The Local is not responsible for content posted by users.
This discussion forum closed permanently on 25th February 2021.
18 Pages V  « < 7 8 9 10 11 > »    Reply to this topic

Slow Sunday Joke Off!

Spread a smile or two!

Svensksmith
post 26.Jan.2014, 12:49 PM
Post #121
Joined: 28.Jul.2011

Say, do you know the two gay Irishmen: Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael?
Go to the top of the page
+
Hisingen
post 26.Jan.2014, 01:05 PM
Post #122
Joined: 5.Jul.2012

Don't go for a shave in India. This sign was seen in a barber's shop there:-
"Gentlemen's throats cut with very sharp razors with great care and skill. No irritating feeling afterwards."

Add to that, this sign was seen outside a hospital in the US:-
"Guard dogs operating."

Or this one in an English dry cleaners:-
"Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of."
(Shades of the Daleks?")

rolleyes.gif rolleyes.gif
Go to the top of the page
+
Gamla Hälsingebock
post 27.Jan.2014, 10:54 PM
Post #123
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

*Paddy texts his wife...*
*"Mary, I'm just having one more pint with the lads. **If I'm not home in 20 minutes read this message again"*


Aren't I guilty of Irish bashing???... laugh.gif
Go to the top of the page
+
Seamus Sean
post 28.Jan.2014, 07:10 AM
Post #124
Joined: 4.Oct.2009

QUOTE (Gamla H?lsingebock @ 27.Jan.2014, 10:54 PM) *
*Paddy texts his wife...*. *"Mary, I'm just having one more pint with the lads. **If I'm not home in 20 minutes read this message again"*. Aren't I guilty of Irish bashing???... laugh.gif



Just a bit...but we aren?t as sensitive as some nationalities that post on here, so you don?t see any Irish go off on a rant about racist this or racist this.

By not reacting it shows what a mature, developed race of people we are.

There are a few on here and in the world proper that should follow our example and the world would be a far better place. smile.gif

Now I hope that covers me when I start on the Yank jokes Gamla?
Go to the top of the page
+
Gamla Hälsingebock
post 28.Jan.2014, 04:42 PM
Post #125
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

The Swedish farmers in Minnesota were so angry about the new Government farm subsidy bill/law that they decided to "march on Washington" in protest!!!

Two weeks later they were camped outside Walla Walla!!! rolleyes.gif
Go to the top of the page
+
Svensksmith
post 28.Jan.2014, 06:23 PM
Post #126
Joined: 28.Jul.2011

Ole and Sven are discussing how to dig a good hole for the outhouse.

"Well," says Ole, " I dig a real big hole and den I move da shack over it and I sit down on the bench and I let one drop. Den I count a-one, a- two, a- three and den I hear it plop and I know it's good."

"Yeah, I do da same ting," says Sven. "I sit down and let one go and den I count a-one, a-two, a-three...a-four, a-five, a-six... Damn! It's stuck in my suspenders again!"
Go to the top of the page
+
Gamla Hälsingebock
post 31.Jan.2014, 12:54 AM
Post #127
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

Soooo, the "blonde" is driving her pink Cadillac convertible with the top down at 90 miles an hour...while knitting!!!

A motorcycle cop approaches and says...pull over!

The "blonde" replies...no, sweater!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go to the top of the page
+
Seamus Sean
post 3.Feb.2014, 03:40 PM
Post #128
Joined: 4.Oct.2009

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.

I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?

"I used a diagram, your honor.. I drew two circles like this: O o.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle
is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. " 156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.
"I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said,
'This is your asshole before prison ... . ...
Go to the top of the page
+
Gordy
post 4.Feb.2014, 08:47 AM
Post #129
Location: Skåne
Joined: 1.Oct.2005

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.

The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.

"I'll try," says a little old lady, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head so hard with the beer bottle."
Go to the top of the page
+
LLHope
post 6.Feb.2014, 01:13 AM
Post #130
Location: Stockholm
Joined: 1.Jan.2014

Man walks into a bar on Monday after work,
"10 pints of Guinness please."

Barman: "Er, OK, here you go..."

The man downs pint after pint, then keels over and passes out.

Barman, "Oh dear, is there anyone here that can take this guy home?"

"Oooooooo, I can" says a rather effeminate man at the corner table.

Next night, the Man comes into the bar again. "10 pints of Guinness please."

Barman, "Errr, ok, here you go".

The man downs pint after pint, then keels over and passes out!

Barman, "Oh dear, not again! Is there anyone here that can take this guy home?"

"Oooooooo, I can" says a rather effeminate man at the corner table.

...This continues for the rest of the week, each night the man comes in, drinks 10 pints of Guinness, keels over and passes out, and the man in the corner leaves with him...

The following Monday... Man walks into the bar.
"10 pints of lager please"

Barman, "Really! I thought you drank Guinness?"

Man: "Nah, have to give it up...it makes my arse sore!".
Go to the top of the page
+
Gamla Hälsingebock
post 8.Feb.2014, 08:58 PM
Post #131
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

She told me that she had stopped taking birth control pills...when I ask why...she said...they keep falling out!!!
Go to the top of the page
+
Hisingen
post 8.Feb.2014, 11:45 PM
Post #132
Joined: 5.Jul.2012

They now have a pill for men, too. It is somewhat special since it must be put in your shoe. Once there, however, it makes you limp - - -
Go to the top of the page
+
Gamla Hälsingebock
post 17.Feb.2014, 07:47 AM
Post #133
Joined: 21.Dec.2006

Hillary Clinton asked her daughter, Chelsea if she had sex before marriage...her answer was..."not according to dad"!!!
Go to the top of the page
+
Svensksmith
post 18.Mar.2014, 02:27 PM
Post #134
Joined: 28.Jul.2011

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed
between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make
you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the
gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a
house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an
interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them
"gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had
coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there
to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a
pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested
that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next
day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was
equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her
very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a
real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be
working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at
Lowe's ever deliver the damn sheet rock".
Go to the top of the page
+
Hisingen
post 18.Mar.2014, 02:40 PM
Post #135
Joined: 5.Jul.2012

Too bad he didn't have a pocket big enough to take you too.

tongue.gif
Go to the top of the page
+

18 Pages V  « < 7 8 9 10 11 > » 
Reply to this topic
2 User(s) are reading this topic (2 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members: