The Local is not responsible for content posted by users.
4 Pages V  < 1 2 3 4 >   Reply to this topic

Help.. my kids step dad is out of order

Edward
post 10.May.2006, 06:30 PM
Post #31
Joined: 26.Apr.2006

Why does a boy at twelves years old feel the need to hit out at this man something is not right it takes a lot of anger to strike someone bigger than youreslf and someone who is meant to be an authority figure he has obviously upset the boy before
Go to the top of the page
+
*Cyberfluff*
post 10.May.2006, 07:34 PM
Post #32


Hey Conk, I'm sorry you and your kids are in such a shitty situation.

Your job as their parent is to protect your children and provide them the best, safest, most nourishing environment you can. You need to do what you think is best for them. All too often parents get hung up on "respecting the rights" of the other parent and try to be fair to their former partner at the expense of their children's safety and happiness. Your ex is a big girl, she can make her own choices, and if she disagrees with something that you ultimately decide is in your children's best interests, then she has to figure out how to handle that situation.

First: To make a 12 year old child wet himself, something beyond shaking him and yelling was going on. (Unless your son has some sort of bladder infection or simlari problem.) Having been a child that age and having known some, a shaking and some yelling does not make them pee themselves. You need to get your son to talk to you or someone about what is going on. If he won't talk to you, you need to find him a counselor or someone that he feels he can talk with openly. (He may not want to talk because he's embarrassed, because he thinks he will be in trouble, because he thinks it will be a burden for you, or any number of other reasons.)

Second: You need to see a lawyer and find out what the legalities are. He may shape up if he realizes you are serious, but it's better to prepare for the worst. Also find out about whatever sort of court orders are available that will force your ex's partner to stay away when your children are visiting their mother.

Do what you think is in the best interests of your children , listen to their input and concerns, but make sure they know that you are ultimately going to make and take responsibility for any decisions about issues like custody, where they live, etc. What they want is important, but it's also important that they can express those wants without feeling like they are showing favoritism to one parent or another. Do what you think is right.

(That said, I think your ex needs help. I once dumped a boyfriend who hurt my dog. Once. I cannot imagine under what circumstances a woman would keep some shitbag that ever touched her children. This is purely my 2 SEK.)
Go to the top of the page
+
*Cyberfluff*
post 10.May.2006, 07:41 PM
Post #33


QUOTE (Rk)
There is no suggestion from Conk of historical discord between man and boy.


Actually, he did mention that this is not the first time there has been this sort of behavior:
QUOTE (Conkers)
My daughter (9) is more open and tells me everything, rather than bottling things up, she says that the step-dad has never hit them, but he grabs there arms or shoulders and shakes them,


Please, don't try to justify shaking someone else's children. Even if it is "just once."
Go to the top of the page
+
Beth
post 10.May.2006, 08:00 PM
Post #34
Joined: 15.Sep.2004

conk, i don't believe any form of shaking a child, yours or anothers is ever justified. anyway...not to make this a debate, just to say the step dad has NO excuse.

in addition to melanie's advice to get some legal advice regarding where and how to take this, i would suggest you seriously look into some sort of mediation. i don't think the stepdad will just "stop" doing what has been going on and has led to your son's muting on the subject.

on of the reasons i suggest mediation is that it is a benign way to start a process of introducing counselors and if necessary: social services. it starts a paper trail of documenting any form of abuse or improper behavior on the stepdad's part and will allow your children to speak their mind to someone that isn't directly involved.

also, should you need to go down the "court battle" road, you have documentation that you have initiated a peaceful and resolution-aimed process...you are painted as über level-headed and score numerous brownie points.

best of luck to you, and your children.
i'm not talking about shrinks or meddlers, but a neutral party to play referee in the blame game.
Go to the top of the page
+
Fish Eye
post 10.May.2006, 08:03 PM
Post #35
Joined: 6.Feb.2006

Everybody asks what made the kid so angry that he hits his step dad in the face. Well, I think he is pissed off with this guy who fights alot with his mother and he cant do anything about it. He probably feels like he wants to protect his mother when her and the step dad argue and fight and also feels upset about how it upsets his younger sister. I reckon the mom and step dads fighting are taking its toll on the kids and the frustration from the arguing is pushing the step dad over the edge. Time for them to break up because it will only get worse!
Go to the top of the page
+
FR
post 10.May.2006, 09:22 PM
Post #36
Joined: 22.Oct.2005

QUOTE (Chelseaman)
... Swedes like to keep to they own race. its very sad but also true sad.gif


All of the married Swedes I know are married to someone NOT of their own race.
Go to the top of the page
+
*Chelseaman*
post 10.May.2006, 09:31 PM
Post #37


I am not saying all >Swedes are bad. I know they are good and bad in every country. But I have heard things from people working in good positions and i have been shocked. I do not live in one of the big citys.

I will tell you a true story what happen to me last year. This is one of many things that has happen to me since i have been living here.
I have my own company and I had a shop in this big buliding, I was there about a year and since I started I had noticed that someone was stealing from me. I said to one of the head man of the buliding that I was sure that someone was stealing from me and he said to me that you must always lock your door because those blacks will still from you. meaning foriegners.
Anyway the next day! Satauday i was starting early at about 7am and noone works on this day, my door was open and I always lock the door. I went in slowly and I caught the VD stealing from my shop. he had the keys to all the premises. The worst thing was that he blacklisted all oss foriegners as thieves and that made me very sad :cry: . Thats high level propaganda :!: :x
Go to the top of the page
+
*Vicis Patronus*
post 10.May.2006, 09:39 PM
Post #38


Well no matter how you look at it foreigners are overrepresented in crimes, that is a fact. That doesn't mean that all foreigners are bad. The problem is that like I said swedes are very careful, and I heard from a friend about a factory in Göteborg, where they hired a foreigner, and he stole money from them. So internally they said that they wouldn't hire foreigners. It's stupid yes, but since swedes are very careful, the first experience with other cultures will be of high importance, especially for the older swedes that only grew up around swedes. In my class 50% had at least one parent who wasn't swedish, so I grew up with both good and bad foreigners, but when you look at the older swedes, their only experience might be a bad or good one. And if it's a bad one, they might start acting dumb. Personally I've never heard any swedes say anything bad about black people. But im sure that it happens. But it's a bit weird the swedes are being called racists for some stereotypes about foreigners, and then the foreigners do the same thing, and it doesn't count.
Go to the top of the page
+
*Chelseaman*
post 10.May.2006, 09:47 PM
Post #39


So if a Swede steals something then i take it they will have noone working at the plant?
You cannot or will not see the probelms your country has. Thats the probelm! And that is a common fact with most swedes.
Go to the top of the page
+
*Crusader*
post 10.May.2006, 09:47 PM
Post #40


Chelseaman and nothingman, can you stop quoting each other? Makes boring reading... just get to the point, those reading know what you've said.


My advice is simple.

Have words face to face, and tell the stepdad never to touch your kids again.

You don't want to upset your kids further, and this guy is obviously an arse, but have words.

I wouldn't blame you for wanting to twat the geezer though... the authorities aren't likely to lock you up and throw away the key, considering the circumstances and how emotional the whole episode is making you.
Go to the top of the page
+
*Vicis Patronus*
post 10.May.2006, 09:56 PM
Post #41


QUOTE (Chelseaman)
So if a Swede steals something then i take it they will have noone working at the plant?
You cannot or will not see the probelms your country has. Thats the probelm! And that is a common fact with most swedes.

The problem is related to experience, it seems to be the same thing with you, and juding swedes.

Here's a situation:
A swede grew up in the 40's with no foreigners as friend his whole life. Since there weren't many foreigners coming to Sweden. He's been running a company his entire life, with only swedes. He hires a foreigner one day, and finds out that he is stealing money from the company. It's the only foreigner he's ever had contact with. What do you think his conclusion will be based on that experience? I'm not saying that it's right.

Here's another situation:
I grew up with a lot of foreigners around me. 2 times I was close to getting robbed both times by immigrant gangs, once time someone at school pulled up a knife and had it placed against my troath. That was a foreigner too. The difference is that I have plenty of friends who are foreigners who I have a lot of respect for. So I try to not let get incidents like that get to me. In situation 1 the person didn't have the same experience with different cultures, and base the conclusion based on one experience.

People should also try to remember, that Sweden is a pretty large country in relation to the population, and people are spread around a lot except for a few big cities. And before the 1960's. Sweden basically had 0 foreigners. Sweden isn't England, Sweden isn't Canada or USA, our experience is not at the same level.

When I was 5 I had never seen a black person before, and that is not my fault. It's just that Sweden didn't have many immgrants when I was young. I've told this story before, but im gonna tell it again, and it is not related to racism, it's related to lack of experience. When I was about 5 and watched superman, and saw Richard Pryor, I asked my mom if he was sick. And she looked a bit weird and asked me why I thought that. And I said because he is black. She started to laugh and told me that in certain parts of the world there is more sun and therefore some people become more colored. That is not racism, it's just lack of experience and lack of "exposure". All this is pretty new to Sweden.
Go to the top of the page
+
*Cyberfluff*
post 11.May.2006, 01:52 AM
Post #42


Chelseaman and Stebro, go argue in another goddamn thread. There's umpteen million frivolous threads you could decide to debate the Swedish soul in, and you two choose to hijack the one where someone is asking how to deal with someone abusing his children?

For shame, both of you.

Go argue in one of the goddamn Hamas threads if you won't start your own. It's not like we don't have 15 of them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Conkers: Beth had some good advice. I can completely understand the urge to pummel the asshole and I admire you for not doing it. No matter how much he deserves it, it's a rotten example to set for your kids and would probably hinder you if you attempt to get full custody at some point.
Go to the top of the page
+
Rachel F
post 11.May.2006, 10:55 AM
Post #43
Joined: 12.Oct.2005

Conkers

It does rather sound as if things have gotten a bit of out of hand lately and that maybe it would be better for all concerned if your children came to live with you for a while.

I have a feeling that I may be playing Devil's Advocate here but I usually find that there are two sides to every story as Rk has pointed out. Before Step Dad is cast in the role of evil child abuser, perhaps this is not the full story. Now I have never touched my children in anger and I am not a shouty person but if my 12 year old slapped me I cannot say for sure how I would react but images of chasing said child around the apartment wielding a broom do spring to mind. I hope that she never would but as adolescence has reared its ugly head, we've had the usual sulking, door slamming, talking back etc and then some parents have to then contend with truancy, shop lifting, bullying and all manner of other joys. It is possible that Conkers' son is pushing all the wrong buttons at the moment (again I stress that I am playing Devil's Advocate) and the step father's reaction was actually fairly measured by comparison. We are all assuming that the child is a little weedy thing and step dad looks like Grisley Adams but this may not be the truth - my daughter is a great strapping thing, much taller than me now and there are plenty of boys who are a fair size at the age of 12. Could it be that Conkers' ex wife was sobbing down the phone more because of her child's behaviour rather than that of the savage beast she finds herself married to?

My daughter once told me that her teacher had beaten her with a ruler. I was somewhat taken aback by this and upon careful examination I found this to be a distortion of the truth. The teacher had been walking around the class with a ruler in her hand - my daughter, the little angel, happened to be catapaulting a missile at the time the teacher had gotten to her desk and the teacher tapped her with the ruler she had in her hand. Had I gone off at the deep end, this competent teacher would have lost her reputation over something extremely trivial.

Maybe it would be best for Conkers to sit down with mum and step dad and see what is really going on. Hopefully step dad is a fairly decent bloke, prone to a bit of ranting now and then who found himself in a one off confrontational situation that scared the wits out of both him and his step son - perhaps now is an ideal time for all of you to draw up what constitutes acceptable behaviour, on the parts of both the adults and the children. Then everyone knows what is expected of themselves.

If you really do get the impression that step dad is an out and out nutter, after having had a measured chat with him, then put those wheels in motion to have your children removed from his care.

But do be careful about knee jerk reactions...

Again, Devil's Advocate...
Go to the top of the page
+
*Vicis Patronus*
post 11.May.2006, 11:03 AM
Post #44


QUOTE (Cyberfluff)
Chelseaman and Stebro, go argue in another goddamn thread. There's umpteen million frivolous threads you could decide to debate the Swedish soul in, and you two choose to hijack the one where someone is asking how to deal with someone abusing his children?

For shame, both of you.

Go argue in one of the goddamn Hamas threads if you won't start your own. It's not like we don't have 15 of them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So instead of ignoring it you continue to hijack it? Btw maybe you should bring a kid to the world, your mom tendencies are starting to develop quite nicely.
Go to the top of the page
+
The Filth
post 11.May.2006, 11:22 AM
Post #45
Joined: 18.May.2005

QUOTE (Conkers)
Advice time..

I have been sitting on this for what seems like ages, but it infact reared it's ugly head on Monday. (2 days ago).

I am a Brit, have lived in Sweden for 14 years and have tow children with a Swedish girl, we split up 7-8 years ago, and the kids spend a week with me and a week with her and her partner.

I have good contact with their mother, and their step-dad seems like a decent chap, but it would seem this is only on the surface.

Last weekend my son (12) and the step-dad got into a row, it's not important what it was about, but my son slapped him in the face, he says it wasn't on purpose, not that it matters whether it was an accident or not, it was wrong and he knows that.
Anyway, the step dad then grabbed my sons arm and was thrashing him around, shouting and screaming, he was beside himself with rage, my son who is normally so calm and reasoned was so scared that he peed himself. (it's not a problem he has EVER had before.

My ex-wife was the one who called me crying and it took an hour for me to calm her down... my son- he doesn't want to talk about it, and when I questioned him, he started crying too...

The Brit/Father in me wants to do what my dad would have done, go round there and smack six bales of sh1t out of the step-dad, make it clear that if he lays a finger on my son (or daughter) ever again that I will work him over.
The sensible (swedish-ised) part of me knows that this action will result in a police report and serious charges, as well as not really doing anything to help with the problem.
My daughter (9) is more open and tells me everything, rather than bottling things up, she says that the step-dad has never hit them, but he grabs there arms or shoulders and shakes them, and I interpret this as probably as close to a beating as most Swedish children ever get from parents.

My daughter says that when her mum and step-dad have rows, she goes to her room and puts a pillow on her head so she doesn't have to hear them... my son says he goes to his room and reads a book with his walkman on...

I have told them that if this happens again, they do not need to be in that environment, and they can call me, I will come collect them and they can stay with me until it blows over...

But my dilemma... what should I do?

Sensible advice please... simply telling me to go smack the beejeesus out of him is not welcomed.

Conk.


sounds complicated, but the person with the real issues is clearly step-dad guy. Why is he reacting like this? Does he feel he has no respect from ur kids and feels frustrated. Perhaps he feels the only way he can be respected is to be aggressive. Perhaps he feels alone and isolated. Maybe he's just an asshole.

I can imagine its pretty hard for a step-dad with 2 kids who arent his who probably dont listen to him and tell him "your not my dad". Kids of divorced parents can often blame new partners in their parents lives for keeping mummy and daddy apart. Remember i doubt your getting the full story from anyone.

However, your no counsellor and neither should you be. So i guess if it happens again u can report it and request custody. You could even request an injunction against him on behalf of your children?? Certainly your son peeing himself in fear is rather worrying, more b/c of the psychological effect of such a childish lack of control at such a crucial age in his emotional development.

I'd imagine that involving urself directly thru him, or via ur wife and children may only make matters worse. In the meantime i guess u can reassure your kids that they are loved, that step-dad doesnt seem fair in his behaviour, but that he may be finding it hard too.

Good luck anyway.
Go to the top of the page
+

4 Pages V  < 1 2 3 4 >
Reply to this topic
2 User(s) are reading this topic (2 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members: