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The Local _ Miscellaneous _ Slow Sunday Joke Off!

Posted by: Seamus Sean 21.Jul.2013, 11:07 AM

Good Morning folks, I am not sure what weather you woke to this morning but up here it is far from summer, I can say.

So I got to thinking how to lighten the mood, give us all a boost, well in my case it looks like I´ll be home alone keeping a watch on sporting events around the world and trying to make some money from my wagers but to pass the time and not bore the poor readers here with my waffling I thought maybe we could have a Joke off??

Posters tell us their favourite jokes, maybe from their homeland, or something they hear recently down the pub or at work, or where ever and we other posters get to rate them on a scale of 1-10, see who tells the funniest.

It may also show if the sense of humour differs greatly from land to land.

People can enter as often as they like, we can leave the PC hats off and any subject is open...no limits, what do ya think??

I will post one of my favourites shortly...just need to grab a coffee first... smile.gif

Posted by: Seamus Sean 21.Jul.2013, 12:21 PM

Ok here goes...

A number of years ago our three hero's, the Englishman, the Scotsman and of course the Irishman find themselves living in London, all 3 are unemployed and desperately seeking work, rather unsuccessfully it must be said.

So the day they spot the advertisement from the metropolitan police force looking for new recruits they rush down to Scotland yard and fill out the application forms and are shown to the waiting room and told to wait until their name is called for their interview.

Time starts to drag a bit in the waiting room and soon the Englishman and the Scotsman start to pick on their Irish friend, they tell him that he is stupid, how he will never get through the interview, how his lack of intelligence will mean he will never work for the police force and so on they continued putting the poor guy down right up until the Englishman got called in for the interview.

In the interview room the Englishman took a seat opposite 3 high ranking officers in full uniform, very stern faced and important looking, it was the guy in the middle with the most fancy uniform that spoke ,he said...

"It´s like this, we are desperately short of officers, never before have we been in such a situation so I am going to ask you one question, you give me the correct answer that matches what I have here in front of me and you have the job, are you clear?"

The Englishman nodded.

The senior office, cleared his throat, and in a clear voice asked...

"Who killed Jesus Christ?"

The Englishman thought for a few seconds, then composed himself and said...

" I think that would have been King Herod"

The senior office breaking into a wide smile said...

"Well done, that is the answer I have here in front of me, you have got the job... go down the hall turn left, pick up your uniform, hat and boots and for your first day you shall be directing traffic".

Next up was the Scotsman, again he faced the 3 officers, again they explain how desperately short of officers they were and again he answered King Herod was the one who had killed Jesus and he too went and collected his uniform, hat and boots and went to direct traffic.

Last in was the Irishman, he was so nervous he was shaking, his two friends questioning his intelligence had his confidence shot to bits, when he was asked who had killed Jesus Christ he went to pieces, mumbling and playing with his hands, shooting glances at the ceiling as if inspiration may be found in the heavens. After a few awkward moments of silence the senior office leaned forward and spoke...

"Look it´s quite clear you don´t know the answer, but this is not a problem, right next-door to the station there is a most wonderful library and you can go there and find out the answer, come back here with the answer and you´ll get the job"

A very relived Irishman thanked the officers for being so kind as to give him a second chance and rushed off next door to the library. Once there he took over a desk by the window and pretty soon the desk was covered with note books and pens, book after book on the subject piled up and he busied himself finding the answer.

Around about an hour after arriving at the library he glanced out the window and caught sight of his two friends, both in uniform directing traffic and he started to laugh, it started as a giggle but it grew and grew until he could no longer control himself, every other person in the library turned to see what was happening, they ssshed him from all corners but his laughter just grew louder and louder, by the time the Liberian had been summoned the poor guy was flat on his back on the ground, tears in his eyes bubbles of snot escaping his nose, his head gone a dangerous shade of red from all the laughing.

She stood over him with a very angry look on her face, her finger pressed tightly to her lips in that universal sign for silence and she hissed at him to be silent as he was disturbing all the other poor people trying to read in peace and quite.

He managed to say between laughs that he couldn't and told her to look out the window at the two guys directing traffic, which she did.

He managed to draw himself up onto his elbow and composed himself enough to say...

"See them two...see them out there in uniform, well them two boyos told me I was stupid, I didn´t have the intelligence to get a job on the police force, I wouldn´t even get through the interview well look at them now, out there directing traffic and me here... in the middle of a murder investigation"

Boom..Boom!!! biggrin.gif biggrin.gif
biggrin.gif

Posted by: Model T Ford 21.Jul.2013, 01:42 PM

Poor Irish, always the brunt of some English joke.

Here's a similar question and answer one:

Do you know how the Irish make counterfeit 20 p. pieces?

They cut down the 50 p. ones!

Posted by: Seamus Sean 21.Jul.2013, 02:07 PM

Irish men jokes are ok as long as it´s an Irish man telling them...we can laugh at ourselves!

anyway I think I´d rate your counterfeit coins a rather generous 2.5.

Come on you must have some better joke than that?? smile.gif

Posted by: Seamus Sean 21.Jul.2013, 02:20 PM

How about this one...

The Yank is travelling Ireland tracing his roots etc.

One day he is driving through the countryside and stops to take in the breath taking beauty of the landscape, he pulls to a stop and gets out of his car, it is then he notices the little old farmer working in the field beside where he had pulled in.

"Hi there," he greets the farmer.

The farmer looks up and nods his head returning the greeting and continues to work on fixing the stone wall.

The Yank walks over closer and asks the man...

"Is this your land?"

" Aye, it is" says the farmer, pointing to the little cottage at the end of the field and sweeping his arm around to take in the few small fields around, "all that land is mine" he says proudly!

The Yank, by now leaning on the stone wall looks around at the few small fields, tilts his cap back and says...

"Why back home in the United States of America it takes me the best part of a day to drive all around all the land I own"

The little farmer stands up straight and looks the Yank in the eye and says...

"Aye I had a car like that myself one time...had to get rid of the fecker"!!! tongue.gif

Posted by: Model T Ford 21.Jul.2013, 02:25 PM

Okay, how about this, a bit more in line with yours?

Two men in a bar were having a discussion about sea wrecks and tragedies when one blurted out: "And the Jews sank the Titanic!"

The other, completely dumbfounded, replied: "You must be a complete anti-semite for making such an outrageous, erroneous claim. The Titanic hit an iceberg!"

And the other replied: "Iceberg? Goldberg? There all the same!"

Posted by: Hisingen 21.Jul.2013, 02:32 PM

And there was this Norwegian who went to his dentist to have a wisdom tooth put in. cool.gif

Posted by: Seamus Sean 21.Jul.2013, 02:35 PM

QUOTE (Model T Ford @ 21.Jul.2013, 02:25 PM) *
Okay, how about this, a bit more in line with yours?

Two men in a bar were having a discussion about sea wrecks and tragedies when one blurted out: "And the Jews sank the Titanic!"

The other, completely dumbfounded, replied: "You must be a complete anti-semite for making such an outrageous, erroneous claim. The Titanic hit an iceberg!"

And the other replied: "Iceberg? Goldberg? There all the same!"

Yes that´s an improvement ok! biggrin.gif

Posted by: Hisingen 21.Jul.2013, 02:38 PM

And back in the dark days there were two IRA men driving to a place where they were to plant a bomb, but the driver was being a bit reckless in the car was almost rolling over.
'Paddy, Paddy, take it aisy. Dis bomb moit go off.'
'Don't fret yourself, now Boyo, Oive got a spare one in the boot of the car.' sad.gif

Posted by: Seamus Sean 21.Jul.2013, 02:39 PM

QUOTE (Hisingen @ 21.Jul.2013, 02:32 PM) *
And there was this Norwegian who went to his dentist to have a wisdom tooth put in.

cool.gif

I like it Hisingen! biggrin.gif

How about...

Did you hear about the 2 seater plane that crashed into a graveyard just outside Oslo?

The Norwegian rescue services have so far recovered 307 bodies and the search continues! biggrin.gif

Posted by: skogsbo 21.Jul.2013, 02:49 PM

Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks "Have you worked with chemicals before?" "Yes!" Paddy replies. The manager asks "Can you tell me what nitrate is?" Paddy replies "I"m hoping its going to be time and a half.

OR

Paddy says to Mick " Can you give me a hand with this jigsaw, its supposed to be a tiger."

Mick says " Put the frosties back in the box you thick git ! "

Posted by: Seamus Sean 21.Jul.2013, 03:03 PM

September the 3rd 1939, in a bar of an exclusive men's club in London.

Brigadier Smith Jones and Brigadier Jones Smith are sat at the bar on the gin and tonics and discussing the out break of war with Germany.

They are discussing how the British have the best soldiers, how the British have the best guns, the best tanks, the best air force and of course the best navy! They will of course win the war they say!

Many gin and tonics are consumed and many hours pass by, by now both men are quite pissed and they decide to ask little paddy the barman who he thinks shall win the war. The poor man has been listening to the guys for hours at this stage.

He answers them...

"sure of course Britain will win the war ...sure haven´t ye got the best soldiers, and haven´t ye the best guns, and sure ye have the best tanks, the best air force and sure don´t ye have the best navy and think about it ye very nearly beat us also" wink.gif

Posted by: Model T Ford 21.Jul.2013, 03:08 PM

All the Paddy jokes remind me of my biography of Henry Brougham, the famous English barrister who was always cracking jokes at their expense in court.

Remember a damage suit against a surgeon where the injured party had his hand amputed, agreeing to the procedure, provided that the doctor didn't "... touch the fingers."

Or a defendant in some awful suit, agreeing to a trial, provided he could pick his brother as the judge.

That was about 200 years ago.

Posted by: Seamus Sean 21.Jul.2013, 03:17 PM

It doesn´t have to be just Paddy jokes, just because I told the first one as a paddy joke please feel free to explore other areas and jokes...surely there must be some Swedes that know a joke or two they want to share??

How about the blonde girl that goes to the doctor and complains she has broken every bone in her body.

"Every bone?" he asks
"Yes look" she says and process to touch her arm and cry out in pain, the same with her leg, her collar bone has the same reaction and so on.

After checking her out the doctor discovered the poor girl had a broken finger! biggrin.gif

Posted by: Svensksmith 21.Jul.2013, 03:57 PM

On a hot, Saturday afternoon, a man walks into an Irish pub on the south side of Chicago, slides himself onto stool and proclaims, "Aye bartender, it's hot and I'm dry. Could ya be so kind and pour me a wee pint on Guiness?"

As the bartender complies with the request, the man sitting next to the newcomer says, " Do I hear the lovely lilt of the old country in your voice?"

"Aye, that ya do lad. I was born in the most beautiful spot in all of Ireland right next to the river Shannon."

"Ya don't say! I was born near the river Shannon meself. In a little town called Ballyconnell."

"Ballyconnell! I was born in Ballyconnell. Bartender, fetch a pint for me new friend here!"
Say whereabouts in Ballyconnell did you reside?

"Well, it was a little cottage on Beale Street."

"Beale Street you say, me as well! What are the odds of that!" Bartender, bartender I need another pint now meself. The excitement of it all!"

"Say, where did you go to school, then?"

" Why, I went to Saint Mary's."

"St. Mary's! St. Mary's! Do ya remember Sister Kathrynn?

"Oh, that I do. What a grand old gal. Me knuckles ache just from the mention of her name. Bartender another round, if ya would be so kind. Say do you know the O'Donnell brothers?"

"Oh, that I do. Sean and Patrick, I've never seen a such red hair in all my life."

"Yes, yes! Same lads. Say, how about the Milgillicuddys?"

"Now those were some rough lads."

"I know I know, I had some terrible scraps with those lads. Bartender, another coupla of pints."

And so on it went for several hours. At some point the owner walks in and asks the bartender how things have been going. "Oh, it's been pretty quiet for a Saturday, " says the bartender. "Not much going on. Just the Dooley twins getting drunk again."

Posted by: Model T Ford 21.Jul.2013, 04:33 PM

Then there are all the jokes at the expense of North America Indians, like Sitting Bull and Geronimo.

Remember the one when Sitting Bull was finally put out to pasture by Washington, and was running a side show where animals did all kinds of surprising things, like dogs drove cars, camels did cartwheels, sheep talked, etc.

One day during the performance, everything on the program was performed but the last item, the ewe talking.

When a customer complained, Sitting Bull hemmed, and hawed, only reluctantly blurting out: "She only lie!"

Posted by: Model T Ford 21.Jul.2013, 04:58 PM

Isn't July 21st a big joke itself when the Flemish played one on the French, and the Walloons on the Dutch by creating Belgium in 1831?

And we have been laughing about it ever since!

Reminded of the fact when a most rag-tag parade went by my apartment while I was writing the joke about Sitting Bull.

Looked like some effort to revive some long dead hope when the small group carried a statue of its first king on a wooden platform, King Albert, as I recall.

Is there some similar joke occurring around your neighborhood right now?

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 21.Jul.2013, 05:12 PM

The Swedish farmers in Minnesota were so upset by the government's new farm subsidy program that in their rage and displeasure they decided to march to Washington to protest...one week later they camped just outside Walla Walla.

Posted by: Hisingen 21.Jul.2013, 07:25 PM

And there was another IRA specialist who was sent to blow up the Queen Mary, but came back, mission unaccomplished.
"And why", the leader asked.
"Oi couldn't get me mouth round the funnel ! !"

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 21.Jul.2013, 08:03 PM

An old favorite of mine:

A shipwreck, the passengers...two Swedes, two Englishmen, two Germans, two Frenchmen and two Italians were able to reach an uninhabited island...

Years go by...

Finally rescuers reach the island and they find that:

The Englishmen have established a soccer league.

The Germans have created and Army and a Police department.

The Frenchmen have created five star restaurants.

The Italians are making wineries that produce wonderful wine.

And the Swedes are waiting to be introduced!!!

Posted by: Seamus Sean 21.Jul.2013, 11:29 PM

A Jew , a yank and a Swede are killed in a traffic accident and end up at the pearly gates where they meet St. Peter.

St.Peter explains that the world wide economic down turn has even been felt in heaven so the I.M.F are now forcing them to charge an entrance fee of €100.

The Yank whips out his wallet and pays St. Peter leaving a rather generous tip.

The Jew starts to haggle and the Swede just stands there waiting for his government to sort it out for him!

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 21.Jul.2013, 11:34 PM

Swede bashing!...Not Fair!...Irishmen cannot say that...LOL!

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 21.Jul.2013, 11:49 PM

Alright a reply in kind!

A Blonde joke...

The Blonde Irishman was in the forest hunting for food for his starving family...

A drop dead gorgeous red headed woman wearing no clothes at all slowly "slinked" by with a very provocative and sensual smile aimed at him, and a "come hither" look in her eyes.

The Irishman in awe asked...Lass, are ye game?

The woman replied...Aye, Lad, that I am!

So?...He shot her!

Posted by: Seamus Sean 22.Jul.2013, 07:00 AM

QUOTE (Gamla Hälsingebock @ 21.Jul.2013, 11:34 PM) *
Swede bashing!...Not Fair!...Irishmen cannot say that...LOL!

Hej Gamla Hälsingebock , I was waiting for someone to cry foul over the Swedbashing after 2 tame jokes, then just show them all the Irish jokes that had been told before hand. It´s a wonder the usual chip on the shoulder lads weren´t out protesting...must be off on holidays?

I see the Scots are getting away very lightly here so here´s one for all the skirt wearing haggis munchers out there!

An elderly American couple are on a driving holiday in the Highlands and happen upon a quaint little village, just a few houses, a kirk and off course the village pub. Feeling a little peckish they enter the pub and order some lunch, he orders a pie and a half pint of ale, she goes for a sandwich and a glass of white wine.

They quickly notice they are the only customers, which they find strange as it is lunchtime and even more strange when they get their bill. 3 pence for the lot!!!

The man goes to the bar to pay and askes has there been a mistake with the bill.

"No sir" the barman replies, "this pub first opened her doors 250 years ago today so to mark the anniversary we are having everything at the same price as the day we opened"

The American is impressed but again he looks around at the near empty bar and asks..

"But where are all the locals?"

The barman returning the gents change, gives a grunt and says...

"Oh that lot?? They are all waiting for Happy hour!" tongue.gif

Posted by: Snood 22.Jul.2013, 10:19 AM

Norwegian jokes always remind me of this: http://satwcomic.com/they-re-so-stupid

Posted by: avro10 22.Jul.2013, 11:46 AM

Big Brown Bear Joke
Nicklas, from Gothenburg, was very excited about his new hunting rifle and decides to try the ultimate; Big Brown Bear hunting.
He travels over to wildest Alaska, spends three weeks scouting around and eventually spots a small Black Bear and shoots it, bang, dead!
Right after this, when he is studying the carcass and admiring his one-shot-kill, there is a tap on his shoulder and he turns around to see a medium sized Brown Bear that immediately knocks the rifle out of his hands and pins him to a tree.
Then the medium Brown Bear says, "That was a mistake...that was my cousin you have just shot and I'm going to give you two choices... Either I maul you slowly to death with my 10cm claws or we have sex."
After considering the alternatives briefly, Nicklas decides that he doesn’t want to die and accedes to the latter one.
So the medium Brown Bear has his savage way with Nicklas bent over a handy fallen tree.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Nicklas soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He heads out on another trip back to Alaska where eventually after six weeks searching he finds the very same medium Brown Bear and shoots it, bang, dead!
Right after that, again when he is admiring his handy-work there is another tap on his shoulder.
Turning around slowly this time a huge Grizzly Bear knocks the rifle out of his hand and pins him to the ground.
The Grizzly says, "That was a real big mistake, Nicklas. That was my cousin and you've got two choices…Either I maul you slowly to death with my 15cm claws or we have rough animal sex here and now."
Again, Nicklas thought it was better to cooperate with the Grizzly Bear than be mauled to death. So the Grizzly has his smelly, agonising way with Nicklas.
Although he survives, it takes several months before Nicklas is fully recovered.
By then Nicklas is completely outraged, so he buys the most expensive and largest bore hunting rifle he can find and heads back to Alaska and manages to track down that darn Grizzly Bear after 11 weeks tracking and searching and shoot it, BANG, dead.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, in the middle of his victory dance there is another tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find a Big Brown Bear standing there.
The Big Brown Bear looks at him very sadly and says,
"Admit it Nicklas, you don't come here for the hunting, do you??"

Posted by: Hisingen 22.Jul.2013, 01:08 PM

Two immigrants from the same country lived next door to each other, and were pretty good pals, doing things together, parties and the like. Then one of them decided to take out Swedish nationalityOn the day his papers were complete and he was a 'fully fledged Swede' he goes out and knocks on the door of his previous countryman.
The friend comes to the door, but before he could congratulate his friend, the 'friend' shouts at him "Bloody foreigner".
End of story - and end of friendship.
____________________________________________________

The next is true, and was on Sveriges Radio back in the early 1960's.

There was a shortage of housing in Göteborg (strange that things haven't changed in 50 years - same politics perhaps??), and a reporter was interviewing people to get their reactions and views on the subject.

One man who was interviewed replied more or less like this - -

"Dett är alla dessa ootlänninggar som koomma hidt og tar alla voora leegenhedder."

Clearly a genuine Göteborgare - - - - After all it is a pretty cosmopolitan city.

Posted by: avro10 22.Jul.2013, 03:53 PM

Just to prove how hard us Scottish guys are!
The scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, and stars twinkling in the dark sky.
Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Scotland, one from South Africa and one from New Zealand.
Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...
Kevin the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest, hand glider pilot there is.
Why, just the other day I lindid in a field and scared a crocodile, who came out of the swamp and ate six men who were standin close by. I grabbed the crocodile and wrestled him to the ground and killed him with my bare hands"
Hansie from South Africa who typically can't stand to be bettered said, "Well you guys, I landed after a 400 km flight in my hand glider onto a tiny trail, and a Namibian snake slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grabbed de bastard with me bare hands and beat its head off end then sucked the poison from its body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today"
Angus the Scotsman remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

Posted by: bobthedog 23.Jul.2013, 01:53 PM

A rabbi nearing the end of his craves pork.

To hide his shame he drives to a distant town where no one will recognise him and goes into a restaurant which and orders some pork.

Some minutes later the waiter serves up an enormous suckling pig with all the trimmings and an apple in its mouth.

Just as the rabbi is about to tuck in and to his horror, he sees, looking back at him from the other side of the restaurant, a well known and influential member of his synagogue's congregation. Thinking quickly, he acknowledges the other man's look and and says

"Just look at the way they serve apples in this place" !

Posted by: bobthedog 23.Jul.2013, 02:00 PM

A rabbi and a priest, the two principal clergymen in a town, come, over the years, to be good friends, finding mutual comfort in sharing the joys and the tribulations of a life of the cloth. It doesn’t hurt that they also share a love of golf.

One day, they are in the midst of playing a round, when the priest turns to the rabbi.

“Jacob,” he says, “there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you, but I’ve always felt it was a bit of an insensitive question. But we know each other so well by now, I feel like I can ask. As a Jew, you’re forbidden to eat pork.”

“Certainly,” replies the rabbi.

“But you live among gentiles who eat pork regularly. Have you ever been tempted to try it?”

The rabbi sighs. “Yes, yes I have – more than that, I gave into temptation. While I was studying for the rabbinate, one evening, I went out and had bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich. I don’t even know why I did it – I guess I was curious.”

The priest nods, as if to say, “I’m sure God forgives you,” and then asks, “did you like it?”

The rabbi nods. “I must admit, it was delicious.”

The priest nods again, as if to say, “I thought as much,” and they go on with their game.

A couple of holes later, the rabbi turns to the priest.

“Michael,” he says, “since you asked a question of me, there is one I’ve always meant to ask of you.”

The priest smiles. “Certainly, Jacob – anything you like.”

“Okay. So, as a priest, you are forbidden to have sexual relations with a woman, am I right?”

The priest nods, seriously. “Yes, that’s right. We are called to celibacy.”

“But were you never tempted to break your vow?”

The priest is quiet for a long time. Finally he speaks. “Yes, yes I was. More than that, I gave in to temptation. For about a year, many years ago, I had a girlfriend.”

The rabbi smiles, as if to say, “I don’t judge you,” and then asks, “Michael, do you mind if I ask you one more question?”

The priest nods. The rabbi puts his hand on the priest’s shoulder, and leans toward him.

“Better than pork, wasn’t she?”

Posted by: Jamshidtash 25.Jul.2013, 03:47 PM

Brazilian monkey always dream to be an asylum in Sweden, but he had no idea how to be...so he post on thelocal and asked people how to be an asylum. Of course people in thelocal were so "friendly" and always made "friendly" jokes, one of them wrote: ''jump from 9th floor and if you survive, you will become an asylum in Sweden''.

Monkey was very smart, so he didn't jump but only climb down slooowly...when he was almost on 3rd floor, he suddenly fell down to the ground.

Other people saw the accident and run to help him, he opens his eyes and says: ''f*ck of here and don't touch me... you bloody Brazilians...what a stinky country you live in...Call the Swedish embassy now I and tell them that almost Swedish citizen needs evacuation to Stockholms suburb... )))))))) ' cool.gif '

Posted by: Model T Ford 25.Jul.2013, 04:17 PM

There are many jokes at the expense of America lawyers, but I got a good laugh over this one I just saw on the internet:

Four men were traveling on a train, and they soon started bragging about their home countries.

The Cuban was so thrilled about the bounty of the island nation that he took one of its cigars he was talking about and smoking, and threw it out the window.

The Frenchmen did exactly the same thing with a piece of cheese he was chewing on.

Then an American of unknown occupation picked up his fellow countryman, a lawyer, and threw him out the window!

(If you feel down at the dumps some time, look up the jokes.)

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 25.Jul.2013, 04:32 PM

What do you get when you crossbreed a lawyer and an artichoke???

An artichoke without a heart!!!

Posted by: Model T Ford 25.Jul.2013, 04:35 PM

Good one, old sock. smile.gif

Posted by: Jamshidtash 25.Jul.2013, 05:20 PM

Presidents of USA, Russia and XXX country were sitting together in the bar and drinking a beer while chatting friendly to each other.

Obama said, generally my citizens earn 5000$ per month and 1500$ they spend for renting, 1000$ for eating and other stuff and I have no idea for what do they spend 2500$.

Mr. Putin said, generally my citizens earn 2000$ per month and they spend 500$ for mortgage, 500$ for vodka and I've no idea for what do they spend rest 1000$.

Mr. XXX said, the highest salary in my country is 200$, and at least 500$ need for renting and 500$ for eating, food and so on...and I've no idea where do they get rest 800$... ))))

Posted by: Svensksmith 25.Jul.2013, 07:11 PM

New guy, first night in prison. He hears someone down the cellblock shout out the number 263 and the whole cellblock erupts in laughter. A few minutes later he hears someone else shout 478 and, again, the whole cellblock roars. Then, someone shouts out 823, followed by laughter.

He asks his cellmate what the deal is and his cellmate replies, "Well, we've been in here so long, we know all everyone's jokes by heart, so we numbered them to save time."

"That's great," says the new guy, "can I try?"

"Go ahead," replies his cellmate.

"43," shouts the new guy. No one laughs. "148!" Nothing, not a peep. "675!" Silence. "What the hell. Why doesn't anyone laugh?" asks the new guy.

"Well," says his cellmate, "some people can tell jokes and others can't."

Posted by: Hisingen 25.Jul.2013, 07:24 PM

This young vicar had just got married, and the ceremony and the whole wedding breakfast had left him more than a little moved. Eventually it was time for he and his new bride to retire, which they did.
But to his new bride's surprise and disappointment, her new vicar husband took a chair and went out onto the balcony and sat himself down, looking avidly at the sky and the surroundings.
Eventually the young lady grew tired of sitting in the bed alone, after all, this was her wedding night and she was filled with great expectations.
"Darling," she cried out. "Won't you come indoors and come to bed and keep me company"
"Later my dear, later. My Mummy told me that this would be the most wonderful night of my life, and I just don't want to miss a moment of it - - - - -" cool.gif

Posted by: Seamus Sean 26.Jul.2013, 12:05 AM

A couple have been married 3 or 4 years and are lying in bed wrapped up in each others arms one night when she asks him...

"How many women have you ever slept with?"

This wasn´t an unusual question, she had asked him a number of times before and he always refused to answer, but this night he did answer, maybe it was that warm post love making glow that made him willing to answer so honestly...we´ll never know for sure I guess for he answered her...

"Well let me see now...1,2,3,4,5 ahmm, 6,7,8 you, 10,11,12..."

May he rest in peace! biggrin.gif

Posted by: Svensksmith 10.Aug.2013, 10:06 PM

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!!

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 11.Aug.2013, 05:49 AM

laugh.gif

Posted by: Svensksmith 2.Nov.2013, 01:58 PM

Subject:
FW: The Irish Wrestler
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to
square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the
final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to
him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research
we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match
because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you
do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he
does, you're finished.'
The Irishman
nodded in acknowledgment.
As the
match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled
each other several times, looking for an opening. All
of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the
Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel
hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd
and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for
he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the
inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there
was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the
crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to
watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back
hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on
top of him, making the pin and winning the
match.
The trainer was astounded. When he
finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you
ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done
it before!'
The wrestler answered
'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that
hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw
this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I
had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of
strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies
just as hard as I could.'
The trainer
exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not
really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you
bite your own
nuts.

Posted by: Hisingen 3.Nov.2013, 12:30 PM

Confucius - he velly wise man. He say "Man who naughty girl on side of hill - he not on level."

Posted by: intrepidfox 3.Nov.2013, 07:32 PM

When royalty has a child there is a 21 gun salute.
When a nun has a child the canon is fired.

Posted by: Seamus Sean 26.Nov.2013, 11:23 AM

A few short ones...you may have heard them before but they can still get a giggle! smile.gif



Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him "Do you want the winner of the next race ?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, I've only got a small garden."

A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.
The driver won

Posted by: Ivor stephé 26.Nov.2013, 11:27 AM

How many Ginger people does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They prefer to sit in the dark.

Posted by: Hisingen 26.Nov.2013, 09:42 PM

Confucious he velly wise man. He say
"Man who commit adultery - he get in hole.
Man who commit buggery, he get in s**t."

Posted by: Svensksmith 26.Nov.2013, 10:51 PM

Confcious says: Man who farts in church sits in his own pew.

Posted by: jack sprat 30.Nov.2013, 08:21 PM

Murphy goes to the doctor covered in bandages up to his neck and blood pouring down the side of his face.

Doc says "Whatever happened to you" ?

Murphy says "Well I got a tin of peas out to fix a meal and the instructions said,...Stand in Boiling Water and Pierce ere"

Posted by: Svensksmith 12.Jan.2014, 03:40 PM

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Gentleman Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a... while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2 The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3.. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 12.Jan.2014, 05:36 PM

Priceless!!! laugh.gif

Posted by: Seamus Sean 12.Jan.2014, 05:54 PM

An Italian and his 6 year old son, Luigi, go into a clothing shop. "May I help you?" says the salesman.
"Yes" says the father, I'd like a nice sweater for me and a pair of trousers for my son Luigi - WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD!', and he slaps little Luigi around the head several times. Shocked by this attack the salesman asks, "Will that be all sir?"
"No" says the father. "I'd like a pair of shoes for me and a pair for Luigi - WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD!" and he slaps little Luigi again.
"Now just wait a minute" protests the salesman. "You can't keep hitting that poor boy like that - why do you keep hitting him?"
"Why do I keep hitting Luigi - WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD?' yells the father, bashing Luigi again. 'Well, I'll tell you!" he says. "When I met his mamma, Maria, she wassa eighteen years old, she hada a perfect body, the most beautiful breasts I ever saw - and the nicest, tighta pussy ina the whole suburb - until along comma Luigi WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD!"'
--

Posted by: Svensksmith 12.Jan.2014, 10:17 PM

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's
merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is
going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up
to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in
a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well.
Only two left."

Posted by: Hisingen 13.Jan.2014, 12:18 AM

There were several guys in line for a hanging, it was one of those neck-tie parties in the wild west. A couple of Danes, a couple of Swedes and a Norwegian. With the judge looking on to 'see justice was done'.
Fortunately for them the builders of the gallows had not done a very good job, and as the hangman pulled the lever for the trap, for the first Dane, it didn't open. So, in true judicial style, the judge pronounced a reprieve.
This was repeated with the second Dane, then the first Swede, and then the second Swede. All reprieved as the trap would not open.
Then it was the turn of the Norwegian, who happened to look down.
"Hey - Now I can see what the problem is." and hastily bent down to fix it. - - - - - -

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 13.Jan.2014, 01:13 AM

laugh.gif

Posted by: Ivor stephé 13.Jan.2014, 01:25 AM

Paddy just told me that he robbed a shop last night.
"What did you get?", I asked.

"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 13.Jan.2014, 02:08 AM

I protest!!!

This thread has sunk to the bottom of callousness and indecency!!!

All I read is the stereotypical representation of different ethnic peoples shown in extremely poor circumstances and taste!!!

If minorities were the authors of this outrage they would be chastised and scorned for being RACISTS!!!

Any people of color here, that want to agree??? rolleyes.gif

laugh.gif x 3

Posted by: Seamus Sean 13.Jan.2014, 07:32 AM

QUOTE (Gamla H?lsingebock @ 13.Jan.2014, 02:08 AM) *
I protest!!!

This thread has sunk to the bottom of callousness and indecency!!!

All I read is the stereotypical representation of different ethnic peoples shown in extremely poor circumstances and taste!!!

If minorities were the authors of this outrage they would be chastised and scorned for being RACISTS!!!

Any people of color here, that want to agree??? rolleyes.gif

laugh.gif x 3



Ivor surely can?t be racist? Didn?t be come out as being black last week, casting away his proud Norsk/Scots heritage he can now be seen sporting dreadlocks and playing Bob Marley all day long!

So he can?t be racist cause he is black! blink.gif

Posted by: Hisingen 13.Jan.2014, 11:19 AM

Now we must wait and see what next Sunday brings, eh? Maybe Ivor Complex will eventually show his true colours. Oops.

tongue.gif

Posted by: Ivor stephé 13.Jan.2014, 02:48 PM

QUOTE (Seamus Sean @ 13.Jan.2014, 07:32 AM) *
he can now be seen sporting dreadlocks and playing Bob Marley all day long!


Hair envy ?

Posted by: Seamus Sean 13.Jan.2014, 03:37 PM

QUOTE (Ivor steph? @ 13.Jan.2014, 02:48 PM) *
Hair envy ?



Still mocking cancer patients I see...what a scumbag you are!

Posted by: Hisingen 14.Jan.2014, 11:07 AM

There was this guy with a thick shock of hair, who went to the doctor's complaining of headaches.
He came back out very disgruntled as the doctor said he couldn't treat him. When asked why, he replied that the doctor had said that he couldn't see the wood for the fleas.
tongue.gif

Posted by: Molihua Matsurika 16.Jan.2014, 05:02 PM

It's not the fart that kills; it's the sm?ll

cool.gif

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 17.Jan.2014, 01:56 AM

I thought this might be correct for this thread...it's what is going on in New York today. rolleyes.gif

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/14/devil-baby-attacks-nyc-thinkmodo_n_4596931.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

Posted by: Ivor stephé 17.Jan.2014, 02:22 AM

I didn't think the royal birth was until mid February? Still it does look and behave like its grandfather.

Posted by: Seamus Sean 17.Jan.2014, 07:22 AM

Even mocking the unborn now!



Lower than a rattlesnakes belly is our Ivor!


I can see why you spent all Xmas on here posting, with an attitude like yours how could you have mates!


I hope the wee baby is born fine and healthy, if you dislike someone you don

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 17.Jan.2014, 02:02 PM

I thought that we did "dead" corpses already laugh.gif

Posted by: Seamus Sean 17.Jan.2014, 02:20 PM

QUOTE (Gamla H?lsingebock @ 17.Jan.2014, 02:02 PM) *
I thought that we did "dead" corpses already laugh.gif



Necrophilia??

And less of the WE if that is what you are on about!

I was just listing some of the more memorable topics lil`Ivor has been getting worked up over, I could have mentioned ?many more.

Anyway...where?s the humour...the jokes, it?s Friday start the weekend with a giggle! biggrin.gif

Posted by: Ivor stephé 17.Jan.2014, 02:32 PM

Sid was the victim of ID theft, now he is just called S.

Posted by: Seamus Sean 17.Jan.2014, 02:52 PM

Gamla you and your dead corpses got me thinking and a joke I heard many moons ago came back to me...


In Holland you have of course legal ladies of the night and brothels and such but there are still back street run brothels and one night a raid on such a premises took place.

There was squad cars and paddy wagons and cops all over the place, scantily dressed young women being led away to one wagon the customers being led to another.

On the top floor of the building the police entered a room and found a pretty young girl astride a dead man, a corpse, a dead corpse even, this was a new one even for the Dutch coppers.

Not knowing what to charge her with the judge was summoned, a grumpy man at the best of times his humour was far from good at 4am that cold winters morning, he read the cops report and demanded he see the girl in question.

She was led into the room he was sat in and he looked her up and down and spoke...

"I can see you are a very pretty and seemingly intelligent young woman" he said in a sympathetic voice "Now what in God

Posted by: Ivor stephé 17.Jan.2014, 03:01 PM

QUOTE
paddy wagons


Is that like a horse and cart/caravan? please elaborate.

Posted by: Seamus Sean 17.Jan.2014, 03:30 PM

QUOTE (Ivor steph? @ 17.Jan.2014, 03:01 PM) *
Is that like a horse and cart/caravan? please elaborate.



I keep forgetting there are those such as yourself that need jokes explained...I know how that poor blind guy a jokes back felt!

Anyway Ivor I shall educate you, during the American civil war when my ancestors were forced to go fight and free your ancestors many didn?t agree with the way the wealthy could buy their way outta the draft and they rioted.

Most of those rioting were Irish so the name given to the wagons taking them away was Paddy wagon and the name remains today.

You don?t know much Ivor but stick around kid and we?ll teach you a thing or two...dead corpse...still cracks me up that one! biggrin.gif

Posted by: Ivor stephé 17.Jan.2014, 03:49 PM

Thanks for clearing that up.

I didn't realise that the Irish were so synonymous with rioting, that law enforcement felt the need to name an incarceration vehicle after them.

Posted by: Seamus Sean 17.Jan.2014, 04:07 PM

QUOTE (Ivor steph? @ 17.Jan.2014, 03:49 PM) *
Thanks for clearing that up.

I didn't realise that the Irish were so synonymous with rioting, that law enforcement felt the need to name an incarceration vehicle after them.



It was more a case of fighting back against an injustice, the rich and privileged could pay money and avoid being sent to war were as the Irish were expected to go fight to free your people from a life of cotton picking.

I hope you don?t get the wrong idea and think the riots were like the ones your people had in LA when a drugged up drunk driver was caught speeding and brutally beaten by the cops or recently in London when the police shot and killed another one of your people and lots of your people went looting and such for days.

Maybe it?s time they changed the name from paddy to something else...any suggestions Ivor?

Posted by: Ivor stephé 17.Jan.2014, 04:11 PM

What exactly is "my people"?

Posted by: Seamus Sean 17.Jan.2014, 04:29 PM

QUOTE (Ivor steph? @ 17.Jan.2014, 04:11 PM) *
What exactly is "my people"?



That should be "Who are my people?" Ivor. No need to thank me again for clearing things up for you...we are here to educate you! wink.gif

Posted by: Ivor stephé 17.Jan.2014, 04:33 PM

QUOTE (Seamus Sean @ 17.Jan.2014, 04:07 PM) *
free your people.


QUOTE (Seamus Sean @ 17.Jan.2014, 04:07 PM) *
your people


QUOTE (Seamus Sean @ 17.Jan.2014, 04:07 PM) *
your people



QUOTE (Seamus Sean @ 17.Jan.2014, 04:07 PM) *
lots of your people.


I will ask again, who are these people you refer to?
Or are you too scared to stand behind your views?

Posted by: Seamus Sean 17.Jan.2014, 04:52 PM

Well done Ivor, I am most impressed that you saw where you made the mistake in your previous post, saying what instead of who and have now taken on board what I thought you and now your question is being asked correctly.

I will try and help you in anyway I can.

Much improved Ivor! smile.gif

Posted by: Hisingen 17.Jan.2014, 04:58 PM

Seamus Boyo, is it yourself that is now given to extracting the Michael?
Sure, bejabers, we'll be callin' the Paddy wagon out for you before your can say Guinness.

tongue.gif tongue.gif

Posted by: Seamus Sean 17.Jan.2014, 05:14 PM

Tis indeed Hisinggen...I hope I didn

Posted by: Hisingen 17.Jan.2014, 05:31 PM

When you think of all the jokes told about 'an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman' and depending upon which is telling it, then we all come out as the loser at one time or another.
Same with the Scandinavians, hence here in Sweden it is usually the Norwegian that comes out second best. But that is the point of humour, you give and take.
Unfortunately when you turn on the TV and get some of today's so-called comedians telling what they think are funny jokes, they basically consist of four-letter words and sexual innuendos, and are about as funny as - well I leave that to you.
One of my favourite comedians is Ken Dodd, who, despite his advancing years, can still have the audience rolling in the aisles.
People say that we have to accept today's coarseness, since it is 'everyday'. But I am old-fashioned in that respect, and when a comedian gets coarse, as so many do, I simply turn them off. Humour does not need that. And jokes that make you pause and think for a second or two often are far funnier than the blatant kind.
On BBC the other evening there was a program with one of Ireland's greats. You surely know who I mean - Dave Allen. He gave us hours of sheer fun. Alas there are very few like him today.

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 17.Jan.2014, 06:09 PM

That brings to mind one stanza of the Norwegian national anthem:...

"Ten thousand Swedes running through the weeds...being chased by...one Norwegian"!!!

Posted by: intrepidfox 17.Jan.2014, 06:14 PM

An Englishman, a Scot and and Irishman all get ten years in prison. They all get one request. The Englishman asks for lots of girls, the Scot asks for lots of booze and the Irishman asks for cigarettes.
Ten years later they open the cells. The Englishman is shattered, the Scot is pissed and the Irishman asks for a light

Posted by: intrepidfox 17.Jan.2014, 06:19 PM

One i always liked.

One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys* got up to fight,
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other,
One was blind and the other couldn't, see
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"
A paralysed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye,
Knocked him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came to arrest the two dead boys,
If you don't believe this story

Posted by: Hisingen 17.Jan.2014, 06:20 PM

A little Cockney lad was walking past a tailor's shop in the East End, when, looking up, he read the sign.
"Isaac Schink. Vad you tink. I make suits for nuttink."
In the need of a new suit. the Cockney went in, got measured, and placed his order, to be collected the next week.
The next week arrives, and our little Cockney goes back to the shop to collect his suit, and is both dismayed and shocked to be presented with quite a hefty bill.
But your sign says "Isaac Schink. Vad you tink. I make suits for nuttink." he complained.
"My boy, you got it wrong. That ain't vad it says at all. This is vad it says." and the tailor gives the Cockney the true version of his sign.
"Isaac Schink."
"VAD??"
"You tink I make suits for nuttink????????"

It's all in the saying. don't you agree?

rolleyes.gif

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 17.Jan.2014, 06:22 PM

That's what happens to people who put their elbows in their ears!

Posted by: Seamus Sean 17.Jan.2014, 08:51 PM

At the risk of repeating myself, here is one of my favourite jokes about the 3 lads...lets call them all Paddy in honour of the wagon...

The 3 Paddies found themselves in London, broke and out of work.
One day Paddy the English spotted an ad on the paper, the Metropolitan force were recruiting. A steady job, decent wages, pension and you didn

Posted by: Ivor stephé 17.Jan.2014, 10:02 PM

I saw a Leprechaun this morning with half its face and an arm hanging limp. I thought, thats a stroke of luck.

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 18.Jan.2014, 03:00 AM

Wait a minute!!! Shouldn't these jokes only be posted on Sundays???

Posted by: Ivor stephé 18.Jan.2014, 03:29 AM

Not on a Sunday!
I do think some people have weddings and similar church events to go to.
It just wouldn't be right to make jokes on Sabbath.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2157662/My-Big-Fat-Gypsy-Wedding-star-makes-public-appearance-announcing-plans-divorce.html

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 18.Jan.2014, 04:45 AM

I disagree the OP wanted to spice up a slow Sunday...Ergo this thread!!!

Posted by: Seamus Sean 18.Jan.2014, 10:45 AM

QUOTE (Gamla H?lsingebock @ 18.Jan.2014, 04:45 AM) *
I disagree the OP wanted to spice up a slow Sunday...Ergo this thread!!!



Sunday...Friday whenever, all that matters is we try and bring a little bit of humour into people?s lives, give them a giggle, cheer them up, life can be a drag so if you can make someone smile regardless of the day then do it!



personally I would prefer if Ivor could restrict his posting to just one date...Feb 29th would be great...but it?s a free world and he and his kind are free to post when they want! smile.gif

Posted by: Ivor stephé 18.Jan.2014, 11:16 AM

I saw a ginger guy at the self checkout of our local ICA food store.
When all of a suden we hear "unexpected item in the bagging area"

Condoms.

Posted by: Seamus Sean 18.Jan.2014, 11:52 AM

QUOTE (Ivor steph? @ 18.Jan.2014, 11:16 AM) *
I saw a ginger guy at the self checkout of our local ICA food store.
When all of a suden we hear "unexpected item in the bagging area"

Condoms.



Why would they be speaking in English in your local ICA?

Don?t they know 14% of people in Sweden can?t speak English?


And I see you are not only racist but consider minority groups such as ginger people as being fair game when it comes to your mocking!

By the way when was the last time you bought a pack of rubbers?




and any chance you could find a funny joke now and then?

Posted by: Kn33grow 18.Jan.2014, 12:07 PM

Pathetic.Give it a break dude,take your crusade against Ivor his people and his ancestors through Private message.

Why act so childish?

Posted by: Seamus Sean 18.Jan.2014, 12:58 PM

QUOTE (Kn33grow @ 18.Jan.2014, 12:07 PM) *
Pathetic.Give it a break dude,take your crusade against Ivor his people and his ancestors through Private message.

Why act so childish?



What crusade?

If Ivor mocks me I think in this free world we find ourselves living in that I should be allowed to have a pop back...or should it just be one way??


By the way this thread is about jokes...and you aren

Posted by: Seamus Sean 18.Jan.2014, 01:07 PM

Late at night a man was walking homeward on the dark streets of Belfast when suddenly he felt a gun in his back and a whispered voice in his ear asked

Posted by: Hallander 18.Jan.2014, 01:11 PM

[quote]By the way this thread is about jokes...and you aren

Posted by: Seamus Sean 18.Jan.2014, 02:19 PM

QUOTE (Hallander @ 18.Jan.2014, 01:11 PM) *
Nor are you.



Hey you

Posted by: Seamus Sean 18.Jan.2014, 04:38 PM

What's the difference between a tea bag and Man United?







A tea bag stays in a cup longer. laugh.gif

Posted by: Svensksmith 18.Jan.2014, 05:12 PM

A woman places her purchases on the conveyer belt at the check out station of the grocery store: a loaf of bread, a carton of milk, a can of coffee, a bunch of bananas and a box of cereal. An obviously drunk man who is standing in line behind her states, "I bet you're single."

The woman studies her purchases and can't understand how he can deduce that she is indeed unmarried. "Yes, I am single, how did you know," she asks?

"Cuz you're ugly".

Posted by: Ivor stephé 18.Jan.2014, 05:29 PM

How do you make a Gypsy take a bath?
Leave it in your garden.

Posted by: Seamus Sean 18.Jan.2014, 06:04 PM

QUOTE (Svensksmith @ 18.Jan.2014, 05:12 PM) *
A woman places her purchases on the conveyer belt at the check out station of the grocery store: a loaf of bread, a carton of milk, a can of coffee, a bunch of bananas and a box of cereal. An obviously drunk man who is standing in line behind her states, "I bet you're single."

The woman studies her purchases and can't understand how he can deduce that she is indeed unmarried. "Yes, I am single, how did you know," she asks?

"Cuz you're ugly".



biggrin.gif biggrin.gif


a similar one...hey could have been the same lady...

the woman gets to the checkout, two kids in tow and as she is loading up her stuff the guy at the till asks her...

"Are they twins?"

"No" she replies some what bemused, "Mary is 10 and Johnny is 6, why do you think they look alike?" she asks...

"Not a bit" he says, "It

Posted by: Seamus Sean 19.Jan.2014, 10:45 AM

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.

The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch.

As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?"

And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!"

And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the
housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?"

So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Posted by: Hisingen 19.Jan.2014, 02:15 PM

You can always tell the English,
You can always tell the Dutch.
You can always tell a Yankee
But you cannot tell

Posted by: Hisingen 19.Jan.2014, 02:37 PM

Sign at a barber's shop i Beijing.

"Haircuts half price today.
Only one per customer."

Posted by: Seamus Sean 19.Jan.2014, 03:12 PM

QUOTE (Hisingen @ 19.Jan.2014, 02:37 PM) *
Sign at a barber's shop i Beijing.

"Haircuts half price today.
Only one per customer."


biggrin.gif

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 19.Jan.2014, 04:14 PM

Menu selection...in a cannibal restaurant:

Englishmen...$3.00

Irishmen...$3.00

Germans...$3.00

Italians...$3.00

Danes...$3.00

Norwegians...$3.00

Swedes...$137.50

After reading the menu a woman summoned the waiter and asked why the Swedes cost so much...To which the waiter replied...Lady, did you ever try to clean one of those people???

Posted by: Seamus Sean 19.Jan.2014, 04:17 PM

Little Anne was not the best student in religion class.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,

"Tell me, Anne, who created the universe?"

When Anne didn't stir, little Johnny, in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Anne and the teacher said, "Very good" and Anne fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Anne, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, Anne didn't even stir from her slumber.

Again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Anne and the teacher said,"very good," and Anne fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Anne a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Anne jumped up and shouted,

"IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 19.Jan.2014, 04:56 PM

Not a joke but a dog "funny"!!!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/15/husky-says-no-to-kennel-trip-video_n_4602117.html

Posted by: Svensksmith 20.Jan.2014, 09:55 PM

How yodeling began in Switzerland ...


Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland .


Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.


The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.


As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'


'That fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'


The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry .' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.


About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.


The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour.


Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.


The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.


When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying good-bye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'



'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.


The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'


The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out...





''LAIDTHEOLADEETOO''

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 20.Jan.2014, 11:49 PM

laugh.gif

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 21.Jan.2014, 12:00 AM

I've been around here long enough to know that most of you have a keen interest and burning desire to learn...are you ready???...How Tarzan acquired has famous jungle call...So I'll take a few moments and tell you...

One day Tarzan was swinging through the jungle using vines as a method of transportation...he saw Jane walking on foot, so as he approached he offered her a ride by saying "Jane grab the vine"...obediently, Jane reached up and grabbed what she thought was the vine!!!

And that's how Tarzan got his call!!! rolleyes.gif

And then that may be over the heads of some of you!!! laugh.gif

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 22.Jan.2014, 07:43 PM

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV.

Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?"

"Do what?" asked Mick.

"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin

Posted by: Ivor stephé 22.Jan.2014, 08:51 PM

laugh.gif

Posted by: Lanza572 22.Jan.2014, 08:51 PM

Not so much a joke..but I liked it biggrin.gif

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking
their mid-term exam. The last question was,'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think
of seven advantages However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and is
high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

Posted by: intrepidfox 22.Jan.2014, 08:57 PM

QUOTE (Lanza572 @ 22.Jan.2014, 08:51 PM) *
Not so much a joke..but I liked it biggrin.gif

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking
their mid-term exam. The last question was,'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think
of seven advantages However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and is
high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.


That reminds me of a girl taking her A level in English. The essay that they had to write was what do you see on the undergound.

She wrote that on the underground she saw posters, posters ...

She also got an A grade

Posted by: Hisingen 22.Jan.2014, 09:38 PM

Sign beside a field at an English farm:-

The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Posted by: Ivor stephé 22.Jan.2014, 09:43 PM

What did Freddie Mercury and Mike Tyson have in common?

They were both battered around the ring.

Posted by: Hisingen 22.Jan.2014, 09:46 PM

By the way - have you noticed that certain words in the postings have been 'tampered with' once posted, and refer to adverts when the cursor goes over them - - -

Seamus' quote of a text of mine, 'price', then half way through SvenskSmith's text 'food' and in GH's text 'watching' and 'money'.


To The Local -
Who is responsible for this intrusion??????????????????????? angry.gif angry.gif

They should be added to the cannibal restaurant menu - - -

Posted by: Lanza572 22.Jan.2014, 09:55 PM

QUOTE (Hisingen @ 22.Jan.2014, 09:46 PM) *
By the way - have you noticed that certain words in the postings have been 'tampered with' once posted, and refer to adverts when the cursor goes over them - - -

Seamus' quote of a text of mine, 'price', then half way through SvenskSmith's text 'food' and in GH's text 'watching' and 'money'.


To The Local -
Who is responsible for this intrusion??????????????????????? angry.gif angry.gif

They should be added to the cannibal restaurant menu - - -


+1 I've seen the same thing in other threads as well unsure.gif

Posted by: Hisingen 22.Jan.2014, 10:00 PM

QUOTE (Lanza572 @ 22.Jan.2014, 09:55 PM) *
+1 I've seen the same thing in other threads as well unsure.gif

Seems that The Local has sold 'advertising space' to Epson, since that is the company that appears each time. There are certain words picked out just about everywhere you look, not only in the Forum texts but in The Local's own texts as well.

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 22.Jan.2014, 10:43 PM

When I could not log on for a month or so...I guess I had an epiphany...I missed being here!!!

So, if TheLocal, can make a few bucks and keep this sorry excuse for a "playground" open:lol: ...Then I'm OK with what they do to keep us "inmates in protective custody" happy with each other and biting the hand that allows us to be...us!!! rolleyes.gif huh.gif

Posted by: Ivor stephé 22.Jan.2014, 11:54 PM

2 nuns are cycling down the road together, when one nun says "We never come this way before", to which her friend replied "it must be the cobble stones".

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 23.Jan.2014, 12:03 AM

A bit like Tarzan!!!

You have to think!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Hallander 23.Jan.2014, 10:42 AM

QUOTE
Seems that The Local has sold 'advertising space' to Epson, since that is the company that appears each time.

No, its more sophisticated targetted advertising. When I hover over that word, it comes up with an advt for tyres headed with my nearest town, saying that it 6 degrees and raining. Why do you think The Local leaves so many cookies ?

Edit Actually, the same advt on the word "raining" and its now 4 degrees biggrin.gif

Posted by: Seamus Sean 23.Jan.2014, 11:42 AM

QUOTE (Hallander @ 23.Jan.2014, 10:42 AM) *
No, its more sophisticated targetted advertising. When I hover over that word, it comes up with an advt for tyres headed with my nearest town, saying that it 6 degrees and raining. Why do you think The Local leaves so many cookies ?

Edit Actually, the same advt on the word "raining" and its now 4 degrees biggrin.gif



Still not funny...or maybe I just didn

Posted by: Hallander 23.Jan.2014, 12:05 PM

[quote]Still not funny...or maybe I just didn

Posted by: Seamus Sean 23.Jan.2014, 01:44 PM

QUOTE (Hallander @ 23.Jan.2014, 12:05 PM) *
Just stick to being the sites troll identifier. When you start getting that right...



I

Posted by: Svensksmith 23.Jan.2014, 03:20 PM

QUOTE (Ivor steph? @ 22.Jan.2014, 10:54 PM) *
2 nuns are cycling down the road together, when one nun says "We never come this way before", to which her friend replied "it must be the cobble stones".



Q: Why do you always see two nuns together?

A: One nun is making sure the other nun ain't getting none.

Posted by: Seamus Sean 23.Jan.2014, 04:59 PM

What do you call a sleep walking nun?








A roaming catholic. biggrin.gif

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 23.Jan.2014, 07:16 PM

What's black white, black white, black white???

A Nun rolling down a hill!!!

Posted by: Hisingen 24.Jan.2014, 05:09 PM

There was a young lady from Nod
Who wanted a baby from God.
But t'weren't the Almighty
That lifted her nightie
T'was Roger the Lodger the sod.

Posted by: Svensksmith 24.Jan.2014, 05:59 PM

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the flea, "Let us fly."
Said the fly, "Let us flea."
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.



Try that after a few beers...

Posted by: Hisingen 24.Jan.2014, 06:12 PM

Or this one.

Are you copper-bottoming, my man?
No, I'm aluminiuming m'am.

biggrin.gif

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 24.Jan.2014, 11:07 PM

Mary had a little lamb!!!

The delivery room staff were astounded.

And an old favorite..."Deck the halls with parts of Molly".

And then...Whats black, white and red???...A Nun after an accident...

Leaving now to hide in a dark corner of the barn... laugh.gif

Posted by: Seamus Sean 26.Jan.2014, 11:35 AM

I ran into two old mates yesterday, Paddy Power and William Hill...what

Posted by: Svensksmith 26.Jan.2014, 12:49 PM

Say, do you know the two gay Irishmen: Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael?

Posted by: Hisingen 26.Jan.2014, 01:05 PM

Don't go for a shave in India. This sign was seen in a barber's shop there:-
"Gentlemen's throats cut with very sharp razors with great care and skill. No irritating feeling afterwards."

Add to that, this sign was seen outside a hospital in the US:-
"Guard dogs operating."

Or this one in an English dry cleaners:-
"Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of."
(Shades of the Daleks?")

rolleyes.gif rolleyes.gif

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 27.Jan.2014, 10:54 PM

*Paddy texts his wife...*
*"Mary, I'm just having one more pint with the lads. **If I'm not home in 20 minutes read this message again"*


Aren't I guilty of Irish bashing???... laugh.gif

Posted by: Seamus Sean 28.Jan.2014, 07:10 AM

QUOTE (Gamla H?lsingebock @ 27.Jan.2014, 10:54 PM) *
*Paddy texts his wife...*
*"Mary, I'm just having one more pint with the lads. **If I'm not home in 20 minutes read this message again"*


Aren't I guilty of Irish bashing???... laugh.gif



Just a bit...but we aren?t as sensitive as some nationalities that post on here, so you don?t see any Irish go off on a rant about racist this or racist this.

By not reacting it shows what a mature, developed race of people we are.

There are a few on here and in the world proper that should follow our example and the world would be a far better place. smile.gif

Now I hope that covers me when I start on the Yank jokes Gamla?

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 28.Jan.2014, 04:42 PM

The Swedish farmers in Minnesota were so angry about the new Government farm subsidy bill/law that they decided to "march on Washington" in protest!!!

Two weeks later they were camped outside Walla Walla!!! rolleyes.gif

Posted by: Svensksmith 28.Jan.2014, 06:23 PM

Ole and Sven are discussing how to dig a good hole for the outhouse.

"Well," says Ole, " I dig a real big hole and den I move da shack over it and I sit down on the bench and I let one drop. Den I count a-one, a- two, a- three and den I hear it plop and I know it's good."

"Yeah, I do da same ting," says Sven. "I sit down and let one go and den I count a-one, a-two, a-three...a-four, a-five, a-six... Damn! It's stuck in my suspenders again!"

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 31.Jan.2014, 12:54 AM

Soooo, the "blonde" is driving her pink Cadillac convertible with the top down at 90 miles an hour...while knitting!!!

A motorcycle cop approaches and says...pull over!

The "blonde" replies...no, sweater!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Seamus Sean 3.Feb.2014, 03:40 PM

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.

I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?

"I used a diagram, your honor.. I drew two circles like this: O o.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle
is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. " 156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.
"I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said,
'This is your asshole before prison ... . ...

Posted by: Gordy 4.Feb.2014, 08:47 AM

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.

The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.

"I'll try," says a little old lady, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head so hard with the beer bottle."

Posted by: LLHope 6.Feb.2014, 01:13 AM

Man walks into a bar on Monday after work,
"10 pints of Guinness please."

Barman: "Er, OK, here you go..."

The man downs pint after pint, then keels over and passes out.

Barman, "Oh dear, is there anyone here that can take this guy home?"

"Oooooooo, I can" says a rather effeminate man at the corner table.

Next night, the Man comes into the bar again. "10 pints of Guinness please."

Barman, "Errr, ok, here you go".

The man downs pint after pint, then keels over and passes out!

Barman, "Oh dear, not again! Is there anyone here that can take this guy home?"

"Oooooooo, I can" says a rather effeminate man at the corner table.

...This continues for the rest of the week, each night the man comes in, drinks 10 pints of Guinness, keels over and passes out, and the man in the corner leaves with him...

The following Monday... Man walks into the bar.
"10 pints of lager please"

Barman, "Really! I thought you drank Guinness?"

Man: "Nah, have to give it up...it makes my arse sore!".

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 8.Feb.2014, 08:58 PM

She told me that she had stopped taking birth control pills...when I ask why...she said...they keep falling out!!!

Posted by: Hisingen 8.Feb.2014, 11:45 PM

They now have a pill for men, too. It is somewhat special since it must be put in your shoe. Once there, however, it makes you limp - - -

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 17.Feb.2014, 07:47 AM

Hillary Clinton asked her daughter, Chelsea if she had sex before marriage...her answer was..."not according to dad"!!!

Posted by: Svensksmith 18.Mar.2014, 02:27 PM

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed
between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make
you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the
gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a
house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an
interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them
"gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had
coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there
to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a
pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested
that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next
day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was
equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her
very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a
real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be
working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at
Lowe's ever deliver the damn sheet rock".

Posted by: Ivor stephé 18.Mar.2014, 02:37 PM

I bumped into a Romanian magician in the street.

He made my wallet disappear.

Posted by: Hisingen 18.Mar.2014, 02:40 PM

Too bad he didn't have a pocket big enough to take you too.

tongue.gif

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 18.Mar.2014, 04:41 PM

Any discussion with/about Romania!!!

Posted by: Ivor stephé 19.Mar.2014, 12:14 PM

When Hugh Hefner dies, he's asked to have his body liquidised. The old smoothie.

Posted by: Hisingen 19.Mar.2014, 02:58 PM

Ivor you are so sick.

Posted by: iulian911 20.Mar.2014, 11:01 AM

A Canadian, an American and a China man are stranded on a deserted island. The Canadian tells the others that he will be in charge of food. American volunteers to be in charge of water and the Chinese man says he will be in charge of supplies. They split up to do their jobs and decide to meet up later. When the Canadian and the American return, there is no sign of the Chinese man. Days pass by, but they still can't find their friend. One day as they are walking along a path, the Chinese man jumps from the bushes and yells "SUPPLIES!"

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 29.Mar.2014, 02:17 PM

I just got this and laughed out loud...Good one!!!




Hitler in the bunker video.
http://safeshare.tv/w/jyeqLxShwx

Posted by: Bsmith 17.Jun.2015, 12:52 PM

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she is late and suspects she may be pregnant. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born , my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him "You-a gonna try again!"

Posted by: Bsmith 24.Nov.2016, 06:10 PM

Dentist: This is gonna hurt a little.

Patient: Okay.

Dentist: I'm screwing your mom.

Posted by: Gjeebes 24.Nov.2016, 06:22 PM

So, these two Irishmun walk out of a pub.

WHAT...it's possible!

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 24.Nov.2016, 06:22 PM

Formerly posted...

When Donald trump moves into the White House, he will be the first American billionaire to occupy public housing...recently vacated by a black family...

Posted by: Bsmith 28.Nov.2016, 12:15 AM

A woman and a man meet at a rapid dating service

The man sits down and says, "I've only got three questions.""OK," replies the woman. He asks, "do you like to clean?" She says, "I love cleaning." He asks, "do you like to cook?" She says, "I love cooking."He says, "Fantastic, But I have one last question. Do you like sex?" She says, "I like it infrequently."He says, "Umm, is that one word or two?"

Posted by: mjennin2 1.Dec.2016, 09:42 PM

So a blonde, a brunette and a red head are stranded on a deserted island when they happen upon a magic genie lamp.

The genie offers them each 1 wish.

Brunette (Br): I wish I was at home with my family and a large steak dinner. *POOF* Granted.
Red Head (RH): I wish I was at home with my family and a large steak dinner, with a million dollars in my pocket. *POOF* Granted.
Blonde (Bl): [Thinks for a moment or two]: Well I sure am getting lonely, I wish my friends were back here with me. *POOF* Granted!

Not enough funny??? Ok, let's continue tongue.gif

So they're all stuck on the island again and decide to swim for mainland.

Br: [Swims 25% of the way but gets tired and turns around]
RH: [Swims 33% of the way but gets tired and turns around]
Bl: [Swims 50% of the way but gets tired and turns around]

Get it? She swam a total of 100% of the way??? laugh.gif

Ok, I'll redeem myself...

So, the three girls are back on the deserted island but then they get overrun by hostile natives. They tie the girls up and draw their bow n' arrows.

Natives: Ready... aim...
Br: TSUNAMI!!
...the natives turn around and the brunette is able to escape. So the natives turn to the red head.

Natives: Ready...aim...
RH: EARTHQUAKE!!
...the natives look every which way and the red head is able to escape. So the natives turn to the blonde.

Natives: Ready...aim...
Bl: FIRE!!
...and the natives shoot.


****
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange ya glad you just spent the last 15 minutes of your life reading the dumbest blonde jokes you've ever seen?

biggrin.gif Miss you all, Locallers! Been busy with our new baby. Haven't lost my mind completely yet, but then again, winter hasn't yet fully arrived...

Posted by: Bsmith 1.Dec.2016, 09:54 PM

Congrats on the baby!

Posted by: Bsmith 1.Dec.2016, 10:02 PM

Got the Christmas lights up today:

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 1.Dec.2016, 11:20 PM

Boy...I dunno...

In the old days TheLocal was everything that a person needed...Now we have people leaving this oasis of conviviality to have...may I say it??? Children!!!

What next???...A president named Trump!!!

Congratulations... laugh.gif

I too have a penchant for blond jokes...Here is one:

Two blonds are separated by a stream...One blond calls over to the blond on the other side...And asks how can I get to the other side???

The opposite side blond replies...But, you are on the other side!!!

Posted by: mjennin2 3.Dec.2016, 12:52 PM

QUOTE (Bsmith @ 1.Dec.2016, 08:54 PM) *
Congrats on the baby!

Thank you!!

QUOTE (Gamla Hälsingebock @ 1.Dec.2016, 10:20 PM) *
Boy...I dunno...

In the old days TheLocal was everything that a person needed...Now we have people leaving this oasis of conviviality to have...may I say it??? Children!!!

What next???...A president named Trump!!!

Congratulations... laugh.gif

I too have a penchant for blond jokes...Here is one:

Two blonds are separated by a stream...One blond calls over to the blond on the other side...And asks how can I get to the other side???

The opposite side blond replies...But, you are on the other side!!!

I could keep blonde jokes going forever ;D

There was a blonde that was over weight, so her doctor put her on a diet of eating two days in a row and then skipping the third, and repeating that pattern for 2 weeks.

When she had returned for a follow-up appointment, the doctor noted she had lost 30 pounds.
"Great job!" he said.
Blonde responds, "It was tough work - I thought the third day was going to kill me!"
Dr: "Why, from not eating?"
Bl: "No, from all the skipping!"

laugh.gif

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 3.Dec.2016, 01:51 PM

Oh, yeah!!!

One blond says to another...Look, a dead bird...The other blond looks up!!! laugh.gif

Posted by: Bsmith 16.Dec.2016, 11:48 PM

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Iraq and brought to the terrorists' camp.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”

The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”

The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”

The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier.

“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli.

So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”

“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?”

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 17.Dec.2016, 10:22 AM

Aaaahhhhh,the truthful and non-partisan press...Sad but true...and funny laugh.gif

TheDonald will soon put and end to thier bias!!!

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 17.Dec.2016, 10:42 AM

A blond motorcycle cop sees another blond in a Cadillac convertible going 90 miles and hour while she is knitting...

The cop says...pull over!!!

The other blond says...No!!! Scarf!!!

Posted by: Bsmith 20.Dec.2016, 07:32 PM

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit..

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says..

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 20.Dec.2016, 09:20 PM

A blond sees another blond in the middle of a newly plowed field...in a row boat... trying to row the boat!!!

So, she saya...you idiot you're making us blonds look like idiots too!!!

If I could swim I would come out there and punch you in the nose!!!

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 23.Dec.2016, 05:58 PM

OK, one more...

The blond came in last in the breaststroke swimming race...

She complained, bitterly to the judges about unfairness...

She said the other girls cheated because they were using their hands and arms!!!

Posted by: Hisingen 30.Dec.2016, 12:40 PM

I bet you do !!

Advertising like that you'll have them queueing to supply you up there in Stockholm at No. 7.

laugh.gif

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 5.Jan.2017, 05:29 PM

Donald Trump, a Hindu and a Rabbi.

While traveling, their vehicle breaks down in a storm and the nearest shelter is an isolated farm house...

Needing a place to stay they are told by the farm owner that he can only provide house accommodations for two of them and the third person must sleep in the barn...

The Hindu agrees to sleep in the barn, after about 10 minutes there is a knock at the door and he tells the farmer, there is a cow in there and it is against my religion to sleep in the same place with a Holy and revered creature...

The Rabbi then agrees to sleep in the barn, again after 10 minutes or so, there is a knock on the door and he tells the farmer, there is a pig in there and because of my religious kosher beliefs, I too, cannot sleep in the barn...

Donald Trump says it's all right I will sleep in the barn, and again after 10 minutes there is a noise at the door, when the farmer opens it, it's the cow and the pig!!!

Posted by: Hisingen 5.Jan.2017, 06:05 PM

laugh.gif laugh.gif

Rather on the old Englishman, Irishman and a Scot theme, or as in Scandinavia, a Swede, Norwegian, Dane and Finn. Right up to date, and doubtless the first of many.

Posted by: Bsmith 5.Jan.2017, 08:20 PM

Reminds me of my favorite poem:

"Twas the great fair in late September,
A day I shall always remember.
I was strutting about in drunken pride,
When my knees began to flutter and I lay down in the gutter
And a pig came up and lay down by my side.

As I lay there in the gutter, thinking thoughts I dare not utter,
I heard a passing lady say, "You can tell a man who boozes by the company he chooses."
And with that, the pig got up and walked away.

Posted by: Hisingen 5.Jan.2017, 08:28 PM

Which also was put to music if I remember rightly. But I cannot recall by whom.

Posted by: Bsmith 7.Jan.2017, 01:10 PM

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Margaret, put your hat and coat on lassie."
She replied, "Awe Jock, that's nice. Are ye taking me tae the pub with yous?"
"Nay," Jock replied. "I'm switching the heating aff while I'm oot."

Posted by: Bsmith 13.Jan.2017, 05:41 PM

This forum has become too depressing...how 'bout a joke?



After getting the key to their room, the pastor leans in so his family can't hear and says quietly "Excuse me, but can I expect the adult material on the TV to be disabled?"

The hotel clerk looks incredulous and shouts, "It's just regular porn, you sick f*ck!"

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 13.Jan.2017, 05:59 PM

Ouch laugh.gif

Posted by: Hisingen 14.Jan.2017, 11:52 PM

The young vicar and his new bride were in their honeymoon hotel, night falls, bedtime arrives. Young wife full of anticipation, in sheer nightie.
Husband takes a chair and goes out onto the balcony and sits down.
Wife tries all she knows to coax him in and get his attention.
Husband says "My mother told me this would be the most wonderful night of my life, so I don't want to miss a moment of it" as he remains on the balcony looking at the stars.

rolleyes.gif

Posted by: Bsmith 15.Jan.2017, 12:42 AM

So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' "

Posted by: Bsmith 19.Jan.2017, 11:41 AM

A man goes to the doctor complaining of a hearing problem. The Doc says "Can you describe the symptoms?"


The man replies, "Homer’s fat and Marge has blue hair."

Posted by: Hisingen 19.Jan.2017, 04:43 PM

Have you heard of 'The Pill' for men?
You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.

Posted by: SecondGen 23.Jan.2017, 07:54 AM

Here is one you might find amusing from the woman's march here in the USA (this was on a protestors sign);

"IKEA has a better Cabinet" (referencing the Great Exaggerator's cabinet choices)

Posted by: Bsmith 23.Jan.2017, 05:43 PM

Okay, a bit juvenile but here goes:


A father and son whale are watching the sun set in the Atlantic Ocean. The son whale then asks his father "Where did I come from?" The father whale replies, "From my penis, son." The son sighs and says, "Thanks dad." The father whale smiles and says, "You're whale cum son."

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 30.Jan.2017, 07:34 PM

There are two weevils sitting on a log fence in Alabama...

A father weevil and a son weevil...

The only real difference between them is...Ready???

The son is the lesser of the two weevils...

Posted by: Bsmith 31.Jan.2017, 12:12 AM

Good one GH. Anybody else got a knee slapper?

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 31.Jan.2017, 12:53 PM

American Guido takes Paolo his Italian cousin, to a ball game and explains the fine points of baseball to him...

Joe DiMaggio is at bat and the pitcher decides to give him an intentional walk...

Paolo turns to Guido and asks...what happened there???

Guido answers: he is given first base because he got four balls...

Poalo with tears in his eyes and overcome with emotional pride in his Italian heritage...clenches his fists and hollers...

"Hey Joe you walka proud!!!

Posted by: Bsmith 1.Feb.2017, 07:16 PM

Trump mixed up his Vitalis with Viagra...now he looks like a white Don King!

Posted by: Bsmith 6.Feb.2017, 01:29 PM

Caution, may not be funny to some:


Dear Sirs,

I have a very complicated Benefits Question:
Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorization.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father’s wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter’s mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father’s wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife’s grandchild.
A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father’s brother-in-law, the step-son of my father’s wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother’s brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather. In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:
Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father’s son-in-law, and my step-mother’s brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?
Sincerely yours,
Mohammed

THE ANSWER:
Of course you qualify Mohammed! I have arranged to start mailing cheques to all of you just as soon as you arrive here in Sweden
Welcome!

Posted by: Bsmith 6.Feb.2017, 11:43 PM

As long as I am into the religion jokes:


The alien vessel landed quietly on St Peter's square in Rome. A hatch opened and two little grey men with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope.

After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, "I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"

"Jesus Christ?!" exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. "Of course we do! He vists our planet every two years or so. Awesome fellow!"

A hush descended on the audience chamber, and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple.

"Every two years?" he shouted. "We're still waiting for his second coming!"

"Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?" suggested the alien.

"Chocolate?" replied the Pope. "What in heaven's name does chocolate have to do with it?"

"Well," said the alien. "When he came to our planet, we gave him chocolate. Why, what do you do?"

Posted by: Bsmith 21.Feb.2017, 11:33 PM

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was driving along near a campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt.

The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest.

The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy? "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 22.Feb.2017, 01:16 AM

So, the 93 year old billionaire asks his 25 year old movie starlet, trophy wife:

Honey if I lost all my riches, would you still love me???

She replies of course dear, and I'll miss you a lot too... rolleyes.gif

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 22.Feb.2017, 11:45 PM

Caution!!!

This joke is only understood by people that know how to think...

Joe and Tom are have a miserable time on their first duck hunt...

After two days without a duck, Tom says to Joe...I am so disgusted, I'm thinking of quitting right now...

What are we doing wrong!!!

Joe replies don't quit now...Let's try throwing the dog higher!!!

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 23.Feb.2017, 12:01 AM

Caution!!!

This joke is only understood by people that know how to think...

Joe and Tom are have a miserable time on their first duck hunt...

After two days without a duck, Tom says to Joe...I am so disgusted, I'm thinking of quitting right now...

What are we doing wrong!!!

Joe replies don't quit now...Let's try throwing the dog higher!!!

Posted by: Bsmith 4.Mar.2017, 12:41 PM

What does a Swede do at a disco?
He puts his left foot out and says, "I tink disco here," then puts the other foot out and says, "I tink disco there."

Posted by: andersbeydemir 4.Mar.2017, 06:42 PM

QUOTE (Bsmith @ 4.Mar.2017, 01:41 PM) *
What does a Swede do at a disco?
He puts his left foot out and says, "I tink disco here," then puts the other foot out and says, "I tink disco there."


LOOOOOOL

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 5.Mar.2017, 01:28 AM

An old one...previously posted, but I think it is funny:

It was the Finns that invented the wheelbarrow...

They needed a tool to teach the Swedes how to walk upright...

Posted by: Bsmith 17.Mar.2017, 03:59 PM

Archaeologists just dug up a book

called Irish Dancing Part Two: What To Do With Your Arms

Posted by: Bsmith 17.Mar.2017, 04:00 PM

An Irishman walks out of a bar...well, it could happen !

Did you hear about the Irish orphanage that held a parents' night?

Did you hear about the Irish car pool? They all meet at work.

How can you spot the Irish Jew at the Wailing Wall? He's the one with the harpoon.

Have you heard about the Irish tug-of war team? They were disqualified for pushing.

What was the name of the bullet-proof Irishman? Rick O'Shea.

Have you seen the Irish jigsaw puzzle? It's one piece.

Did you hear about the Irish hitchhiker? He leaves early to avoid the traffic.


Happy St. Paddy's Day!

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 17.Mar.2017, 04:40 PM

What's the difference between The Swedes and the Irish after a very heavy night of drinking???

The Swedes go to work the next day!!!

Erin go bragh!!!

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 17.Mar.2017, 05:35 PM

"How can you spot the Irish Jew at the Wailing Wall? He's the one with the harpoon."

Help, sorry, over my head???

Posted by: Bsmith 17.Mar.2017, 05:57 PM

Whaling Wall, you know, Moby Dick.

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 17.Mar.2017, 06:46 PM

Thank you for that...it's on a par with my duck hunters laugh.gif

Posted by: Bsmith 24.Mar.2017, 03:32 PM

A Dung Beetle walks into a bar and asks, "Is this stool taken?"

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 24.Mar.2017, 04:29 PM

A termite walks into a saloon and asks where is the bar tender1!!

Hiding now laugh.gif

Posted by: Bsmith 24.Mar.2017, 08:02 PM

I ordered a bed from IKEA…

and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

Posted by: Bsmith 12.Apr.2017, 09:14 PM

First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

Posted by: Bsmith 19.Apr.2017, 12:15 PM

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf. " The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. "My, what big ears you have, Mr Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. "My, what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you leave me alone?! I'm trying to take a shit!

Posted by: Bsmith 25.May.2017, 12:45 PM

The fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth..

However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."

Posted by: Bsmith 19.Feb.2018, 10:12 PM

An elderly lady was stopped by a policeman and was asked for her license and registration. The cop also asked whether she has any weapons in her car. "I have a .357 S&W in the glove box, a 1911 .45 Colt in the console, a .40 cal. Glock under the seat and a 9mm Beretta in my purse. Oh, and a twelve gauge pump in the trunk. All loaded." Good God lady, what are you afraid of?" asked the officer. The old lady looked up at him with a serious expression and replied; "Not a fucking thing."

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 19.Feb.2018, 10:34 PM

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been sighted

Posted by: Bsmith 20.Feb.2018, 11:30 AM

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my bike I guess."

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 20.Feb.2018, 10:04 PM

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 23.Feb.2018, 07:01 PM

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

Posted by: Bsmith 23.Feb.2018, 07:37 PM

A cop pulls a guy over for having 50 penguins in the back of his truck.

The cop says, "You can't be driving around with these penguins in the back of your truck, your disrupting traffic, people are slowing down to see them and you’re going to cause an accident!"

The guy says, "What should I do?"

Cop says, “Take them to the zoo!"

The next day the same cop sees the same guy with the same 50 penguins in the back of his truck but they all have sunglasses on. He pulls the guy over and says, "I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!"

The guy says, "I did, today we're going to the beach!"

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 23.Feb.2018, 08:02 PM

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the perp had been punished enough!

Posted by: Bsmith 23.Feb.2018, 10:36 PM

Good one!

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 23.Feb.2018, 10:38 PM

laugh.gif

Posted by: Bsmith 26.Feb.2018, 01:11 PM

Two Canadians are playing 20 questions .The first Canadian racks his brain to think of an impossible answer, and settles on a moose's cock.
The second Canadian starts off. 'Is it something you can eat?'
The first Canadian says, 'Well . . . yeah. You could eat it.'
The second Canadian says, 'Is it a moose's cock??'

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 26.Feb.2018, 06:43 PM

A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 14.Mar.2018, 05:53 PM

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts???

Because the sheep run when they here a zipper opening!!!

Posted by: Bsmith 14.Mar.2018, 10:52 PM

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
blonde says to the other:
"Which do you think is closer, Florida or the Moon?"
The other blonde turns and says: "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 14.Mar.2018, 11:08 PM

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."

Posted by: Saywhatwhat 18.Mar.2018, 09:05 AM

A married man and his buddy were at a bar getting totally shit faced.
The married guy turns to his friend and drunkenly slurs, oh man I gotta stop... blehhhhhhhh.” And he throws up all over his own shirt.
Shit, the married man says, my wife is gonna kill me. I told her my hard drinking days were over and now she’s gonna know! I puked all over my shirt again! She’s gonna leave me!!
His friend calmly says, no man, here’s what you’ll do. He tells him to say he was at a bar just having a casual drink after work when some drunk bar fly puked on him. Then have a $10 in your pocket and tell her that the guy felt so bad he gave him money to get it cleaned.
The married guy thinks that’s a good idea so he keeps drinking a bit more.

Later that night when the guy gets home his wife stops him at the door.
What the fuck did you do? You said your drinking days were over!!!

The guy says, honey honey don’t worry I can explain... he tells her how he went for just a casual drink and this asshole drunk threw up on him.

She calms down a little bit.

See, the guy says, the dunk felt so bad he even gave me a 10 to get my shirt cleaned.

The wife unfolds the money and says, oh, but his is a $20

As he’s walking up the stairs to bed the guy turns and says, yeah... he also shit in my pants.

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 18.Mar.2018, 11:40 AM

The day after a very heavy drinking party the guys get together and tell what happened to them when they went home, and trying to outdo each other with their stories:

One guy says I was so drunk, I blew chunks...

Another says, I was so drunk I crashed through my garage door...

The third guy says I was so drunk I parked in the swimming pool...

The first guy says, hey! Wait a minute...Chunks is my dog!!!

Posted by: Uncle Fred 18.Mar.2018, 12:37 PM

Carry on guys this is what we need on this forum, which indecently is a joke.

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 18.Mar.2018, 12:39 PM

Some of us are trying, but it seems a lost cause...

Posted by: Uncle Fred 18.Mar.2018, 02:27 PM

QUOTE (Gamla Hälsingebock @ 18.Mar.2018, 12:39 PM) *
Some of us are trying, but it seems a lost cause...

No don't give up, wish I knew some good jokes but never get to hear any, Swedish jokes just don't make it do they.



Wait here's one, "They don't make them any longer"

Posted by: Saywhatwhat 18.Mar.2018, 03:07 PM

Gamlas reminded me of this one...

Theee guys were walking through the woods one night heading over to a lake. The police came along and, since they were trespassing, arrested them.
The next day in court the judge calls up the first one and asks, what were you guys doing by the lake in the middle of the night? It’s dangerous to swim at dark!
The first guy responds, oh I didn’t swim I was just blowing bubbles.

The judge think, ok, whatever, and calls the next one up. And what were you doing there? He asks.

The second one responds, I was just hanging out blowing bubbles.

Ok... the judge pauses. Looks at all three of them then points to the third, let me guess, you were also just hanging out and blowing bubbles?

No! the third one shouts. I am Bubbles!

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 18.Mar.2018, 03:16 PM

OK, here is an old joke about Swedes...

It was the Finns who invented the wheelbarrow...

Yes, they needed a teaching aid so the Swedes could learn to walk upright!!!

Posted by: Bsmith 18.Mar.2018, 03:24 PM

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador puppy. "Don't do it," says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 18.Mar.2018, 03:33 PM

"wish I knew some good jokes but never get to hear any, Swedish jokes just don't make it do they."

Comedy is the great equalizer for all of us, many people have the ability to laugh at themselves...

The internet is a great source of jokes...

Posted by: Bsmith 18.Mar.2018, 03:37 PM

So is the nightly news on the TV...but I ain't laughing.

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 18.Mar.2018, 03:41 PM

You feeling sorry for McCabe???

Posted by: Bsmith 18.Mar.2018, 09:58 PM

No.

Posted by: Uncle Fred 19.Mar.2018, 08:03 AM

I heard this yesterday.

"30 cows in a field, 28 chickens, how many didn't"

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 19.Mar.2018, 10:50 AM

10

Posted by: Uncle Fred 19.Mar.2018, 10:51 AM

QUOTE (Gamla Hälsingebock @ 19.Mar.2018, 10:50 AM) *
10

Shit, you heard it before.

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 19.Mar.2018, 10:54 AM

Yes!!! And to show my resourcefulness I googled it too...

More people should google before they ask here...

Posted by: Uncle Fred 19.Mar.2018, 10:55 AM

Mum and dad have 4 daughters, each have a brother so how many in the family.

Posted by: Uncle Fred 19.Mar.2018, 10:56 AM

QUOTE (Gamla Hälsingebock @ 19.Mar.2018, 10:54 AM) *
Yes!!! And to show my resourcefulness I googled it too...

More people should google before they ask here...

That's cheating.

Posted by: Uncle Fred 19.Mar.2018, 11:00 AM

Penny has 5 children, 1st is January, 2nd kid February, 3rd is called March, 4th is April. What is the name of the 5th?

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 21.Mar.2018, 11:46 PM

What did the Redneck say to a girl on their first date as a compliment???






Nice tooth!!!

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 15.May.2018, 11:09 PM

Yo' mama is so fat...




When she walked by the TV I missed 3 episodes!!!

Posted by: Bsmith 15.May.2018, 11:15 PM

Yo' mama is so fat...


When she wears high heels, she strikes oil.

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 16.May.2018, 12:32 AM

Yo mama is so stupid...




She climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side...

Posted by: Bsmith 16.May.2018, 11:09 AM

Yo mamma's so ugly:

when she was born, the hospital put her in an incubator with tinted windows.

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 16.May.2018, 12:37 PM

Yo mama's so ugly...

She has to sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink...

Posted by: Bsmith 17.May.2018, 03:29 PM

Yo mamma's so fat...

that on her driver's license it says, "Picture continued on other side."

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 17.May.2018, 09:00 PM

Word definition:

Illegal...






Sick bird...

Posted by: Bsmith 19.May.2018, 12:42 PM

Yo mamma's so fat...

Her belly button gets home 5 minutes before the rest of her.

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 19.May.2018, 05:12 PM

Yo mamas so fat...

When I pictured her in my head...



I sprained my neck...

Posted by: Bsmith 20.May.2018, 01:48 PM

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. They then call me ugly and poor.

Posted by: Saywhatwhat 20.May.2018, 04:32 PM

QUOTE (Bsmith @ 20.May.2018, 02:48 PM) *
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. They then call me ugly and poor.



Lol! That's s great one!



Yo mamma so fat that when she sat on an iPhone she made an iPad

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 20.May.2018, 07:53 PM

Yo mama so fat:









She has two watches one for each time zone she's in.

Posted by: Bsmith 21.May.2018, 12:38 PM

What do you call a fly with no wings?



A walk

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 21.May.2018, 02:34 PM

It was so cold in D.C. today...

...that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

Posted by: Bsmith 21.May.2018, 03:30 PM

Roses are red, violets are glorious,
Never sneak up on Oscar Pistorius.

Posted by: Bsmith 23.May.2018, 10:19 PM

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.

She finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard...let's see how THEY like it!

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 24.May.2018, 01:00 AM

What's the mating call of the blonde women?







"I'm sooooo drunk!"

Posted by: Bsmith 27.May.2018, 09:20 PM

Yo mama so ugly


when she went into a haunted house she came out with a job application.

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 28.May.2018, 12:09 AM

Yo mama so fat...

When she filled out the entry application papers for the fat contest...




She was told sorry, no professionals allowed!!!

Posted by: Bsmith 28.May.2018, 09:52 PM

You know what really burns my ass?...







A flame about 3 feet high.

Posted by: Bsmith 17.Jul.2018, 10:29 PM

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 17.Jul.2018, 10:39 PM

laugh.gif

Posted by: Bsmith 21.Jul.2018, 10:51 PM

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low life scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 21.Jul.2018, 11:06 PM

+10!!! laugh.gif

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 22.Jul.2018, 01:24 AM

Two men playing golf...

An old man and a brash know-it-all younger man...

Even though the younger man has a slight lead, the older man is still in the game but needs a way to overcome physical youth superiority...

At a critical point of the game, the young man is faced with a shot blocked by a large tree...The older man says, when I was your age I drove the ball over that tree...

The young man tries and fails, and his next shots cause him to lose the game...

He then asks how could you hit the ball over that tree???

The older man replies...when I was your age that tree was only six foot tall!!!

Posted by: Bsmith 4.Aug.2018, 02:34 PM

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

"OK", he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 4.Aug.2018, 03:16 PM

What would happen if you got scared half to death twice???

Posted by: Bsmith 4.Aug.2018, 10:34 PM

A man is watching a movie on television with his wife. The wife says, "Do you think that Angelina Jolie is very attractive?" The man thinks about it, being careful to not to jump to the answer too soon. "Yeah, I guess you can say she is." They go back to watching the film. The guy is comforted that nothing came of that loaded question.

Six years later, the same couple are having breakfast. The man, sitting at the kitchen table, asks, "Can I have another egg?" The wife, standing at the stove, turns and angrily yells, "Why don't you ask Angelina Jolie to make you your egg if she's so beautiful?"

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 5.Aug.2018, 01:05 AM

Apparently, someone gets stabbed in London every 52 seconds...













Poor bastard!!!

Posted by: nosmas10 15.Aug.2018, 07:55 AM

QUOTE (Gamla Hälsingebock @ 5.Aug.2018, 02:05 AM) *
Apparently, someone gets stabbed in London every 52 seconds...













Poor bastard!!!


Feels real for me.

Posted by: Bsmith 17.Feb.2019, 07:49 PM

Did you hear there was a big paddle sale at the boat store?

It was quite an oar deal.

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 18.Feb.2019, 08:28 PM

What would the Jetsons be called if they were black???

The Jetsons you racist!!!

Posted by: Uncle Fred 17.Mar.2019, 01:35 PM

Whether your right or left, for or against, you must admit this is good.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIeWF3mZfCg

Posted by: Bsmith 17.Mar.2019, 10:38 PM

My grandmother was bragging about her new hearing aid. “It’s the most expensive one you can buy, it cost over $4000!”
“What kind is it?” I asked.
“It’s 4:15.”

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 16.Apr.2019, 09:23 PM

What!!!

Trump win the presidency!!! laugh.gif

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 19.Aug.2019, 12:27 AM

Tarzan was vine swinging through the jungle and saw Jane ahead in a clearing...

He called to her and said: Jane, grab vine and I will take you to the waterfall...

Jane dutifully reached up and grabbed what she thought was the vine...











And that's how Tarzan got his jungle call!!!

Posted by: Bsmith 19.Aug.2019, 12:00 PM

Sven was making out with a young flicka on the downstairs sofa when she said, “Let’s take this upstairs, Sven.”
He replied, “Ok. You grab von end and I’ll grab da udder.”

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 20.Aug.2019, 12:55 AM

What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?





A Referee.!!!

Posted by: Bsmith 20.Aug.2019, 11:36 AM

An Indian cab driver picked up a Japanese man from a hotel.

Along the way, they saw a Honda motorcycle overtake the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Motorcycle very fast, made in Japan."

Then a Toyota car overtook the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Car very fast, made in Japan."

When they reached the destination the fare was 1500 rupees.

The Japanese man thought the ride was would only cost 500 rupees. He asked the driver why the ride was so expensive.

The driver said, "Meter very fast, made in India."

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 20.Aug.2019, 11:08 PM

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.

So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"

Posted by: Gamla Hälsingebock 9.Oct.2019, 04:56 PM

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

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