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Slow Sunday Joke Off!

Spread a smile or two!

Bsmith
post 21.Jul.2018, 10:51 PM
Post #271
Joined: 25.Jun.2009

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low life scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
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Gamla Hälsingebock
post 21.Jul.2018, 11:06 PM
Post #272
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

+10!!! laugh.gif
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Gamla Hälsingebock
post 22.Jul.2018, 01:24 AM
Post #273
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

Two men playing golf...

An old man and a brash know-it-all younger man...

Even though the younger man has a slight lead, the older man is still in the game but needs a way to overcome physical youth superiority...

At a critical point of the game, the young man is faced with a shot blocked by a large tree...The older man says, when I was your age I drove the ball over that tree...

The young man tries and fails, and his next shots cause him to lose the game...

He then asks how could you hit the ball over that tree???

The older man replies...when I was your age that tree was only six foot tall!!!
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Bsmith
post 4.Aug.2018, 02:34 PM
Post #274
Joined: 25.Jun.2009

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

"OK", he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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Gamla Hälsingebock
post 4.Aug.2018, 03:16 PM
Post #275
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

What would happen if you got scared half to death twice???
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Bsmith
post 4.Aug.2018, 10:34 PM
Post #276
Joined: 25.Jun.2009

A man is watching a movie on television with his wife. The wife says, "Do you think that Angelina Jolie is very attractive?" The man thinks about it, being careful to not to jump to the answer too soon. "Yeah, I guess you can say she is." They go back to watching the film. The guy is comforted that nothing came of that loaded question.

Six years later, the same couple are having breakfast. The man, sitting at the kitchen table, asks, "Can I have another egg?" The wife, standing at the stove, turns and angrily yells, "Why don't you ask Angelina Jolie to make you your egg if she's so beautiful?"
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Gamla Hälsingebock
post 5.Aug.2018, 01:05 AM
Post #277
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

Apparently, someone gets stabbed in London every 52 seconds...













Poor bastard!!!
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nosmas10
post 15.Aug.2018, 07:55 AM
Post #278
Joined: 13.Aug.2018

QUOTE (Gamla Hälsingebock @ 5.Aug.2018, 02:05 AM) *
Apparently, someone gets stabbed in London every 52 seconds.... Poor bastard!!!


Feels real for me.
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Bsmith
post 17.Feb.2019, 07:49 PM
Post #279
Joined: 25.Jun.2009

Did you hear there was a big paddle sale at the boat store?

It was quite an oar deal.
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Gamla Hälsingebock
post 18.Feb.2019, 08:28 PM
Post #280
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

What would the Jetsons be called if they were black???

The Jetsons you racist!!!
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Uncle Fred
post 17.Mar.2019, 01:35 PM
Post #281
Joined: 16.Apr.2008

Whether your right or left, for or against, you must admit this is good.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIeWF3mZfCg
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Bsmith
post 17.Mar.2019, 10:38 PM
Post #282
Joined: 25.Jun.2009

My grandmother was bragging about her new hearing aid. “It’s the most expensive one you can buy, it cost over $4000!”
“What kind is it?” I asked.
“It’s 4:15.”
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Gamla Hälsingebock
post 16.Apr.2019, 09:23 PM
Post #283
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

What!!!

Trump win the presidency!!! laugh.gif
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Gamla Hälsingebock
post 19.Aug.2019, 12:27 AM
Post #284
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

Tarzan was vine swinging through the jungle and saw Jane ahead in a clearing...

He called to her and said: Jane, grab vine and I will take you to the waterfall...

Jane dutifully reached up and grabbed what she thought was the vine...











And that's how Tarzan got his jungle call!!!
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Bsmith
post 19.Aug.2019, 12:00 PM
Post #285
Joined: 25.Jun.2009

Sven was making out with a young flicka on the downstairs sofa when she said, “Let’s take this upstairs, Sven.”
He replied, “Ok. You grab von end and I’ll grab da udder.”
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