Snuggling With the Enemy

My Fake Magazine of LIfe in Sweden – by Scott Ritcher, American publisher of a real magazine called K Composite

Archive for September, 2011

You barely like Julia Roberts

Monday, September 26th, 2011

Possibly one or the most amazing and hilarious things I’ve ever seen in my life.

This 56-year-old dude Miljenko from Chile is such a big fan of Julia Roberts that he got a tattoo of her. Then another one. Then another one. I could go on, but just repeat that 79 more times.

Yes, this frickin’ South American dingdong has 82 tattoos of Julia Roberts. Why, that’s just plain loco.

But in your face, Lyle Lovett. No wonder it didn’t work out. Erin Brockovich needs a man who can show some dedication.


This story was reported in Stockholm’s Aftonbladet newspaper which is the world’s most reputable and trusted source for news about people with tons of Julia Roberts tattoos.

Nice of that guy to shave, take a shower and sober up before the guys from the newspaper came over.

What a bummer that he got all these tattoos before he saw “Sex and the City 2.” Now he’s gonna have to get all that sweet ink covered up with pictures of Miranda in a sexy burka.

I’m just kidding. I don’t even know who that is. Okay, well, I know that Miranda is a character from that show and that all girls love that show and that men don’t understand it and they wear ridiculously dated clothes that are supposed to be “high fashion” and that they made a two movies of it and the second one was apparently in such bad taste that they don’t even show it on the 25¢ TVs in the Greyhound bus station and Ferris Bueller’s wife is in it and she bears more than a passing resemblance to Seabiscuit.

Anyway, this guy loves Julia Roberts. Apparently.

You call yourself a fan? Of anything? Okay then, step up to the plate and let’s see 82 tattoos of it that you got when you were totally happy and sane. Like this guy.

Way to go, Miljenko! Making us all look like we hate Julia Roberts.

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Just what you want to see on your ATM

Thursday, September 22nd, 2011

Windows 98. Nothing else exudes the confidence and secure feeling that says your money is safe.


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Airport Swenglish

Sunday, September 18th, 2011

A fine example of the Swenglish language is on the back of this truck at Stockholm Arlanda Airport:

“Söker du parkering? Follow me!”

– or –

“Looking for parking? Följ mig!”


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Kind of expensive for a goof

Thursday, September 15th, 2011

Old phones are funny, but I don’t know. $275 is a lot of money to spend to make everyone laugh when pull out your phone. Twenty bucks maybe.


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Beware of the cat

Monday, September 5th, 2011

I’m not sure what else I can say about this. I mean, it’s just really important that you are wary of this cat.


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Church of Sweden had nothing to do with mass suicide

Friday, September 2nd, 2011

20110829-081557.jpgDespite the “no advertising please” sign that is posted on nearly every door and mailbox in Sweden — including mine — it seems like it’s still okay for the Church of Sweden (Svenska kyrkan) and a number of schools to put their pamphlets through my door.

The picture on the front of this magazine from the church (which shows the shoes of some people kneeling while wearing churchy clothes) immediately reminded me of the Heaven’s Gate cult.

Heaven’s Gate was a California mass suicide in which all the “victims” got saved from the cleansing of the Earth by being beamed up to space.

You see, a lot of people don’t realize this, but the planet Earth was wiped clean in March 1997. The Heaven’s Gate people, thirty-nine of them, laced up their matching Nike Dunk Pro SB sneakers, got in bed, and escaped just in time. You call it mass suicide, I call it a quick getaway to sweet freedom in the sky. We’re quibbling over semantics here.

Either way, Nike couldn’t thank their lucky stars enough for all the free promotion that came out of the event by way of news photos. Just do it, already.


A spaceship, which was following the Hale-Bopp comet (pretty foolproof disguise, actually) collected their souls and whisked them away. Finally, dudes, let’s GTFO.

The method of escape was a delicious pudding, laced with phenobarbital and a vodka chaser. Kool Aid was already taken, so the Gate had to do their own thang.

Once on board the ship, it was quite important that each member took $5.75 along with them. I’m not sure if this was for snacks or what, but this is true, each corpse at the scene in San Diego was found with a five dollar bill and three quarters in their pocket.

Update: Those people are now living in a kickass paradise somewhere a few light years past Orion. Unfortunately, Nike has no distribution in that area, but I hear five bucks goes a long way.

The Church of Sweden is a Lutheran denomination that has nothing to do with Heaven’s Gate – to my knowledge – except that their magazine cover sure looks a lot like some crime scene photos.

It was the country of Sweden’s official church until 2000. Pretty late to lighten up on that one, but Sweden can’t win ’em all.

Money from general taxes still fund the church, though Swedes can opt out when filing their taxes if they don’t wish to support it.

Most people don’t opt out for the simple reason that paying taxes in Sweden is as simple as answering yes or no. When your tax forms come in the mail, all the numbers are already filled in. All you need to do is confirm that the total is correct, which you can do online, by phone, SMS or even the tax agency’s iPhone app. If you want to opt out of giving the church some money, this creates extra steps in the process and – good news for the church – most people just don’t bother.

I didn’t bother opting out either. It took me seven minutes to do my taxes in Sweden this year. My American taxes, however, usually take all afternoon and I still don’t know if I’m doing it right.


The church’s leadership is elected in general elections exactly as the Swedish Parliament. You just have to be a member of the church, a resident of Sweden and over 16 in order to vote.

Their website says that “up to seven million people” are members of the church. Up to? Okay, so it could be five people or it could be 6.99 million. We’re not sure, but it’s definitely no more than seven million.

(Coincidentally, I just bought a washing machine today and I paid up to seven million dollars for it. Well, up to 44 million kronor. Sounds like a lot, but delivery was included.)

Given that the population of the entire country is 9.4 million, it seems that figure of 7 million may have been, well, pulled out of the heavens.

A 2005 study commissioned by the European Union found only 23% of Swedes willing to report that they “believe there is a God.”

Another 23% indicated that they “do not believe there is any sort of spirit, God, or life force.” These are the godless atheist socialists you hear about when Republicans in Congress talk about how health care destroys society.

The majority, 53%, said they believe there is “some sort of spirit or life force,” which doesn’t exactly sound like someone who is a dedicated member of a church. I’m no historian, but I’m pretty sure Martin Luther didn’t subject himself to abuse from the Catholics and the Holy Roman Empire because he thought there was probably “some sort of spirit or life force” out there.

I’m also not sure how the Church of Sweden is counting their membership, but it doesn’t seem very accurate.

If everyone in Sweden who believes in any god is a member of the Church of Sweden, that puts the membership number only around 2.1 million people, according the EU’s statistics.

Sure, 2.1 million is, in fact, a number that is “up to seven million,” so I guess they’re right on that account.

Oh well. The good news is that the church is responsible for all the cemeteries in the country and — even if you don’t believe in anything — they’ll pay for your funeral.

That’s right. The Church of Sweden provides free funeral services for every Swedish resident. The family left behind pays only the undertaker’s fees.

All in all, it seems like a really nice little send-off for all these damn atheists on their way to Hell. But since the Church of Sweden also performs gay marriages, the clergy will probably be on the next boat right behind ’em. Bon voyage suckaaaaahhhhhhs!!!!!

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Homer Simpson is so confused by this

Thursday, September 1st, 2011

Muffins? What the…? You call these things muffins?


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