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Husband & Wife Situation

Need Help

*Van*
post 21.Nov.2015, 11:26 AM
Post #1


I am Sri Lankan married to a Swedish and living in G
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norling
post 22.Nov.2015, 04:05 PM
Post #2
Location: United States
Joined: 26.Jul.2009

So did the sex change after you two got married?
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menrva
post 23.Nov.2015, 04:07 PM
Post #3
Joined: 17.Jun.2012

I am sorry to see that you are having such a rough time with your husband and his family. To be honest, I felt the same way about my in-laws when I first moved here 3 years ago. Due to cultural differences (and the fact that language was a huge barrier), I never did feel at ease with them and even to this day, I still dread having to spend summer and Xmas vacations at their place. But be that as it may, I know that my husband's family is just as important to him as my family is to me. And even though he disagrees with my family on certain issues, I have never known my husband to be disrespectful to them nor have I heard him say anything negative about my family for which I am truly grateful.

I have put my husband in an awkward position on numerous occasions before in the past 3 years, and I am trying to make an effort to be closer to his family. Every little gesture counts, like for example, I started a new tradition where I bake Asian inspired cakes and treats as gifts for the Xmas holidays. All I can say is that the Swedes do like their sweets and I think it's a great way to expose my in-laws to my culture (not to mention the lovely baking gift sets they have showered on me for my last birthday).

As for your husband, I think a heart to heart is in order. I know it is easier said than done, but monetary issues should never ever come between a couple. I struggled the first year I was here. Even though I was unemployed, I was stupidly digging into my savings to pay for groceries and it wasn't until I spoke to my husband, did he start giving me a monthly stipend. Though technically the stipend was meant for my personal needs (e.g. clothes, shoes, etc.), I have been using it to buy groceries (and saving the rest for birthdays and Xmas celebrations) and it is only out of necessity that I do buy something for myself. My husband acknowledges and appreciates my frugality and this has, undoubtedly, increased his trust in me. I know for a fact that he would defend me if his mom or any of his other family members were to ever call me a gold digger.

I suppose the point I am trying to make is that communication between a couple is a two-way street.
In order for me to gain my partner's love and trust, I have had to make sacrifices and likewise, he has had to make concessions to ensure that I wasn't going to return to my country at the drop of a hat. Like any other couple, we have our ups and downs and I admit that I do get lonely from time to time (being so far away from home), but if the both of you truly love each other, I am sure as hell that the both of you will find a way to work it out.
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*Van*
post 25.Nov.2015, 06:54 AM
Post #4


Dear Menrva,

Thank you for your reply, After reading your reply I felt I was not alone.

I have spoken my heart out to my husband so many times however it looks like he is not listening to me or he don't want to listen to me or he don't care?

Now I feel it is no point trying to explain to him anything, how I feel about things around me. I feel like I am alone in the relationship, I am truly trying but he is not there for me or he don't want to be there for me?

We are living like strangers.

I thought to talk with a counselor here in the musipality to get some advice what I should do?

Many be it might help me?
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menrva
post 26.Nov.2015, 08:37 AM
Post #5
Joined: 17.Jun.2012

Hej Van!

I totally get what you mean. Unfortunately, (as I understand from my time here) the Swedes are notoriously shy and private when it comes to their emotions and most of them prefer to avoid confrontations if possible. So though your husband may come across as uncaring or nonchalant, he may perhaps just have a problem broaching the issue / expressing himself.

What was his preferred mean of communication with you prior to your move here? Did you write love letters to one another? Perhaps you can try to reach out to him by writing him a letter or email instead. Set it at a gentle (and loving) pace before expressing how his actions have affected you. And though you think speaking to a counselor might help save your marriage, your husband may not necessarily agree. I would suggest that you try to open all means of communication with your husband first before seeking out his opinion on counseling. Don't force counseling on him. Only suggest it as an alternative if all things fail.

Lycka till!
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Applecore
post 26.Nov.2015, 10:34 AM
Post #6
Joined: 3.Feb.2015

It seems to me like you both rushed in a marriage without fully knowing each other. Without trusting each other, especially as the facebook incident shows. But now you are in it, so i would suggest (and this may sound harsh) that you start building a life here. And i don't mean a life thats tied to the hip to your husband.

If money is an issue (and it seems like it's right up there with the lack of communication) then find a job, make your own money. Learn the language, make your own circle of friends. Right now you are dependant to your man like a child, and it's not healthy for a relationship. You need to be equals.

Another thing i noticed is that you tend to assume that if he wants to spend time with his family, it means he does not want to spend time with you...why? He can have both. It's clear he is close to his family and there is nothing wrong with that, and it's not wise to try and come between that because all it will do is make you out to be the bad guy.

I know it's difficult being in a new land, with no friends, no family, but that is no reason he should give up his friends and familly, which he also misses since he lives 1000km away. Try to engange more in things, see thinsg from different perspectives. For instance when his father died, you said he got YOU a basement room (btw basements are often used as extra rooms, there is NOTHING weird about that). But it was a room for both of you, you yourself said you didn't go with him to his moms because you felt unwelcomed, and i can understand that, but at the same time it think it was a mistake. He came to you during the evenings, he had just lost his father, his mother and siblings were probably devastated and needed to be toghether, that time it was and should have been about him and his family. Ask how you would have been if the situation had been reversed.

We have a saying in my home country, when you marry someone, you don't just marry the person, you also marry the family. Mother in laws can be nasty, they will see you as not good enough for their sons most of the times, and maybe acceptable if you are lucky. But in the end it is yoru relationship that counts. If she called you a gold digger and he didn't object you need to adress this situation. At the same time try and gain some independence from him. My guy is also swedish, and we do often do things separetly and things we do toghether. I like sitting at home watching movies, he likes to go out and drink with his buddies, some of them i don't like, and i choose not to go...BUT i never scratch his eyes out about why he didn't ditch his friends for me.

Im sorry if my post seems harsh, but it feels as though all your existence revolves around him and what he should do to make you happy, even during moments when it should be about him (liek the death of his father). You need to try and make yourself happy, in order to be happy next to someone else. Like menvra said, both people need to make sacrifices, especially during the first year.
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Bsmith
post 26.Nov.2015, 12:14 PM
Post #7
Joined: 25.Jun.2009

If your marriage is to get better, you need to establish yourself as an independent person. Get a job (this will put a stop to the mother in law's gold digger comments), find some outside interests and friends so you are not relying on your husband as your sole source of stimulation. Once you are standing tall and proud on your own two feet, your husband may look upon you with more respect.

Or, go back to Dubai and call it quits. Your choice. A marriage takes work.
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*Van*
post 26.Nov.2015, 08:20 PM
Post #8


Menrvan, Applecore, Bsmith, thank you guys for your advise.

Yes i think all these months I have only tried to get to know my husband and tried to first work things out with my husband and his family but I have failed.

I guess I have to get use to and learn the Swedish culture. I come from a very different culture. Eventually I will get to know the Swedish culture but it is going to be very difficult.

Yes we both did not know each other's and I think we still don't know each other's, we rushed to get married.

When I was in Dubai we only communicate by Skype. He use to talk then.

I truly want to work things out with my husband, but I think because we are from two completely deferent cultures we both should get to know our cultures and respect each other's and meet halfway. I think he should try to understand my culture while I adjust to Swedish culture? That is what I feel is right.

Yes now my main priority in life is to start SFI and learn Swedish and get in to any kind of job and be independent so that I will be fully occupied.

The day I came to Sweden and up to now I have been applying for work online, any kind of work but I was not lucky in find a job. Still now I am applying for job online. I know it will is difficult for me to get in to a job because I don't know the language yet. So SFI is a start.

If I fail then I should move on to another country to find work. I don't want to be depending on my husband.
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littleviking
post 27.Nov.2015, 08:29 AM
Post #9
Joined: 26.Feb.2014

First and for most sign up at Arbetsformedlings if you are not signed up at that, after some months of being unemployed *(not sure what applies for your case specifically, you can apply for arbets stod och matching and you can get a job coach to help you more specifically find a job.

A way to both mend bridges but also to get his family on the nicer side to you is to get the evolved.
No matter how assholes they have been. Go to your mother in law, tell her you have a hard time figuring stuff in Sweden the culture and language and ask her maybe she can learn you the culture and help you with the language. Also you can ask her more about you husband and stuff he likes and such and ask if she can teach you for example to make his favorite food or dessert.
And you can say that you came to her since you husband has work and such and who better to give you all that knowledge then the person who gave birth to your partner.

Yes i know is a bucket of bullshit but... if phrased nicely you actually might get the info you need to integrate and learn the language, and your husband will be happy that you asked her and who knows maybe the mother in law is not all made of ice and will be nicer to you
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littleviking
post 27.Nov.2015, 08:30 AM
Post #10
Joined: 26.Feb.2014

Swedish culture is not easy but you can only learn it from the locals. IN some cities there are langauge caffes, or meet ups with locals, i know some libraries have a program called borrow a swede also
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*Van*
post 27.Nov.2015, 11:12 PM
Post #11


Hello Littleviking, thank you for writing to me.

I only had two people close to me, my husbands mum and dad, they were the only ones who spoke a little with me, and I use to tell everything to my husbands mum, about how I feel and how my husband is towards me, I was very close to her. They only listen to me but did not say much. Till last summer holidays.

May be they are thinking I am not making any effort to find a job? I am truly trying, I know if I start working I will feel much better in life also, and may be my husbands family will also be happy, unfortunately I cannot find work. When I told my husband that I am applying for jobs online, he even told me to try to find work out side of Sweden. For me it is no point being married if I leave Sweden to work In another country. I had a good job and I left it and came here to start a family.

One month back I went to Arbetsformedlings to give my CV and to ask if they could help me to find some work, then they asked me a Swedish ID card, I don't have a Swedish ID card and when I told them that, they asked me to first get the ID card and then come and see them. I never new I should have a Swedish ID?
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littleviking
post 28.Nov.2015, 11:29 AM
Post #12
Joined: 26.Feb.2014

you dont need to get a swedish id. you can get one from Skatteverket but umless you need it for something like the post office or bank stuff its not really useful.
You wouldnt even need a personal number to get them to register you. I have no clue how the rules are as a non sambo of a swede but register with them and ask for stod och matchning and insisit on getting that.
The problem with Arbetsformedlingen is they dont really do anything to help you find a job.
Most jobs posted online are only 20% of the jobs existing and even the ones posted alot are posted only because they need to post it even if they already picked someone for the job. Most jobs are gives through contacts. You in laws have contacts ask them to help and ask around their contacts because you as a foreigner cant really get contacts on your own.
If they ask around a little they could find you a job a lot faster then while your are seraching on your own.

I came here as a student from Eu and staid for my sambo and i know its horribly hard getting a job.
What you could try is to look what asian restaurants are in your city and see maybe they might give you even a waitress job or something, They usually help ppl from their own part of the country or at least same geographical area from time to time.
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Bsmith
post 28.Nov.2015, 03:55 PM
Post #13
Joined: 25.Jun.2009

You won't find a job sitting inside your house all day. You need to get out, pound the pavement and actively seek employment. What was your field of work in Dubai?
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Criterion
post 30.Nov.2015, 10:40 PM
Post #14
Joined: 21.Feb.2014

Hi Van, Reading your post is heartbreaking, no one should have to live like this. It seems to me your husband was interested in you when you were living in glamorous Dubai, when it was exciting and fun to visit you. You had a good life there, and he wanted you, but now, it's married life in Sweden with its money issues, family issues, and social/cultural misalignment. Everyone is allowed to make mistakes and to be continuously punished for a Facebook misunderstanding you have apologized for is bullying and wrong. It looks like there is far too much power on one side of this relationship, he has the culture, language, family, income, society, everything in his favor, and you are thousands of miles from home and family,and he's exploiting the hell out of his advantage by treating you disrespectfully as a person. You are a sitting target and until you level the playing field, he can pretty much do what he likes to you and get away with it. My guess is your marriage is over, but he doesn't want to face up to the fact you are entitled to 50% of everything, funny how no one here mention the 50/50 no fault divorce system in Sweden, so unless you have signed a pre-nup, and you have been married for more than 2 years, you get 50% of the value of the house. I would advise you to get some legal advice and work on your exit strategy. Sweden is a brutal country to integrate into if you are not from here, hell even Swedes who move from one town to another get alienated, it's crazy. Why make all this effort for someone who doesn't treat you decently? I am outraged by what you have had to go through. You have clearly tried your best within your limitations to fix things, and it's not your fault if Sweden is a pain to find a job in, it's society's fault. You are trying, it's all you can do. However, if you are driven to writing such a deep and revealing post to total strangers to find help, I would say things are very hard on you. You need support, not judgment. I for one, support you and from the bottom of my heart think you should go back to your family if you can or back to Dubai. Get back on your feet, find your happiness and if he really loves you, he will come looking for you, if not, you got out of a demoralizing situation and got your life back. I hope you will be ok.
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*Van*
post 3.Dec.2015, 08:20 AM
Post #15


Dear Criterion,

Thank you for your reply.

Yes, mentally and physically I have fallen and don
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