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Warning to all Sambo relationships with Swedes !

Now I can't see my child except a few hours a week

Lanza572
post 21.Jan.2014, 07:14 PM
Post #1
Joined: 13.Dec.2012

I thought after all the help everyone gave me back last year whilst I was in UK after being seperated from my Sambo that I would give an update to my situation.

I returned to Sweden 5th December 2013. I am only permitted to see my son 5 hours once a week( for the last 2 weeks, before that it was 2 hours per week) of which a total of just over an hour is spent travelling back and forth to my son's mothers place and of course shoes and coats on and off.

She has told me I must go to court for any other visitation or other type of custody to which she has full.

I think she had decided to end our relationship as soon as she could after moving back to sweden as she took full custody of our son when we signed into Skatterverket...she could have made it joint there and then as I THOUGHT she was doing, but not speaking swedish...she evidently didn't.

Then we moved to an apartment and yet more excuses for NOT putting me on the agreement contract with her and her sister as her sister used her points to get the place with the local Bostäder.

Then I bought a car which ended up in her sisters name so that went as well.

And now she has informed me she doesn't want any contact with me at all other than she will email me once a week to let me know what is happening in my son's life and nursery etc.

I live on my own, no friends, no family and must admit this is not living. I love my son more than I can put into words and before anyone judges any bad decisions on my behalf, remember I was in what I thought was a good relationship so therefore I trusted my then fiance.

SAMBO - Common law man and wife as it used to be in the UK when you have children if you haven't checked you will find that the mother will get full custody and if you end up like me, you will have to go to court.

I am now struggling for cash as the social say that MIgrationsverket haven't made a decision about my residency as I was living here because I was living with my swedish fiance. Now i have to get them to sort out my permit for me to live here with my son...not the end of the world but until that is sorted no income support for me.

There are other issues going on which aren't that important but for me to say, be warned if coming to sweden with a swedish sambo as they believe once a time is over with a person they WILL move on and forget about you...unless you have a cast iron relationship or are married then cross your T's and dot your I's.

It is very difficult to have a lot of time on your hands when nothing satisfies your needs to do something as all you can think about is spending time with your child. This is the toughest thing I have ever done in my life.

Why isn't everything sorted out yet you may well ask...I am waiting for my Legal Aid application to get a yes or no for going to court. If I had the spare cash I would have paid the lawyer the first week I got here.

So be careful and make sure EVERYTHING is translated for you if you don't speak the lingo straight off the bat. Remember it's all about trust but, you ARE in a foreign country and the laws are similar and yet very different from where you come from...probably. So don't take anything for granted and if you are in a loving relationship then your fiance or wife won't mind translating for you.
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Valdemaratterdag
post 21.Jan.2014, 09:54 PM
Post #2
Joined: 27.May.2010

QUOTE (Lanza572 @ 21.Jan.2014, 06:14 PM) *
There are other issues going on which aren't that important but for me to say, be warned if coming to sweden with a swedish sambo as they believe once a time is over with ... (show full quote)


I feel for you. But it's the same if you're married, as I found out with my wife. When it's over, as you say, they will move on and forget. I've never in my life, in any relationship in the states, found someone that can dump someone else so completely, so quickly, and she announced she had a new boyfriend before the ink on the divorce papers had dried.

Thank god we didn't have children.
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Cheeseroller2
post 22.Jan.2014, 08:43 AM
Post #3
Joined: 4.Jul.2009

This is not about Swedes - it about you having blind trust and being led by the nose, presumably because of your youth or inexperience. Anyone who has been in a few serious relationships knows how damn tricky women can be and are silently capable of planning their exit from a relationship for months if not years - which is why men are usually blindsided (although many would admit the signs were there if they had looked) and few women leave a relationship financially worse off then when they entered it.

Putting 100% trust with the potential detriment to yourself is beyond stupid - especially knowing that the majority of relationships fail. Moving to a new country and not finding out what the divorce / samba laws are is also extremely unwise - although nearly everyone does it.

This could happen in any country and also the man could be the dishonest partner - next time you see an office cleaner, cleaner on the ferries or meet someone who wipes the asses of the old in Sweden, ask her if she moved for love and expected to do such a menial job. The chances are she had a good job in her own country and is highly educated.

One thing you can be happy about - if she had taken on personal loans while you were a sambo couple, then on separation you would have been 50% responsible for the loans. My ex- tried that trick on me except I lawyered up and we found out the loans both pre- and post-dated our relationship.

My personal advice. You are on a loser here. Go back to the UK and rebuild your life. Make a career and get some money together. Every year come to Sweden and take your child a few weeks during your holiday. Try to do something new with them so that those memories are yours! Later if you want maybe you can get a job in Sweden but don't move before you have a contract!

Call the child every week on Skype and every now and again send them a present by post - all these things show you care and are thinking about them. As they grow older they will understand your love and eventually they will understand your situation.

Lots of kids grow up with absent fathers (army, fishermen, etc) - that isn't what causes the damage. The damage is caused when the parents don't care and the child feels unloved. You have to show your love!

One of my boys was 4 years when I moved to Sweden. He's now 19 and studying to be a lawyer despite having dyslexia. He's got a great humour, many friends and is a well balanced young adult, and we have a good relationship - despite the distance while he grew up. He and my youngest son from my second marriage are also now great friends - it's amazing how life will work out if you take care.

Good luck.
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djmarko
post 22.Jan.2014, 09:40 AM
Post #4
Location: Stockholm
Joined: 18.Jan.2007

What were you thinking when all these things were happening right under your nose? swedish or no Swedish, this can likely happen everywhere, even in the UK as well, seems like your ex out thought you here, if she wanted both of you to have joint custody, she would have made this adamant right from the word go, including filling in the correct document at skatt amongst other places, its just a shame that she is using the kid against you, these types of things need to be settled outside the court system for visitation rights, fair enough i understand you want to be close to your kid but to get the respect of your ex its better to move back to the UK and get your life back on track so you can get your self confidence back and maybe a good job and a decent income, who knows she might have met someone else and just wants to forget about her previous relationship, sometimes life is harsh, you learn the hard way but i think it is equally important for you to get your life back on track

good luck!!!
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skogsbo
post 22.Jan.2014, 10:34 AM
Post #5
Joined: 20.Sep.2011

Cheeseroller makes some good points. You already stated you gain little from your visits. Get a job , in the UK , bank some cash and a good lawyer will get you 50% visitation for the kids holidays, plus many whole weekends. But, you will need to prove you are adult now , as you did go a little off track when you split.

After your special holidays - make a calendar every year with the photos, its a continuous enforcement then etc.
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trumanshow
post 22.Jan.2014, 04:30 PM
Post #6
Joined: 8.Aug.2012

I haven't been in your experience but I would second (rather third) whats been said above. You seem to find yourself in an impossible situation in Sweden which is eventually going to destroy you personally. You can't give your life away. I would also suggest that ultimately your relationship with your child is going to suffer as your ex continues to get the better of the situation. It might well be the case that she successfully paints you as someone not worth knowing in the future and you will have really made a mess of your life - wasted time, career for no return. Its not hard to make the decision but you are far better off accepting the facts and getting on with your life. Go home, get a job, travel back and forward every month or so with a little dignity. The signs are that this is not going to end well for you if you stay in Sweden.
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Lanza572
post 22.Jan.2014, 05:34 PM
Post #7
Joined: 13.Dec.2012

Thanks for the replies you all make sense.

I am 44 years old and have lived a very sociable life. The best thing that's ever happened in my life is my son. I have done the things in my life I've wanted to and the last remaining task for me is bringing up my son.

I came back to sweden as my son stopped talking with me on skype and a trip over here is nearly £1000.00, so coming over every month is out of the question.

I understand everything you are all saying. Yes I have had a couple of hiccups which were errors on my behalf...everything is so easy to see after it's happened.

So I will push on for a little longer and see what the courts say, I think visitation will increase and all will be good. If not, then yes, I will have to re think what the future holds for me and my son.
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skogsbo
post 22.Jan.2014, 05:43 PM
Post #8
Joined: 20.Sep.2011

I'll add that I get the impression the child is still young? 3,4,5 ... sacrifice a little time now getting your job and life together, then the joint custody through the courts etc... and you'll have the time, the access and the money to spend quality time with your son as he grows up. By the time they are 10, they'll barely remember the early years. Plus if you have a job, income etc. your ex. will see how you look more responsible in court and it will make it a much tougher fight for her, she might just concede and save you some legal costs.

£1000, from the UK, we can fly the whole tribe (2+2) and hire a car for that money for a couple of weeks?

Perhaps you just need another month or two, on your current path to feel like you give it a reasonable go? Which is fair enough.
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Lanza572
post 22.Jan.2014, 06:41 PM
Post #9
Joined: 13.Dec.2012

My son is 3. She has a new guy that my son will take advice from in these first few very important years...my son is Welsh not Swedish.

My son will already be listening to this guy as they speak the same language...my son says daddy daddy! Then nothing as he knows I don't understand him...very frustrating for us both.

If I leave his mother will make sure if hears only Swedish and therefore my son and I will move further apart. This is a very important time in my sons development, we had a strong bond which I must get back for the both of us.

I will make this work, the only thing to stop me will be the system...which is actually on my side. Will know more end of this week.
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Lanza572
post 22.Jan.2014, 06:57 PM
Post #10
Joined: 13.Dec.2012

To add to what I have just said, my son would never do as his mother asked, but would always listen and do what his daddy asked.

By the time we get into the car from my place my son changes, he goes from being bright and bubbly and becomes quiet and stayed.

It's almost like someone reaches in and pulls out his character and personality. I noticed this immediately the first time I saw him back in december. Not nice.

After 4 visits or more he started to be as he used to be with me...what I would say is his real self. The boy who has grown up thus far with his own way of doing things...that's the way he should always be.
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trumanshow
post 22.Jan.2014, 09:58 PM
Post #11
Joined: 8.Aug.2012

You sound like someone who is intuitive and lives by his emotions. I would say I am the same. I think they are good characteristics but without wishing to be too harsh they are the sort of characteristics that will get you screwed over time and time again. There is no way that you can fully understand another human being and what you seem to be doing is projecting what you want to be the case on to your son. You could just as easily say that your son is disturbed by the situation that you, in part, are creating. One thing I have understood through living in Sweden is that Swedish people are as far from naive as you could possibly be. They huddle in small groups and are desensitised to people outside of those groups. There is no emotional justice here and it seems to be that is what you are looking for. You won't find it. Swedish people are people with families and a few long standing friendships and the rest is a social responsibility that is governed by the rules. If I was with a partner from somewhere else I wouldn't consider and have never really considered the eventuality of splitting up. Its something that happens on the road of life. Being with a Swedish person you have to know that that huddle will immediately close to you and they will want you to disappear. They are awkward and cold at the best of times. You say you have done all you want at 44 but that doesn't really ring true. You are 'young'. No offense but i would say that if you are potless and living in Sweden at that age there are things you NEED to do. For the sake of your son. It also seems that you are asking for advice yet convincing yourself according to the way you feel. Some people say 'follow your heart' but anyone knows that you should rarely do that. Its rollocks.
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Lanza572
post 22.Jan.2014, 10:12 PM
Post #12
Joined: 13.Dec.2012

I just want my son to be himself again...all of the time.

I would never try and make my child into someone he is not, for any reason.

And you're correct...Swedish people are in a class of their own.

As I've said, I will give this everything until it's time to move in a different direction...which I hope doesn't happen.
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ChocOwl
post 22.Jan.2014, 10:48 PM
Post #13
Location: Södermanland
Joined: 17.Jan.2011

http://www.pappamanualen.se

Might be a useful site for you but it's in Swedish only.
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Lanza572
post 22.Jan.2014, 10:56 PM
Post #14
Joined: 13.Dec.2012

QUOTE (ChocOwl @ 22.Jan.2014, 10:48 PM) *
http://www.pappamanualen.se. Might be a useful site for you but it's in Swedish only.

Thanks I shall take a look wink.gif
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Gamla Hälsingebock
post 23.Jan.2014, 12:01 AM
Post #15
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

A bit of long range/time wind-up me thinks???

But a good one!

Why should he keep us informed???

So detailed???

As if we could change life for him!!!

What does he want???
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