I walked home yesterday afternoon in a daze, unable to look strangers in the face, red eyes hidden by sunglasses. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was alone, but shouldn’t have been.
I had spent the day at the vet’s office. Our hedgehog, Baxter, had not been eating properly for about a week, and although his demeanor hadn’t really changed – he was still playful, cuddly, responsive – he obviously had something wrong. He hadn’t had any food or water for two days, so I packed him up in his travel cage, put his blankets over him, and headed for one of Stockholm’s veterinary offices yesterday morning. Both Jill and I assumed, based on his symptoms, that whatever was going on, whatever was bothering the littlest member of our family, could be fixed. We were wrong.
People often ridicule me for how attached I become to animals, be them ours or otherwise. They can’t understand how upset I get when an animal is sick, or has to be put down. They can’t understand why I can’t just stick them in a cage, drop in some food and water periodically, and carry on with life. They can’t understand that for me, for us, Baxter was a member of the family, someone we cared for, missed, thought about, bragged about, worried about. We spent time with him every day, playing on the couch, running around in the park out back of the apartment, sometimes just a morning and evening ‘hello’ and a scratch on his forehead. He was a fixture in our lives, but despite our best efforts, and those of his doctor, he’s gone.
We were wrong about the severity of his symptoms. The doctor ran tests, x-rays, contrast stains, everything she could do to find something treatable, but the answer always came back the same. It wasn’t treatable, and although he wasn’t yet in any pain or discomfort, he would be if left alone. There was nothing more to do than make sure he didn’t suffer, didn’t hurt, didn’t deteriorate. He left this world with me there, my voice surrounding him, knowing that we tried everything to make him better. Even one of the vet techs was crying.
Baxter was the funniest, sweetest, weirdest, peculiarest, scamperiest, playfulest, bestest hedgehog. He made us laugh constantly with his antics. He amazed us with his energy, personality (hedgehogality?), and capacity for tenderness crammed into such a little body. He would run around and play with and climb over us at times, with a look in his eyes of pure happiness; and at times he would just cuddle, curled up or laid out flat, fast asleep, his little paws twitching when he was dreaming. He would lay there and stare into our eyes, stroking us with his paw, when we were sick or injured as if he knew we needed to be taken care of. He knew I was doing the same yesterday, and in his own way seemed thankful. It was like he felt safer when I was in the room, or when he heard my voice, like he knew that we wouldn’t let him hurt.
I know this is a part of life, and an aspect one has to assume with pets. But still, I hated walking into this apartment yesterday afternoon. I hated waking up this morning. I hate sitting here, knowing that I won’t hear him trotting around at odd hours, getting up for an afternoon snack, stealing my sock, running on his wheel, or just sitting there, surveying his domain and his humans, with a look of pure contentment on his face. I already miss those things.
Goodnight, Baxter. We love you.
Baxter the hedgehog
Hey Darryn and Jill,
I know what you are going through and I feel your pain, it is really amazing the capacity humans have to love their animal family members and how sad we are at their passing. Always remember that what you did for Baxter was out of love and it is much better for him and the two of you that he did not suffer.
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THE RAINBOW BRIDGE POEM
Just this side of Heaven is a place called
Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here,
that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of
our special friends so
they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine,
and our friends are
warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been
ill and old are restored
to health and vigor.
Those who were hurt or maimed
are made whole and strong again,
just as we remember them in our dreams
of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content,
except for one small thing;
they each miss someone very special to them,
who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together,
but the day comes when one suddenly
stops and looks into the distance.
His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers.
Suddenly he begins to run from the group,
flying over the green grass,
his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted,
and when you and your special friend finally meet,
you cling together in joyous reunion,
never to be parted again.
The happy kisses rain upon your face;
your hands again caress the beloved head,
and you look once more into the
trusting eyes of your pet,
so long gone from your life but
never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together….
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Benthe… thank you for this. Absolutely beautiful. I really shouldn’t have read it at work. :,(
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Beautiful tribute to a sweet little guy. Never apoligize for loving an animal so deeply. It just show the inner you when you can love so much without any expectation of return. I know, I lost Casper and I still hurt 15 weeks later but I am so thankful for each day I had with him. I know others sometimes raise their eyebrows and question how you can care for an animal so much… they are to be pitied for they have never experienced the pure undemanding love that we have.Treasure your memories, You were a great hedgehog dad!
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Darryn & Jill, I’m so sorry for your loss. Animals are a wonderful enrichment to our lives. They are the family members we truly want; loyal, funny, energetic and well, they truly love unconditionally. I leave you with this; “Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened” – Anatole France… I’ll be thinking of you and Jill..
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Darryn and Jill. I am new to Sweden as well – I moved about a month before you Darryn- and brought my 2 cats with me from Canada…I just started my blogg and was reading your posts when I saw this heartbreaking story. My deepest sympathies and well wishes because I too would feel lost and so terribly ..well, there are no words.
Amanda
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Ohh Baxter!!! I started reading your posts from the beginning and got excited when a hedgehog arrived in Sweden! Ohhhh, how I wanted to meet him.
I hope you post more photos of Baxter. He seems so adorable. And you know, to those people who don’t understand your pain, happiness, grief over a pet, f*** ‘em. I have a bunny and sometimes people think I’m weird for not having a dog or cat. But Bunny loves us just the way anyone would love in his own way. And I love him dearly.
Props to little Baxter wherever he is in hedgehog heaven.
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Boy, didn’t your entry get me? I ‘m really sorry you lost such amazing pet. Hope you recover fast.
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Some time ago, I needed to buy a car for my corporation but I didn’t have enough money and could not purchase anything. Thank God my sister suggested to take the business loans at trustworthy bank. Thus, I acted so and was happy with my consolidation loan.
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Boy, didn’t your entry get me? I ‘m really sorry you lost such amazing pet. Hope you recover fast.
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I think the purchase of Domesticated Hedgehogs has seen a considerable increase in the last few years, owing to their apparently innocent and playful looks.
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So sorry for your loss. I just moved to Stockholm and I am interested in getting a hedgehog for a pet. Do you know of any breeders or places in Stockholm I can look at some?
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