• Sweden edition
 
Emilia Millicent
How to get free birth control in Sweden
Angelina makes motherhood look sexy. Don't believe the hype, warns Emilia. File photo: AP/TT

How to get free birth control in Sweden

Published: 19 Dec 2013 11:38 GMT+01:00
Updated: 19 Dec 2013 11:38 GMT+01:00

While it's a true story that Emilia Millicent once threatened an aging French rocker with violence on a flight for kicking her seat, a recent trip home has her pondering underage cabin horrors such as children... could a kid-laden plane be the best contraception of them all?

It's that time of the year again. Tinsel, trees, tranquilizers.... Presents have been bought, none wrapped by me, of course, there are store attendants for that. I'm on a flight to Scotland and it's time to ponder my three-year anniversary. Which anniversary? Well, moving to Sweden. Did things turn out as I hoped? Well, yes....

 

Faithful readers of The Local will know I have had my fair share of romantic escapades, that I found a good job. Faithful fans or ardent admirers (or cat-calling critics) of my columns may have noticed my relative silence of late.

 

I've been busy. In a lovely way. 

 

Having found true love on Östermalmstorg, however, threw up an inevitable question. Do I want children? He does. 

 

Facing the prospect of regular sexual intercourse, and the hazards it brings with it, I rifled through sixteen million indecipherable medical webpages in Swedish. Whom to speak with to get birth control? I finally muddled through (my Swedish is fine, btw, but I am not a doctor), I picked up a hormone IUD at the apothecary (love that word). It was expensive, and the box looks like a rocket-propelled grenade. I did not, however, have any time to get things properly, hm... administered? So I've taken my RPG with me on the flight to Edinburgh.

 

I do hope that if the odd-looking machinery has Swedish airport personnel up in arms, the company that makes the Mirena will make me the face of their future ad campaigns.

 

"Christmas 'terror' IUD sparks Swedish airport chaos"

 

Imagine the free publicity! 

 

Sitting here on the plane, I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. Not just because I'm too lazy to take off my angora sweater, but because I am in love. We celebrate our month anniversaries and he keeps a tally of how many days we've been together. (Sickening, I know). Then, suddenly, I feel truly sick... with rage. The toddler behind me starts aiming karate kicks at my lower back. The moronic mother does nothing to stop the little cretin in its rampage of disrespect. 

 

So maybe an expensive IUD was not the answer? Maybe hanging out with those little sugar-addicted inarticulate monsters is enough?

 

I turned to my friends and asked, where exactly should one hang out, if you want to make sure you never ever ever ever want to breed?

 

Go to Ikea in Kungens Kurva on Saturday afternoon

 

You were just going in for a shelf, right? Or where you hoping to pin the Ikea staff to the wall and ask for that missing screw from the assembly kit you dragged home on the 173 bus last weekend? Ok, so maybe you also thought you'd manage to gobble down a non-horse meat weiner or two on your way out, but overall, you thought you'd be in and out in flash?

 

Let me spell this out for you:   A I N * T   E V A   G O N N A   H A P P E N

 

By the time you've spun around every section of manipulated interior deco bliss, you'll feel topsy-turvy and ready to vomit. This, my friends, is the equivalent of morning sickness. You really want to puke your guts out for nine months? No, didn't think so. So keep that in mind.

 

Once you reach the restaurant you might as well wrap yourself in black garbage liner (aisle 345BJDk729  - "easy" to find near the discount shelf!) because some kid or other will take a pot shot at you. Somewhere in the cacophony of scraping plastic chairs, chomping, burping, NS bawling, you will see a cream sauce covered meatball sailing your way. 

 

Bravo to you if you duck and cover. You'll need plenty of that skill if you reproduce. But if you find yourself with lingonberries and goop smeared all over your face, remember, this is the price of copulating without a condom.

 

Leave Sweden to visit Liverpool

There are a few reasons for this. Because it is the only place where I have ever seen a mother call her toddler daughter “a fucking bitch” in public, but also, despite the chavs, it is a truly great culture city… until some god-damn child goes and stands right in front of you as you gaze at your favourite pre-Raphaelite at the Walker Art Gallery, or bumps into you as you wander the sculpture gallery of the Liverpool Tate Museum.

Yes, kiddo, the Greek man made of marble has his ding-dong out on show! Get over it, and make yourself scarce!

Visiting friends in Liverpool is always a good way to remind yourself why some people think eugenics is a good idea.

And while most Scousers are the epitome of northern English charm and warmth, I have, over the years, also run into a few adults who shouldn’t have been born. Like the bus driver who called me a slut…. Pity he came to be and hope he hasn’t reproduced!  Admittedly, I’d just told him to go eff himself, which brings me to another point – my own rather snobbish reactions to Liverpool makes me pretty sure that I should not have children myself. I’d turn the poor innocent zygots into condescending middle-class zombies in minutes.

Read the Swedish newspapers

After headline after headline lately about Swedish teens raping each other, I frankly don’t know if I dare have children… having just read a long article about the proliferation of violent porn online in Good Housekeeping, I just don’t know how to protect any future sprogs… Will my son turn into a rapist? Will my daughter end up filming boys who dump her and put piccies of them online just for the simply vengeful pleasure of it?

I have an excruciatingly embarrassing tweenhood memory from my own younger years. My brother Hamish and I were watching Pretty Woman, when prostitute Julia Roberts whips out a selection of candy-coloured condoms for her client Richard Gere’s perusal.

“Should the kids be watching this!?” my working-class father bellowed.

Mum slipped into her most crystalline upper-class cut glass tone when she responded.

“I’d like our children to know everything there is to know about safe sex, thank you very much.”

Hamish and I cringed. Pretended to ignore them. But that’s just it. We remember the brief exchange, and while it may have served both me and Hamish well (no STDs in our family), I just can’t imagine that such an innocent exchange could cut through today’s bull of online sexual harassment, bullying, suggestive selfies, and rampant cases of outright assault and rape.

No kids, thanks, because I frankly don’t know how to protect them. I’m only 33 but I already feel like an old fogey.

Watch an interview with Angelina Jolie

 

No, she is not an inspiration to us all. I love Angie, I truly do. I like that she talks openly about drugs, refugees, and anything in between, but she is not an inspiration to us all. Because not all of us are married to Brad Pitt, not all of us earn several million per movie, and not all of us have access to the high-quality nannies that I can only assume surround her brood of six in legion.

 

Nor do we have her pout nor her pins, both of which paint a decidedly unfair image that attaining utter Milf-dom is in all of our reaches. 

 

Yes, all hail the uncontested queen of the Milfs (mother I'd like to f***), we love you, but we can never be you so I'm keeping my legs closed and my signature off any and all adoption papers. 

Attend a Liberal Party (Folkpartiet) youth wing meeting

Your child could become a Folkpartist! (Liberal Party member) Never forget that. Wear a condom!

Merry Christmas!

Scotswoman Emilia Millicent moved to Stockholm three years ago and works in finance. She writes love and dating columns for The Local when it takes her fancy. All her stories are based on true events, but names have been changed to protect identities.

The Local (news@thelocal.se)

Don't miss...X
Left Right

Your comments about this article

Today's headlines
Woman charged after accusing beggar of theft
The people in this picture are not those from the story. Photo: TT

Woman charged after accusing beggar of theft

A woman in Gothenburg who accused a beggar of robbing her has been charged with fraud and false accusations. READ () »

Swedish royals set baptism date for princess
Photo: Kungahuset

Swedish royals set baptism date for princess

Sweden's royal family has set the date for the baptism of Princess Leonore. READ () »

The Local List
Evidence Game of Thrones is set in Sweden

Evidence Game of Thrones is set in Sweden

With Swedish Game of Thrones fans frothing at the mouth at the season four premiere, The Local revisits its list of ten reasons why the hit books and show are (probably) based in Sweden. READ () »

'Baffling' Swedish raid on German sub makers
The Kockums Malmö shipyard and FMV headquarters. Files: TT

'Baffling' Swedish raid on German sub makers

After the Swedish military raided the Malmö premises of German defence giant Thyssen Krupp, a military expert tells The Local why recent Russian aggression means Sweden's Saab needs to take control of national submarine production. READ () »

Swedish kids crack adult content 'code' at school
A child, unrelated to the story, on her computer. File photo: TT

Swedish kids crack adult content 'code' at school

Swedish parents who busted their children looking at adult content online were shocked to find the kids saying 'they'd learned the code at school'. READ () »

Industry bellwether SKF recovers to turn profit
A file image of ballbearings. Photo: Shutterstock

Industry bellwether SKF recovers to turn profit

After a drab end to 2013, Swedish ballbearing makers SKF anew posted a profit in its first quarter review. It could spell good news for the manufacturing industry worldwide. READ () »

Swedish Hobbit actor jailed in cocaine case
Swedish actor Mikael Persbrandt. File photo: TT

Swedish Hobbit actor jailed in cocaine case

Swedish actor Mikael Persbrandt has appealed a five-month prison sentence, handed down on Tuesday after he was found guilty of buying cocaine. READ () »

Property of the Week
In Pictures: The Local's Property of the Week
The property in Skinskatteberg. Photo: Fastighetsbyrån

In Pictures: The Local's Property of the Week

The Swedish countryside is littered with small second homes, many up for a steal if you can see beyond dated wallpaper and imagine a country retreat with chanterelles and lingonberries growing in your backyard. READ () »

Puppies lost in 'black market' chihuahua raid
A chihuahua papillon crossbreed puppy. File photo: Shutterstock

Puppies lost in 'black market' chihuahua raid

Thieves escaped from a flat in Malmö on Monday with jewellery, electronics, and four chihuahua-papillon puppies. Police worry the dogs will be sold on the black market, a growing trend in Sweden. READ () »

JobTalk Sweden
Sweden's worst office clichés revealed

Sweden's worst office clichés revealed

"We have to hit the brakes and the gas at the same time." Does your Swedish boss confuse you? You're not alone. Swedes have crowned that phrase as the worst workplace cliché of the year. READ () »

RECEIVE OUR NEWSLETTER AND ALERTS
Politics
Who's the prime minister's heir?
Alfie Atkins
Society
Are children's books the key to families integrating in Sweden?
National
'Sweden Dem protests cater to party's martyr image'
National
'Swedish research grants were fantastic, but now it's like Australia'
Society
Only in Sweden: The ten problems you'd never encounter elsewhere
National
Swedes stopped to take my picture, but didn't look me in the eyes
Business & Money
A swipe of the hand replaced cash and cards in Lund
YouTube
Features
Video: Oliver Gee finds out how to embrace The Swedish Hug
TT
National
Abba duo hints at reunion
Private
National
Flash mobs hug it out across Sweden
Finest.se
Gallery
People-watching April 11-13
TT
Politics
Swedes to give six-hour workday a go
Advertisement:
TT
Society
Aussie choir member wows Abba in Sweden
YouTube
Society
Stockholm magic a surprise YouTube hit
Fastighetsbyrån
Society
Gallery: The Local's Property of the Week
Private
Society
Swedes find 200-year-old gravestone in living room
Stockholm School of Economics
Sponsored Article
Why a bachelor's degree is no longer enough
Deepti Vashisht
Features
Deepti Vashisht dissects the magic of Sweden's personal ID number
Shutterstock
Society
Ten signs you've been in Sweden too long
Society
Jimi Fritze heard every word when doctors discussed taking his organs
Society
A Swedish farmer explains why the new bestiality ban is 'pointless'
Society
'Blondes have more brains': Swedish study
TT
Society
VIDEO: Leaked 'Save Slussen' film goes viral
finest.se
Gallery
People-watching, March 28-30
ESL
Sponsored Article
Learning Swedish the easy way
Latest news from The Local in Switzerland

More news from Switzerland at thelocal.ch

Latest news from The Local in Germany

More news from Germany at thelocal.de

Latest news from The Local in Spain

More news from Spain at thelocal.es

Latest news from The Local in France

More news from France at thelocal.fr

Latest news from The Local in Italy

More news from Italy at thelocal.it

Latest news from The Local in Norway

More news from Norway at thelocal.no

Blog Update: The Diplomatic Dispatch

28 October 15:16

The Green Growth Group Summit »

"Today on the 28 October in Brussels, a large group of key EU Ministers and business people, including UK Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change Edward Davey, and Swedish Environment Minister Lena Ek, will meet to discuss green growth. They all have a stake in resolving a challenge which, although it is crucial..." READ »

723
jobs available
Swedish Down Town Consulting & Productions
Swedish Down Town Consulting & Productions is an innovative business company which provides valuable assistance with the Swedish Authorities, Swedish language practice and general communications. Call 073-100 47 81 or visit:
www.swedishdowntown.com