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Long Distance Relationship Advice

Getting the ex back!

Gar_182
post 2.Feb.2010, 06:37 PM
Post #1
Joined: 8.Jan.2007

Hiya all,

Was just after some advice about my current situation. I had been dating a Swedish girl for 3 years long distance (me in England her in Sweden) and unfortunately she broke up with me last November. I was devastated as it came right out of nowhere. This was especially gutting since I was planning to move over shortly after ( I was just finishing up studying a Masters). Its been a struggle going for so long but finally we were going to be together.

There was nothing wrong between us when we were together and we always had a great time but I think she never believed I was moving to Sweden (this is a long story but there were a lot of stops and starts out of my control - few month work placement needed on my course, recession kicked in and I couldn't get a proper full time one in Sweden or England so I ended up doing a long drawn out one alongside writing my thesis).

She has struggled for a while never believing I would come when in fact I was so looking forward to finally being together. Her feelings seem to have gradually changed and its all gone tits up basically and she broke up with me right after being asked out on a date by someone else...

A bit of time has passed since then with a lot of changes in what she says she wants. Currently she says she wants to be friends (don't they all!) and doesn't believe it can happen again... She knows I want to come over to live and try but she doesn't seem to be keen on the idea. She did say to me if I come to visit and its good why don't I stay but this was a couple of weeks ago and I think shes changed her mind again!

I've done the usual thing of getting overly emotional and really struggling to cope (and i think pretty much not helping the situation!). Its been all very up and down and I'm so worried shes off with someone else although she tells me she is just 'talking' to other people whatever that means. With valentines day coming up I am obviously particularly worried!

I think the problem is the distance and she can't possibly know how she feels when we havn't seen each other for so long (last August).

Anyhow I'm off to Sweden tommorow to see her on a planned visit (which she knows about) to try and either:

a ) get some closure and move on

or

b ) make her realise what things were like so I can move to Sweden to give things a go...

We've had a week or so with no contact which has helped clear the air a bit hopefully.

Anyone have similar problems or advice for me? I could just accept it and move on knowing life could be simpler for me in England but I don't want to do that as she means a great deal to me. I'd rather we tried and it ended it for a real reason than this. Its hard to understand it when it was only the distance that resulted in this happening and not any problems between us.

Any thoughts/ideas would be massively appreciated!
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JulesA
post 2.Feb.2010, 06:43 PM
Post #2
Location: Stockholm
Joined: 3.May.2009

Hiya, you sounds so honest and natural what a great person!! My only advice would be try to step back at bit, even during your visit this week, I think its very hard to get back on track after incidences like this, maybe it shouldn't be so hard right to be with someone if they are right?

Remember your happiness and health comes first (you may damage the latter sooner than you think as well as the first) by putting yourself into a relationship that is going to cause you alot of pain due to indecision. My real advice is to get on with your life and your plans around your own career and ambitions and not wait for someone to get themselves together at your cost...you will waste way too much time...

I really hope you get things sorted...
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craicen
post 2.Feb.2010, 06:47 PM
Post #3
Joined: 2.Oct.2009

You're going about this the wrong way. Gotta be a man. Treat em mean to keep em lean. Remember jerks get laid and nice guys jerk off. Take some advice from Ole Craicer.
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swozzie
post 2.Feb.2010, 06:55 PM
Post #4
Joined: 8.Oct.2009

Relationship advice from craicen ... the hilarity is going to kill me ...I can hardly breathe from laughing so much laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif
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mc87
post 2.Feb.2010, 06:58 PM
Post #5
Location: Skåne
Joined: 13.Jan.2010

QUOTE (JulesA @ 2.Feb.2010, 06:43 PM) *
Hiya, you sounds so honest and natural what a great person!!

Maybe, or maybe a tad obsessive?
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JulesA
post 2.Feb.2010, 07:01 PM
Post #6
Location: Stockholm
Joined: 3.May.2009

I think the distance can make it soo much worse...your head plays too many tricks if someone is making themselves unavailable to you...some sympathy from me tis all :-)) I do think keeping the cahonas intact and doing your own thing could work wonders...maybe some Expat drinks might help :-))
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swozzie
post 2.Feb.2010, 07:03 PM
Post #7
Joined: 8.Oct.2009

Gar baby...don't get too cerebral with this. Just enjoy being together and let the vibes return naturally. Don't want to go Zen on you here but really - just be In the moment .
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Gar_182
post 2.Feb.2010, 07:19 PM
Post #8
Joined: 8.Jan.2007

Not obsessive just extemely gutted about it and swozzie totally agree with your comment!

Hiya Jules yeah expat drinks could be a plan depending on how the trip turns out! Was hoping to get some regular pub nights with some locallers when I initially planned my move to Stockholm to get a social life on the go. smile.gif
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nlidukdese
post 2.Feb.2010, 07:23 PM
Post #9
Joined: 31.Jan.2007

You wonder if she broke up with you because she never believed you were moving to Sweden. Has it occurred to you that she might have broken up with you precisely because, once you had finished your Master's, she knew you were moving to Sweden?

Perhaps she enjoyed the distance, because it still gave her enough freedom to do other things. Things she may not be able to do when you're around. Could it be she felt that your being in Sweden would be too close for comfort?

You probably don't want to hear this, and I hope I'm completely off, but you wouldn't be the first to discover that a fair share of Swedish women have a rather utilitarian approach to relationships.
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JulesA
post 2.Feb.2010, 07:30 PM
Post #10
Location: Stockholm
Joined: 3.May.2009

I've seen other threads running on the "swedish women" viewpoint...is it really true that they are utilitarian?? I like to think everyone, wherever they are from, can meet your expectations if you have the core similarities and get on? Am I naive?? I'm not with a Swede and have only a handful of friends here so far but I get on with them just as I have anyone from Oz, NZ, SA or home etc. European differences can seem bigger due to language constraints, just wonder what as a British woman makes me differ to my Swedish friends (I don't have a like minded girl friend to swap stories with btw)... Relationships are hard work whoever with ultimately, being with someone past the original "high" (lover or good time friends) take alot of maintaining...
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Gar_182
post 2.Feb.2010, 07:32 PM
Post #11
Joined: 8.Jan.2007

QUOTE
You wonder if she broke up with you because she never believed you were moving to Sweden. Has it occurred to you that she might have broken up with you precisely because, once you had finished your Master's, she knew you were moving to Sweden?

Perhaps she enjoyed the distance, because it still gave her enough freedom to do other things. Things she may not be able to do when you're around. Could it be she felt that your being in Sweden would be too close for comfort?

She pretty much told me it was because of the distance and not believing I was coming. She said she was so happy when she thought I was coming in the Spring and because it didn't happen she got very depressed and sad... That was the build up to everything that happened.
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JulesA
post 2.Feb.2010, 07:37 PM
Post #12
Location: Stockholm
Joined: 3.May.2009

Go for it then Gar...give it your best shot :-)) Let me know how it goes
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swozzie
post 2.Feb.2010, 07:41 PM
Post #13
Joined: 8.Oct.2009

Make sure you do something REALLY romantic to make up for all the misunderstandings.

.
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Gar_182
post 2.Feb.2010, 08:00 PM
Post #14
Joined: 8.Jan.2007

QUOTE
Make sure you do something REALLY romantic to make up for all the misunderstandings.

Love putting thought into doing things like that... just a bit worried shes made her decision and got the barriers right up. She has said to me she has moved on (in terms of feelings). Hopefully thats just a distance thing... Anyway... I shall see how it goes. Either way i hope for a fun trip and something good may come out of it even if its just the closure i need so I can get on with things. Cheers for all the comments!
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Freja
post 3.Feb.2010, 09:36 AM
Post #15
Joined: 27.Jan.2010

QUOTE (craicen @ 2.Feb.2010, 05:47 PM) *
You're going about this the wrong way. Gotta be a man. Treat em mean to keep em lean. Remember jerks get laid and nice guys jerk off. Take some advice from Ole Craicer.

Oh my... You certianly know how to treat a woman. I get all dizzy over here. What a man!
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