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Is long-distance dating a thing for Swedes?

Please help this confused soul :')

chuchaqui
post 12.Nov.2017, 02:18 AM
Post #1
Joined: 12.Nov.2017

Hey, so I'm a 21 year old latina who went to Sweden a few months ago. I'm broke so I partook in couchsurfing, where I ended up staying with a respectful and friendly Swedish man in his late 20's for a few days. It wasn't long in my stay when we ended up sleeping together twice and showering together (sorry mom and dad). We kept in contact after my stay, communicating every so often through whatsapp. He came to the U.S. recently where I met up with him. We had some more sexy time but we also went out to dinner, walked around and had ice cream-I even stayed over his hotel room that night because it was too dark for me to take an hour-long train back home.

He's a typical Swedish dude who prefers to listen, and even said that he likes it when I talk. He said he missed me (after I said I missed him), and even when I joked about being a "fantastic human being," he told me, "you're not wrong about that." However, he is still somewhat closed emotionally. It's obvious he has walls built around him, and unfortunately, the distance doesn't help the fact in me knowing every single thing about him. And I don't want to pressure him into revealing his secrets or something unless he's ready to, but he does leave me confused.

I tried reading up a bit on dating culture in Sweden, but my case is somewhat unique? The distance is a big factor, but I don't know whether or not I should try pursuing him more. I do like him, but does he just consider me a friend? Being involved with a Swede in this way makes things 10x more complicated because I don't want to overstep my boundaries or scare him away with pressure of the "seriously, what are we?" talk.

I hope you guys don't mind me asking this, and Im sorry it's long, but since the man is Swedish and has a unique relationship/sex culture built in him I figured this may be the best place to ask. Does my situation count as long distance dating?...Or something? Because I have no idea

(By the way, we still are chatting. Im even debating about friending him on Facebook...)
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Gjeebes
post 12.Nov.2017, 06:18 AM
Post #2
Joined: 20.Feb.2012

"I do like him, but does he just consider me a friend?"

Haha, ya, well, just ask yourself, for how long has he been hosting couch surfers?

No, you are not a "friend", you are "BOOTY CALL"!

Time to get checked for chlamydia.
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Bsmith
post 12.Nov.2017, 11:46 AM
Post #3
Joined: 25.Jun.2009

This is not unique to Sweden if that is what you are asking. You made yourself available and he partook. Enjoy it for what it was. If you are wanting more, build a relationship first before the bedroom next time.
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Cheeseroller
post 12.Nov.2017, 03:45 PM
Post #4
Location: Germany
Joined: 10.Apr.2007

Look ahead 10 years, you have kids with the guy and a divorce, and are now stuck in Sweden unable to leave with the kids.
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Gjeebes
post 12.Nov.2017, 05:01 PM
Post #5
Joined: 20.Feb.2012

But you can thereafter completely own his life by using your kids as pawns. Sweden really is a give/take kind of place.
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nicola4444
post 12.Nov.2017, 06:49 PM
Post #6
Joined: 4.Oct.2015

Who cares about scaring him off. Ask him what you mean to him and have that discussion.

If you scare him off with that discussion, he's a waste of your time and you can move on and stop wondering "what if"?

Also ask him if he has slept with other couchsurfers, if so - that's a red flag IMO.

I agree with what BSmith said in this part: You made yourself available and he partook.

So keep in mind there's a high chance he just saw an opportunity and took it.
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Gjeebes
post 12.Nov.2017, 07:05 PM
Post #7
Joined: 20.Feb.2012

"Ask him what you mean to him and have that discussion."

Has the guy even had time (i.e. spent enough time with her) to have an answer to that question?

OP, spare yourself unnecessary headaches and avoid coming to Sweden, its good for undeserved holidays (which by the way, you don't actually want to spend here), and that's about it.

Get yourself tested for STDs and then...well, plenty of other couches to "surf" on...if ya know what I mean.

Any short term thrill of this supposed international intrigue will certainly wear off after a couple months in old Meatballia.

And, "It's obvious he has walls built around him". Yes, many Swedes are essentially like robotic empty containers, awaiting their next command from Nanny central.
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chuchaqui
post 13.Nov.2017, 04:31 AM
Post #8
Joined: 12.Nov.2017

QUOTE (nicola4444 @ 12.Nov.2017, 12:49 PM) *
Who cares about scaring him off. Ask him what you mean to him and have that discussion.If you scare him off with that discussion, he's a waste of your time and you can mov ... (show full quote)


You're right. Do you think it would be better to ask him in person, or just save the waiting and send him a text? I'm flying back to Sweden because a few friends invited me over for this winter holiday anyway, I could probably see him for a little then.

I actually did ask him in person whether or not he slept with other surfers, and he said no, that I was the only one. He hosted a bunch of females before so I thought he would have, but he seemed pretty sincere when telling me, so I believe him. He also said he liked me at one point, but I assumed that's just a general statement to say, unless it's somehow more "meaningful" coming from a guy like him.

Well it was consensual so yeah, we both wanted to take that opportunity I guess! haha. I definitely have to keep that in mind.
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chuchaqui
post 13.Nov.2017, 04:40 AM
Post #9
Joined: 12.Nov.2017

QUOTE (Gjeebes @ 12.Nov.2017, 01:05 PM) *
"Ask him what you mean to him and have that discussion."Has the guy even had time (i.e. spent enough time with her) to have an answer to that question?OP, spare your ... (show full quote)


You have a point, actually. Obviously it's in our culture to put labels on things/relationships, it's a bit of pressure but it would provide one a sense of security, I think. Too bad Swedes don't really work that way, though..which is why I wrote specifically in this forum, ahah

And no worries, I'm good! No chlamydia or anything. We used protection and I get check-ups every now and then, anyway tongue.gif

I am curious, though. It seems like you have something(s) against Sweden and its people. Could you tell me why?
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chuchaqui
post 13.Nov.2017, 04:43 AM
Post #10
Joined: 12.Nov.2017

QUOTE (Bsmith @ 12.Nov.2017, 05:46 AM) *
This is not unique to Sweden if that is what you are asking. You made yourself available and he partook. Enjoy it for what it was. If you are wanting more, build a relation ... (show full quote)


I guess my impression was that in Sweden building relationships a lot of the time start out in the bedroom, haha. I definitely did enjoy what happened, but perhaps some of the things he said and his behavior had me confused. It definitely doesn't help that we're an ocean away from each other. :/
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Gjeebes
post 13.Nov.2017, 07:59 AM
Post #11
Joined: 20.Feb.2012

Haha, well, I couldn't be bothered as I am done with the place.

And it doesn't matter anyway since you are not me, and you might love it here. I highly doubt that, since the reality of the place does at some point become unavoidable, but who knows, maybe you have loads of money, no goals, no experience, no expertise, can't recognise incompetence, no personality, no sense of self (i.e. your value as an individual) and are just willing to float along in life. Then you are well on your way to being Swedish.

Regardless of how you would like it, there is something to be said about this heavily (state) subsidised self-adoring Swedish PR "brand" that does deserve a mention. You should really be sceptical about any country that 1) tops the "goodest country" list, and 2) actually tells people about it as if it was supposed to mean something, even, just anything.

I think someone said it best, that Sweden is like a glossy, expensive, magazine, with a flashy front cover, but then when you open it up, you'll find nothing much inside. That description is pretty apt.

And ask yourself, would you be so intrigued if this dude was from, let's say, Latvia? (I highly doubt it)

So what is it about Sweden that you think is so magical? It clearly isn't the guy, since you literally know nothing about him. Write down a list to yourself of why you think this is something to pursue, and I'd bet money on it that each item in the list will reek of artificial influence of the BS Swedish PR propaganda machine, that when tested, you'll find simply doesn't exist.

Sweden is a waste of time. Period. Like I said, great holidays, which you would never want to actually spend inside Sweden, and that's about it.
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Tenacious185
post 13.Nov.2017, 09:37 AM
Post #12
Joined: 4.Aug.2017

QUOTE (chuchaqui @ 13.Nov.2017, 04:43 AM) *
I guess my impression was that in Sweden building relationships a lot of the time start out in the bedroom, haha. I definitely did enjoy what happened, but perhaps some of the ... (show full quote)


Chuchaqui, don't let some of the cantankerous characters on this site get to you too much, haha. There's a lot of strongly opinionated people here, and most have no trouble speaking their mind.

I have a little bit of a different perspective on this topic, and it took me a few days to respond because I really felt like the situation was none of my business - BUT - I was in a similar situation some years ago (not having anything to to with couch surfing, haha,) but I met a Swedish guy through mutual friends and the fact that I worked in Sweden several times a year. We did the long distance thing for a while, and let me just say - I wish I knew then what I know now. But nobody told me, so I guess I can pay it forward by telling you.

Warning: This will be long. Sorry. ;-)

My first piece of advice, and I hope it's not too late, because this is the by far the most important detail here: DO NOT ASK ANYTHNG ABOUT THE STATUS OF THE RELATIONSHIP. At all. I cannot emphasize this enough - it's too soon, and will cause nothing but problems. It's not even necessary right now. I promise. And don't add him on Facebook. That place is a cesspool! ;-) Get to know him (gradually) by email and talking to him like a real person - not with social media.

You see, we ladies overthink a lot. We really go deeply analytical over the simplest things that men haven't even noticed. Yes, this is a broad generalization, but it's true in enough cases. Have you seen this? laugh.gif http://starecat.com/content/wp-content/upl...ure-out-why.jpg

Secondly, it doesn't matter if he slept with other couch surfers. Don't waste a minute of time worrying about that. I assume neither of you were virgins when you met, and whether he met someone through couch surfing, or in a pub, or a university class, etc., doesn't matter. People meet and sleep with people they have chemistry with, or attraction to, and part of that is simple proximity. It's easier to meet a girl sitting on your couch than to go to a bar looking to hook-up. It's irrelevant and in the past who he (or you) slept with and how you met.

What matters now is you met a dude, you guys hit it off, had some good times, and you like him and would like to see him again, but you live on separate continents. Not the easiest situation, but not horrible either. You had a nice time with him, and he even came to the U.S. and saw you again. You stay in touch a bit. This is good, and a natural progression. He could have avoided seeing you again, but I suppose at this point he likes you, finds you attractive and has fun with you. Great.

FWIW, I now live in Sweden, and when I met my boyfriend, I didn't even think about "the status" of the relationship and if it was serious until we had been dating steadily for several months. We live in the same city, but I never thought to ask "that question" until we were seeing each other rather steadily. And then he was actually the one to ask.

But now, it's way too soon, and I'll tell you why. Swedes are, in my experience and observation - cautious, reserved and very practical. They don't tend to be the nationality that are the biggest risk takers or thrill seekers, and they don't step out of their comfort zones so much overall. They also don't tolerate or perpetuate large displays of emotions or doing things for no good reason. Therefore, asking a man who lives in Sweden while you live in the US about the future of your relationship, might be a deal breaker simply because even if he enjoys your company now, when faced with, "Is this serious?" He's likely to say, "Why no, it's not practical to get serious with someone on the other side of the world at this stage of the game." And then that throws a monkey wrench into everything. He starts feeling pressured, you start feeling insecure, and it all goes to shit. When it doesn't need to, because it sounds like you two do get along well. But you have to be patient and practical - like a Swede, actually. All good things take time, and people DO fall in love long distance, and have relationships that result in one person moving, but these decisions are not made overnight. It can literally take years of getting to know one another. You guys are young. Be patient. ;-)

Treat this guy nicely but casually, and just build a friendship aside from the sexual attraction. Stay busy in the U.S. doing your thing, and don't lose yourself. Be someone with something interesting to offer (not just the sexy part) and definitely don't make demands. Stay in touch a little bit, but within reason. Drop him a text to say God Jul or Happy Birthday, and see how he is - but most of all - be cool. ;-) This isn't the 1950's anymore, and despite what some might say, there is nothing wrong with a woman having casual fun sex, just like a man can. Hell, it takes two to tango right? So you had sex, and now you wonder where that leaves you. Wherever you want to be, actually. You had a nice time, and it sounds like this guy is fun to hang out with. Just keep thinking of it like that.

If you come to visit for the winter holiday, don't make a big deal of it. Message him a few days before and invite him for a beer at a fun bar. Have no expectations but definitely buy him the first round. (This is gender equal Sweden, after all haha!) You will probably have a few more beers and end up in the sack again. Tell him what fun you had hanging out with him, and again - be cool. Go home and maybe expect to repeat this scenario for a while until you see if it can get more serious or not. (Expect to pay for half of the beers.) ;-) But for Christ's sake, don't make demands yet, and no weepy displays when you have to leave. That might be hard. You might get feelings for him, and might want to cry. Don't! At least not in front of him. Swedes abhor emotional meltdowns and also avoid conflict and don't want to hurt anyone. If he thinks you are losing your head over him he'll run out of there like it's a burning building. If you need to cry and vent, talk to a friend - not him. Not yet.

But the best thing you can do if you like this guy and want to see if it can turn into anything more long term is to be causal. Have fun and hang with the guy when you can, but don't stress about it all right now. Don't have expectations, because you set youself up for disappointment.

If there's one thing I have learned from my relationships with Swedes (like...the male ones) ;-) is that they are used to independent and strong Swedish women. They are attracted to the exoticness of a foreign person, sure, but if you get way too needy, clingy, emotional, dramatic etc... they panic. (As do most people, I guess.) They don't even know what to do with that behavior. From anyone. And I am not impying you have done that - but don't! Even if you're worried right now. Be a strong, cool, funny, indepenent person who is someone whose company he enjoys and wants to seek out. The rest will work itself out.

Again: in a nutshell; don't ask that question. I can't stress that enough.
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Cheeseroller
post 13.Nov.2017, 10:32 AM
Post #13
Location: Germany
Joined: 10.Apr.2007

Joined 4th August 2017 :-). Please come back after 5 years and let us know how it is going then :-)
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Tenacious185
post 13.Nov.2017, 10:49 AM
Post #14
Joined: 4.Aug.2017

Me? I’m not sure I get what you mean? I joined this forum in August, but have been living in Sweden for three years. “Come back” to where?
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Mistress_Of_Doom
post 13.Nov.2017, 10:51 AM
Post #15
Joined: 14.Mar.2016

QUOTE (Gjeebes @ 13.Nov.2017, 06:59 PM) *
So what is it about Sweden that you think is so magical? It clearly isn't the guy, since you literally know nothing about him.

Haha I've seen a lot of bs anti-Sweden posts, but I actually agree with this. If you fall for someone based on their looks, you're likely to be disappointed long term. Unless maybe you're one of those girls that morph into or take up your partners' interests to impress the guy. But that's just weird.
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