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INTRODUCING

Introducing… Katrin Zytomierska

Meet Katrin Zytomierska, the outspoken television personality who spent most of last month insulting people and getting her name all over the front pages.

Introducing... Katrin Zytomierska

Who is she and why is she famous?

Katrin Zytomierska is Sweden’s new queen of mean. Whatever she says, there will be headlines. Whatever she does, there will be blood.

Sounds dramatic. What exactly does she do?

She is currently a presenter on Idol Eftersnack, a much-needed conversational complement to the pop idol concept. But she only held onto the job by the skin of her teeth after a series of remarks that showed all the tact of a Javan stink badger in an olde English tea house.

Sounds like a lass with a pungent sting in the tail. What sort of stuff has she said?

She has called contestants names that would make even the Simonest of Cowells blanch. One somewhat rotund and barefoot performer was told that, though she was “disgusting”, she could at least reckon with “the fatso vote”.

A supersized insult if ever there was one.

Yes, but she saved the real Big Mac for the first gent to be voted off the show. Already on the brink of tears, the chap’s mood wasn’t helped by being referred to by Zytomierska as “a little bit too gay”.

Ouch. That can’t have gone down well with the producers.

It certainly did not. TV4 told her she could clear her desk and leave the way she came. But since she had arrived there through being incredibly outspoken and a viewer magnet, she was quickly slipped back in the back door.

Presumably she calmed down somewhat after all that strife?

Not at all. She was only getting started. The straw that broke the badger’s back came in the form of a post on her blog, the tastefully titled Fuck You Right Back.

Wow, she really is a touch of class, this lady. So who got the Fuck You Right Back treatment then?

A gentleman by the name of Marcus Birro – football pundit, poet and all round Italian-Swedish recovering alcoholic. Zytomierska said Marcus didn’t like Jews much, whereupon Birro had several kittens, a hernia and a fit. The whole thing was splashed all over the tabloid front pages, as October was further scarred with the mark of the Z.

But why did she have a go at this Birro bloke?

It all stemmed from a beef Birro had with one of the Schulmans.

One of the Whomans?

The Schulman brothers, Alex and Calle. Zytomierska was sort of married to Alex, and Birro once blasted Calle for his supposed Jewish elitism, even though neither of the Schulmans are Jewish to the best of anybody’s knowledge. In a country obsessed with pop cultural blogging heads, none have managed to divide and conquer as effectively as the omnipotent Schulmans. And Zytomierska, as we already know, was sort of married to one of them.

Like I’m sort of married to Scarlett Johansson?

No, they got a bit further than that. They jetted off to Poland to exchange vows and were made man and wife.

Poland? Why not Sweden

Because there was one slight impediment to the union: the fair Alex already had a wife in Sweden. But that’s all sorted now. Alex and Katrin split up earlier this year so it never really became an issue.

Right. And what’s happened since the split? Has she gone all sulky and hit the burgers and fries?

No, Zytomierska is a lean, mean quote machine. And she’s keeping herself very much in shape after taking up with a fellow called Rickard Nordstrand, a kick boxing champ she met on the set of the TV show You Are What You Eat.

A diet-friendly date. Lucky old her. And does this Nordstrand customer have any strong convictions?

Yes, one for doping and three for assault.

ROYAL

Introducing… Camilla Henemark

Introducing... is The Local's guide to Swedish celebrity. In this installment David Landes gives the lowdown on Camilla Henemark - the busty pop-queen whose alleged affair with the king has once again put her in the spotlight.

Introducing... Camilla Henemark

So, who exactly is this woman and why is she in all the papers.

Yes. Well, where to begin. There isn’t much that Camilla Henemark hasn’t done: photo model, pop star, political activist, actress…lover to the king.

In the mid-1990s she hosted her own erotic television programme “Seventh Heaven” (‘Sjunde himlen’) and appeared on the spring 2012 season of “Let’s Dance”, Sweden’s version of “Dancing with the Stars”

She is also the author of a soon-to-be published autobiography.

Whoa, back up there. Lover to the king? Which king?

Well, the King of Sweden of course: Carl XVI Gustaf. At least according to Henemark, who was born in Stockholm to a Nigerian father and Swedish mother.

So is that why she’s making headlines these days? I mean, the king is a happily married man, right?

Easy there cowboy, one thing at a time. Henemark’s current round of headline-making stems primarily from her forthcoming book, “Adjö det ljuva livet” (‘Goodbye, sweet life’) in which the busty 47-year-old former face of the band Army of Lovers reportedly devotes page after page revealing her own army of lovers, including the king as well as a battalion of other well-known Swedes.

Army of Lovers? Wait a minute…weren’t they…

…big like 20 years ago? Yes. The band was founded in the late 80s and had a number of hits, with 1991’s “Crucified” hitting number one on the European charts. Here’s a video if you need to refresh your memory:

Ah, yes…that was all well and good, but let’s get back to the good stuff. What’s this about her getting down and dirty with King Carl?

Right. Well, reports about a fling between Henemark and the king first emerged almost two years ago with the publication of “Carl XVI Gustaf – Den motvillige monarken” (‘Carl XVI Gustaf – The reluctant monarch’), an unauthorized tell-all biography about the king and a number of alleged affairs, including one with La Camilla, is she is also known.

In her new book, Henemark says the affair lasted about 18 months and took place around the turn of the millennium.

So this was more than just some one-night stand?

According to Henemark it was, although exactly how hot and heavy things may have gotten remains unclear. She says she and the king were “very fond of one another” and saw each other weekly when the relationship was at its most intense.

In the book, she tells of one steamy meet-up which evolved into a sort of food fight.

“The king liked to gorge himself on sushi and cake,” she writes in the book, according to the tabloid Expressen.

I think I just lost my appetite.

Sorry to hear that, because I almost forgot to tell you about another food-related episode that put Henemark in the spotlight just last week.

Please…spare me.

Sorry…you asked, so I’m telling. Last week, Henemark was at the centre of another royal controversy – although not by choice. The dust up stemmed from a work of art depicting the King Carl XVI Gustaf eating pizza off the body of a naked and prone Henemark.

First sushi. Now pizza. Please, make it stop.

Well, let’s get back to those lovers, shall we.

Actually, I’m not sure…

Well, to use Henemark’s own words: “there isn’t anything or anyone that I haven’t tasted” she says in her new book.

“Young and old. Men as well as women. Counts as well as hooligans. Everything needs to be explored. I want to have it all,” she writes.

Okay, okay. I get the picture. But does she name any names.

Apparently yes. Names which have emerged so far include former boxing pro and TV personality Paolo Roberto, former hockey great Börje Salming, crooner Tommy Körberg; and rapper Dogge Doggelito. It should be noted, though that the degree of intimacy Henemark reached with these and others named in varied widely.

And what does the king have to say about all this?

Not much really. When the tell-all book about him came out in 2010, he told reporters he wanted to “turn the page” but never flat out addressed the rumoured affair which Henemark has more or less now confirmed in her new book.

And this time around, the king isn’t saying anything more until after the book comes out.

So, I guess we can expect a few more headlines next week when this juicy tome hits bookstore shelves?

I’d say that’s a safe bet.

David Landes

Follow David Landes on Twitter

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