.

1. Arrange play dates with other kids and arrange for them to do fun things such as an activity play center and go to Max afterwards with his new buddies. This creates a rapport that your son is fun to be around and is 'cool'... (you know the way kids think)
2. Encourage him to try various different activities and sports and hopefully he will find one that he can enjoy and build his confidence.
3. Sit with him and give him your time so that you can try and identify his insecurities. A good tip is to watch him closely when he interacts with other kids to see how well he can stand his ground. Encourage him to express what he wants to do and play next etc..

In the end it is about building confidence both socially and inwardly.

[skogsbo]

I can only hope the bullies are enjoying their council houses while I enjoy my blonde Swedish sambo, Maserati, farm house a few minutes from a lake, and holiday houses overseas

Dave, whilst you come across as a nice guy and have clearly done well, don't gloat as life has a habit of coming along and biting you in the a$$, just when you least expect it.

[John.Smith]

Dave, whilst you come across as a nice guy and have clearly done well, don't gloat as life has a habit of coming along and biting you in the a$, just when you least expect it.

+1

[Puffin]

All schools are required by law to have an anti-bullying plan and to enact said plan as soon as bullying is brought to the attention of the head teacher - failure to deal with bullying in a swift and satisfactory way means that the school may be liable to pay compensation to your son

You first port of call should be to to call the head teacher and explain the situation and demand that the school acts

If the school takes no action then you can report the school to the School Inspection Agency (Skolinspektionen)
http://www.skolinspektionen.se/sv/Anmalningar/

You can also get advice on this issue from the Child and pupils Ombudsman
http://www.skolinspektionen.se/beo/

[Puffin]

I can only hope the bullies are enjoying their council houses while I enjoy my blonde Swedish sambo, Maserati, farm house a few minutes from a lake, and holiday houses overseas

But obviously the whole situation has left you with huge deep-seated insecurities if your worries, paranoia and need to boast/ impress on this site are anything to go by

[sometimesinsweden]

As a kid I was bullied mercilessly. I used to bring in sheets of paper and during breaks / teacherless classes I used to write programs for my Commodore 64 and enter them when ... (show full quote)

As a kid I was bullied mercilessly. I used to bring in sheets of paper and during breaks / teacherless classes I used to write programs for my Commodore 64 and enter them when I got home. This was when I was 10ish.

I can only hope the bullies are enjoying their council houses while I enjoy my blonde Swedish sambo, Maserati, farm house a few minutes from a lake, and holiday houses overseas ... (hide full quote)

Money isn't the measure of a man, Dave.

Feel for you for being tormented as a kid, but you can't buy your acceptance in life.

[Gordy]

Thanks again for the further info and comments.

A few points to make.

I am not wedded to the idea of martial arts being part of the solution, I have never practised any myself and it was my son's idea to try out the karate.

In my own case it was amateur drama that really helped me with my self confidence but that wasn't until my mid 20's and I am not sure if it is something that would suit my son just now.

Any lack of self confidence is just in his nature he is the quiet and introverted type and always has been so it is not directly related to our move here.

He hasn't had a problem in making friends here and has a circle of friends both in school and out of school, if anything we are concerned that he spends too much time with his best friend and do encourage him to play more with his other friends in case his best friendship ever turns sour.

Any of the bullying I have been aware of up till now has been related to him being different to the other kid's and has centred on things like his pronunciation and so on.

But the latest incident has been different and it was a boy who up until now was a good friend, they have a shared interest in playing minecraft and he has helped him out a lot over Skype with installing mods and so on, so it has really rung an alarm bell for me that we are now dealing with a bigger issue.

Whilst I would like the school to take a better role in controlling the playground at break times I know that they cannot be on every kid's shoulder all the time so bullying is always going to happen.

What is important for me is that my son is now equipped with the life skills to be able to face down his bullies and stop it from happening.

I see that as a shared responsibility between the parents and the school who are after all charged with educating him.

Unfortunately the principal wasn't in yet when I was dropping the kids off this morning but I am heading back there now and hope to book a time so that I can have a frank discussion about the problem and possible solutions.

[Puffin]

Check out my post above

The anti-bulling plan should be freely available to parents so check out the school's website

Call the rektor by phone and if he/she is not there leave a message with the admin assistant that you need to speak to the rektor about an urgent bullying issue - they will likely get back to you fast

[Gordy]

Thanks Puffin, I have read the schools anti bullying policy, what little of it there is. It is little more than a paragraph in a larger anti discrimination policy, looks like a box ticking exercise to be honest, but it does claim that the school has an anti bullying team who meet once a week or more frequently if necessary. Will be interesting to see the reaction when I ask for the minutes to any meetings relating to my son.

Anyway the principal isn't in today but I have left a message requesting a meeting.