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Wife forcing me to move to Sweden

need advice

Dan337
post 17.Feb.2014, 01:26 AM
Post #1
Location: Canada
Joined: 17.Feb.2014

Hi all, as of late I find myself in a very stressful situation. I live in Canada and the girl I'm married to came here from Sweden a few years ago to study as part of an exchange. While she was here she got a decent job and apparently liked it enough to finish her studies here. Anyways, we got married last year and currently she is pregnant with our daughter. Something changed around November; it started with her going on and on about how great Sweden is, everytime we would talk about a topic or see something on tv she started saying "In Sweden it's done this way...", basically she became a walking talking version of a propaganda pamphlet you might get from the Swedish tourism board. I knew something was going on and then she finally dropped the bomb on me at the end of November that she wants us to move to Sweden. Since then she has put me under a tremendous amount of pressure to move. The thing is that I can do my job from anywhere in the world as long as I have an internet connection so I can't make the job excuse. But I have no interest in moving to Sweden, I have nothing against the country but I love my life in Canada and see nothing wrong with it. On top that I started doing research about moving to Sweden after she told me what she wanted and reading sites like this and stories from expats has me totally scared and wanting even more to not move.

Our life has become very stressful after I repeatedly expressed my reservations to her idea. She's withholding sex and has reduced the amount of physical contact and while she claims it's because "she is tired" and because of her pregnancy, I'm pretty sure she's trying to punish me for not agreeing with her. We had such a great relationship but all we do now is argue about Sweden. She has her sister and her parents calling me from Sweden trying to convince me to move there. She talked to my parents too and even they've had a conversation with me to consider moving. It's pissing me the hell off. I have pressure coming from every single direction to move and it's stressing me out. If I knew she was going to be like this I would not have married her or got her pregnant, heck I didn't even know she was Swedish until our 3rd date (I assumed she was German or Polish based on her accent), I did not sign up for this! I feel like i'm being punked. She was never like this until November. What can I do to convince her that Canada is the place for us? She goes on and on about how Sweden is a great place to raise a family blah blah blah... all good but it's not like Canada is some hellhole either and I think there are better oppertunities here. To all those who have moved to Sweden at the the insistence of their partner; will I regret it if I give into what she wants?

My biggest worry is that she gives me an ultimatum (which I can already feel coming) and then just leaves with my soon to be born daughter if I don't come with her. Can she do something like that? Is she legally allowed to take my daughter to her country?
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Svensksmith
post 17.Feb.2014, 03:11 AM
Post #2
Joined: 28.Jul.2011

I can't see you being happy in Sweden as you feel you are being forced into it. However, I don't see your wife relenting. Her nesting instincts have kicked in and she wants to raise her baby in Sweden. Is there any kind of compromise you can work out?
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Poca
post 17.Feb.2014, 05:53 AM
Post #3
Joined: 9.Jan.2006

Whatever you decide just make sure the child is born in Canada. It might also be good to see with a lawyer what are your rights to your unborn child. What if she breaks up with you and decides to move to Sweden to give birth, can you object her leaving with your child in her belly? I know she would need your consent to travel once the child is born but does that apply to unborn too? Anyway, it's best you two come to a conclusion and if you don't want to move just don't. If she is acting like that prior to moving to Sweden, imagine how happy you will feel when she will be 100% in her element and you'll be 100% at her mercy...
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Gamla Hälsingebock
post 17.Feb.2014, 07:34 AM
Post #4
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

The answer lies here...tell her Sweden has changed since she left...then sit her down and go over the negative posts/threads about life in Sweden.

No doubt, she will change her mind...
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entry
post 17.Feb.2014, 07:53 AM
Post #5
Location: Västra Götaland
Joined: 1.Jul.2007

Dan, I'm perfectly fine here in Sweden with all of my family back home in the states but that would be a stress & a burden in the reverse situation for my wife. Is it possibly that your wife desires to raise your kid(s) in close proximity of her family? It is give and take. If you love her and want to build a family with her and you are willing to make sacrifices you can make a go of it here in Sweden and be successful.

You have to ask yourself if that is the woman you want to be with for the rest of your life?
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Affonso
post 17.Feb.2014, 08:06 AM
Post #6
Joined: 7.Apr.2013

Having fun with swedish girls is fine, but I think many posters willl tell you that it's hell when you marry one of them, eventually get divoreced and have nightmarish custody battles over kids in Sweden...
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Mark249
post 17.Feb.2014, 08:23 AM
Post #7
Joined: 9.Nov.2012

It's obvious who has the power in this relationship rolleyes.gif
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LauraCristescu
post 17.Feb.2014, 08:42 AM
Post #8
Location: Stockholm
Joined: 8.Nov.2013

Why not talk to her calmly about reaching a compromise. Have the baby in Canada ( you can point out it means a lot to you as a father) and then give Sweden a chance, maybe 2-5 years. Just because some people have bad experiences does not mean you will have one. Of course on a forum like this most people who are posting are posting to ask questions to help with a problem, that's why it's a forum.

The way i see it from what you are describing, none of you are backing down and that is never a good thing. And her recent cold spell against you might not be what you think, but instead a combination of things, like the pregnancy, the stress, etc. Just sit down and figure out a compromise.

Also have ever been to Sweden? (not to sound condescending, but a visit might put some of your worries to rest)
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Dan337
post 17.Feb.2014, 09:35 AM
Post #9
Location: Canada
Joined: 17.Feb.2014

What is really troublesome is that she never said anything like this before and this sudden change of heart happened almost overnight. She has no logical reason to suddenly wanna move back to Sweden, she has a good job here, she has friends (friends that are different from my group of friends) and by all indications she was enjoying life here. Maybe I'm being paranoid but I think my inlaws may be conspiring against me; I am worried that she is getting brainwashed by them. I don't know if it's a Swedish thing but her parents were really weird when they came to visit us, it's hard to explain but basically they didn't act like any human I have met. I'm pretty sure they don't like me. She talks to them so much now, before she'd call them maybe once every two weeks and talk for perhaps 15 mins or so but as of late she is calling them every other 2-3days and they are on the phone for like 30 mins or more. I don't know what they talk about since they talk in Swedish but I hear my name in the convo every now and then. What possible reason do they have to talk to her for 30 mins every other day?

She has also started to act passive-aggressive towards me. Sometimes she starts talking to me in Swedish eventhough she knows I don't understand Swedish. She talks to "the baby" (her belly) every night before going to bed and sometimes during the day and as of late she talks to "the baby" 85% of the time in Swedish and 15% in English- this is what hurts my feelings the most. It's like she's trying to tell me that the baby is more hers than mine. I have gone to the washroom and cried a couple of times when she kept talking to the baby in Swedish when I was on the bed right next to her. Sorry for the longish post but writing this all out has made it feel all the more real.

QUOTE (Svensksmith @ 17.Feb.2014, 02:11 AM) *
I can't see you being happy in Sweden as you feel you are being forced into it. However, I don't see your wife relenting. Her nesting instincts have kicked in and sh ... (show full quote)

I don't know, whenever we talk about the topic it just ends up in an argument and it doesn't go anywhere. Lately I've been avoiding bringing up the topic as she's always upset at me for a day or two after the argument which just leads to an uncomfortable environment in the house. I'm talking to her friends and trying to get them to talk to her.


QUOTE (Poca @ 17.Feb.2014, 04:53 AM) *
Whatever you decide just make sure the child is born in Canada. It might also be good to see with a lawyer what are your rights to your unborn child. What if she breaks up wit ... (show full quote)


This scares me. This is probably a worst case scenario and I'm going to do my best to not let it go that far but she has around 3 months before she is due, hypotheticaly what happens if she leaves with the baby inside her? Or what if she takes the baby away after the baby is born here? Canadian law doesn't extend to Sweden so what will happen then? Will the Canadian embassy in Sweden do something about it? Again I doubt she'd just run away with the kid like that but if her parents are brainwashing her then i have no idea

@entry: It's good to hear from North Americans who are happy up there. I do love her. That's why I married her. And like I said things were great between us until November when she got on this Sweden kick. The thing is she is perfectly settled here knows the language, has some very good friends and my parents are very supportive. But if I moved to Sweden I would have no one there except for her. This is so frustrating... I just wish things would go back the way they were before November. I wish there was some ingenious argument I could make to make her feel the way she had for the last few years when she never mentioned us moving back to Sweden.
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Opalnera
post 17.Feb.2014, 10:01 AM
Post #10
Joined: 16.Aug.2010

The lure of cheap daycare and 15 months parental leave is her motivation I expect. Also the help of family is very comforting. To be honest it's not such a bad place to have a small child but what she is doing is really disgusting behaviour. You need to come to some sort of compromise ...and get it in writing with the help of a lawyer. You might want to point out the lack of opportunities for young adults in Sweden. Youth unemployment is one of the highest in Europe.
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Dan337
post 17.Feb.2014, 10:13 AM
Post #11
Location: Canada
Joined: 17.Feb.2014

QUOTE (LauraCristescu @ 17.Feb.2014, 07:42 AM) *
Why not talk to her calmly about reaching a compromise. Have the baby in Canada ( you can point out it means a lot to you as a father) and then give Sweden a chance, maybe 2-5 ... (show full quote)


I am going to definitiely ask her to have the baby in Canada so I can put my mind to rest. I am worried that if I move there for even a short period of time I will be stuck there, it will be hard to move the child once she has friends there and is in school. And even worse, like one of the posters mentioned I am at my wife's mercy there so if she decides to divorce me there I am probably stuck there if I wanna be close to my daughter. I have never been to Sweden, infact I have never been outside of North America in my life. But I have been researching Sweden a lot on the internet (I spent all my Sunday afternoon reading forums like this) and it sounds like it will be very tough for me and it seems like most expats have negative experiences. Besides I am not convinced that Sweden is a better place to raise a child.

"Talking to her calmly" ha! This is how our convos about the topic go:

Starts off calmly with her stating the case for Sweden... I reply with my reservations... she pretty much restates her orginal comments this time in an angrier tone... I say something back, at this point she starts to cut me off not letting me finish... she gets angrier and angrier with each sentence I say. She yells and then her anger is suddenly subsided and she starts to cry. Watching her cry upsets me so I stop the argument try to give her a hug. Then she does not speak to me for the rest of the day and sometimes even the next day. Lather, Rinse, Repeat this script for every time this topic is discussed. It's exhausting.

It frustrates me that I even have to worry about this stuff, I get so jealous when I see my married buddies and the arguments they have with their wives are whether to buy 1% or 2% milk or over being late to an event, not something as lifechanging as mine. I wish my wife was just a normal girl sad.gif
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cherrybubble
post 17.Feb.2014, 10:33 AM
Post #12
Joined: 17.Oct.2012

QUOTE (LauraCristescu @ 17.Feb.2014, 08:42 AM) *
Of course on a forum like this most people who are posting are posting to ask questions to help with a problem, that's why it's a forum. The way i see it from what you ... (show full quote)


QUOTE (Opalnera @ 17.Feb.2014, 10:01 AM) *
The lure of cheap daycare and 15 months parental leave is her motivation I expect. Also the help of family is very comforting. To be honest it's not such a bad place to ... (show full quote)

You gotten some really good advice already, but have you guys discussed going to a couples counsellor?

Please don't underestimate the power of pregnancy hormones. She sounds really homesick to me; the increased frequency of conversations with the parents, the talking swedish all the time...just like you don't want to leave canada, I suspect, right now, in this stressful time, she really wants to be around her parents and around familiar things.
She isn't behaving very well at all, but no one has ever accused hormonal pregnant women of being completely sane.
rolleyes.gif
That said, if the baby is born in sweden, that won't be good. Sweden doesn't have a very good reputation as far as fairness in custody disagreements towards the non-swedish parent.

Sweden is quite a good place to have and raise a baby. Perhaps you should come and try and live here for a year or two, perhaps after the baby is born. Among all my expat friends, it is the canadians that seem happiest here. And like Laura said, you get a great deal of enrichment for people who have something to complain about on forums and on the internet in general, don't let that put you off. There are a LOT of liberal north americans for whom sweden is like a mecca and they LOVE living here.

But seriously, the two of you need to go see a therapist together. And you, alone, need to go talk to a lawyer.
Good luck man, this situation really sucks.
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7/1
post 17.Feb.2014, 10:42 AM
Post #13
Location: Västerås
Joined: 20.Sep.2008

QUOTE (Dan337 @ 17.Feb.2014, 01:26 AM) *
Hi all, as of late I find myself in a very stressful situation. I live in Canada and the girl I'm married to came here from Sweden a few years ago to study as part of an e ... (show full quote)

I do not see anything wrong to come to Sweden , you can still have your work and Sweden is a great country for family , you lived in Canada and you can come and try Sweden , after all you will not lose your job since you can do it from any internet Connection .
Man must stand by his wife forever you know , AND YOUR WIFE SEEMS TO MISS SWEDEN A LOT ,and nothing bad with Sweden , if i had a work here in Sweden i would be the most happy person on Earth.
Take my advice and start pick your bags , be a man who loves adventures.
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IvanDraga
post 17.Feb.2014, 11:05 AM
Post #14
Joined: 28.Dec.2013

In long term perspective nothing will be good here. This country is doomed.
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Mib
post 17.Feb.2014, 11:10 AM
Post #15
Joined: 7.Jul.2006

It seems like since the pregnancy, her parents/relatives in Sweden have put pressure on her to come back home for thier own selfish, but understandable reasons. It is totally unfair for her to just spring this on you and with a baby coming, she knows that the pressure is really on.

It depends on your relationship, but try anything and Everything to find a compromise and if that doens't work, then it's decision time. But as people have said, your rights will be far stronger if the baby is born in Canada.

As far as the negativity on these forums, I would say they do not truly reflect Sweden. People complain on forums and people who tend to be happy with Life in Sweden are not shouting it from the roof tops. Sweden is not a utopia and language is key to living here, although you could survive without it. The only concern I would have is that your wife has suddenly made a decision from nowhere and applying undue pressure on you. Of course there's always 2-sides to every story, but if she has done this to you so soon after getting married, what other decisions will she make when you are in Sweden? How will she handle it if you became unhappy in Sweden? Would it be a case of get divorced in you go back to Canada? If you Believe she would do that, then you have to really think hard about your future. You have to be able totrust each other and if she is going to treat you this way now, what will she be like in her own country where she can merge back in easily with her friends and family while you are effectively on your own?

But I would say to do what you can to resolve this situation in an even tempered way if possible.

Good luck
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