(edit title) Dealing with bullying 9 y.o. in school. Options

[JulieLou40]

+1

+ another.

But obviously the whole situation has left you with huge deep-seated insecurities if your worries, paranoia and need to boast/ impress on this site are anything to go by

I am actually looking forward to Dave's next post. It's been a while now. C'mon Dave, surely there must be some sweeties in some cupboard somewhere that are annoying you? Or what about the maserati-have you made it kid-friendly yet? I could do with a laugh

[byke]

+ another.I am actually looking forward to Dave's next post. It's been a while now. C'mon Dave, surely there must be some sweeties in some cupboard somewhere that ... (show full quote)

+ another.

I am actually looking forward to Dave's next post. It's been a while now. C'mon Dave, surely there must be some sweeties in some cupboard somewhere that are annoying you? Or what about the maserati-have you made it kid-friendly yet? I could do with a laugh ... (hide full quote)

Online bullying ?

[Snoopy!]

Hey Gordy, sorry to hear of this gutless bullying occurring to your son.
Can I ask how big is your son in stature compared to say the ring leader ? ( there is always a ring leader )
My thinking is he your son needs to plan a rough time & when he is going to show this little $#$% his metal & stand up, make a point & send a clear & concise warning to others.


I have never been a violent person by nature, but thanks to my irish upbringing it was installed into me never back down when you can confidently hold your own.
With those words reinitiating from my father I bought my time for the right moment.
Basically cutting a long story short at the train station when a continuing bully attempted to prevent me from going go my platform to catch the train by grabbing my bag & holding on, I calmly let go of the bag & said he is about to be given a flogging he is not going to forget. He laughed dropped the bag took a swing I ducked & knocked his arse to the ground & said stay down or is there plenty more of that coming.

The bullying came to a complete stop & he also made fruitless attempts at being my friend.
Your son needs confidence & stand his ground when required , this needs to be dealt with now otherwise it could just get worse.
Going to the teachers could also potentially inflame the situation if the bullies catch wind that dad or mum dobbed them in. Basically your son needs to ask what the f$#@%! is this bullies problem & face it head on

[JulieLou40]

I disagree. I think this will make it worse for the OP's son.

OP, I reckon Puffin gave the best advice (as she often does). You need to get the rektor on the phone-and if she gives you the run-around, say you'll be coming down to the school to discuss it with her instead. Let it be known that you expect this to be taken with the utmost seriousness and that you expect the parents of the kids involved in the bullying to get a phonecall informing them what their little darlings have been up to.

Good luck mate, school problems are never a nice situation. We have them all the time with my son. I wish Swedish schools were harder on kids who bully others.

[Shibumi]

Following up on my post from yesterday...

How about signing him up for some sort of martial art classes like Taekwondo? I saw it do wonders for the self-confidence and assertiveness of a friend's 8 year-old son.

First of all, my friend found a Taekwondo academy that has classes based on level, not age... so the entire family signed up as beginners and all of them have been slowly working their ways through the various belts. The boy would not have gone to classes on his own, and the parents needed to re-incorporate exercise into their lives, so this has worked out perfectly. Being able to take the classes with his dad was the clincher. He's now a higher belt than his mom and that's the frosting on the cake! This academy is in the USA, but perhaps they have the same kind of thing here in Sweden.

Secondly, I don't think his new found confidence comes from his increasing ability to kick someone's butt, but rather from working towards and achieving goals in a supportive, inclusive environment. Sure, from the bully's point of view, you'd rather not mess with a kid who can roundhouse kick through a wooden board, but I'm not even sure that his school mates know about the taekwondo. It's all about how my friend's son feels about himself that has made the difference.

What I'm getting at is that I think you can get similar outcomes from activities that are not martial arts and perhaps not even sports based. Look for something you can do together that sets up increasingly challenging goals that give both of you a sense of accomplishment... and stick to it. Few 9-year olds have inner drive, so you may need to push him a bit. Starting something and giving up on it when the going gets tough will set you back immeasurably. While the sense of accomplishment and self worth you get from finally achieving something truly difficult is unmatched. It's hard to get the balance right to find an activity challenging enough to build self worth yet not so difficult that it becomes too discouraging, but you sound like a wonderful father, so I'm sure you'll sort it out.

Good luck!

[Darwinder]

I cant stand this crap. I also was bullied quite a bit as a kid, I was a real late bloomer, didnt start growing until 14 or so but then I didnt stop till 19 and am 196cm and 110kg now but it wasnt so easy as a kid. I think the most important thing to impart to your son is that it doesnt last forever, I know its really hard for 9 year old to understand but you need to make them understand that it all goes away in the end, dont let them suffer it alone, there are to many kids thinking there is only 1 way out.

On top of that, I am not such a fan of martial arts and it will take years to be effective for your son, much rather I would find someone you know that goes to the gym a lot and ask if your son can tag along. Look at joining a strykylyftning klubb in your area, being around those kinds of guys will do wonders for your son, trust me on that. It will give him discipline, confidence and some new friends to lean on. I wish someone would have given my mom that advice when I was a kid.

Best of luck.

[Mo]

Online bullying ?

oh yes

[John.Smith]

+ another.I am actually looking forward to Dave's next post. It's been a while now. C'mon Dave, surely there must be some sweeties in some cupboard somewhere that ... (show full quote)

+ another.




I am actually looking forward to Dave's next post. It's been a while now. C'mon Dave, surely there must be some sweeties in some cupboard somewhere that are annoying you? Or what about the maserati-have you made it kid-friendly yet? I could do with a laugh ... (hide full quote)

Online bullying ?

+1 .... Also ironic considering the thread subject.

Sometimes you take it a little bit too far JulieLou. Hold back the reins a little or if you have a personal issue with Dave take it via a PM.

[Mo]

Hey Gordy, sorry to hear of this gutless bullying occurring to your son. Can I ask how big is your son in stature compared to say the ring leader ? ( there is always a ring le ... (show full quote)

Hey Gordy, sorry to hear of this gutless bullying occurring to your son.
Can I ask how big is your son in stature compared to say the ring leader ? ( there is always a ring leader )
My thinking is he your son needs to plan a rough time & when he is going to show this little $#$% his metal & stand up, make a point & send a clear & concise warning to others.


I have never been a violent person by nature, but thanks to my irish upbringing it was installed into me never back down when you can confidently hold your own.
With those words reinitiating from my father I bought my time for the right moment.
Basically cutting a long story short at the train station when a continuing bully attempted to prevent me from going go my platform to catch the train by grabbing my bag & holding on, I calmly let go of the bag & said he is about to be given a flogging he is not going to forget. He laughed dropped the bag took a swing I ducked & knocked his arse to the ground & said stay down or is there plenty more of that coming.

The bullying came to a complete stop & he also made fruitless attempts at being my friend.
Your son needs confidence & stand his ground when required , this needs to be dealt with now otherwise it could just get worse.
Going to the teachers could also potentially inflame the situation if the bullies catch wind that dad or mum dobbed them in. Basically your son needs to ask what the f$#@%! is this bullies problem & face it head on ... (hide full quote)

might be OK in Ireland, have you never read Bamse or Alfons Åberg - de tycker inte om att slåss
more likely to make a bad situation worse

[Gordy]

+1 ... Also ironic considering the thread subject.. Sometimes you take it a little bit too far JulieLou. Hold back the reins a little or if you have a personal issue with Dave take it via a PM.

Thanks John, this is a serious subject for me and if anyone feels the need for another flame war with Dave then kindly start their own thread and take it there and leave this one on topic for a change.

@Snoopy, the lad is amongst the smallest in his class and definitely smaller and weaker than his tormentors, so whilst he might get lucky with a first punch and break a nose it could just as well be the case that it will he that will get the hiding and that could just open the door to the whole thing getting more physical.

The lad who started the very first of the bullying is pretty far advanced at karate himself and that may have had something to do with my lad wanting to learn.

I am due to take him along to the scouts this evening, a number of his friends already go so I don't think it will be so intimidating for him but I will get there early and sit it out if I am permitted.

I have asked the principal to call me but I don't intend to deal with the matter over the phone, I will hopefully meet in the office and leave them under no illusions that I expect to see action.

I absolutely agree that the action should not be targeted on his tormentors as that will only make the situation worse for him in the long run, it needs to be a case of him handling any situations that arise himself, not just running to tell teacher.

I think it is a good idea to find some activity that we can both do together, he has expressed an interest in Archery and 10 pin bowling both sports where we could compete pretty much as equals, I know both are available at the local sports hall so I must investigate further.

[JulieLou40]

Thanks John, this is a serious subject for me and if anyone feels the need for another flame war with Dave then kindly start their own thread and take it there and leave this ... (show full quote)

Thanks John, this is a serious subject for me and if anyone feels the need for another flame war with Dave then kindly start their own thread and take it there and leave this one on topic for a change. ... (hide full quote)

To give this the bare minimum reply (because I didn't intend to hijack the thread, thanks): I agree this is a serious subject, but think what was said by me to dave in passing is being taken a little too seriously. It's nowhere near what others have said to the same guy...and no-one went on about those...

Anyway, moving on, you will see I also left a post where I agreed bullying is an awful thing. But IMHO trying to get your kid to be physical back, is a mistake, because that will only serve to inflame things further, and if he's the quiet, gentle sort, then he'll get a pummelling, poor fella. Trust me, you don't want to spend the night in hospital with your kid because it got out of hand. Plain talking to the rektor (and the threat of a complaint to skolverket if it isn't sorted, like puffin said) is the best way to go.

As I said in my previous post-Good Luck. I hope you get it sorted.

[Coolrunnings]

Best solution is to get a transfer for your son to another school.

Swedish culture and system favours the bullies in the school and workplace, that a fact.

[Gordy]

But IMHO trying to get your kid to be physical back, is a mistake, because that will only serve to inflame things further,

Then you either didn't read or didn't understand when I said...

@Snoopy, the lad is amongst the smallest in his class and definitely smaller and weaker than his tormentors, so whilst he might get lucky with a first punch and break a nose i ... (show full quote)

@Snoopy, the lad is amongst the smallest in his class and definitely smaller and weaker than his tormentors, so whilst he might get lucky with a first punch and break a nose it could just as well be the case that it will he that will get the hiding and that could just open the door to the whole thing getting more physical. ... (hide full quote)

..that I was politely pointing out to Snoopy that I didn't think getting physical was a wise course of action.

Any question of him going to martial arts training is about boosting his self confidence. Isn't the first thing they tell you in karate class that you shouldn't use any of the moves outside of the class? I certainly have no desire to see him drop kicking everyone in the school yard who says boo to him.

@Coolrunnings The situation is really not on that level yet and I would much prefer to deal with the situation head on and get it resolved rather than running away from it. Besides even if he were to transfer to another school at this stage 3 years down the road they will all be back together again in the next level of school so it could only possibly be a short term fix and might create more problems than it solves.

[Richard Head]

== I would be tempted to make sure my son learned proper self defense. Judo and Jiu Jitsu are sports, not self defense.==

I kindly take issue with this minor detail. If Jiu-Jitsu or Judo are not "proper self-defense" then why is it that any MMA fighter who is worth his/her salt, always has either of these martial arts as a base? Check out how Brazilian Jiu-jitsu does vs other arts in street fights or challenge matches on you tube.

[Svensksmith]

Having been involved in both arts as well as TKD and Karate, I can speak with some degree of authority. Of course, you are welcome to disagree. MMA is not "street" fighting where there are no rules. Judo (a sport developed from Jiu Jitsu which involves mostly throws and some grappling) and BJJ (which is what most Jiu Jitsu is today and mostly involves ground fighting and submissions) have rules and referees. Not saying that that some of the techniques learned from these sports won't apply in certain situations but often the techniques have been softened as to not hurt the participants too severly. Also, some techniques just don't apply in an actual real world fight. I would never, for example, go to the ground with an opponent on the street if I could avoid it. Especially if there were multiple attackers. If I were to study an art for self defense, I think I would gravitate to Krav Maga or something along those lines.

But I digress, this is off the topic.

I will mention that my youngest daughter faced a bullying problem in middle school by a gang of nasty girls. My wife and I had a talk with our daughter but did not involve the parents of the gang or the school. My daughter navigated through the problem herself and grew to be a poised and confident young lady. However, not all kids have that inner strength and there has been cases where adolescents have become so despondant that they have committed suicide. This is not a situation to take lightly.

I think the main issue is how to help the young lad learn how to deal with bullies. Martial arts can help with confidence. So can sports such as wrestling. Talking to the principal to make him/her aware of the problem isn't necessarily bad, but the teachers cannot be there every minute to protect every student. It's just a sad fact of life that there are bullies out there, and not just at school but later in life, too. He may as well learn to stand up to them now.