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Five rules for dating in Sweden

So you've made it to Sweden. You've learned the language basics, you're always on time, and you remember to take off your shoes. So now what? Here it is, what you've all been waiting for - an introduction to dating in Sweden.

Five rules for dating in Sweden

Swedes have a reputation for being beautiful. But they can also be difficult to get to know. For those from more outspoken, talkative cultures, Swedes may be a mystery.

Each and every person is unique of course, but if you're hoping to sneak onto the Swedish dating scene, there are some basic guidelines you should follow. Here are the top five.

1. Make a move


Don't just stare – start a casual conversation and ask them out for fika!

The first step of Swedish dating is don't be shy. Girls, if you're waiting around for that hot guy from class to ask you out, chances are that he won't. And it's not because he's not into you – it's because of gender equality. In Sweden, there is no reason why the girl shouldn't make the first move.

But remember, the same thing applies for guys. If you like a Swedish girl, just go for it and ask her out. Regardless of gender, it's worth making the first move when trying to date a Swede – because they probably won't.

2. Don't call it a date


They may be in love, but it's not a date. It's just fika.

One of the most important and most confusing things about dating in Sweden is that it's not dating. So don't call it a date.You can ask out a classmate for fika, but not a date.

After you've had fika a couple of times you can move on to other activities. Maybe suggest cooking a meal together or going ice skating. Dinner and movie won't come until much later – but even then, call it dinner and a movie, not 'date'. 

3. Start and end with a hug


Learn how to do a casual Swedish hug. If in need of practice, turn to a tree. There are plenty.

Many cultures greet with a kiss of some manner, perhaps a kiss on the cheek. Honestly, that will creep a Swede out. Don't do it. But Swedes are huge fans of the awkward hug, where you lean in and wrap your arms around each other and then separate again. Each fika 'date' and activity should start and end with a hug.

Don't move on from the hug until it's clear that it's more than fika, and that the feelings are mutual. Kissing is complicated.

4. Be prepared to pay 


Some Swedish girls will appreciate it if you pay- others might be furious.

Those cups of coffee and cinnamon buns sure to add up, we know. It's not cheap. But hey, at least you only have to pay for your own!

Sweden is all about equality, and that includes dating. As a girl, you should never expect the guy to pay. He might offer, but he might not. And guys, feel free to be gentlemanly and offer to pay for the girl – but if she says 'No thanks', she really means it. Do not insist on paying for a girl. 

To Swedes there is absolutely no reason why one person should pay more than the other – so always be prepared to split the bill.

5. It's always exclusive


Seriously, one at a time. You're setting yourself up for trouble if you run into them at the same time!

Okay, this may seem odd since Swedes don't really 'date', they only meet up for fika and activities. But, once you are 'dating' – having fika and hanging out regularly, that is – it is assumed that you are not dating anyone else.

In other words, it's not okay to fika and flirt with multiple people. (Fika with friends is fine.) One Swede at a time, folks! Otherwise you're cheating, even if you haven't actually said you're in a relationship.

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CULTURE

‘Don’t wear bright colours’: Eight tips on how to dress like a Swede

Swedes have an international reputation for dressing well, with Scandi style a popular trend outside Sweden. The Local asked Swedes and foreigners living in Sweden to try and figure out the best tips and tricks for how to dress like a Swede.

'Don't wear bright colours': Eight tips on how to dress like a Swede

Black is best

When asking several Swedes their top-tips on how to dress like a Swede, many agreed – wear black.

Young professional Tove advises to keep it “all black, minimalist”. Uppsala newspaper columnist Moa agrees: “Wear a lot of black clothes and DON’T wear sneakers or ‘comfortable’ shoes, like running shoes, with dresses.”

Black is a neutral colour and, in general, if you get the neutral colours right you have got a long way in following the Swedish style. 

Neutral colours and a lot of knitwear is a good starting point. Photo: FilippaK/imagebank.sweden.se

Stay neutral 

Sweden might be saying goodbye to hundreds of years of neutrality by joining Nato, but Swedish fashion maintains its strong neutral stance when it comes to colour combinations.

Generally speaking, in autumn and winter Swedes tend to wear darker colours, as Sharon put it: “lots of beige, grey, black and ivory knits or wool. Jeans black or any shade of blue. Black tights with white sneakers for skirts and dresses”.

“Swedes in general will wear black and navy together which I’ve not seen before,” she added.

However, as the weather gets warmer, things change, as half-British half-Swedish Erik explained: “in summer/late spring Swedes change shape and personality,” adding a bit more colour to their wardrobe.

“Lots of colours yet still somewhat monochrome,” he said.

Most Swedes don’t wear a tie at work. Photo: Fredrik Sandberg/TT

Follow the news trend, drop the tie

Nils, a reporter and presenter for public broadcaster SVT in western Sweden, does not always wear a tie in front of the camera – and he said his colleagues on national news don’t wear ties either.

“It’s not a must,” he said.

A blue shirt, no tie, top button open, beige chinos and a grey dinner jacket is the look he chose when presenting the evening news a few weeks ago.

Nils Arnell presenting the news on SVT Nyheter Väst. Photo: Nils Arnell/SVT

On a day to day basis Nils, who stressed that he’s “not a fashion expert”, gave the following advice: “As long as you manage to dress in a neat style, you can get away with quite a lot.”

“A white t-shirt and an overshirt work well in most situations and look stylish.”

Stay classy, even in class

Engineering student Erik (not the same Erik quoted previously) recently returned to Sweden from a one-year exchange at Birmingham University, where he noticed a big difference in student style between the two countries.

“The first thing that comes to mind is that on university campus there are so many people wearing work-out clothes, at least where I was”, he said.

“In Sweden, it’s more common to wear jeans than tracksuit bottoms, compared to the UK”. 

It’s also common to see a difference in styles even between departments at Swedish universities. The law and economics departments, for example, tend to wear more formal attire with a higher number of students wearing shirts and polos than, say, social sciences or engineering students.

Many students seem to wear a toned-down version of what they might be expected to wear in their future workplace.

When in doubt, think Jantelagen!

Equality and conformity are important concepts when it comes to many aspects of day-to-day life in Sweden, including the clothes you wear.

This doesn’t mean you have to do exactly the same as everyone else, but more that being too flashy or over-the-top can be frowned upon.

This can be traced back to Jantelagen, “the law of Jante”, a set of 10 rules taken from a satirical novel written by Danish author Aksel Sandemose in the 1930s, which spells out the unwritten cultural codes that have long defined Scandinavia.

Jantelagen discourages individual success and sets average as the goal. It manifests itself in Swedish culture not only with a ‘we are all equal’ ethos but even more so a ‘don’t think you are better than anyone, ever’ mindset.

And this is seen in Swedes’ attitude to clothing, too. Flashy, expensive clothing with obvious logos or brands designed to show off your wealth breaks the first rule of Jantelagen: “You’re not to think you are anything special”.

‘Stealth wealth’

This doesn’t mean that Swedes don’t wear expensive clothes, though. They’re just not in-your-face expensive.

Felix, a podcaster from Stockholm describes it as “stealth wealth”, saying that Swedes would have no problem buying and wearing “a black jacket without any tags for 10,000kr”. 

Despite living in Sweden his whole life, he said that it’s not always easy to get the style right.

“I’m struggling myself,” he admitted.

He suggested taking a look at fashion blogger and journalist Martin Hansson for inspiration on how to dress. 

“Do NOT use bright colours,” Felix added.

Birkenstocks with socks. Photo: Carl-Olof Zimmerman/TT

Footwear

Most of those we asked said that Swedes are a fan of white trainers, most commonly Stan Smiths or Vagabonds.

With the shoes being popular all year round for men and women, this can cause issues at house parties – as Swedes take off their shoes when they come inside.

This inevitably results in confused guests at the end of the night trying to figure out just which pair of white trainers belongs to them – and trying to find one missing shoe the next day because someone accidentally walked away with one of yours is more common than you might think. 

Vans trainers are also popular amongst more alternative crowds (black of course). At work, dress shoes are popular in the winter and loafers or ballerinas in the summer.

In the summer months, you’re likely to see Birkenstock sandals on men and women. Most Swedes wear Birkenstocks without socks – unless they’re off to do their laundry in their building’s tvättstuga.

Birkenstocks are also popular as indoor shoes all-year-round, both at home and at work. It is common to have a “no outdoor shoes” policy in gyms, schools and some offices. This is to avoid bringing a lot of dirt indoors, especially in the winter months when there is snow, rain, grit and salt on the streets.

H&M’s then-CEO Rolf Eriksen wears colourful socks at a press conference in 2006. Photo: Björn Larsson Ask/SvD/SCANPIX/TT

Don’t forget the socks!

As you often take your shoes off indoors in Sweden, your socks are visible.

This has led to an unexpected trend for colourful socks with interesting patterns, which are a great way to break the monotone of neutral colours and conformity by expressing your personality – in a lagom way, of course.

A pair of colourful socks or a playful pattern will get you noticed and likely be a conversation starter at a dinner party.

What’s your best advice for dressing like a Swede? Let us know!

This article is based on the responses we received from Swedes and foreigners in Sweden on what they think you should wear if you want to follow Swedish fashion trends.

If you have any tips of your own which you think we’ve left out, let us know! You can comment on this article, send us an email at [email protected], or get in touch with us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram: @thelocalsweden

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