(edit title) Slow Sunday Joke Off! Spread a smile or two! Options

[Hisingen]

You can always tell the English,
You can always tell the Dutch.
You can always tell a Yankee
But you cannot tell

[Hisingen]

Sign at a barber's shop i Beijing.

"Haircuts half price today.
Only one per customer."

[Seamus Sean]

Sign at a barber's shop i Beijing.. "Haircuts half price today.. Only one per customer."

[Gamla Hälsingebock]

Menu selection...in a cannibal restaurant:

Englishmen...$3.00

Irishmen...$3.00

Germans...$3.00

Italians...$3.00

Danes...$3.00

Norwegians...$3.00

Swedes...$137.50

After reading the menu a woman summoned the waiter and asked why the Swedes cost so much...To which the waiter replied...Lady, did you ever try to clean one of those people???

[Seamus Sean]

Little Anne was not the best student in religion class.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,

"Tell me, Anne, who created the universe?"

When Anne didn't stir, little Johnny, in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Anne and the teacher said, "Very good" and Anne fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Anne, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, Anne didn't even stir from her slumber.

Again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Anne and the teacher said,"very good," and Anne fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Anne a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Anne jumped up and shouted,

"IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

[Gamla Hälsingebock]

Not a joke but a dog "funny"!!!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/15/h..._n_4602117.html

[Svensksmith]

How yodeling began in Switzerland ...


Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland .


Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.


The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.


As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'


'That fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'


The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry .' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.


About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.


The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour.


Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.


The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.


When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying good-bye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'



'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.


The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'


The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out...





''LAIDTHEOLADEETOO''

[Gamla Hälsingebock]

[Gamla Hälsingebock]

I've been around here long enough to know that most of you have a keen interest and burning desire to learn...are you ready???...How Tarzan acquired has famous jungle call...So I'll take a few moments and tell you...

One day Tarzan was swinging through the jungle using vines as a method of transportation...he saw Jane walking on foot, so as he approached he offered her a ride by saying "Jane grab the vine"...obediently, Jane reached up and grabbed what she thought was the vine!!!

And that's how Tarzan got his call!!!

And then that may be over the heads of some of you!!!

[Gamla Hälsingebock]

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV.

Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?"

"Do what?" asked Mick.

"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin

[Lanza572]

Not so much a joke..but I liked it

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking
their mid-term exam. The last question was,'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think
of seven advantages However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and is
high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

[intrepidfox]

Not so much a joke..but I liked it Students in an advanced Biology class were takingtheir mid-term exam. The last question was,'Name seven advantages of Mother's Mil ... (show full quote)

Not so much a joke..but I liked it

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking
their mid-term exam. The last question was,'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think
of seven advantages However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and is
high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A. ... (hide full quote)

That reminds me of a girl taking her A level in English. The essay that they had to write was what do you see on the undergound.

She wrote that on the underground she saw posters, posters ...

She also got an A grade

[Hisingen]

Sign beside a field at an English farm:-

The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

[Hisingen]

By the way - have you noticed that certain words in the postings have been 'tampered with' once posted, and refer to adverts when the cursor goes over them - - -

Seamus' quote of a text of mine, 'price', then half way through SvenskSmith's text 'food' and in GH's text 'watching' and 'money'.


To The Local -
Who is responsible for this intrusion???????????????????????

They should be added to the cannibal restaurant menu - - -

[Lanza572]

By the way - have you noticed that certain words in the postings have been 'tampered with' once posted, and refer to adverts when the cursor goes over them - - -Seamu ... (show full quote)

By the way - have you noticed that certain words in the postings have been 'tampered with' once posted, and refer to adverts when the cursor goes over them - - -

Seamus' quote of a text of mine, 'price', then half way through SvenskSmith's text 'food' and in GH's text 'watching' and 'money'.


To The Local -
Who is responsible for this intrusion???????????????????????

They should be added to the cannibal restaurant menu - - - ... (hide full quote)

+1 I've seen the same thing in other threads as well