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Step child's manners

How to deal with child who doesnt respect you

carl785
post 23.Jan.2013, 03:19 PM
Post #1
Joined: 23.Jan.2013

Hej!

I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask advice or suggestions about how to deal with step child who misbehaves. I'm newly married and my husband had relationship when he was a teenager and resulted a child unfortunately. This child is now 12 years old and lives with his mother. First time I met him, he was acting like he is 5 years old, jumping on his father's back, screaming and wanting to sleep with his father. I said to myself, it's not big deal, he is only here 2 days, so let him sleep with his father. However, he has been here for couple of times, the longest he has been here was 2 weaks. Next time he was here my husband made it clear that he is a big boy now and he can sleep in his own room. By the way, he is sleeps on his own when he is with his mother. The child came another time, he was acting the same, he has no manners, whatever he wants he must get it. The child will not go sleep on his own, my husband must put him to sleep and leave him after the child falls asleep. Sometimes he gets up 3am or early morning and comes to our room and goes under my husband's arm who still sleeping the same bed as me. My husband can't spend a minute with me and I can't even ask anything because the child is constantly interrupting us. If my husband sits beside me he says come sit with me why are you sitting with her. If my husband tries to tell me something or ask me something the child gets angry. The child doesn't respect me as adult, he thinks I'm his age group. The child is constantly asking us if we are going to have kids and he gets uncomfortable when we answer him yes. I'm thinking 12 years old shouldnt behave like that, and the child should understand the difference between an adult and child. I talked to my husband and he says the child was never been like this when he had him. My husband says the child's mother isnt descipline him and she is careless about his behaviour.

My husband is great, he loves me very much but his child drives me nuts. Did anyone deal with similar situations, how did you overcome. I will appreciated any advice or suggestions. Thank
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intrepidfox
post 23.Jan.2013, 03:27 PM
Post #2
Location: Gothenburg
Joined: 18.Jul.2012

I do not know how long you have been together but the problem usually is that the child loves both his mother and father and wants his family whole again. Do not give up it will take time to be accepted.
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johnjohn
post 23.Jan.2013, 03:32 PM
Post #3
Joined: 10.Dec.2010

Hmmm...
 
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Migga
post 23.Jan.2013, 03:32 PM
Post #4
Joined: 26.Jul.2011

QUOTE (carl785 @ 23.Jan.2013, 03:19 PM) *
Hej!I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask advice or suggestions about how to deal with step child who misbehaves. I'm newly married and my husband had rel ... (show full quote)


I don`t know you but it sounds as if thes kid loves his father very much and perhaps he thinks, or his mother has convinced him, that you are taking him away.
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intrepidfox
post 23.Jan.2013, 03:40 PM
Post #5
Location: Gothenburg
Joined: 18.Jul.2012

QUOTE (johnjohn @ 23.Jan.2013, 03:32 PM) *
Hmmm...


Your normal childness.
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John.Smith
post 23.Jan.2013, 03:50 PM
Post #6
Location: Sweden
Joined: 12.Sep.2011

Not unusual behaviour for a child that is used to getting his own way for the past 12 years. That coupled with the onset of puberty will make this a tough one.

You need to set your ground-rules both with your husband and your step child. Do not expect your husband to do all the work on this one as he will always carry a certain level of guilt with him about the divorce.

Tell him what your expecations are behaviour-wise, find out what he will agree to, and start to enforce them. Your husband must however back you all of the way 100%.

The kid will grow out of the childish behaviour and start asserting himself in a more aggressive manner (hormones etc..) so best get cracking!
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Yorkshireman
post 23.Jan.2013, 04:10 PM
Post #7
Joined: 22.Nov.2011

QUOTE (carl785 @ 23.Jan.2013, 03:19 PM) *
I talked to my husband and he says the child was never been like this when he had him. My husband says the child's mother isnt descipline him and she is careless about his behaviour.

It is easy to blame the mother! ... but that doesn't sound like what it is. The childs world was thrown upside-down, and secretly they always wish for their parents to get back together. Your presence has made that more unlikely. The other thing is that the child obviously wants his dad to show that He still loves Him... hence the behaving like a child, wanting to be center of attention, being put to bed, interupting You when talking to your husband... the child just wants the love confirming. The insecurity is also highlighted by the questions regarding whether you will have more children, again, the child is scared that his dad will love the other children more, and also spend more time with them, if there comes any.

Your Husband needs to show that He loves His son, and also show the child that He loves You. In addition to that, the hard part from Your side is to show the child that You are not taking His dad away from Him ...the child, in His eyes, has already partly lost His father ...He needs the security of knowing His father is there for Him, together with You.

Do Fun things all 3 together smile.gif ...why not You and the Child also try doing small things together also, just the 2 of You wink.gif to build the relationship.
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Pursuivant
post 23.Jan.2013, 04:24 PM
Post #8
Joined: 12.Aug.2008

Sounds very "classic". OK, so previously the kid has had more or less dad's undivided attention when visiting. The fear of abandonment etc. has been there which explains the clinginess. I guess the previous girlfriends in between haven't been as "serious" as marriage is now a threat so the clinginess and going back to a 5-year old to get daddys attention is evident.

Of course the mother will probably object and the father might not see it necessary, but I would suggest you all take a few sessions with a "barnpsykolog" or a family therapist. Otherwise the situation can get quite nerve-wrecking (as it is already for you). Once the kid realizes that "daddy loves you as much still" and isn't going to "abandon" him due to you, or a new baby, then things should start working out.

Thats about as much kitchen psychology I got to give on this.
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skogsbo
post 23.Jan.2013, 05:49 PM
Post #9
Joined: 20.Sep.2011

I would skip the therapy. However, I think the child should have some time with just his dad, why not? In return though, the child needs to learn that things have changed, many of the issues could stem from the kids mum, without know what her input is, you could have a tough battle ahead. If funds allow, why not redecorate the room he stays in with you, you all go out, pick the colours, everyone helps do it together etc..

A bit of staging a situation might also help, perhaps whilst he is with you both one weekend, something crops up for half a day and his dad needs to go somewhere, you then take the kid to zoo, sports game or something similar that is fun. He will see there is a positive side and benefit to you, you text your husband when things are going well, Dad appears midway through the day at the zoo, thus happy family outing. Might take a few goes, but happy secure kids adjust to many changes. It's getting the happy and secure bit sorted that matters.

There might be other issues involved, not just being on the brink of his teen years, school issues? Has his mum met some else too? etc. perhaps the stress is on both sides and he just wants life back like it was X number of years ago.

EDIT - grandparents might also be beneficial if brought on side.
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Pursuivant
post 23.Jan.2013, 06:26 PM
Post #10
Joined: 12.Aug.2008

The therapy is more for the parents than the kid wink.gif
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olga118
post 23.Jan.2013, 07:58 PM
Post #11
Joined: 27.Jan.2012

The problem isn't between you and the child. The problem is between you and your husband.
You state that your husband's prior relationship resulted in a child "unfortunately". The fact that you see this as unfortunate may have something to do with your feelings.
Blending a family is never easy. There are significant changes in everyone's life. Adults are better equipped emotionally to cope with these changes.
My advice is to talk to your husband about the things that are bothering you (when the child is not there) and come up with a plan so that you can all (as a family, with the child there) sit down and set some parameters.
Having lived the dream I do not envy your position. Good luck.
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Gamla Hälsingebock
post 23.Jan.2013, 10:48 PM
Post #12
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

QUOTE (johnjohn @ 23.Jan.2013, 04:32 PM) *
Hmmm...

You may have a point there...first day/join post...need help, etc..

First name Carl????

So can he/she be called a home wrecker? laugh.gif
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John.Smith
post 24.Jan.2013, 08:16 AM
Post #13
Location: Sweden
Joined: 12.Sep.2011

QUOTE (olga118 @ 23.Jan.2013, 07:58 PM) *
The problem isn't between you and the child. The problem is between you and your husband. You state that your husband's prior relationship resulted in a child "un ... (show full quote)

Good point... I wonder if the OP needs to consider if there is mutual respect? If not, then it is a two way thing that needs development. On re-reading the post it kinds feels that the kid and OP are jealous of each other.

Also, you need to get your husband to accept and understand that there is an issue that needs to be resolved.
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carl785
post 24.Jan.2013, 12:54 PM
Post #14
Joined: 23.Jan.2013

QUOTE (John.Smith @ 23.Jan.2013, 03:50 PM) *
Not unusual behaviour for a child that is used to getting his own way for the past 12 years. That coupled with the onset of puberty will make this a tough one. You need to set ... (show full quote)

As of now, I havent set any rules because my husband thinks I should talk him if there is something wrong before talking to the child. I think this is a problem and I don't want the child to be disrespectful. I'm going to come up with rules and ideas that will work for all of us and the child will respect that.

Thank you for your suggestions.
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carl785
post 24.Jan.2013, 01:38 PM
Post #15
Joined: 23.Jan.2013

QUOTE (Yorkshireman @ 23.Jan.2013, 04:10 PM) *
It is easy to blame the mother! ... but that doesn't sound like what it is. The childs world was thrown upside-down, and secretly they always wish for their parents to ... (show full quote)

My husband tries to show he loves both of us but the child doesn't want that. For instance when my husband holds my hand the child comes from the otherside of my husband, wraping around and says my dady, my dady. It feels strange but I ignore it. I try to go to the movies, show interests about things he like, and I even suggest playing some sort of sports he likes. Each time has been dissappointment.

QUOTE (Pursuivant @ 23.Jan.2013, 04:24 PM) *
Sounds very "classic". OK, so previously the kid has had more or less dad's undivided attention when visiting. The fear of abandonment etc. has been there which ... (show full quote)

I really try to be kind and nice, and my husband tries to show he loves him. But he wants things to be the way it used to be (before he married me) and also wants my husband to move to the city he lives with his mother.

QUOTE (skogsbo @ 23.Jan.2013, 05:49 PM) *
I would skip the therapy. However, I think the child should have some time with just his dad, why not? In return though, the child needs to learn that things have changed, man ... (show full quote)

I try 3 of us to get involve but each time it leaves me feelings unhappy with his behaviour. Now i'm getting to the point where I dont want to do any activity when he is here. His mother had relationsip that yet results another baby and not together with the father. So you can imagine what kind of mother she is. If one can't have stable relationship than you figure out how they are raising kids.
QUOTE (olga118 @ 23.Jan.2013, 07:58 PM) *
The problem isn't between you and the child. The problem is between you and your husband. You state that your husband's prior relationship resulted in a child "un ... (show full quote)

I have no problem with my husband. Problem starst when the child is around. I said "unfortunately" because teenage love resulting child is not responsible.

QUOTE (Gamla Hälsingebock @ 23.Jan.2013, 10:48 PM) *
You may have a point there...first day/join post...need help, etc... First name Carl????. So can he/she be called a home wrecker? laugh.gif

You are really funny. How can I be home wrecker when they were not married first place and separated for good when the child was 5 years.

QUOTE (John.Smith @ 24.Jan.2013, 08:16 AM) *
Good point... I wonder if the OP needs to consider if there is mutual respect? If not, then it is a two way thing that needs development. On re-reading the post it kinds feels ... (show full quote)

QUOTE (carl785 @ 24.Jan.2013, 12:54 PM) *
As of now, I havent set any rules because my husband thinks I should talk him if there is something wrong before talking to the child. I think this is a problem and I don' ... (show full quote)
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