The Local is not responsible for content posted by users.
4 Pages V  < 1 2 3 4 >   Reply to this topic

Help.. my kids step dad is out of order

*Kodos*
post 10.May.2006, 03:52 PM
Post #16


*hugs for Diana

You're right. It never gets better. The pain...it only dulls...but it doesn't go away.
Go to the top of the page
+
*Rk*
post 10.May.2006, 04:26 PM
Post #17


There's more to this than meets the eye. I can't imagine a 12 year old slapping an adult - what exactly does this say about your son's respect for this man and his own belief that he would not receive some fitting punishment?

I agree that the mans actions were out of order, but what else lies behind this? Has he suffered a period of disrespect and is unable to assert his authority in any other way?

I think you should be asking questions, perhaps through a mediator, not issuing threats. You run the risk of polarising the dispute and your ex-wife may well go back to his side in order to maintain the family home.

A friend of mine in the UK had his second marriage break up because his wifes kids treated him like crap, were totally undisciplined and she didn't support him.
Go to the top of the page
+
*Kodos*
post 10.May.2006, 04:48 PM
Post #18


QUOTE (Rk)
There's more to this than meets the eye. I can't imagine a 12 year old slapping an adult - what exactly does this say about your son's respect for this man and his own belief that he would not receive some fitting punishment?


OUCH!!!!!!!

QUOTE (Rk)
I agree that the mans actions were out of order, but what else lies behind this? Has he suffered a period of disrespect and is unable to assert his authority in any other way?


Given this adult's inability to control this child, in your perspective, you advocate the use of violence? Why should any child suffer any form of abuse because the parent/authority figure is neither emotionally equipped nor capable of dealing with said child?

QUOTE (Rk)
I think you should be asking questions, perhaps through a mediator, not issuing threats. You run the risk of polarising the dispute and your ex-wife may well go back to his side in order to maintain the family home.


You make an interesting statement. However, Conkers is the father and does have the rights, within the scope of the law, to make judgment calls regarding his children's respective welfare.

QUOTE (Rk)
A friend of mine in the UK had his second marriage break up because his wifes kids treated him like crap, were totally undisciplined and she didn't support him.


I'm sorry your friend was treated poorly by his wife's children. That does not, however, allow any adult to engage in (equally) childish behaviour or abuse. Period.

She, his partner, chose not to support him. That's between partners and has absolutely nothing to do with the children. Unruly or not...when you're the adult in the situation, act like it. Order family counseling, leave, do whatever...but never, ever take one's angst/aggression out on children in such a fashion. They do not have the reasoning abilities to process where the hate comes from and abusive behaviour scars for life.

Perhaps I'm reading too much into your message, but it smacks of whiny behaviour and self-loathing. Is this another instance of someone marrying or getting involved with a partner who has children from a previous relationship and regretting it? It's not as if the children just magically appear. They have been part of the equation the entire time. To think that the road travelled is going to be littered with flowers is simply unrealistic.
Go to the top of the page
+
Diana E
post 10.May.2006, 05:03 PM
Post #19
Joined: 4.Sep.2005

Must-refrain-from-chiming-in. Oh good, I don't need to, Kang has done it for me, she of the lightning fingers.

In what universe is a 12 year old, or any child, considered equal to an adult ? In what universe does a child ask for an assault from a step dad? Don't tell me that a boy slapping a father justifies the older, stronger adult in retaliating. The balance of power is strongly tilted to the adult, who, legally, is assumed to be able to control himself. In Sweden, where these children live, such behavior exhibited by the adult is probably illegal. Men often like to say that children are driving a wedge between themselves and their partners, but, viewed objectively, it is the man's behavior, and his choice to indulge in controlling and abusive behavior, that drives the wedge.

Oh man. I don't like it when I get this YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND HOW BAD THIS IS feeling. Let's just say that most recent studies on family violence tend to support the view that any form of violence is dangerous for children, and that when such violence makes itself known, it is usually an indicator of other violent and-or controlling behavior. I am not going to get into a debate about spanking, about how Sweden is so nancy girly, about how men react to sass with hits and that's how you learn your kids. I don't have to. If you want to learn for yourself, do a search on PubMed, for peer-reviewed articles that describe the latest studies. If you don't want to do that, if you're happy believing that kids deserve to be hit, then there isn't anything I want to say to you.

Will-now-stop-preaching.
Go to the top of the page
+
*Rk*
post 10.May.2006, 05:12 PM
Post #20


Kang, the point I am trying to make is that it is in the best interests of child, father, to find out what lies behind this situation. It is absolutely not usual for a 12 year boy to hit an adult.

I absolutely do not agree with any form or abuse or violence against children - but instead of jumping onto the domestic violence bandwaggon, lets remember that this is apparently the first violent act (and remember he did not hit the child) in the 7 or 8 years since living with this man.

You are reading too much into my message. FYI, I have two kids who live with my ex-wife and her partner. The boys have a good relationship with him (as I still do with my ex-wife and her partner). Also I was a step father for the 6 years - which while this sambo relationship ended last year, the child wishes to keep on touch with me and plays with my boys when they visit from the UK on holidays.

Not a trace of whiny behaviour and self-loathing here! All is sunny in my garden! ;-)
Go to the top of the page
+
FR
post 10.May.2006, 05:23 PM
Post #21
Joined: 22.Oct.2005

QUOTE (Conkers)
...
Last weekend my son (12) and the step-dad got into a row, it's not important what it was about, but my son slapped him in the face, he says it wasn't on purpose, not that it matters whether it was an accident or not, it was wrong and he knows that.
Anyway, the step dad then grabbed my sons arm and was thrashing him around, shouting and screaming, he was beside himself with rage, my son who is normally so calm and reasoned was so scared that he peed himself. (it's not a problem he has EVER had before.
...


Perhaps it is important what it was about. I also can't imagine a situation where one person slaps another in the face accidently during an argument. The stepfather did not hit back, but did grab the arm that slapped him? Thrashing him about... towards his room or just to fling him through the air? Perhaps your son was so scared because the stepfather would usually ignore such behavior? Unexpected behavior from someone can be very scary.

My only advice is to get the full story from all witnesses before drawing any conclusions as there is always more than one side to a story and to address the issue that started the argument in the first place before it rears its ugly head again. Good luck with it.
Go to the top of the page
+
Yendor
post 10.May.2006, 05:29 PM
Post #22
Joined: 29.Mar.2005

Hello Conkers
A lot of people on this thread are trying to help you by giving you the best advice that they can, and thats nice. But the bottom line is this. Ask your son a simple question, and this is it.

1. Ask your son if he is happy living at your Xs home 50% of the time? If his answer is no then ask him the next question.

2. Would you like to live here with me 100% of the time? If his answer is yes then thats your solution. He is 12 so he can make that choice. Your X can try and stop you but if it gos to the courts you sons will to live with you will "weigh heavy" in your favor.
Go to the top of the page
+
*Kodos*
post 10.May.2006, 05:30 PM
Post #23


QUOTE (Rk)
Kang, the point I am trying to make is that it is in the best interests of child, father, to find out what lies behind this situation. It is absolutely not usual for a 12 year boy to hit an adult.


Oh really, now? Exactly how far along are you on your quest of a PhD in child psych? Children learn the behaviour patterns from where/whom? Dollars to donuts...if a child is in a strife laden environment, that child is going to adopt similar behaviour patterns. And...you do not need a PhD to know that, either.

Ergo...adult hits adult, adult hits child in presence of child...child will assume the same behaviour. Yes it is that simple.

And yes...I have heard worse acting as a "secretary" for my step-fester when parents would call seeking counseling for their ANGRY three year old. Tell me...what makes a three year old angry (overlooking the devil's spawn like Damien)?

QUOTE (Rk)
I absolutely do not agree with any form or abuse or violence against children - but instead of jumping onto the domestic violence bandwaggon, lets remember that this is apparently the first violent act (and remember he did not hit the child) in the 7 or 8 years since living with this man.


Please. The first time is the only warning given. After that, it's unabashed recidivism. The golden rule that states if they did it once, they will do it again circulates for a reason.

QUOTE (Rk)
You are reading too much into my message. FYI, I have two kids who live with my ex-wife and her partner. The boys have a good relationship with him (as I still do with my ex-wife and her partner). Also I was a step father for the 6 years - which while this sambo relationship ended last year, the child wishes to keep on touch with me and plays with my boys when they visit from the UK on holidays.

Not a trace of whiny behaviour and self-loathing here! All is sunny in my garden! ;-)


The whiny behaviour I was alluding to is that of your pal, not you. Many people enter into relationships with partners who have children completely unprepared or unwilling to assume the responsibility of discipline, love and all of the other trappings that go along with being a parent. Then...when things go sour, they blame the children. Always the children...never fault with the adult.

It's rather silly to blame those who have no control over the situation, is it not?
Go to the top of the page
+
*(capital B) Blondie, Tl F*
post 10.May.2006, 05:32 PM
Post #24


QUOTE (Rodney)
Hello Conkers
A lot of people on this thread are trying to help you by giving you the best advice that they can, and thats nice. But the bottom line is this. Ask your son a simple question, and this is it.

1. Ask your son if he is happy living at your Xs home 50% of the time? If his answer is no then ask him the next question.

2. Would you like to live here with me 100% of the time? If his answer is yes then thats your solution. He is 12 so he can make that choice. Your X can try and stop you but if it gos to the courts you sons will to live with you will "weigh heavy" in your favor.
if only it was that simple :roll:
Go to the top of the page
+
Yendor
post 10.May.2006, 05:45 PM
Post #25
Joined: 29.Mar.2005

Hi blondie.
Its almost that simple. How do i know? When my son turned 12 a few years ago i went all through this question with my attorney here in Sweden. Its not a "slam dunk" deal but if it ends up in court and this 12 year old kid wants to live at his dads 100% and gives some good reasons why then its a done deal. Believe me!
Go to the top of the page
+
*Rk*
post 10.May.2006, 05:46 PM
Post #26


Kang, seems to me you are perhaps projecting your own experiences onto this situation.

Instead of a blinkered view ask yourself how a weedy 12 year boy who is probably around 1.5m high and weighes perhaps 40kg has the bottle to slap a fully grown man. I was in plenty of playground fights as a kid and would never have considered hitting an adult.

Until this situation, there was apparently no evidence of abuse - Conk considered the guy OK until now. Surely if there was any history his kids would have mentioned something before.

I refuse to be baited by your other comments.
Go to the top of the page
+
*Kodos*
post 10.May.2006, 05:59 PM
Post #27


QUOTE (Rk)
Kang, seems to me you are perhaps projecting your own experiences onto this situation.


Is life not but a mirror image of one's experiences? Or must one rely completely on that of a friend to form an opinion?

QUOTE (Rk)
Instead of a blinkered view ask yourself how a weedy 12 year boy who is probably around 1.5m high and weighes perhaps 40kg has the bottle to slap a fully grown man. I was in plenty of playground fights as a kid and would never have considered hitting an adult.


Again...back to developmental psych...children repeat what they observe. Typically, one does not stumble upon aggression. It is rooted in the psyche by the actions (or inactions) of others.

QUOTE (Rk)
Until this situation, there was apparently no evidence of abuse - Conk considered the guy OK until now. Surely if there was any history his kids would have mentioned something before.


Correct you are, sir. Let us not overlook that there is a beginning to every situation, though. Violence and aggression are harbingers of things to come.

QUOTE (Rk)
I refuse to be baited by your other comments.


It appears you have discovered my true intent, which is to derail the thread from its original purpose and verbally pummel you. Sighs. I wish I were not so transparent at times.
Go to the top of the page
+
*(capital B) Blondie, Tl F*
post 10.May.2006, 06:04 PM
Post #28


QUOTE (Rodney)
Hi blondie.
Its almost that simple. How do i know? When my son turned 12 a few years ago i went all through this question with my attorney here in Sweden. Its not a "slam dunk" deal but if it ends up in court and this 12 year old kid wants to live at his dads 100% and gives some good reasons why then its a done deal. Believe me!
hmm thats interesting info even though my family is all split i'm not sure of the system here in the uk i don't think its that cut and dried i will check it out hopefully i will never have to go down that path though
Go to the top of the page
+
*Rk*
post 10.May.2006, 06:15 PM
Post #29


QUOTE
Again...back to developmental psych...children repeat what they observe. Typically, one does not stumble upon aggression. It is rooted in the psyche by the actions (or inactions) of others.


One shaking in 7 years is not a history of abuse nor does it imply future behaviour. For all anyone knows, this guy may have lost his rag for a variety of reasons and be deeply remorseful.

Give the guy some credit for accepting the kids to begin with and helping create a home for the past 7 years.

My father hit me once on the arm. I was 15 years old and going through the stage of pushing my fathers buttons to assert my indepence as most boys do. I pushed too hard and he reacted. For a split second I very nearly retaliated and had the strong desire to punch him in the face. I didn't, partly due to deep seated respect and also the consequences for our future relationship. He never hit me again. Was he a bad father - no. Was I wrong for pushing him to his limits - yes.

My point and only point is that no-one except the child and man are in possession of the true backround to this. It's in all their interests to find out why this happened. I repeat that in any normal situation a 12 year boy would not consider hitting an adult male - let alone one who he has lived with in an apparently successful family environment to date. There is no suggestion from Conk of historical discord between man and boy.
Go to the top of the page
+
*Taking A Break*
post 10.May.2006, 06:19 PM
Post #30


QUOTE (Conkers)
the model father it would seem... although my ex-wife says it is more a case that his 13 yr old som from a previous marriage is just sh1t scared of him...


Just wanted to say that this seems like it could be an indicator of more of a problem than just one incident of him losing his temper.
Go to the top of the page
+

4 Pages V  < 1 2 3 4 >
Reply to this topic
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members: